—
IV.
Almost two weeks after Sheldon's meeting with the guys at The Cheesecake Factory, he still can't decide what to make of their suggestions. His friends had been eager to advise him on how to 'step up his game' with Amy, but Sheldon continues to have his doubts. He does not mind the idea of cooking a nice meal, dancing, or otherwise trying out 'romance', but the idea of trying to squeeze into some Howard-style pants is quite disconcerting. More than anything else, he doubts that shameless begging is something that Amy would find attractive.
He has not told anyone at all about the ring, except for Gollum, of course. The small statue had been unable to offer him any wisdom, but at least he could be sure that the inanimate object would keep his secret.
Sheldon had been shocked when Amy asked to take a step back from their relationship. She had always seemed to understand that their relationship was superior to any and all others. Truthfully, though, she was also very clear about how much she loves him. If anything, it sounded like she wanted more of him. He wonders, if she had known about the ring, would that have changed anything? He fears that when the time comes to bring up the subject, she will now think it is something he is doing out of desperation rather than desire.
Desire. The most uncomfortable of uncomfortable topics. Sheldon is not a fool. Not anymore, anyway, not about this. He does want a physical relationship with Amy and has, in fact, wanted to be intimate with her for some time now. Nevertheless, he has pushed her away at every turn. He understands how this must be confusing for her. It is confusing for him as well.
For his entire life, Sheldon had assumed that he was not subject to the whims and impulses of his endocrine system. While others around him 'matured' into crazed, rutting wildebeests, he focused his attentions on the lady of science, physics. He never felt sorry about his decision. Truthfully, he never even gave the matter much thought at all. People around him made it clear that his priorities were peculiar, but Sheldon never particularly cared what others thought of him.
He still had urges, of course, much like any other man. Still, those impulses weren't directed at any specific person. They were merely a physical reality, and he would take care of his body's needs with the same perfunctory air with which he performed any other regular ablutions. Proper maintenance was important for good prostate health, after all. He certainly hadn't ever felt as if his higher brain functions were at the mercy of his hindbrain.
Since meeting Amy Farrah Fowler, everything has changed. Sheldon has never been comfortable with change of any kind, and it has been unsettling in the extreme to suddenly experience so many new kinds of feelings. Even more troubling is how his baser desires are now so utterly attached to his innocent Amy.
The pace of their relationship has been slow by almost anyone's standards, but to Sheldon, the changes have been flashing by at lightning speed. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing were not activities that he had ever expected to take an interest in. He had felt overwhelmed at each milestone and put up a wall in his mind to try to control the tidal wave of feelings.
He remembers the way he had developed strategies to keep both her and his growing desires at bay. The Relationship Agreement, plan A, was usually a good starting point for insuring that nothing spontaneous would occur. Once kissing had become a regular happening, he found he needed a backup plan. Plan B was to think about anything other than Amy while kissing her. Anything from video game controllers to flag history to superheroes had made for a good distraction.
Amy has no doubt caught on to this by now, but he suspects that she misunderstands his motivations. She thinks that he is simply not interested, but nothing could be further from the truth. He is incredibly interested. He just hates feeling out of control.
It has become more and more clear to him that he needs to let these fears go. There is an ever-increasing body of evidence that the fear is irrational. After all, for every step towards intimacy that they have taken together, both physical and emotional, things have always turned out so much better than he could have expected. Though he has anticipated disaster with each new change, with Amy he somehow always winds up with bliss. There is no reason to believe that sexual intimacy will be any different.
Her frustration with him is legitimate, and he has been frustrated with himself too. The last two weeks spent without her have been awful, and one of the worst parts of it all is the unrelenting knowledge that he bears responsibility for the current situation. He has been lying to her. They are lies of omission, sure, but lies nonetheless.
It is long past the time when he should have made the truth of his desires known to Amy. He hopes that it won't be too late.
—
V.
"Maybe he has some kind of weird superhero fetish?" Bernadette suggests, while topping off the glasses of wine for her two friends. She and Penny have opted to have girls' night at Amy's apartment, knowing that she still needs time away from Sheldon.
