Disclaimer: Ever wake up from a dream and think that it was real? Yeah me too. Unfortunately the man in my bed turned out to be my son…who isn't a man yet and definitely not Sherlock Holmes. Darn it! So I guess he still belongs to John and ACD and BBC and not me.

A/N: Sorry I'm still not British so any mistakes can only be blamed on my nationality. Or not. Let me know if I screwed up any British stuff. If the mistake isn't caused by nationality then it must be a typo and I want to know about those too. Enjoy the story.

The List

Sherlock Holmes was a very logical man. A high-functioning sociopath. The downside, if it could be called that, to this was that he didn't understand emotions and he didn't understand people. To him they were all so boring. So in order to find the perfect friend, because anything less would be a waste of time, he made a list of necessary traits this mythical person would need to possess. It wasn't a long list but every item was of utmost importance for his friend.

My Friend will be...

Patient

That one was extremely important which was why it was the first one on the list. Sherlock, never one to lie to himself even though he lied to everyone else, knew he could be a right terror when he wanted. And sometimes even when he didn't mean to be. So his friend needed to be very patient to put up with him.

He knew that trait would be hard to find. Lots of people claimed to be patient but they weren't. Just because they could stand in a queue for hours without becoming irritated didn't mean they could stand the silences he was sometimes overcome with. It also didn't mean they would accept his violin at all hours of the day and night.

Though his friend wouldn't need to live with him it would be a bonus if he did. And it had to be a male. Sherlock knew himself well enough to know that he would have no patience with a girl's primping in front of the mirror or a girl's hours of moaning about her love life or lack thereof. And a male was less likely to have problems with Sherlock being out at all hours with the Work and wouldn't nag at him about tidiness or eating or sleeping.

Loyal

Another important trait. Sherlock had quite a few enemies that would love to plant a spy near him. Not to mention Mycroft. No they had to be loyal to Sherlock before all others.

And Sherlock would be loyal to them as far as he could anyway. He swore to himself that if he ever found this person then he would not experiment on them unnecessarily. And he would do what he could to make sure they were comfortable around him.

It would be nice to have someone stick up for him, too. Someone who didn't see him as a freak or a psychopath and would tell everyone that they didn't.

Of above average intelligence

Another must have trait. Sherlock couldn't stand stupid people, even if that was 99.98% of the world. No, his friend must be one of the .02% that could at least hold an intelligent conversation. And wasn't named Mycroft Holmes.

A clone of his brother, there was a thought to give even him nightmares. Then an even more terrifying thought occurred to him. Intelligence was important so that he didn't have a friend like Anderson. An Anderson clone. Sherlock shuddered.

Anyone not named Anderson or Mycroft. He would accept nothing less.

Able to fix a decent cup of tea

Sherlock was as English as the next man and liked his tea. And tea always tasted better when someone else made it.

Sherlock had done several experiments on this subject and still could not figure out why that was. Still it would be nice to have tea on demand that he didn't have to make himself.

A crack shot

Because Sherlock had enemies. His friend had to be able to protect them both.

That meant he'd probably have to be a soldier of some kind or something along those lines. He could be a criminal but then Sherlock would have to hide him from Lestrade and that would defeat the purpose of having a friend. Maybe the son of a Mafia Don, but still that came with complications so soldier it would have to be.

Sherlock knew that soldiers weren't the only ones that could be crack shots but he'd rather not be in a situation where a good shot was needed and have his friend balk because he'd never shot someone before. A cop would work for that part too but some of Sherlock's more questionable methods of investigating would worry his friend if he was a good cop and a bad cop would be intolerable.

Useful at crime scenes

What good would having a friend be if he wasn't any help with the Work?

Really that one was almost a given. And nearly as important as patience.

Straight but understanding of homosexuality

Sherlock didn't want to deal with the emotional entanglements if his friend fell in love with him. Still he was bisexual himself, even if he didn't have sexual relations, and didn't want his friend to be disgusted with him for his choice in partners.

That would be intolerable and ruin their friendship before it ever had the chance to begin. It would just be wrong.

Deceptive in appearance

Sherlock wanted everyone else to overlook his friend so that when they were in danger one of them would be able to get them free. His enemies always watched him like a hawk.

He knew this might actually be the hardest of the traits to find. Look at Mycroft, he was a politician and he looked like a politician. Lestrade was a cop and he looked like a cop. Sherlock wanted a soldier who looked like a normal, boring idiot, not a soldier. Everything would just be easier that way.

Sherlock considered his list for a moment before huffing in frustration, crumpling the paper in his hand and throwing it across the room. He flopped backwards over the arm of the sofa and glared at the ceiling. There was no such person on the planet. This finding a friend business was harder than it looked. How did normal people do it?

He needed a distraction. Maybe Molly had those severed arms she'd promised him the last time he'd been to Bart's.