A/N: Thanks to my RL co-author screwing up syntax, I have time to edit while the program re-runs (yea for RL screwups). Thank you for all the reviews too. Glad it did not suck as much as I think it does. Finally, Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there.

But I'm stuck in these shoes
And I ain't savior cause I'm not here to save you
Cause I'm not very good at saving myself

Tom stirring in the bed next to Liz woke her. She was no longer accustomed to having someone else in the bed anymore. She was so upset and exhausted when she came to him soaking wet. Tom held her, like the old Tom would. He eventually managed to get her to come inside and change into a pair of his sweatpants and a sweater. After another round of crying, he held her until she fell asleep in his arms. That had been on the couch, but now she was in his bed. She deduced he must have carried her to the bed. Now she was next to him in the bed and even just his leg over hers felt like he was crowding her.

Her restless mind would not let her fall back asleep. Reaching over to the makeshift nightstand, she grabs her phone to check her messages. Interesting she had only one missed called from Nicks Pizza. That was unusual for Red, when he wanted to speak with her and she ignored him, he would call her at least three or four times and then track her down. Today he called once, and left it. Why? Why did he not go into what any normal person outside looking in would have seen as creepy stalker mode. Was he having her followed again? She did not spot anyone, and she was sure if someone had been following her they'd of gotten her before she entered his apartment for the second time.

A voice in her head told her that maybe, just maybe, she should take this as a good sign. Maybe he was respecting her wishes and giving her space. But she never told him she needed space, she just yelled at him, again. The one person who never lies to her, and she yells at him for not lying. He could very well have lied about Tom, and she would have believed him. He could have lied again when he tried to explain himself and she asked if that was all, she wished she had lied clearly by her reaction. Today, he could have lied again when she pleaded with him to tell her the truth. However, he was steadfast in the truth by omission.

If she were thinking clearly, she would question her own sanity. She was trusting a habitual liar, a man who had lied to her for years, over a man who showed time and time again that he never lied to her. He may not tell her everything, and he claimed it was for her safety, but he never lied to her, even when it would have made his life easier. If she was honest with herself, and she rarely was anymore, se ran from Red not because of most of the things she yeled at him about. She ran from Red because of the way he looked and acted around her. He had told her flat out that he saw her as the light in his darkness, his savior. That statement, later when it sank in, sent her into a panic. She barely kept her life together, let alone be that person for someone else.

Sitting up she moved away from Tom needing space to breath. Why was it so hard to breath in here? Moving away she found a chair and sat down lowering her head to her hands as she tried to calm her breathing. She needed to leave now, she thought getting up a bit too quickly the world felt like it was spinning. Where the fuck where her clothes, she thought as she searched around in the semi-dark room.

Tom woke when he heard her moving around. "What's wrong Liz?"

"Where are my clothes?"

"Hanging in the bathroom to dry." Tom said stretching in the bed, "Everything ok?" He felt her move from the bed and heard her phone unlock, had something come up at work.

"Yeah. I just need to go, work." She lied to him but it was better then telling him she felt like he was sucking all the life out of her just being near her.

"Reddington?" He asked his voice full of venom.

"No. Unrelated case. Ressler and I have been working on."

"Oh." Tom said believing her because he knew Liz's tales, and he did not see any of them. He doubted she became a better lair in the past few weeks. "I'll make you some coffee for the road."

"No need." Liz said wanting to leave as fast as possible. She was already in her own wet clothes, that still clung to her body now in an uncomfortable way. "I will pick some up on my way in. Ressler could use a cup."

"Ok." Tom said, "Well if you need me you know where I am at." He paused unsure of what to do, could he hug her? Kiss her? Just let her walk out? He had not felt this unsure of himself in a long time. Finally he settled on, "I'm glad you came to me when you needed someone to talk to."

"Thanks for being here." Liz said meaning the words.

"I will continue to try to find out more information about your mom. I have a few contacts left from Berlin that might still talk to me. I will call you as soon as I find out something."

"Thanks Tom." Liz said rushing towards the door.

"It is the least I could do." Tom said. Before she walked out he stopped her again, "Liz,"

She stopped and turned around to hear him out.

"Try to stay away from Reddington. He is not a good man, and while you are too strong that he will consume you, it does not mean he won't strip away everything that matters to you. He is not here because he cares about you, there is something else he wants or needs from you. Just remember who he is, what he has done."

