Title: Intoxication
Rating: T
Summary: Abandoned, again. Left to wallow in her own self pity, to question what she did wrong this time. And then he appears and suddenly her world is turned on its head all over again. When Jesse appears in the Christmas Tree Sale, Rachel finds where she could always control Finn, Jesse is a force of nature. Dangerous, but intoxicating.
Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Glee, if I did Jesse would still be there and St. Berry would be alive and kicking. But he isn't. From this we can conclude that I don't own Glee.
xxx
Rachel managed to stumble her way through the Christmas Holidays in a daze of conflicting emotions and burning memories. She kept a show face continually fastened on, posing for all the appropriate pictures and training on her elliptical. She watched three musicals with her dads on Christmas Day and talked ten to the dozen, dissecting each character, each scene to its bare minimum, if only to keep herself from thinking too hard.
Alone, it was a different story. She would lie in her bed at night, her heart hammering as she thought of the feeling of his hands on her, trailing up her back, across her cheek, his firm lips ravaging hers, commanding and yet desperate, and her heart would pound. She would think of Finn, of his short, bristly hair, his strong jaw, his warm smile and words would slip in her memories, tempting her even as she squeezed her eyes tighter together, shaking her head.
It was torture and yet, she couldn't make herself forget.
On the 29th of December she made up her mind to get out of the house in the vain hope that fresh air and a chance to be alone all day would help her clear her head. However, after going to a nearby book shop and then to Starbucks to pick up a Vanilla Vegan Latte, she find her feet automatically leading her to that music shop.
Where it had all started.
Holding her steaming cup in her hands she inhaled the familiar scent, standing before the shop and staring at it with a strange mix of thoughtful longing and nervous trepidation. She hadn't been in here since the egging incident, but really, could she let Jesse St James rule her life, even when he was gone? The thought of him immediately brought back memories of his hands on her, memories that seemed to be burned into her mind with a branding iron and as she felt her cheeks burn and her skin tingle she considered the fact that he probably already was.
"Not going in?" The voice, so soft and quiet, close by her ear made her start, yelping in surprise and only just managing to keep hold of her cup.
Turning she found herself face to face with Jesse's chest. Stepping back, she looked up at him, her eyes narrowing into a hard glare as she saw his amused smirk.
"Maybe," She replied, trying to keep her voice even as her heart thumped at the sight of him, looking as handsome and confident as he had a few weeks ago.
"Really?" He was still smiling, that irritating, amused smile that looked as if he knew her better than she knew herself. Which was totally untrue. "Because I've heard that you don't come as often as you used to. Surely that's not because of me?" He laughed a little, his expression innocent.
"Of course not," She snapped back, the words out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Indeed?" He raised an eyebrow and in a few smooth confident steps he was inside the shop and out of sight.
Rachel deliberated for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. He was goading her, she knew. Teasing her, daring her to come in after him, to prove him wrong. If she didn't he would know that she never went in there, that the memories of past pain were too hard to bear. If she did, she would have to be around him again, to see him and he cocky smirk, his confident swagger and try not to remember that kiss.
Either way she was the loser.
Why not?
Before she could change her mind she pushed the door before her open, cringing as the tinkling bell gave her away, her head automatically ducking.
"Hey Rachel!" The call came from across the store and she looked up immediately, cursing herself when she saw the immediately recognisable curled locks and the arrogant smile that graced this face. He was sat at the piano, that was still in the middle of the room, even after what seemed like years. "Come, sit," He invited, rubbing the spot beside him and grinning at her as most of the inhabitants of the shop turned to look at her, expectantly.
Cursing him to the deepest pit of hell she dragged her feet, walking slowly towards him. He knew what she was like. Knew how stubborn she was, how she wouldn't be able to reject him in front of this crowd of people. It wasn't fair; he was using her weaknesses and using them to play her like a fiddle.
Coming closer to the piano she let her hand reach out and gently trace the contours of the instrument as she passed, almost instinctively. Her heart twisted at the memories that her surroundings brought forth. Memories of an easier time, when thing weren't so complicated, where she didn't feel so utterly broken. Back when she was that naive, hopeful little girl and he was just a handsome lead, who was completely and utterly spell binding.
He moved along the seat, smiling at her a little, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he patted the space invitingly. Sitting down slowly she felt the strangest sense of déjà vu, a strange niggling feeling in the pit of her stomach, as he turned and grinned up at her. She sat a few metres away from him and was glad for the distance; she wasn't ready to deal with the strange, yet inevitable feeling that would come with being any closer.
