Judith shoveled another heap of candied yams into her wide-stretched mouth. She kept her head forward but shifted her eyes covertly towards Father Gabriel who was sitting to her right. He was doing it again. He'd fallen asleep in front of his plate. In a few beats, he would lift his head and give her a loving smile, resuming their conversation like the pause had never happened. He did this every time they ate together as far back as Judith could remember but it was only now that she began to notice with any curiosity.
She only ever stayed with Gabriel for a day or two during the month. He was maybe 5th or 6th on the list of rotating babysitters when her mom and dad had to be away. She'd known him all her life and liked to spend time with him. He was nice enough. He wasn't as much fun as Uncle Daryl but he was a much better cook. Her plate of baked chicken, collard greens, cornbread and yams was seriously diminished by the time Gabriel raised his head.
Judith had exhausted all her imaginings on possible reasons for his momentary meal-time snooze. She decided that if he did it again today, she was going to ask him why.
"Gabe?" She began.
Father Gabriel stood up went to the fridge and brought out a bowl. "Yes, Judith?" He acknowledged her while slathering his cornbread with a coat of fresh-churned butter.
"Why do you get so sleepy every time before you eat?" Judith asked with a full mouth.
He began to butter her piece of cornbread, smiling at the big bite she'd already left in the square chunk, "What do you mean?" He asked.
"Whenever you have a plate, you always close your eyes and your head falls down."
Gabriel laughed heartily which made Judith laugh too. He laughed 'til tears came to his eyes and his cheeks hurt. "Well, Judith. You've given my abs a good workout. Thank you for that."
"You're welcome." She didn't quite understand what he meant but she was pretty sure 'you're welcome' was the right response.
Gabriel answered her question, "When I bow my head and close my eyes, I'm not asleep. I'm praying." He said, taking a sip of cool water.
"Oh." She raised her brow, happy with an answer, until she realized- "What's praying?"
"Praying is when I talk to God." He answered hesitantly not knowing what her parents had told her about the subject.
"Who's that?"
It did not surprise Gabriel that Judith had no concept of God. Even though there was church in Alexandria and a resident priest, it served more as a town hall than a place of worship. There were no Sunday services to speak of, though the faithful would seek out Father Gabriel for confession or communion or comfort. Having talked with her parents on separate occasions he knew that neither of them were at peace with God and he understood why. Even though he wore that collar, Gabriel wasn't totally at peace with God either.
"Some people say he's the one who made us and everything we see… and even what we don't see." Gabriel explained as he forked his greens. "I pray and tell God thank you for giving me this food and this house to eat it in and a friend to eat it with."
"But I thought you cooked dinner?"
"I did. But God makes the food grow so I can cook it." Gabriel was like a dam with a leak, holding back a torrent of scriptures. He wanted to burst. And he found that even though he didn't minister in his usual way, it was like riding a bike, even if his current congregation was a single little kid.
"How can he hear you? I don't even hear what you're saying when you're praying and I'm sitting right beside you." She realized.
"I think God is everywhere. Even in my heart and my mind. So I don't have to pray out loud for him to hear me. He knows what I think and how I feel."
"Is he in my heart and mind?" Judith wondered looking down at her chest to search for God. She narrowed her eyes investigating for the slightest twinge of him as her heart beat in rhythm.
Gabriel felt that any answer he gave to that question would be out of his jurisdiction. "Uhhhh," He trailed, "Maybe you should ask your mom or dad. They might know more about it than me."
Judith thought that reasoning made a lot of sense. She loved when things made sense. It made her feel like everything was headed in the right direction. So she made a mental note to take Gabriel's advice and ask her dad when he came to get her. She and Gabriel spent a few more hours together making big soap bubbles on the sidewalk outside. And she soon forgot about God and the big questions she had.