"I will." She wondered if Tom realized the same advice should apply to him. "I got to go." She said rushing the rest of the way out of the room and out of the building to her waiting car.

Knowing that she would not sleep again tonight or this morning, whatever it was, she drove for awhile to clear hear head. She felt like she was directionless. Like a boat without a rudder. This feeling never use to bother her. Not knowing what the future would hold, what her exact next move was, it was ok. She always figured things would happen or they would not. But right now, she was lost. Torn between two people. It was times like these she would go find Red, at whatever safe house he was staying at, and he would be her rudder. Help her see that she was not directionless. That is how she felt last night when she rushed to Tom because going to the man who took her directions and ripped them apart, did not seem like a good option.

The comfort she found in Tom did not last though. As soon as he saw things were better, that she was better, he started in on Reddington. Why did these two men think she was too stupid to figure out that they each had another motive. Red told her not to trust Tom that he was just using her, and Tom told her not to trust Red because he was just using her. They both were using her for something. The something was important to know because it would help her navigate what was motive and what was genuine caring. With Red she was not sure, but part of it was redemption. Part of it was something else, she was not sure what that something else was though. It was defiantly not the fulcrum anymore. So it had to be something else. Tom, maybe was using her to feel normal, to become normal. To get back that normalcy they had for awhile when things were good, and he was still Tom Keen the goofy school teacher. She was profiler she should know by now what they both wanted from her. But in each case, there was something else.

She found herself sitting outside of the safe house Red had been at earlier that day. So much for driving aimlessly, she thought to herself. Her car was idling and she was staring up at the house. What would Red tell her to do? He would spin some story for her about some obscure thing or one of his previous experiences, and it would hold a bit of advice. Sighing she looked at her phone, it was 2 am. Probably not a good time for a house call. Think Lizzie, she told herself out loud. What should you do?

Both men were using her. Red would tell her to think about what mattered most to each party. Red seemed to genuinely care about her wellbeing. She forgets easily how he came out of the box to save her from Anslo. That was not just the fulcrum making him do it. How he had warned her to never put her life in danger if it came down to his life or hers, that she was more valuable. He had told her she was his light in the fish story. For Red, what seemed most important was her wellbeing. This seemed to be true, even now that the fulcrum was out of play. She had seen the anger, felt the distress he had when he found out about her confronting the director and putting herself in danger again.

What was Tom's motivation? That was unanswerable question. She did not know who Tom was because he was just a fictional man. Tom Keen did not exist. Why had it been so easy for him to let her call him Tom? Was he using their shared past, that little connection left to his advantage? Tom cared about her, Red had made that clear to her. Part of his motivation was to stay with her, but what else was there. Self-preservation.

She laughed at herself. What she was doing was trying to quantify love. To measure it via actions as if it was measurable outside of measuring chemicals in the brain. Who loved her most was what she was starting to try to answer. If that was the question, the answer was easy. It came down to who would die for her without even thinking about the cost. Tom would always look after himself, ensure his preservation. Raymond Reddington would die a million times over, go through the most painful death possible, just to ensure her safety. He had proven it with his actions time and time again.

With that realization she felt a panic attack starting to build, just like after she processed the fish story. It was crushing like someone had grabbed her in a bear hug and was crushing her bones and sucking the life out of her. That is what it felt like right now, when she realized this truth. When it passed, when she got control of herself, she realized exactly how much of a jerk she had been. How horrible she was to the man who gave her the one thing she wanted most, unconditional love. All that he required was to be in her life. He was overbearing in her life, that was for sure, but when she asked, he stepped back.

When she thought about how she treated him it mortified her. He had been close to death and she did not care. She only seemed to care when he was actively dying, but now that he was on the other side she ignored him, blackmailed him, and generally was just a shit to him. He struggled through pain to explain to her that he had screwed up, to give her knowledge of Tom's motives, and most of all to just tell her why he did it. Never asking her to forgive him because he never felt he was worth forgiving. Each time she got mad at him, he just sat there while she yelled at him and treated him like crap. Never once did he ask her to forgive him. Never once did he push her back. He was a powerful man. It was clear when he could just walk into a room and fill it up with his presences. She was sure he had injured and maybe even killed people for less than she has done to him.

