A/N. I own absolutely nothing. Leave reviews and I'll be forever in your debt.
Chapter 2
Minutes later, our car pulled over in front of the house. Wow, it took her only an hour. That was fast.
As Iris walked towards me, I kept trying to read her face and body language but they weren't giving me anything.
"What did Dr. Barden say?" I inquired – seeming like I don't give much damn but secretly hoping for something.
She stood still right in front of me and let out a deep sigh. She shook her head before telling me, "It was nothing… Just some weird offer that I became immediately uninterested in." She smacked her lips to my cheek before heading inside the house.
My eyes are fixed on a distance. My mind started to panic a little because I lost track of what I was thinking. I took notice of our car. The doors are already smooth and the whole thing was re-painted in black but in my head, I could still trace the damages of the accident. In vivid memory, I could still sketch the scratches over the insurance renovation.
Back then, I had long thought that my worsening illness was the culprit of all my misery. But it wasn't until this year that I realized it wasn't. It is what has become of my sister after the accident.
Before I could rush to another thought, I felt a hand tap my shoulder. "Raleigh, come on. The results are coming out today."
"Results?"
"Yeah... For the transplant thing?" Iris said with a smile.
"Oh, right." I stood from my seat and grabbed a sweater.
Before I got discharged last week from the hospital, Dr. Barden informed us of my urging need for a bone marrow transplant - just another strong indication that I'm not getting any better. The effect of the news though wasn't on me but on my sister. We barely survived the last nine months and here comes some more grand demanded from us. Iris immediately asked Dr. Barden if she could donate, since we're siblings. He said that it is indeed a possibility but not a guarantee. Iris then requested that she be tested at once to speed up the pacing of events.
It wasn't a matter of giving it a shot. She had herself tested thinking that there's no way she couldn't be a match since we are biologically related to each other; we came from the same blood and flesh. It was purely Iris's logic that led her to that decision.
I've always known my sister as someone who will never have the guts to take any leap of faith. She's the 'glass-is-always-half-empty' type. She dislikes the unknown for she cannot bring herself to bet on the positive. Iris can be defined by the sure ball that she always preferred. And though it may seem that someone as pessimistic as her cannot be capable of handling reality, Iris knows very well where to search for invincible will. Even if the 'known' is as ugly as pain, if she wanted it to happen, she'll make it happen no matter what. She will survive it with an iron will – god knows where she gets it from.
We arrived at McKazee's Diagnostics in no time. Iris's foot kept on tapping a happy rhythm while we sit waiting for the staff to retrieve our papers.
"You're smiling." I told Iris sounding confused, rather than glad.
"You say that as if it's illegal for me to do so." Iris joked. Wow, someone's in a great mood suddenly.
"It's been a while since you wore a smile that actually meant something." I kept on a serious look.
"Yeah? And what is it telling you now?" She mocked – still smiling.
This one, Iris, is telling me of your satisfaction brought about by the fact that whatever your master plan is, it's working. If I say it to her face, she'll go quizzical and unless I present her graphs and charts to make it all crystal clear to her, she won't stop bugging me about it.
"Got into a new job?" I asked instead.
"Kind of… Yes." She answered.
I said nothing in return and instead, stared right into that pair of blue eyes she got from our father.
Her eyes widened and lost the ability to stare back at me steadily. "Raleigh, I know you have hundreds of stares. What is this you're throwing at me?" She sounded like I could chew her into pieces at any moment with my stare.
"This would be me doubting you by your answer to my question." I sneered at the reaction I'm getting from her. It surprised me that I enjoy scaring my sister.
"Alright, fine!" She let out a sigh. "It's not really a job for me yet. I mean – I had the interview two days ago and the manager sounded so promising… I'm a pro at handling people, Raleigh. You know that. I think… I nailed that interview with my résumé and some ass-kicking answers."
Iris is being Iris – always accounting the good stuff on her actions and never on blind faith.
She brushed a hand through her wavy blond hair. "Suddenly," She looked up and wandered her eyes as if a lot of good possibilities flashed side by side before her. "Suddenly, I'm steering my way to a job that will actually spell f-u-t-u-r-e-m-a-n-a-g-e-r all the way."
"Uh-uh. Iris, you do know that before you maneuver your way to promotion, you first need to get a job that is s-t-a-b-l-e, right?" I scoffed. "Before you started selling sausages and sandwiches at Sans Ville Diner, you swore me Starbucks then after two weeks, you got your ass f-i-r-e-d."
"The old man was being a jerk when he barged into the owner's office complaining of how I gave him hot cocoa when he ordered for a cup of mocha. That damn customer accused my hearing sense as faulty and I simply stood up for myself. I know what I heard. He was being an a-s-s-h-,"
"Asshole... Got it." I interrupted her spelling as it started to annoy me. "You still got fired, though." I teased.
