The Bachelor Party.
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Disclaimer: Do not make money from this, or any sort of currency. Not even wooden pennies.
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Chapter 2
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"Don't worry." Archer repeated his mantra as we entered the elevator within the parking structure of the hospital. "Everything's going to be just fine."
"How do you know everything's going to be okay?!" I demanded shrilly, sending a seething glare towards my brother. "Because I have a pretty hard believing this could be fixed!"
"Look, Shirou." Archer sighed, crossing his arms over his black dress shirt. "If you're going to be always uptight about everything, you'll never snag a girl."
"My social life has nothing to do with this!"
"Doesn't it?" Archer stated with a smirk, waggling his eyebrows. He pointed to himself. "I woke up with a few bandages and stiches."
He pointed towards the idiot playing with the elevators buttons.
"Shinji," He stated with a smug smile. "Doesn't even have a scratch."
Archer leveled his finger towards me.
"What happened to you?"
I opened my mouth to answer but he just pointed to the halved tongue within.
"Exactly." He crossed pointed the finger up, like the smug asshole he was. "You wake up, dehydrated, and with your tongue cut in half." He gestured to himself and the purple haired monkey. "Shinji and I got off fine, compared to you."
"Yeah," The baby holder stated with a goofy smile, fixing the pair of sunglasses that I was sure was for women onto his nose. "Totally fine."
Archer paused for a moment, giving Shinji an odd look while I leveled him my best facial expression that stated I doubted his sanity.
"Well, I'm pretty fine." Archer corrected ignoring the look the idiot leveled at him. "But that's against the point-"
"I'm pretty sure that makes your entire argument rather pointless, Archer." I pointed out simply, and he just put a hand on his hip.
"Look," He held up his hand in defeat, or at least what defeat was to a person who didn't understand the concept. Archer was still convinced that he won that sculpture competition during third grade, even though his was total shit and the winner's was obviously made by the kids parents. "All I'm saying is, stress isn't good for your life, Shirou. Relax and go with the flow."
"Going with the flow got me here." I hissed as I walked out of the elevator and entering the hospital. "Stress would've kept me at work, you know, where people with jobs go!? Which place do you think I would happy to be in?"
"I knew you would see it my way." Archer stated with a bright, stupid smile that pointed out that there would be no winning this argument for me. "Now we can be productive and find someone who can get some of our questions answered, right Shirou?"
"Fine." I decided to just let the subject rest, it would never settle anywhere anyways.
…
"Turn around." I tried to not stare at the doctor conducting a check up on a man who has clearly seen better days. He had more liver spots than skin, truth be told. She reached between his thighs. "Now cough." The old man gave something between a wheeze and the aforementioned cough. "Again."
"And that's that. Alright, mister Melloi, I'll see you again next month." The red-ponytialed bombshell stated while taking off the medical gloves she had been using. The motions utilized in the action made her curvaceous form do things that should've been illegal in public.
She walked towards us, darting her hands into her pockets and pulling out a cigarette pack.
My libido was crushed, and I saw similar disappointment in Archer's eyes. Living with a man who smoked so much, our father, and spending time with his friends, the local Yakuza, gave us both the odd turnoff towards cigarettes. They tended to utterly destroy our libido's by reminding us of nights spent nearly covered in ash and surrounded by fat old men.
She gestured to the courtyard, and we followed. The smoker pulled out a nail coffin and took a pull before leveling a finger at us.
"Did you three know how much alcohol you had in your systems last night?" She stated and took another pull, tucking her arm underneath her chest.
"Well." My brother started, but was immediately cut off.
"0.456 percent blood alcohol level." She stated and my brother immediately raised his fist towards my general direction without even looking at me. I returned the fist bump, if only because I was amazed I was still able to walk with almost half a percentage of my blood being pure alcohol. "We couldn't even figure out how the four of you were still able to walk out of here on your own power."
"Four?" I immediately jumped onto the little piece of information. "Is Issei here? How is he?"
"All four of you walked out of here." She pointed out with a grimace at the burnt out cancer stick. "Talking about a wedding or something."
"We went to a wedding?" Shinji asked no one in particular, and I gave him my 'shut up now' glare that did as intended.
"The four of you were totally trashed to shit." The woman offered little in ways of compassion, stating the fact that we were totally shit faced like it was nothing. "Most people would be in a coma with that much alcohol in their blood stream. Getting that shitfaced and only losing memory is a pretty good deal."
"Well we lost one of our guys, so we've been retracing our steps." My brother admitted scratching the back of his head with his left arm, I preferred using my right truth be told. "We could use some information…"
"And I could use some more cigarettes." The woman stated tonelessly, stretching her hand out.
Archer gave me a look.
I gave him a look back, my hand reaching towards the pocket that possibly held the only way I wasn't going to be stuck in debt for the foreseeable future.
"Think about the children I will never have with Rin if we lose her sister's fiancé." Archer pleaded putting his hands together.
I handed the devil-woman the smallest chip I had, which was another fifty dollars of debt that weighed me down now.
"The four of you said you were going to Malevolent Matrimonies." She stated, tucking the chip into a pocket and throwing her cigarette onto the ground while checking her watch. "And my break only has twenty minutes left, so that means the three of you should scram before I call security."
