Three Phantoms
A/N: Hello, all. Thank you so much for the positive reviews! I'm really glad most of you included questions you want answered. Even if your question doesn't appear in this chapter, I will end up using it later. All of the questions asked gave me ideas for future chapters. I intend to include all versions of Erik at some point throughout the story, sometimes having one appear more than once due to the shortness of each chapter. Also, I forgot to mention something in the last chapter. The part where I describe Lerik going against opponents in time to 'Can't Touch This' and the song about big butts is a reference to a movie. If anyone knows what movie it is, I'll give them a mask-shaped cookie. Happy reading!
A violin intro ensues. The camera slowly focuses on a tall, slender figure playing the violin with the grace of a cat. He stops abruptly.
"Oh, hello," Kerik smoothly greets the camera. "You're now tuning into the latest installment of Three Phantoms. Enjoy!"
The violin music resumes and the scene fades to black. The camera refocuses on three masked men seated at a table. Derik and Kerik drink tea, while Lerik sips a glass of wine. Derik wears a glossy black mask that resembles the shell of a turtle.
"Good evening, dearest fans," Derik graciously begins. "Today, we have two very special guest appearances: Winslow from the Phantom of the Paradise and Dario Argento's Phantom, played by Julian Sands. Welcome!"
A slender man with long, flowing blond hair appears on camera and takes a seat beside Lerik. Although he is not physically deformerd, he could potentially be the lovechild of Professor Snape and Legolas. Lerik stares at him from the corner of his eyes and fidgets.
Kerik straightens in his chair and looks around. "Where's Winslow?"
"The last time I saw him, he was giving him a tour of the house," Jerk points accusingly at Lerik.
For the first time, Derik and Kerik notice the dirty trowel in his hand. Kerik jumps from his chair and knocks it over in the process.
"What did you do with Winslow?" he exclaims.
Lerik appears quite unperturbed. He tilts his head to the side with a hint of a smile "Winslow? What a curious name indeed!"
Kerik whips out a squirt bottle from thin air. "Tell me now, or else…"
Lerik eyes the bottle warily. Suddenly, a terrible crash and shriek rents the air.
"Pheooonix! Pheooonix!" it calls in a robotic-sounding voice.
The camera follows as they race to the music room. The doorway looks as if it had been sealed off with a wall of bricks, but whatever lurked inside the room had broken free… Derik, Kerik, and Jerik look inside the room, but Winslow is still nowhere to be found. Another wild, animal shriek issues forth, drawing their attention to a figure wielding a toilet plunger.
"Winslow!" Kerik and Derik cry.
Winslow, who looks like a cross between a Martian and a robot, swings the toilet plunger wildly, aiming at Lerik. A great commotion ensues. The screen flickers to a shot of Lerik pinned against a wall with a toilet plunger stuck to his face. The screen cuts out again.
Please Stand By.
"Nadir, are we back on?" Kerik asks.
His hair and mask appear disheveled.
"Yes, the camera is rolling," Nadir replies, exhaustion evident in his voice.
"Excellent," Kerik says. He clears his throat. "I apologize to our viewers for that - er - slight inconvenience. Now all is settled and the show must go on! Our first question today came via the Internet. Newbornphanatic asks: "What is your favorite music of the 21st century? Hmm," he taps his chin thoughtfully. "It's all rubbish in my book."
"I disagree," Derik protests. "I rather like Il Divo and that Jonathan boy who appeared on Britain's Got Talent."
"He was rather good," Kerik admits. "I do enjoy listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack from time to time. I also find that after many years of despair and angst, a little New Age music has done some good for me."
"Erik likes Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga," Lerik chimes in.
Heavy chains restrain him to a chair.
"No one asked your opinion!" Kerik snarls. "Lady Gaga is the new generation's La Carlotta – all act and no soul. The only exception is Bad Romance because the lyrics perfectly describe my relationship with Christine."
"Lady Gaga calls her fans 'Monsters'," Lerik continues. "She would be accepting of someone like Erik."