She poked me on the cheek and the next thing I knew, my sister and I were having fun holding a little horseplay in our seats. I finally had a good grip on her ear, locking her head on my lap while trying to tickle her when - "Number 462!" The woman at the counter called out. We came back to our senses and got up.
Do you want to know what happened next? One word: silence.
The trip back home seems to be taking a lot longer than going to McKazee's. It's probably just the rush hour traffic. Everything is going like I am in some sort of film montage – no words, just slow motion and a sad song playing in the background.
Iris is quiet in the driver's seat. The radiant smile and the merry tone of her voice when she was speaking about how she nailed the job interview – now all gone. Her face now casts this anger that says something like 'I fucking failed my mission and now the private investigation agency I work for will kick me out because of it.'
I could feel her self-inflicted pain – not the private investigation agency thing in plain sense, but the metaphor of it. She counts her success rate as ninety-nine percent. Today just happens to be the one percent when she wanted something so bad but fell short. I could feel myself hurting as she detested herself more and more with each minute passing by. We're both trying to endure a knife in the chest. Mine is just a slower suicide.
I couldn't handle it anymore. Before Iris could hit the final gust of air into the balloon to blow me up, I broke the silence. "You mad at me or something?" I inquired as if I have no clue of what the hell is going on.
"Why would I be mad at you?" She glimpsed at me as I intruded her focus on her driving. "I thought I would be a match. I feel like I let you down."
There, - my thoughts exactly.
"You can't always be the hero." I finally confronted her about it. "Sometimes you have to let go."
"Like – let go of you?" She replied instantly.
Close, Iris. Very close. Not what I had in mind but – close. Why didn't I think of that anyway - letting go of myself? Some self-harm, huh? But I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I can't imagine the effect it will have on Iris.
"It's not your fault, Iris. Doctor Barden said that siblings may not be a match and it's normal." Now I couldn't look at her. I fixed my eyes on whatever sight there was by my window.
She didn't say anything and I took it as my chance to shoot it all up in her face. "You're pissed right now because you think you were so close at finally doing something noble… as if quitting college and selling doughnuts in the highway weren't heroic enough."
"So what are you trying to say?" I garnered more hate in her voice when she spoke.
"Not all bad luck has something to do with you, okay?!" It startled me when I realized how my voice unintentionally raised itself. I took a deep breath to return to calmness. "Iris, I- I'm sorry."
But no, I can't just leave it all inside me. By the time I opened my mouth to start the confrontation, I was already dancing at the brink of disaster – falling won't make this situation any worse than it already is.
"Iris, you can't blame yourself for every misfortune that happens." I didn't feel like being the one to lecture but I wasn't not sure if Iris really needed to be told straightforward or she was simply pretending. "It's life. Sometimes it's heavenly, sometimes it's shitty. And when it's being a dick, no one's responsible for it."
"You think so?! Then tell me this." Her voice rose – apparently reminding the atmosphere who the alpha is. "You had to quit the academic year because mom and dad left us with debts and I didn't have a job right away to keep you in school. Now why can't I hold myself responsible for that?"
"Because you can't, Iris! It all summed up to over a hundred dollars so even if you had a job back then, we still wouldn't be able to keep up paying for everything! Gosh, Iris! I know that you're hurting and I am too, but-,"
She didn't even let me finish my mini speech. "You just think that you know but you don't!"
I hate how we are verbally attacking each other right now.
"You don't know what it's like to see things crash down and realize that you're just standing there watching, doing nothing about it. You have no idea what it's like to spend every waking moment knowing how you're fucked up enough to mess up every little thing you lay your hands on."
Her voice started to break as she continued to strive speaking everything out in the fewest breaths that she could."You-, you lay down your head at night but you cannot sleep because you keep regretting all the wrong things you've done for the day. You keep re-living all your errors in the light of learning how you could have done better. It's tiring, Raleigh! I have no way of stopping myself from doing it every single night other than fooling myself… convincing myself that I am a new person everyday and that tomorrow, I will mess up less."
She started speaking in the tone of despair. "But the cycle never changed." She rested a hand on her forehead as she took a deep breath. "Eventually I give in and let myself rest for the night. But then the first thing I always have to do when I open my eyes in the morning, is to deliberate within me if whether I am already in my afterlife or still just breathing another sunrise in my reality. And-," She paused upon hearing her voice break a lot more. She placed a trembling hand over her lips as she fought the urge to cry.
"And-, before I even move another muscle, I get my answer – the same fucking answer every morning. I start to feel poison in my blood as yesterday's worries pull me into an embrace, welcoming me like I'm the prodigal son who returned to the place he will always belong. And then I just knew - that nothing had changed while I slept." She took a few deep breaths striving hard not to lose more control.