Penny nods. "Yeah, you could try dressing up as The Flash's girlfriend, Iris West, and then just go for it." Her face shifts into a look of dismay. "Damn, it's so disturbing when I realize I know that kind of stuff about comics…"
Bernadette snorts. "Roleplaying as The Flash would probably end up being pretty apt for a guy in his thirties who's never been laid." She snaps her fingers and jerks her head to the side. "Boom, you're done!"
Penny and Bernadette both cackle at the thought, but Amy looks unamused. Bernadette tries to stifle her laughter. She knows it's a time for more sympathy and less joking.
"Sorry," she squeaks, "but sometimes when life gives you a Sheldon, all you can do is laugh."
"He really misses you, Sweetie. It's only been two weeks and he's already kind of crazy. Like, more than usual."
Bernadette has to admit that Penny's attempt at commiserating is coming out a little better than her own, but not by much.
"I'm not trying to make him crazy," Amy mumbles, taking a sip of her wine and then fiddling with the stem of the glass.
"Well, I mean Sheldon-style crazy. You know, like just yesterday, he came over to my apartment to meet Leonard. While he was waiting, he sat down on my couch, and he was only a foot or so away from a pair of balled up dirty socks," Penny relays with wide eyes, "and he didn't even notice!"
Amy seems unimpressed. Penny slaps her friend's thigh and adds, "Ooh, and a couple days before that, Leonard was telling me how Sheldon has been off his typical morning bowel movement schedule by a good ten minutes."
When Amy drops her head into her hands, it looks like it finally occurs to Penny that her tale is not all that comforting. "Yeah, I wish Leonard would stop telling me about that. But seriously, Ames, it's much more than that. Sheldon is usually so self-centered and arrogant, but right now he seems lost. He's insecure and mopey. I never thought I'd miss his normal bravado, but it's just so sad…"
"It is sad," Amy agrees, "and I'm sad too. I don't think I can even begin to explain to you guys what it's like."
She proceeds to try and explain anyway. It's a long story that Penny and Bernadette are quite familiar with, having borne witness to it firsthand over the years.
Bernadette feels great sympathy for her friend. She knows that she has had some harsh words for Amy in the past, particularly when it comes to Amy's relationship with Sheldon. It's just that she has hated seeing her friend face rejection over and over again. It's frustrating and she wants to help, but she isn't sure what advice she could possibly give. That relationship doesn't seem to fit any kind of typical pattern. She isn't sure what she can offer other than understanding of Amy's position.
"Having watched you guys and your painfully slow progress over the years, it's more than understandable that you need some time to sort things out. We don't blame you for feeling frustrated. If anything, we're surprised that you didn't crack sooner."
"I don't want to pressure him at all. It's so difficult, though, never knowing where I stand with him or what he wants from this relationship. He says that he loves me, and I believe him, but what does that feeling even mean to Sheldon? I'm starting to think that I'm just one more piece of his stupid schedule—something that he has gotten used to but nothing more."
The room is silent for an uncomfortable length of time after that.
"Wow, and I thought Sheldon was mopey," Penny says with a half-smile, nudging Amy's shoulder.
Her attempts to keep things light aren't completely in vain because Amy does return the smile, if briefly. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not the best company right now."
Bernadette straightens her out about that right away. "Oh, it's ok Amy. We're always happy to hear you out. Sometimes talking through your thoughts is the best way to come to some kind of conclusion."
"I don't think I'm going to be coming to any conclusions tonight," she admits, "but thank you."
"Ok, Ames, enough overthinking for tonight," Penny says with mock sternness. "Less sadness, more half-naked men." She whips out a dvd from her purse. The title is '300' and the cover is splashed with some heavily-muscled, scantily-clad men.
"What's that about?" Amy inquires.
"Does it matter?" Penny answers with an arched brow. They glance to one another and come to a consensus. No, no it does not.
—
VI.
At first, Sheldon had felt nothing but relief when he resolved to pursue a sexual relationship with Amy. As he sits in front of his computer now, he feels the first pangs of panic begin to set in. He has no idea whatsoever of what he is doing, and that is an unacceptable state for Sheldon Cooper to find himself in.
As he has done with every other aspect of his life, he decides to begin with research. He refuses to be ill-prepared for anything in life that is important, and there is nothing—no one—more important than Amy.