"No, my friend," Kerik replies snarkily, "you would be the one exception."
"I have also found Danny Elfman to be a fine composer," Derik says in an obvious effort to redirect the conversation. "What about you, Winslow? What modern music do you enjoy?"
Kerik and Derik made sure to seat him as far away as possible from Lerik.
"Anything from the 70's," he responds in his odd voice. "Music is much better with the aide of drugs."
"I couldn't agree more!" Kerik exclaims.
"And what about you?" Derik regards Jerik.
"I don't know a lot about music," he admits. "My top three priorities have always been my rats, looking pretty, and sexing up the director's daughter."
Derik clears his throat. "Moving on. The next message is from Million. It reads: ' Where does Lerik get his socks? Does he knit his own or does he extort them off the stagehands?'"
Lerik kicks off his shoes and looks at his feet.
"How curious!" he exclaims. "Until now, Erik never knew he wore socks."
"I gave those to you last Christmas, don't you remember?" Derik says. "See the noose knitted into each one? I did that myself because I know how much you like to strangle people."
"Really?" Lerik glances at his socks again. "Erik thought it meant he was a cowboy."
Derik removes his turtle-shell mask to reveal a red one beneath and braces his forehead.
"Our next question comes from Newbornphanatic. They're wondering if we have any other talents besides music and singing, and if any of us have a particular knack for dancing. The only true dancing queen among us is Lerik. As for me, I spend most of my time composing and giving Christine voice lessons. Aside from that, I'd say my other talents include stalking Christine, annoying Nadir, and getting high. What say you, Derik?"
"Well, I'm rather good at gardening," Derik replies. "I managed to grow a whole backyard in my lair, complete with foraging birds and deer. The little squirrels are so friendly they'll eat right out of your hand! Unfortunately, they're all made of wax…."
Winslow curls back his blue lips and reveals his silver teeth. "Back when I was an ordinary man, before that infernal Swan stole my music and ruined my life, I was an aspiring composer with a dream – a dream than an angel like Phoenix would bring my music to life. Before Swan, I thought my only talents involved music; but when I put on this weird helmet and shiny black suit, suddenly I could break through brick walls, throw lightning bolts at crappy rock stars, and kill a man with a bird mask. It's like this costume gave me superpowers or something. It rules, man!"
Jerik strokes his chin thoughtfully. "I'd say I'm pretty good in between the sheets, whether with a human or a rat. I specialize in interspecies erotica."
Derik, Kerik, and Winslow scoot away from him. Lerik has managed to escape from his bindings and now wears his socks on his hands.
"Erik is good at spreading gossip and creating drama in the world above," he says in a childish voice. "He specializes and delights in chaos."
"Yes," Kerik comments dryly, "that is why we attempt to keep you restrained. It is our gift to humanity."
"Well, that concludes today's episode," Derik claps his hands together in a good-natured manner. Thank you to all for stopping by and bearing with us. It is never a dull moment five cellars below the opera! And thank you to Winslow and Jerik for taking the time from their busy schedules to humor our misadventures. Hopefully, they'll stop by again in the future."
They all force a smile at the camera and wave, except for Lerik. He is still too busy with his socks.
"Is the camera off, Nadir?' Kerik asks.
"Yes, I believe so."
"Good," he breathes a sigh of relief. "I could really use a little morphine right now."
"May I join you?" Winslow inquires.
"Yes, of course, my friend! Come along this way…"
Derik stands and stretches. "Lerik, would you like to accompany Jerik and I? We're going to pay a little visit to the Rat Catcher."
"No, Erik would rather play with his socks."
"Suit yourself," Derik shrugs and leaves with Jerik.
Lerik sits and plays with his socks until the camera dies.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review or ask any more questions you find interesting/entertaining! As I've said, this genre and writing style is completely different from what I'm used to. Also, I wanted to add that the opinions of the different Phantoms don't necessarily reflect my own. I write the characters as I see their personality. I just wanted to add that in case someone might take a joke I made too seriously. This story is meant to be all in good fun. Until next time!