The next minutes were spent in total silence. And at long last, we reached the front of our house. As Iris turned off the engine, I decided to say my last word – fearing that I may never get the opportunity to corner her into conversations like this again. "Iris, I know everything."
"You don't." Her voice still shook.
"I do, Iris. I know your pain. When I see you spend time on bills that we cannot pay, when I don't see you every time you rename rest days to 'job-hunting-around-the-city days,' when I hear you sob through the thin wall that our rooms share… it kills me faster than this blood disease does."
"You're not dying." She immediately corrected.
"I am, Iris!" I bawled. "You always take a bullet for me and it destroys me because I cannot do anything about it! So don't you dare tell me that I don't know anything about hating myself for just watching things crash down before my eyes. Iris, I see you crash down all the time and it hurts to know that I am the cause of it. If only I had not gotten sick-,"
"No, Raleigh. Don't." She threw herself to hug me. She dislikes it when I bring up the topic about what could have been if I wasn't sick.
She cupped my face in her hands and looked straight into my eyes, "You'll be fine. I'll make sure of it, okay?" Tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Don't cry Iris. I don't like watching you cry." She chuckled at the sweet thought.
"Okay." She brushed her thumbs softly against my cheeks before grabbing the car key and her purse. "I'll make you your favorite pasta for dinner tonight."
I couldn't help but smile at the thought of it. Iris isn't the best cook in town but her pasta dishes are always a bomb.
As she went out the car, I heard my tummy growl. "Sure Iris, but what about lunch first?" I asked upon getting out of my seat.
"Hmm, want to grab something at Pan Dre's?" She offered, bringing back her radiant smile.
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Pancakes? At this time of the day?"
She reached out a hand to hold mine. "Why not? I'm pretty sure you had an awful time with that egg sandwich you made this morning. Pan Dre's will make up for it." She teased.
And just like that,- all seemed back to normal, for now.
"You better remember my combo order, Iris."
She smirked, "What makes you think I'd forget?"
"Welcome to Pan Dre's," the waiter said as he held up a notebook and positioned his pen ready to write.
"Yes um, Blueberry Combo B for him; Salad Swing C for me." Iris squinted at the waiter who was busy jotting down notes.
"Ervin?" The waiter looked up to Iris as she called him by that name. He looked puzzled – apparently digging deep into memory lane on how he probably knew my sister in any way.
"It's me, Iris – from Social Studies last year?" He was almost there to remember; Iris continued. "You lent me your Parker when Doctor Hayman decided to have an on-the-spot post-test on Asian governments and I-,"
He finished the statement as he finally hit the memory, "-and you left yours at the quad during the debate after-party the night before."
Iris grinned as he recalled. "Yeah, glad you still remember."
He shook his head and looked down as he blushed. "How could I totally forget? I don't usually lend pens, but your blue eyes caught me off-guard." He chuckled – his cheeks getting on a deep shade of red.
So that's Ervin. The legendary Ervin is finally in the flesh. I didn't know he's from this town as well.
Iris mentioned him to me for the first time via phone conversation about a year ago. I remember him being described by Iris as tall, dark-haired, athletic-bodied, and a total charmer. But back then, she was so particular about how his hazel eyes sparkled. Was it why Iris mentioned loving Social Studies despite its dreadful 4-hour lectures?
I stared and examined him as they talked. Yes, he does own a pair of hazel eyes. So what? I have hazel eyes! Mine are on a crisper palette of gold and bronze than his, actually! But Iris never said anything about how mine sparkled. Wow. I never thought puppy love could be funnier in college than in high school.
The Ervin figure my parents and I had ten months ago had a deeper impact than what seems to Iris as just a love interest. He was all what she talks about with mom on their weekly phone calls. With Iris talking about him in the merriest tone, mom had managed to keep her sanity. Hospitalization bills back then were starting to mount in pile. Being partly glass-is-always-half-empty type (a pessimist like Iris but less), my mom was starting to lose it every night before bed. Dad had doubled his efforts to balance her out. He was supposed to be the yin to her yang, but he wasn't enough. What snaps mom out of her worries was Iris.
Every time Iris tells her about how she enjoyed Ervin's company during Social Studies, or how he would knock on her dorm and show up with her coffee order, or how he made amazing pneumonic patterns while they studied together in the library, mom's mood would change and stay as nice as it became for the
rest of the day. And seeing mom free from the chains of my illness, I couldn't be more content. And I had Iris to thank for it. No, strike that; I had Ervin to thank for it.
"Aren't you supposed to be in Georgia? The semester started a few weeks ago, right?" Iris inquired.
"Yeah but my new schedule blessed me with only four school days. My Fridays and weekends are vacant, and school load doesn't weigh much yet 'till December so I can still manage to visit home every week." He chuckled. "Plus, my contract here at Pan Dre's is still on 'till the end of this month."
