A/N - Thank you all so much for the reviews! Please keep them coming because it's the only thing that inspires me to keep going with this...the feeling that someone else is enjoying it besides me:) I hope you like this second chapter as I think I ended up liking it a lot better than the beginning of the story. I have decided to take it all the way through the pilot and probably end it there, unless there is a huge outcry for more.

Also, please remember, that this is my take on the way things might have happened or what Dan and Serena may have been thinking or doing. I took some liberties and such, so please don't take this as canon and bash me for it!

I am trying to update as frequently as possible, in between a full time job and other commitments. I can't promise daily updates like some people can because I just don't have time. I like to make sure that everything is just right for me and my beta before I post...but I will try to update at least once a week or every other week so don't give up on me!

Thank you SO MUCH again for every review, keep 'em coming and enjoy this chapter!

XOXO


Best Truths Unspoken

Serena found her head resting against a dirty window for the second time that day. The scenery was much different this time, and the ride much less smooth. Her forehead bumped roughly against the glass several times as the driver swerved in and out of busy 3rd Avenue traffic. They passed familiar places like The Gap and Starbucks which were surrounded by tourists as usual and the driver honked at a horse drawn carriage headed for Central Park. Serena wondered when her life had gotten so screwed up in the midst of all of this normalcy. She wondered if perhaps it had been for a long time and that maybe this was just the first time she'd been sober enough or old enough to realize it.

The driver slowed and turned left on to East 72nd Street and Serena lifted her heavy head off the window and looked up at the familiar doorman apartment building looming on the right. She'd spent so much time here, why did it feel like she was getting ready to walk into foreign country, one in which she didn't speak the language? Or worse, one with a firing squad ready and waiting for her to step in front of the wall. Of all the places she had imagined coming home to; this was not the one that ranked first on the list. She hadn't talked to Blair, hadn't seen her, since she'd left 8 months ago and she sure as hell wasn't ready to see her now.

What would she say? How would she explain herself?

Perhaps, if she were lucky she could find Lily and get in and out of the building before the Waldorf's even noticed her presence. If Eleanor was involved in actually planning this party, she knew the guest list would be huge. Maybe she'd be just another face in the crowd?

Nate.

For the first time in weeks she thought about Nate.

His hands on her bare arms, on her thighs, in her tangled hair. He's drunk. She's drunk. But they both know what they're doing.

She'd done such a good job of pushing him out of her thoughts and out of her mind, but there was no doubt he would be at this party, and there was no doubt that she could not deal with that. Not right now, and not on this day.

His lips taste like peppermint and Champaign. She's on his lap, urging him on, pulling him closer, laughing in his ear as she comes up for air. Taking off his shirt...

Maybe luck would really be on her side and he'd be too stoned to realize she was there, it had happened before. But luck was rarely on her side these days. In fact, chances were that she'd walk into this lion's den and be ripped to shreds before she even got out of the elevator.

What had she done?

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been so...uncomfortable; so incredibly nervous. It wasn't a trait she wore well and she reached up to wipe a small trail of sweat from her forehead. Was it really hot in the car or was it just her? She would have given anything for a Stoli vodka tonic at that moment, but she was in the back seat of a town car trying to get to her brother, and that wasn't who she was any more.

The car lurched to a stop and her stomach rolled. She felt sick and shaky and she wasn't sure she could do this; not now.

Remember why you're here.

She chastised herself. There was a reason for this, and it was bigger than her and Blair, bigger than her and Nate, bigger than their 16 years of history.

"112 East 72nd miss," the driver turned to inform her.

Serena smiled weakly and reached for her bag as the driver came around to open her door and a wave of cool fall air rustled her hair.

"Your bags' miss," the driver reminded her as she began to turn towards the entrance to the building.

She rummaged through her handbag for the fifty dollars she knew was close to the top. "Can you stay, just long enough for me to run up and have a word with someone?" she asked sweetly handing him the crisp bill. "It'll only take a minute and I'll be right back down."

"Never a problem for someone as pretty as yourself," his wrinkled mouth curved up in an innocent smile that she automatically returned. She may as well enjoy his kind words, no matter how much they cost her, as they would probably be the last she heard for the next several minutes.

She turned and took a deep breath of exhaust and stale city air, straightening her spine and steeling her resolve, as she turned towards the familiar doorman who escorted her through with a tip of his hat and a quiet "Miss. van der Woodsen."

