ok but let's be real here who wouldn't want to show up in front of safeway in an f-22. f-16. whatever i dont care.
Dear Diary:
Will not be dissected. Go me! Will instead be subjected to relentless bouts of mind-fuckery via something referred to as a cortical psychic patch. Sounds v. much the sort of thing to be developed by mad space scientists and/or Bond villains. Smarmy medic seems v. much Bond villain material. Mentioned this in passing and was given comment about how newer films could have been better and should have contained more car chases. Car chases apparently vast improvement on typical human limb-flailing combat forms.
Honestly would not have pegged giant space robots as fans of human cinema to begin with. Go figure.
Attempted to explain to robots the concept of food. Am starving and only did not initially notice on account of being distracted by threat of imminent death and presence of vaguely pretty robots. Would kill for a sandwich or five.
Was informed that yes, they know what eating is, but really have no desire to receive in-depth descriptions of human digestive process. Have decided that in case of emergencies will prepare long speech on multiple human biological processes to be delivered as distraction. Will include all really gross ones. Even reproduction? Especially reproduction. If was forced to sit through seven years of repetitive public school sex ed, then only fair that giant space robots receive same opportunity.
Smarmy medic has agreed to supervise grocery trip, on account of being one of few actually capable of tolerating and/or not accidentally murdering me, and as it would be v. suspicious to show up outside of Safeway in F-22. Technically considered a date? Pretty one seems jealous but maybe he is always like that.
(Adn: Would not nesc. object to showing up outside of Safeway in F-22, but given closer consideration the whole thing is really v. silly.)
Smarmy medic refused to let me ride in driver's seat. What an ass. Was, on the other hand, v. particular about seatbelt safety. Suspect this is less out of concern for personal well-being and more on account of the fact that pretty one threatened him w/ evisceration if any "assets" were "damaged." Am v. fond of assets and would also prefer them not to be damaged, threat of evisceration or not. Am not entirely sure what assets actually are. Along w/ alien contents of brain, possibly smart mouth. Also possibly possession of bangin' rack, but do not think giant space robots are sort to care about that. I also do not care much for it. Glad to see we are in agreement about something, even if other half of that agreement is mostly result of own imagination.
Travel from ship to ground available via smth. aptly referred to as "ground bridge." Suspect it may be some sort of portable wormhole technology, in which case am both v. intrigued and v. afraid. Would love chance to inquire after method of operations but suspect would not understand much of it anyways, and doubt answers would be forthcoming to begin with. Also wondering abt. current state of own atoms. Have not collapsed into heap of sludge so assume everything fine.
While at grocery store considered fleeing through back exit, but am notoriously bad at sneaking and do not think that requesting access to employee-only areas can be done in an inconspicuous manner. Would not want to get police involved, as human law enforcement is probably ill-equipped to deal with giant space robots and their massive fucking laser cannons. (Adn: Smarmy medic actually possesses massive fucking buzz saws. Do not think human law enforcement could deal with that either. Do not think anyone is really capable of dealing with that. Would not want to deal with it myself, personally. Have seen what regular-sized buzz saws can do to people. Am never taking another shop class again.)
Also did not know actual location, as could have been any Safeway, really. Cannot afford taxi fees. Taxi fees more expensive than groceries.
Purchased non-perishable food items that will hopefully last a week w/ rationing. Mostly bread. Would probably get fat but fear v. good for burning calories. Also several gallons of water as would be v. bad to have all necessary foodstuffs only to die of dehydration. Cashier joked abt. preparing for the apocalypse. Did not attempt to deny it. Would not be surprised if giant space robots attempt to initiate doomsday somewhere along the line. Seems to be the sort of thing that would be right up pretty one's alley.
Adn to previous entry: Do not know how robots feel about polygamy. Smarmy medic laughed when asked and refused to say more. Am sure will mention this to other robots behind my back, the gossipy bitch. Suspect it would never work out anyways, as smarmy medic appears to already have some sort of boyfriend slash husband slash partner in crime. Will have to aim for pretty one instead. Am fine with this, as am still stuck on mental image of showing up places in an F-22. Would save so much on gas money. Sci-fi club would be so jealous. Both v. much worth it.
Still living on table, but now have adequately-sized pile of consumables. Smarmy medic seems reasonably tolerant of my presence at this point. Have probably progressed beyond mook level. Progress! Have also attempted to get on pretty one's good side by complimenting plating. Am not sure which human organ this corresponds to but suspect it is wrong one. All came out v. awkward and jumbled anyways. Am not v. good at flattery. Will try for wings next time.
Pretty one is definitely jealous. Hope he is not the murderous lover type. V. high probability.
Sandwiches consumed: 3. V. good!
Potential sandwiches remaining: 7. If current rate of consumption continues, will run out of fillings v. soon, and do not relish thought of eating plain bread for three days. Will use as excuse for more dates/grocery trips.
Adn: Mostly was just relieved to see sunlight again. Called mother and said I was taking week off to go camping with friends, lack of communications shouldn't worry her. Went to voicemail but maybe that for the best. Am trying not to think too much about it.
Dear Diary:
Stuck on ship w/ pretty one while Knockout and boyfriend-husband attend to enemy skullcrushing duty. Complimented wingspan and hypothetical airspeed velocity. Much more successful than last time. Go me! Wonder how far I will have to take this relationship before it is acceptable to ask for joyrides.
Sandwiches consumed: 2. Still hungry.
Pretty one seems v. concerned abt. state of superior officer, called Megatron, who appears to be basically dead. Do not think return will be much threat to his prettiness, but can never tell. On other hand, suspect return may be threat to my personal well-being, as is apparently the sort who does not appreciate things being carried on being his back. May be in best interest to assist in any/all plots to keep Megatron under. Proposed murder scheme, which briefly seemed to please, before being torn full of holes that of course would never have been able to consider on account of being stuck on a table all day. Am v. glad had journal w/ me or otherwise would probably die of boredom and also go quite mad.
Also used opportunity to request different living conditions, or at least chance to move around rest of ship. If am going to be here for a while would at least like to know the run of things. Pretty one seemed averse to idea but then grumbled about having nothing better to do. Told me to wait for his return. Mentioned that as am still on table am really incapable of doing much else other than waiting. May be outmatched in any sort of fight but refuse to be out-snarked.
Riding wooden roller coaster at local theme park has been dropped down to second most terrifying experience of life in exchange for being carried around ship by giant space robot. 10/10 would not recommend. Was constantly convinced that pretty one would lose his grip and send me plummeting to an untimely death by spaceship floor. Am even more certain that several times it seemed abt. to happen were deliberate. Wonder if this is payback for being smartass. Will continue to be smartass anyways.
Will also not deny that was v. interested in everything. Could not read screens for shit, but that to be expected on account of I am not a giant space robot and cannot be expected to understand their bizarre giant space robot language. Which, incidentally, looks like sort of thing that would make excellent conscript. Could use as reference and no one in science fiction club would ever know. Possible project?
Caught glimpse of third non-mook space robot from a distance, but pretty one was reluctant to approach, possibly on account of third robot's noodle arms. Do not blame him. Would also be reluctant to approach robot w/ noodle arms. Noodle-arms' name is Soundwave. May continue to refer to as noodle-arms on account of he givesme the willies and noodle-arms is much less threatening name. Would like to note that also had no proper face. Am so glad that I will have no trouble sleeping tonight. At all.
Tour cut unfortunately short after made the mistake of asking to see Megatron. Think I am lucky that spine was not broken. Pretty one needs to watch his grip.
Sandwiches consumed: 1, due to stress.
Am going to ask Knockout more about Megatron thing, when he comes back.