Putting Tom in her life was not something she could easily forgive. That was a mistake, and he owned up to it. Not telling her about her mother, or her past that was hard to accept to. That was why they were where they were now. Why could he not tell her? What was so dangerous? Who was it dangerous to? Her or him? Think like Red. Ok. Red is man motivated by unknown forces. He was not a good guy, but he was not the ultimate bad guy either. He walked the line between the two worlds, and it was a thin line to walk, ha cliché much. He saw himself as a bad guy, and he did not like that. No one would know because he hid it well. It was like a real life version of the dark batman. To all that saw him, he was a happy person who lived the life of luxury. He exuded confidence, but that was a defense mechanism. He was confident, but he used it to hide other things. Red was not always comfortable in his own skin. He did what he needed to do, but it was not always what he wanted or what he was proud of. Red did not think himself worthy of love, kindness, or anything good. Not that it was easy to tell that was show he felt, it only came clear over time after multiple attempts to classify him. However, he wanted Liz in his life. To care about him? Maybe, she had seen how he reacted when she told him she cared about him, that he had to deal with it. Was he afraid that if he told her the truth, she'd leave him? She'd no longer have a need for him. He had accused her of the very same thing when she did not want to give up the fulcrum. It pissed her off because he had been correct in his observation. Was she correct in hers?

It made sense, she had given him very little to believe that she would stick around after he told her the truth. The way she treated him was quite contrary. She ran hot and cold with him. One day, when he was doing what she wanted and helping her, she was good with him. But the minute he refused to do what she wanted or a bit of the past came out, she was cold again. Pissed off and pushing him away, trying to punish him because she knew keeping him out of her life was punishment. What had he done back then he thought so bad that she would be pissed off? Or was it simply that he thought she'd no longer have a need for him? He always made their relationship, almost all of his relationships, she corrected herself, were about him being helpful in return for something, usually people needing him. For her it was just him being there to help her, so she needed him. Since day one, when he warned her about her husband. He kept doing that, providing bits of information at critical moments to keep her on the hook, so she would see she still needed him. The pathetic thing was she played right along for most of their relationship. Only using him to get information or comfort. Never once had she asked him how he was, not that she thinks he'd answer honestly. God, after he found out his wife was alive, and daughter, all she did was sneak behind his back to question his life. To try to get answers. Now, she see's it probably would have been better to try to help him find his daughter or even find out the truth about what had happened to his family.

It was on this thought, that she got out of the car to go find Red. She needed to see him, to confront him. Not about her past, but why he would not tell her about it. Was she correct?

Knocking on the door she waited a few minutes before knocking again. She finally heard someone shuffling around inside.

The door opened with a gun pointed at her face. It was Lenoard Caul or whatever his name was.

Liz raised her hands, "I need to speak with Reddington."

"Who is with you?" The man asked hiding behind the door mostly.

"No one. I just need to speak with Reddington."

"He's not here." Leonard answered lowering his gun. He learned the hard way you could never be too careful but Reddington would not take to kindly to him holding on gun on this one. She was important to Reddington, even now that she had given up the fulcrum.

"Do you know where he is?"

"I believe he left town on business." Leonard answered. "Try calling his bodyguard."

"Ok thanks." Liz replied walking back to her car. Had that been why he called earlier because he had to leave town on business? She wondered where he was going at a time like this, when there was a huge target on his back and hers. Did he finally decide she was not worth all the risk? The missed call seemed important again. If she had answered, she would know.

She decided to return the call, it might be the wee hours of the morning but Red always took her calls. The phone range multiple times but no one ever picked up.

Dembe had woken to hear the phone ring, and when he saw it was Elizabeth Keen he decided to make an executive decision he knew would piss Raymond off. He ignored the call. Red needed his rest. The last thing he needed, especially with a likely infection brewing, was to fight with Elizabeth Keen. So Dembe ignored the call. If it is an emergency she will try again or call one of the other numbers Raymond had given her for emergencies.

He did not answer, Liz thought looking at the phone when she finally gave up. She thought about calling back, but he would just ignore it again. There was only one option left and it sure in the hell was not giving up.

But sometimes I still feel like I'm losing
Sometimes I still feel all alone
Sometimes I still feel I won't make it through this
On my own