He's aware of the crude mechanics of the sexual act, of course, but it's clear that there's other, more complicated aspects to the endeavor. It doesn't take much searching for Google to spit out links to overly-graphic representations of coitus. These bodies look nothing like the flat, still drawings that he remembers from reading the 'Gray's Anatomy' textbook in his youth.
Frankly, he finds the vast majority of the imagery off-putting. He isn't surprised, though. Before he held hands with Amy for the first time, the concept had seemed unnecessary and unsanitary. After holding hands with her on a regular basis, he then came to the conclusion that it was actually quite comforting. Hugging and kissing had once seemed inconceivable as well, until he experienced those things with her. Amy, it seems, is a key variable for him. With her, everything is different.
He clicks on one of the more innocuous looking videos. The… actress… in this one is wearing entirely too much makeup. She doesn't seem to be surgically altered, though, and he likes the familiar look of her long, brunette hair. But for the hair on her head, she is otherwise bald, which Sheldon finds peculiar. It might be useful, he supposes, to help get a better idea of female anatomy. The cameraman must agree because before long the camera pans to a rather up-close and personal angle of the young woman's nether regions.
They are only one speculum away from a complete gynecological exam at this point. The woman seems to be having a great time, though, so perhaps it's not quite the same. His mind starts to drift to thoughts of Amy. Would engaging in these activities evoke similar reactions in her? Would Amy look similar to this woman? Fascinating.
His reflections are interrupted by the obnoxious chime of a computer alert. Like the grown man that he is, Sheldon casually pauses and minimizes his browser window of porn before bringing up the window with his mother's Skype call. Supernatural musings are complete hokum, but he can't help the fleeting thought that his mother must have some kind of sixth sense for sinful thoughts.
"Good evening, sweetheart," she greets him with her classic Texan drawl. It appears that she still hasn't quite gotten the hang of using the webcam for Skype calls because the camera is positioned such that he can see straight up her nose.
Fortunately, it looks like she notices this on her screen, and she sits back to a position where he can see her properly. Seeing her familiar face at this moment, when he is feeling so unsure of himself, is comforting. Or at least it would be, if he hadn't just been doing what he'd just been doing.
"Hi, Mom," he returns her greeting and tries to give her a polite smile. It seems that his fake smile is not convincing because her face begins to fill with suspicion.
"So, how are things?" she asks, with narrowed eyes and a tilted head.
Sheldon clears his throat. "Everything is fine." Unsure of what to say and wanting to avoid any more awkward chit chat, he starts to ramble, giving her a long-winded speech about his current physics research. He barely pauses for breath while describing his paper with Leonard and his ongoing foray into the field of dark matter.
"Uh huh. That's all very sciency of you, Son," she responds after he finishes. "So… how's that girl of yours? We are all hoping to get a chance to see her out here soon. When do you think you might get to bringing her 'round?"
Sheldon sighs, realizing that he has not been successful at distracting her. "Um, Amy's great. I'm sure she'll want to see all of you as well." He's trying to act casual, but he can feel his own eyes darting around, aiming anywhere other than at his mother.
"Shelly!" His attention is snapped back to the screen when he hears her call his name. "What's going on? Have the two of you… have you been sinning?" she asks.
"No! Of course not," he replies, figuring that he might as well be indignant while he still has the chance.
He expects her to be pleased, but his mother says, "Why in heavens name not? It's been five years, son!"
Sheldon does not even begin to know how to respond to that.
"I know that I have done my best to extol the virtues of the good Lord's commandments. There is a point, however, where everyone knows that those are… more of a hopeful guideline than a fully achievable standard. A few slip ups are to be expected. Or sometimes something may slip in…"
He wishes that he didn't know what she is talking about. She tilts her head and looks off into the distance for a brief moment and then with a quick inhale through her nose, she continues, "If we want to be redeemed sinners, and of course we do, then a little sin is a necessary ingredient from time to time."
This little spiel of hers is in direct contradiction to every super strict piece of conservatism that he can ever remember her attempting to instill in him. It does, however, match the rampant hypocrisy that he has witnessed among many who claim themselves to be pious.
"That's absurd."
"No darlin', that's life."
—