"Wait!" Archer held up a notepad he got from… somewhere. "Do you know the directions to that place?"
"Sure." She stated, and Archer eagerly uncapped his pen. "It's on the corner of Go fuck yourself avenue," Archer stopped writing. "and read a fucking map street." She ignored his glare and gestured us out.
"C'mon guys." Archer tuned on his heel, "Let's go find a map or something."
Shinji followed him right away, I didn't.
"H-hey." I tried to get accustomed to the feeling of stuttering with my new tongue. I managed to get her attention anyway. "Do you know anyone who can handle two tongues?" I stuck the appendage…s out, demonstrating my ire by moving them individually.
She blinked, twice.
"Is this a come on?" She stated idly, patting her pockets for something. "Because I'll need some time to get to the ATM if this is."
I blinked, thrice.
"No!" I must've nearly broken glass from my yell. "I meant do you know anybody who can fix this?"
"Why?" She stated, her eyes laser focusing towards my mouth. She started stepping towards me, one of her hands touched my knee before I realized she was close enough to touch. "It looks fine to me."
Knowing what the look in her eyes meant, I fled.
I managed to catch up with Shinji and my brother as they were getting in the elevator, and I felt like I couldn't get out of that place fast enough.
We had just reached the not-stolen police- car when Shinji pointed at that there was a name and a phone number on the backside of my pants, in permanent marker.
Archer didn't stop laughing until I tried to wring his neck.
And I'm sure 'Touko' was having her own damn laugh.
…
"I don't have a very good feeling about this guys." Shinji stated nervously towards the fake church. "Maybe I should wait in the car?"
"What." I stated. "Does this count as a government building on your restraining order?"
"That only applies in California!"
"Guys." Archer sighed, "The three of us are stuck for now, we might as well make the best of it." He leveled looks at both of us. "That means we have to be united, and not separated, we can't afford to lose another person to Vegas."
Shinji gave his okay with a huge grin, and I gave a grunt. Archer took that as a yes, unfortunately, and we made our way to the church doors side by side like a set of idiots.
We were only in the fake church for moment before I felt a shiver go up my spine.
"Welcome." An absolutely buff priest walked out of a door I didn't know was present, wearing only pants for some odd reason. "To this holy pla-"
His eyes widened the tiniest of fractions as he seemingly realized who we exactly were.
"Interesting." He muttered, looking us up and down. Shinji gave a soft whimper and I allowed him to hide behind me. "I had expected you three to be dead in ditches by now." He pulled the upper parts of a set of vestments from a rack and applied them, he would've looked the part of a priest if was actually wearing shoes. "Since I doubt the three of you remembered the slightest of the prior night I shall introduce myself once more, my name is…"
Something made impact with the small of his back sending him flying into a wall.
A white haired girl with bandaged hands gave a huff, brushing back bangs that escaped her habit.
"Don't worry about the geezer." She stuck out her hand. "The name's Caren, I own this place."
"Nice to meet you." We all responded automatically, shaking her hand in turn.
"Shouldn't you check on?" I pointed towards the man muttering under his breath and seemingly trying to become part of the wall.
"The author dislikes stoic characters too much to even give him more of a paragraph of mentioning."
"What."
"I mean, dad's plenty tough." She coughed into her hand leveling herself to full height, which wasn't much. "It'll take more than that to keep him down."
"But why did you need to-" Archer tried to ask, before Caren leveled the three of us a glare the implicitly stated that he shouldn't complete that question.
"So, I'm guessing the three of you are here to pick up your order?" She crossed her hands behind her back, generally acknowledged as a way to make a woman's chest stand out yet still look innocent.
"Is it drugs?" I asked immediacy, and Archer gave me an odd look.
"The four of you seemed fairly well supplied last night." Caren stated worriedly, "I never thought that you'd want me to acquire some for yo-"
"We don't need any of… that." Archer demurred quickly, shaking his head and hands. Caren seemed relieved, and I had to wonder how easy it was for a nun to get drugs.
Or if she even was a nun.
"Good." She gave a content sigh, moving behind a nearby desk and pulling out a box of sorts. "Here's your order of wedding scrapbooks, Father will get the rest in the back."
There was a gurgling sound and shuffling noise behind us that was ignored by everyone.
I took the offered book as Shinji asked: "Which one of us got married anyway."
"Probably Issei." Archer snorted, taking an offered book as my hands began to tremble. "Sakura will kill him if he…"
"Whoa." Shinji said burying his face into the book and ogling the two girls in the picture.
"The wedding was amazing." Caren stated wistfully, staring into space, I felt something on my leg but didn't care. "The best this holy church has ever beheld."
Archer's hand grasped my shoulder.
"I was wrong about everything bad I've said behind your back." My brother stated with fire in his eyes. "You ARE straight!"
He took a look at the pictures of me and the two unsmiling girls I was clutching by my sides.
One had a steel glove, and the other had a box cutter. Both looked like they'd gut me the moment I said 'annulment'.
"But crazy, absolutely batshit insane." Archer finished letting me go.
My mind went blank as my knees gave out for the bliss of unconsciousness.
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