Ervin turned to my direction as I threw my forehead down to the table in despair for food. "Oh sorry," he gestures to the kitchen area. "I haven't relayed your orders yet. Later, Iris." He left our table.
"You okay, Raleigh?" Iris tried to duck and meet my eyes as I kept my forehead still smacked on the desk. I'm just really hungry right now.
"No one orders Salad Swing C unless they're crazy or something," I mocked.
"So, I'm crazy or something?" She rested her chin on the ball of her left hand.
I sat up straight and leaned my head back to the chair. "No one in his right mind would order a salad with zero chicken content, or tuna flakes, or-,"
She rolled her eyes. "Vegan's the new trend, Raleigh." She giggled.
Before I could deride back, Ervin was back with a chair and sat with us. "So Iris, I never heard from you since you-" he gulped nervously, like he remembered a mysterious dark pit existing with Iris's sudden disappearance. "-since you ditched your report." He looked down in unease, hoping he hadn't knocked on a very sensitive topic.
"About that," Iris began. "I learned that our parents got into a car accident on the day of my Social Studies presentation. And the next day I went back here to make sure my brother's okay... been taking care of him ever since."
Ervin bit his lower lip. He let out a sigh before saying, "So a goodbye wasn't on your checklist before totally moving out?" He smiled sweetly.
Iris reached over to place her hand over his. "Ervin,"
"No, Iris. I was just kidding." He chuckled. "I'm sorry for what happened, though."
Oh the tension between these two. It's obvious that Iris still has that flame for him. Great! Ervin can you stay and bring back the sanity into my sister?
"Ooops!" Ervin glanced at his wrist watch. "Your orders should be up any moment now. I-," he pointed to the counter.
"Oh, sure." Iris blushed as she stared at him walking off with his chair.
"Damn," I sported a disgusted face. "You're still into him."
"Oh shut it Raleigh," she muttered.
I kept on my killer gaze and preyed on her blue eyes. And as expected, she went on with her ritual of intimidated mannerism. "Raleigh, stop staring at me like that!"
I smirked, taking so much pleasure in her expression.
"Fine!" She rolled her eyes. "I guess I still like him," she whispered.
I raised an eyebrow, "You guess?"
She rested a cheek on the ball of her right hand – distorting that half of her face cutely. With eyebrows meeting in annoyance, Iris looks like my 5-year old little sister who I just pissed by grabbing her favorite doll.
Her mood shifted swiftly as she shyly pursed her lips while her cheeks went deep red. She leaned in from across my seat - her arms folded on the table, "That was the gorgeous set of hazel eyes I was telling you before." She giggled.
For a few minutes Iris was like that – babbling Ervin's beauty to my face. By impulse, I would be screaming 'Someone get me out of this crazy shit about how Ervin is hand-crafted from heaven please,' from the inside. But I sat still, just admiring how my sister's present carefree state is so striking, how it is so – her.
"And he plays tennis! Did you hear me? Tennis!" Iris exclaimed in immeasurable admiration.
Yes, I heard you the first five hundred times, Iris. But damn, she's really happy at this moment!
"He won the Sophomore Open back in-," Iris paused and stared past my head as if she's witnessing the Twin Towers crumbling down. In curiosity, I turned to find out for myself.
Fuck, no.
From a distance, there stood Ervin (whose elbows are propped back down against the counter), talking to a tall blonde. They seem very close. She leaned against him while he raised her left hand to admire the thumb ring she's wearing. Ervin kept placing light kisses on her temple.
Wow, someone's flirtatious at work.
As I turned my back on them, I saw Iris looking down, disappointed.
"Maybe we should call the manager, huh?" I teased.
She chuckled shortly at the joke. "That's-," she pursed her lips together. "That's Trish over there."
"You know her?" I asked in disbelief.
She glanced at the counter quickly before nodding. She sighed, "Yeah. I uh, took Social Studies and Philosophy 102 with her."
I realized my mouth fell open in confusion. "You guys-," I gestured my finger back and forth Iris and them, "friends or-,"
"You can say that." She chuckled. "We weren't that close though."
She's disappointed – I can tell. It's like in a click, her happy mood just disappeared.
"I should've known," she shook her head. "I had always suspected that she liked Ervin too back then."
Wait, seriously? A love triangle? Gross! Suddenly, why is everything running on like every second's lifted from a rom-com? Okay drop the comedy aspect, but still! If I were a screenwriter, I would pack my bags to L.A. and go knocking at Touchstone Pictures while yelling 'Eureka! I found your million-dollar
script!'
We ate lunch silently. Iris was so down in the dumps.
Gold hair with a gentle curl,
that's the girl he chose,
and heaven knows
I'm not that girl...
I could hear her sing those lyrics in her head. She always finds the time to hum Wicked songs that match the present situation.
Geez, she must be really in love with Ervin.