Glancing up, she saw that the crowd around them were turning, talking between themselves and so turned to Jesse. "This is highly inappropriate Jesse!" She muttered, between clenched teeth.
He laughed a little and his eyes danced merrily, "And why is that Miss Berry?"
"Because!" Rachel hissed, glancing around again self consciously.
He just shook his head, a deep chuckle that made her tinkle inside rumbling in his chest. "So go?" He challenged, his eyes flashing. Daring her again.
"And leave a performance?" She spat out, "never."
"I'll hold you to that," He muttered, before saying, his voice teasing again, with a slight edge that she couldn't pin point. "Well, if this is, as you say, a performance, you'd better put your show face on, we're up."
Without warning his hands slid to the keys, playing them so smoothly and Rachel cringed, turning away from him as the familiar notes tinkled out of the piano. Did he even remember when they had last sung this? Each note seemed to twist her heart a little more, and she wondered at the fact that it was still beating. The music seemed to reverberate through her, making her tremble as old memories surfaced, unwanted, into her mind.
"Lionel Richie huh? One of my favourites."
He started to sing and she looked up, not at him, but out at the people watching. They all stared, their eyes wide, admiration painted on their faces, just as they had been the last time this had happened. They couldn't see beneath his show face, beneath the lies and the deceit and the large, phoney smile. Not like she could.
She didn't miss her cue, she was a trained performer, of course she didn't miss her cue. As she sang with him she felt something swell within her, twisting her heart just as it had done the first time. His voice from beside her, so melodious and, although it irritated her to admit it, so much better than anyone else's, seemed to cloud her mind and she fell easily into their original, spontaneous harmony. She couldn't help but wonder why she didn't feel like this when she sang with Finn.
She wasn't even aware she was doing it, but when her eyes met with his she felt a shock run through her. His eyes were so deep, so filled with loving affection and tenderness that it almost took her breath away. He didn't need to look down as they sung, his hands seeming to go through the motions, as if he knew this piece by heart and somewhere, in the back of her mind, she wondered vaguely whether he too had played this song over and over after the unfortunate egg incident, just as she had.
"But let me start by saying… I love you…"
The music slowly filtered off and it was only the applause that filtered through the room that made Rachel tear her gaze away from Jesse, blushing angrily. She shook her head, furiously trying to clear her head and gather her thoughts, the final notes still reverberating through her head, echoing and tumbling around.
"Very good Rachel."
She jolted away from the proximity, turning to see him leaning away from her again, laughing a little and saying, "It was purely a compliment."
Scowling she moved forward and grabbed his hand, regretting it immediately as the tingles and heat shot through her, his firm hand holding hers with a grip that made her heart flutter. Pulling him through the crowds she gave a forced smile to the audience members who tossed compliments their way as they went past, pulling Jesse with more force as he smiled naturally, thanking them.
Twisting him between the towering book stands filled with sheet music, she turned on him, letting go of his hand immediately.
"What do you think you're doing?" She hissed.
He leant against the shelves, looking annoyingly at ease. "Singing with you." His smirk was so arrogant that she had to resist reaching behind her and grabbing the Seven Brides for Seven Brothers screen play and throwing it at him.
"Why are you here?" She snapped, glaring at him.
He shrugged, "I like this shop." His face was so impassive that Rachel almost doubted herself for a moment. Almost.
"I mean here… in Ohio."
He shrugged again. "Winter Break, I told you. Plus, my term starts a whole lot later than yours."
She raised her eyebrows a moment, before saying, her tone a little defeated. "Just get lost Jesse."
She attempted to walk past him, but he took hold of her arm, spinning her and pushing her back into the bookshelf, pressing her back against it and putting one hand either side of her head. Trapping her.
"I'd rather not," He leant towards her, his smile still amused. "What I would like to know is whether you've thought about my question from our last meeting?"
Her breath caught, but she tried to keep her eyes hard, staring him out. "Yes," She replied and to her surprise he laughed a little.
"You've thought of me then?" He moved closer, pressing his body against hers to let someone past them, but once the customer with gone, he kept his position.
"No… I…" Rachel closed her eyes momentarily, trying to clear her head as she felt the heat of the body next to her. The feel of his legs pressed against hers threatened to over rule her and she squeezed her eyes together some more, in an attempt to gain some sense.
