Song: Pray to God – Calvin Harris ft. Haim
Chapter: Gonplei (Fight) – Chapter 1
All songfics take place after the chapter it's accompanying and before the next chapter.
POV: Lexa toward Clarke
Notes: This deals with Lexa's feelings regarding her decision at Mount Weather and feeling conflicted at her decision.
Disclaimer: All quoted song lyrics are not mine and are under the rights of their respective owner(s).

"Oh, I remember when this road was my own.
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore.
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore.
Anymore.
I lost the feeling, but I try to hold on.
I thought the end of a love and what made you strong.
I pray to god, I just don't know anymore."

Ever since those 100 had come down, everything had been different. Before Lexa's 300 soldiers were burnt to a crisp. Before she had made contact with their leader. Before she had learned her name. Before her heart grew to know Clarke's. Before she decided to turn against her heart and use her head. Before all that she was alone. And now, she was alone again. Because of a choice she made. A choice that could never be taken back and a choice that Lexa wasn't sure she would have made again.

"When there's no getting through,
I won't hold back.
I will throw down anything in life, I know now.
I've been lying on the floor.
Sleeping on the ground.
I will give up everything in life, I know how."

Her nights since her decision had mostly been filled with restless sleep that landed her in awkward positions on her bed in an attempt to find rest. But instead of sleeping, she would find herself replaying leaving Clarke. And making up the scenario of meeting her again. There was no going back, but there was the ability for her to show Clarke how much she truly did care. She could lay it all on the line, and she knew how to. She knew how to give up all that she had been holding back. She knew how to give up all that protection. Because she had done the exact opposite. She had given up her openness to love. She knew how to give everything up. And she could do it again.

"Cause I can't stop wondering
if I was too late to see the signs.
If I could go back with hands up,
I'd look up to the sky and give in.
I'd give in. I'd give in.
I'd give into you.
Give into you."

Days passed and Lexa's mind wouldn't stop. The regret that filled her head was only subdued by the fact that she couldn't change what was done. Though, she knew if given a chance she would. She would go back and make a choice. A different choice. She wasn't sure what that choice would be, but she knew it would change. Because she couldn't get the image of Clarke's eyes out of her mind.

"Oh, when the moon was shining bright before morning,
I made a deal with the stars to keep holding.
Shining bright to come and bring me back home.
The lights in my eyes, they disappeared.
The visions in my mind are enough to keep me from fear.
I won't let it hold me down. The other way around.
I don't want the words to, I can't make a sound."

Late night walks became Lexa's friend. She would stare up at the moon through the trees, and she was sure that talking to the sky was almost like talking to Clarke. After all, she was a Sky person. But over time the words melted on her tongue, and the hope in her eyes faded. The sky was not Clarke. Any agreement she made with the moon or the stars would not become fact. Clarke was still gone, and so Lexa fell silent once more.

"Cause I can't stop wondering
if I was too late to see the signs.
If I could go back with hands up,
I'd look up to the sky and give in.
I'd give in. I'd give in.
I'd give into you.
Give into you."

One night on the way back to camp from a walk, Lexa fell to her knees and stared up at the sky. A scream rose in her throat, but no sound came out. She could not keep doing this. There was no going back, but all she wanted was to take her words back. To put that smile back on Clarke's face instead of the tremble on her lips. And so she pulled herself back to her feet, and she sighed. There was no going back.

"Can't hold back, reaching out.
I was living in the heat in the moment.
Between us I told you that.
I was living in the heat in the moment.
I'd give in.
I was living in the heat in the moment.
I'd give in.
I was living in the heat in the moment.
I'd give in.
I was living in the heat in the moment.
I'd give into to you.
Give into you."

There was no taking anything back. The words were said. The words were final. And at the time she had no choice. There was no time for thought. There was no time for bridging the gap between her heart and her head. Her head was the easy choice. She chose the easy choice, and she saved her people. But she betrayed her heart. With a simple decision she betrayed her heart. She wouldn't do that again.

"And give in.
I'd give in.
I'd give in.
I'd give into you.
Give into you.
And give in.
I'd give in.
I'd give in.
I'd give into you.
Give into you."