Under a purple ceiling of night, Rick and Judith walked home from Gabriel's house. The sky was exceptionally clear and the moon glowed a crisp white, centered among countless stars. The temperature had dropped and the chill in the air was the reason Judith was draped in her dad's jacket. Her backpack under the jacket gave her silhouette an odd-shaped hump that made her look like a miniature alien at first glance. The long sleeves floating just above the pavement and her little feet barely visible, taking quick steps to keep up with her dad's long bowlegged stride was a sweet little sight. Passersby commented on the nippiness of the evening or the beauty of the star-sprinkled sky as everyone on the streets of Alexandria headed home for the night.
"Daddy, who turns the lights on in the sky when it gets dark?" Judith asked with her chin aimed at the expansiveness overhead, the awkward posture slowing her down.
"I don't know. They were up there 'fore I was born." Rick answered, noticing her little voice was further behind him than he'd like. Without his jacket, his short sleeves left him covered in goose bumps and he pushed his hands into his tight pockets and brought his shoulders closer to his ears.
Judith didn't like that answer. "Can we ask somebody older than you?"
"We don't know anybody that old, honey." Rick chuckled and looked up at the bright display. "But they sure are pretty."
The awesome dazzle in the sky reminded Judith of what Father Gabriel said about God making everything. She thought that if there was a guy named God who made such pretty things Gabriel was right to thank him. But as a consummate crayon connoisseur herself, she didn't want to be prodigal with her appreciation. She didn't want to ask her dad if he believed in God because, truthfully, she was afraid she wouldn't get the answer she wanted. So she asked him something a little safer, "Daddy, do you pray?"
Rick sighed with forethought and repeated the question to really get the flavor of it, "Do… I… pray?" He dragged the words. "I don't know how to answer that, really."
Rick and Michonne had just come back from the Kingdom with some exciting news for his family. He was on a fluffy high and so not in the mood to entertain a religious conversation with anyone, especially not with Judith. But he looked back at his pint-sized interrogator and saw that she was getting annoyed with him. She was pursing her lips and twisting her mouth, a lot like another certain lady is known to do when he isn't being forthcoming. Rick straightened up quick.
"I used to pray, I guess. I mean, I would bow my head and say stuff… thangs. I always felt kinda stupid though, like I was talking to myself."
"Gabe prays to God. Who did you pray to?" Judith dug a little deeper, charging tactlessly through his buttoned behavior.
"I think…" Rick began carefully "…everybody who prays, prays to God.
"So everybody knows him?"
"I wouldn't say everybody knows him… just that maybe everybody has heard of him… maybe." Rick really wished Michonne was here for this one. He tried to walk faster to reach his plum-colored ace-in-the-hole regarding all things Judith. But his daughter seemed determined to make this a late night stroll.
"Gabe thinks God made everything. Do you think that too?
"Like I said Judith, I'm not really sure about this…"
Judith cut him off, not about to hear anymore half answers, "Gabe thanks God for the good stuff he has. Does our good stuff come from God too?"
"Well, think about it Jude." Rick said, wanting to give her his side of the issue as delicately as possible, "If God made everything, then bad stuff must come from him too. Like walkers and sadness... hurt..."
Her father made a good point. She hadn't considered the unpleasant things in life. Maybe God wasn't the benefactor she assumed. She reached up and held her dad's hand, walking with him quietly. Rick was relieved that he seemed to have satisfied her… for now. However, he knew it wasn't over. And he was right. After a few moments of silence, Judith engaged him again.
"Sometimes I do bad stuff. I broke mommy's necklace." She offered timidly, still remorseful about the accident. "She got sad. But she still said thank you when I made her another one."
"She did." Rick acknowledged, softly. Uncomfortable with the thought of praying, Rick wanted to finalize this conversation. "So… what Jude? You wanna pray? Honey, you can if you want."
"I just want to be nice." She flopped her arms passionately.
"To who?"
"To God."
"You never seen God, never heard him. Maybe God is just a story… Like… like your book about that dog who made the cake for Kitty Boo."
Judith remembered, "The Woof Cook."
"Yeah. Dogs don't really cook cakes. But it's a nice story. Maybe there ain't a God listen'n when you pray. But people like the story that there is."