He chuckled and pulled away, releasing her from his grasp and going to stand opposite her. Abruptly his eyes softened. "How are you Rachel, better?""
"Then the last time you saw me?" She laughed a little bitterly. "Yeah, you could say so."
He asked softly. "Have you heard from Finn?"
She considered lying, but he knew her so well, he could see through every show face she had ever tried on him, even when they first started going out. "No," She turned away from him, unwilling to let him see how much pain one word caused her.
Then he said something that completely surprised her. "Finn is a douche."
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and then laughed, startling even herself as she did so. These were the words she had needed to hear. Words that, for once, blamed Finn, not her. It seemed as if everyone had been blaming her, all of the Glee Club at least. She had even started thinking it was her fault herself. But here was Jesse, condemning Finn, blaming Finn for what had happened, instead of her.
She felt suddenly relieved, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was able to breathe again, even as she said, automatically. "No he's not."
"And why not?" Jesse's eyebrow rose.
"Because…" She trailed off and then sighed heavily. He had to find out sometime. "When I found out, I was angry and Santana even told me he bought her dinner afterwards and I… kissed Puck."
Jesse's other eyebrow shot up and he watched her for a moment, a strange expression passing over his face before disappearing as fast as it had appeared, thoughtful curiosity taking over.
"Finn found out?"
Rachel nodded miserably, her stomach dropping.
Jesse sighed and ran his hand through his hair, thinking a moment before saying.
"He's still a douche."
"What?" Rachel looked up then, surprised.
"Yeah, and Santana's a mean whore."
"What?" She repeated, gob smacked. She had been certain that he would turn on her, like Finn had.
"Yeah, he should have forgiven you, I mean, an eye for an eye right? If he really cared for you he would still want you back."
His gaze was intense and she looked away, shrugging. "Maybe you're right."
"I'm always right." His voice was back to that amused, slightly arrogant tone that he usually used.
She turned back to him, her eyes hard. "Oh really?"
"Of course," He bragged, smirking, then his eyes turned soft, as they had done before and his tone was gentle, soothing. "Look, you don't have to, but… do you want to grab some coffee, catch up?"
She stared at him, open mouthed and he added, smiling again.
"I'll pay."
She wasn't sure what made her say it. She opened her mouth to say no, to scream and shout and tell him to go to hell. But that wouldn't achieve anything. There would be no answers if she did that, only silence. And Rachel was fed up of silence.
"Okay…"
His face seemed to light up from the inside, although he tried to hide it, his delight making his trademark smirk just a little too wide, a little too happy.
"Okay then, ladies first." He gestured with a flourish, letting her go past him and as she walked she could feel his eyes on her back.
Xxx
When they were seated in the warm booth by the window in the coffee shot, Rachel smoothed down her skirt nervously. This was so weird. Why was she here? This boy had humiliated her, embarrassed her and now she was sat in a coffee bar talking to him about her boy troubles? What was she doing here, what did she hope to achieve?
Answers.
It was as simple as that.
Over the year she had played the good girlfriend to Finn, always smiling, hanging on his arm, kissing him when he deemed appropriate and knowing when to leave him be with his fellow jock friends. But she had always wondered. What had she missed in her and Jesse's relationship? Where had it all gone wrong? She had thought it was going so well, especially when he forgave her for the Run Joey Run incident. Had it been a lie from the start? Had none of it ever been real, true? Or had there been some signal, some secret sign that she had missed that had made him turn on her so quickly?
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Why did you do it?"
"What?" Jesse looked at her for a long moment.
"You know what I mean." She accused him, her voice steely as she watched him, cupping her second Latte in her hands in hopes that he wouldn't see them trembling.
He ran his hand through his hair again, something he tended to do when he was frustrated and she remembered, for a second, what it was like to run her own hands through those locks, to comb the silky wisps back from his face and curl them around her fingers. Her palms started tingling and she jolted herself away from her thoughts.
"What exactly do you want to know?"
The words tumbled from her lips in a frantic stream as she poured out her questions, questions which had haunted her for the past year, unwilling to let her go. "Why did you do it? Was it all a lie from the start? Every touch, every kiss we shared, was it all a big act for you? What did I miss?"
"No!" He cried and then lowered his voice a little. "No, no I…" He thought for a moment before looking up at her, his eyes forceful. "Do you want the truth?"
"Yes."
"Fine," He ran his hand through his hair again and leant forward towards her on the table as he spoke. "Shelby asked me to befriend you, so that some time in the future ai could give you the tape she's made."