Judith knew it could be just a story and it stung a little for her father to point it out so blatantly. Judith loved to pretend and fantasize. She never fought nap time or bed time because her dreams were so vivid and entertaining that she'd wake up from sleep feeling well-traveled and fully charged to make discoveries throughout the day. Obviously, she knew the difference between real and make believe. But something about God sounded true to her or maybe she was getting carried away at the idea of a new personality to love since her circle of humans was limited to the people in the communities they traded with and trusted. At any rate she didn't like what her dad was implying. She wished that he would just forbid her to talk about God or tell her God was indeed real instead of agreeing with her on the one hand and then playing devil's advocate on the other.
"But then who makes our seeds grow?" She demanded with bite.
"We do." Rick said with conviction. "We make it all happen, together. Our family. Our community. We work hard for what we have."
"But who made the seeds, daddy? And the lights in the sky? Somebody puts 'em there at night."
"Well, see, swee'heart, the stars are always up there. We just can't see them."
"Like God?" She quickly retorted with a hollow sense of victory.
"OK, Judith. Like God." He gave up.
He figured it didn't really matter if she believed there was a God. Carl used to believe the same thing when he was little. Lori saw to that. Michonne believed in God now, but she was pretty pissed at him since the world turned upside down. As for himself, Rick wasn't sure if he believed in God or not, but he was certain he didn't think prayer was worth the effort. If he was honest, though, he had been grateful to someone or something when Carl survived both his gunshot wounds. He had technically said a prayer of gratitude when Judith returned to his arms after the prison fell. When Michonne survived her injuries, he did send up an instinctual offering of thanks as he sat for hours at her bedside listening to her breathe, relieved that their time wasn't up. Gabriel had told him once that God was in everyone's heart and mind, maybe that was true. But he huffed at the idea that it could be true, all the same.
"So what else did Gabriel tell you about God?" Rick sincerely inquired. He was laying down his fight. It wasn't a fight he'd even thought enough about to prepare for or really even cared enough about to piss on his baby girl's parade just so he could feel like he'd won.
Judith repeated the small amount the priest had told her and what she thought about it. Rick began to see that the bottom-line for Judith was that she was a happy little girl and she wasn't thoughtless when it came to what she had. Though she hadn't seen much of it, something inside her told her that the world around her was bigger than just the world around her. She felt a keen appreciation for it and she wanted anyone responsible for her sunny spot on the planet to know how she felt. She was the kind of person the world should be full of and Rick was proud that he'd had a hand in molding her to be that way. Though he shivered at the blustery night, there was a warmness he was feeling as he walked with Judith, enjoying her company. He relaxed contentedly, while she gave a dissertation of sorts on her novel thoughts about the man upstairs.
Judith talked until they reached their front door. When they walked inside, Carl and Michonne were in the living room sitting on the couch together. Michonne appeared to be waiting with excitement for Rick and Judith to get there. She flashed her pearly whites, stretched her arms open and Judith jumped in.
"Oh! You're cold little girl!" She said as she felt Judith's cheeks and removed Rick's jacket and her backpack.
"I missed you, mommy."
"I missed you, too. But me and daddy have something to tell you and your brother." Michonne said to Judith as she pulled her into her lap. Michonne's eyes were lovingly fixed on her husband, who still stood near the door.
"Yeah. It's really good news." Rick said, joining his family on the couch.
He and Michonne just kept looking at each other, smiling, but not saying anything. They were both finding it hard to talk with the lumps forming in their throats. Michonne's eyes were filling with tears and the sight of her emotion made Rick avert his eyes before he broke open too. He grabbed her hand and squeezed some love into her.
Carl was being eaten alive with suspense. "Ok…?" He gestured, "The good news is…?"
Rick chuckled at his son and looked to Michonne. He nodded his consent and Michonne said in a quietly playful voice, "I'm pregnant."
Judith gasped with delight, "The same way like Aunt Mags is?" She asked to be completely clear.
"Not exactly like Aunt Maggie." Rick said beaming with pride.
"What do you mean, 'not exactly'?" Carl probed.
"It's twins." Rick said calmly as he reared back against the arm of the couch like that was all his doing."