"Yeah, like that was worth it," Rachel interrupted, bitterly.
He continued as if she hadn't spoken. "So I went out with you, I even transferred, but then I found myself…" He stopped for a moment, struggling over his words. "You're one of the most talented, beautiful people I've ever met, and I began to care for you…"
She kept silent, trying to push away the tears that threatened to spill out over her cheeks. She had never expected him to say anything so sweet. In her head she had painted him as the bad guy, the heart breaker, the player. It was so strange to hear him say this now.
"I never meant to hurt you. I thought you would be better off with Finn, I used that to sooth any doubts I had, that thought that you would be with Finn, that he could comfort you. I was fooling myself, of course. But I never meat for it all to get so complicated, so many twisted feelings…" He sighed before saying, his voice calmer now. "Shelby told me that if I didn't get a fourth consecutive Nationals I would loose my scholarship. I needed that scholarship so badly. It was my ticket out of here, out of Ohio and all its dead ends. I went along with the funkification. But you have to believe me, the egging was not my idea. I had no idea what was going to happen until it happened and I knew I had to go along with it…" He trailed off before uttering two words that changed made Rachel's jaw drop.
"I'm sorry."
Gazing at him, she tried once again to keep away the tears that were helping the painful lump in her throat to grow. It wasn't fair that he should say this now, mix her up and confuse her. She had just managed to convince herself that he was the villain, the one she should stay away from, that's what everyone else said and had always said. So why did she feel this strange longing, the warmth that illuminated her from inside when he spoke, the feeling that she hadn't been breathing properly until she heard him say those two words.
"Okay," She said finally.
Jesse looked at her closely, scrutinizing her face, before saying, "I don't expect you to forgive me any time soon, you know. Hell, perhaps you'll never forgive me. That would be… reasonable."
"I'll… I'll think about it," She replied, taking a sip from her Latte and inhaling the scent, hoping it would calm her.
Then, suddenly, he was frowning curiously and asking, "Why didn't you have a solo at Sectionals this year?"
She was so taken aback by the sudden change of subject that she spoke vaguely, trying to focus on what they were now talking about. "You saw that?"
"Of course," He answered. "I've always seen it, why would I change those habits now?""
"I guess…" She trailed off.
"So why?" He asked again, still frowning.
"Mr Shue decided that this year he would give the solos to those who don't normally get them," She sneered, warming to her subject as she spoke. "Which entailed silencing me and my talent, and giving the leads to Quinn, Sam and Santana." Her mouth curled downwards in disgust.
Jesse gaped for a second before saying, slightly breathlessly. "Has Shue finally lost his mind?"
"You'd think so," Rachel grumbled. "And what makes it even worse is knowing that if I'd been able to showcase my obviously superior talent we would have won, instead of just drawing." She spat the word out.
Jesse shook his head, rolling his eyes at the Spanish teacher's odd ideas, before saying. "Who's Sam?"
"A new guy, he's a Californian surfer dude." Rachel took another sip from her cup.
"Any good?" Jesse asked, curiously.
"Mediocre," Rachel replied and then shook her head.
"Why has Kurt gone over to Dalton?"
"Oh," Rachel looked back up at him again. "He's transferred. You know Karafosky, the Neanderthal Hockey Player?" Jesse nodded. "He was really picking on Kurt, bullying would be a better word really. Believe me, it was far worse than slushies."
Jesse shuddered and Rachel surprised herself when she laughed.
"No, you never did really like them."
"They did nothing for my hair!" Jesse cried, indignantly, a hand shooting up to protect his perfectly styled hair.
Rachel just shook her head. Some of the tension between them had disappeared and for that she was glad. Maybe, just maybe… things would get better from here on in.
Xxx
Sorry for the long wait guys, I normally like to have chapters written in advance- but I wasn't prepared this time. I'll try and make my updates more regular.
Okay, I wasn't so happy with this chapter, I thought it was kind of choppy. Thank you all so much for the amazing response, I never really expected to get so many people wanting more. I've had to think up a plot line!
Just a quick note, thank you so much to my unofficial beta Scribbles111- who helped me with my first chapter. She hasn't actually seen this one, so hopefully she'll enjoy it :)
Might be a while till I update because I've caught something that feels suspiciously like flu and I can't write when I'm like this :(
Please R 'n' R- reviews inspire me.
Love
Ray