Carl didn't break with excitement about most things, but before he could pretend it was no big deal he gushed in front of all of them, "WHAT!?" he cheered happily. "No way!"
His spirited response sent Michonne over the edge and she full-on wept happy tears, pulling Judith closer and leaning into Carl's shoulder for affection. Rick needed to touch this scene to make sure it was real. He reached for Judith's soft hair and kissed his wife's blushing cheek.
"What's twins?" Judith was thrilled to ask.
"It's two babies. Mommy has two babies growing inside her." Carl explained to her first.
"I love babies!" Judith announced.
"Let's name the babies Thor and Hulk." Carl suggested. "That would be awesome!"
"I hope you're joking." Michonne rolled her eyes.
"What if they're girls?" Rick reminded him.
"Hulk and Thor..." Carl said again firmly. "Who says they can't be girl's names?"
"I do." Michonne said as she stood up with Judith and slapped the back of Carl's head. He and his little sister's eyes met and they giggled at Michonne swipe at him. "Come on, Judith, time for your bath." Michonne turned to Rick, "Story time in 20." He nodded, sat deep in the couch and soaked in all the goodness in the room, especially the curve of his wife's behind as she left the room.
"Dad..." Carl whispered as Michonne disappeared up the stairs, "Thor and Hulk?" he offered again.
"I'll talk to her." Rick promised, giving Carl a thumbs up.
A little later Judith was all scrubbed and cozy in her Dad's arms. He finished the second book of her choosing, kissed her goodnight and began to tuck her in. "Daddy, I wanna thank God for the babies."
Rick had wanted to do the same but adult pride wouldn't let him. He was glad Judith was too young to be so stubborn. "You should, swee'heart. If he's up there, he did real good this time."
Happy that her dad was cooperating, Judith pushed a little more. "Will you stay and tell me if I do it right?"
"There ain't no right or wrong way… you…"
She interrupted, "Will you stay anyway?"
Of course, he did. Finally, he met Michonne in their bed. "You were gone a while. How many books did you have to read?" She asked, knowing he wasn't a fan of the sugary silliness of children's books.
"Just two." Rick answered, "But we were talkin' about the new friend she made today."
Michonne was taken aback, "What new friend?" She perked up eagerly.
"God." Rick said with casual provocation as he stripped off his shirt.
"God?" Michonne repeated in disbelief. "Gabriel?" she nodded, assuming he was Judith's tutor in this.
"Kinda.. but not really." Rick corrected her. "I talked to her and I think this is mostly Judith's thing." Rick shrugged. "She prayed just now."
"She did?" Michonne continued in a state of shock. Her face softened, "I bet she sounded so cute."
Rick sensed no pushback. "So, you're not upset?"
"No, Rick. It's not like I hate God or anything. We just haven't been on speaking terms lately." Michonne realized as she was answering, "I don't care, as long as it's Judith's thing."
"It's totally Jude's thing. And you're right. She was so adorable." Rick nodded with a hint of mischief. "She squeezed her eyes so tight I thought I would need a crow bar to open them." Rick found himself genuinely tickled by the scene he'd witnessed. "Then she thanked God for the twins."
"Awww, that's so sweet!" Michonne bubbled. But then she noticed Rick seemed to be teasing her somehow with this conversation. "What? What's so funny?"
Rick burst and fell over laughing on the bed across Michonne's legs.
"What? Tell me!" She kicked him playfully.
He pulled himself together long enough to say, "She said…" Rick clasped his hands and closed his eyes tight, raising his voice a few octaves to amplify the cuteness of Judith's prayer for Michonne. "Hi, God. Thanks for our babies. I can't wait to..." Rick lost it again. He was turning red with laughter, "...play with Hulk and Thor."
Michonne gasped in horror and began beating Rick all over his upper-body with a pillow, "We are NOT naming these babies Hulk and Thor!"
Rick was still fracturing under the downy blows of Michonne's wrath, "Then you better start praying that you think of somethin' more awesome than Hulk and Thor…" He managed to say through the assault and his laughter,
"…because right now the vote is 3 against 1."