Dan opened the silver laptop that he shared with Jenny and looked at the bookmarks for a site that he knew he'd seen there before. What was it... gossiper dot net? Girlie gossip dot com? Ah, gossip girl dot net, there it was. He wasn't incredibly familiar with the site beyond the passing mentions he'd overheard from the dick heads at school and the brief glimpses he'd seen when Jenny was on the computer. He wasn't just saying that to sound cool and mysterious; though it would have been awesome if he could have used it to his advantage somehow. He didn't know about it because he didn't have a reason to. He wasn't a guy that the kids at his school would talk about. Dan Humphrey the smart, completely un-rich, writer kid was no fodder for gossip. Hell, the most exciting thing he'd done in the past year was skip school one day and hop a train to Connecticut to meet Vanessa half way for a movie and 5 shitty cups of coffee. In fact, he was pretty sure that the majority of the kids at school didn't even know his name. And he definitely didn't like any of them enough to want to read gossip about their ridiculously pampered lives. But, Serena was back and now all of the rules had changed. He knew that if anyone was talking about why she was back and for how long, he'd find it on that site.

He clicked on the bookmarked link and checked over his shoulder to make sure that no one was spying on his ridiculous research session. Their fat, hairy, and lazy cat Marx flicked his puffy tail back and forth in an aggravated rhythm and looked at Dan accusingly from behind the computer.

"Don't look at me like that fucker. I mean, if you could talk to this girl...if you could see her, you'd be trying to type the web address in with those huge, hairy paws yourself okay? So give me a freaking break." Dan huffed to the half asleep cat, or no one in particular really. It was somehow easier to justify doing something that was borderline creepy, like semi-stalking a girl who didn't know you, if you had someone to insult in the process.


Hey Upper East Siders,
Gossip Girl here, and I have the.biggest.news.ever. One of my many sources, melanie91, sends us this:

Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, Serena van der Woodsen. Wasn't it only a year ago that our IT girl disappeared for "boarding school?" And just as suddenly, she's back! Don't believe me? See for yourselves. Lucky for us, melanie91 sent proof. Thanks for the photo mel:-)

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Word is...S bailed on B's party in under 90 seconds and didn't even have one Lemoncello. Has our bad girl really gone good, or is it all just part of the act? Why'd she leave? Why'd she return? Send me all the deets! And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell...the only one!
XOXO
-Gossip Girl

Dan skimmed through all the bits about names he didn't recognize, which basically consisted of every name on the page, except one. He read the news, or lack there of, three times and scrolled back up to the picture of Serena. He'd talked to her twice in his entire life. Once at a party he wasn't actually, intentionally, invited to and once as she was about to get plowed over by a cab outside of an empty bar on Bleecker Street in the West Village on Thanksgiving of all days. Neither conversation had lasted longer than two minutes, but they were long enough for him to etch the details of her into his mind.

The blue eyes staring out from the other side of the computer monitor were different. They were sadder, older, probably wiser, and far more beautiful than he remembered and he remembered quite well. This wasn't the same girl that he fell in love with (Or was it lust? He wasn't sure exactly, but two years was an awful long time for something as petty as puppy love wasn't it?) when he was a freshman at St. Jude's. This girl had a different air about her, less confident but more capable. Determined and vulnerable and for the first time since the day that he'd noticed her; completely and utterly alone. Everything about this new girl made him fall even more in love with the enigma than he had ever been before.

Marx's tail brushed his nose as the cat pawed around the computer screen and Dan sneezed; shaking himself out of his reverie.

He shook his head and laughed bitterly. "What the fuck are you doing Humphrey?"

He took one last look at the picture of the new Serena before he closed the site and shut the computer. The coffee left in his mug was bitter and cold, but that didn't stop him from sipping it as he tried to think of all of the other things he should be doing besides obsessing over a girl that was so far out of his league that he may as well have been a t-baller attempting to play for the Yankees. In fact, wasn't he in the middle of writing a story right now?

Yes, damn straight he was. He grabbed his black notebook and his favorite pen and headed towards his dimly lit room with a new found purpose.

He was in the middle of a kick ass (and possibly slightly sappy, but he was a romantic at heart and he wasn't ashamed to admit it) story about a beautiful, blond girl that had been displaced and had lost her identity only to stumble upon a quiet and brilliant master of literature in a small French village who was intent on reintroducing her to society and reminding her how to love. He was his own worst critic, but he was pretty sure that this was his best bit of creative writing yet, by far.

She could hear them whispering around her. It wasn't like they were being particularly quiet. Subtlety wasn't their strong suit. When they talked about you, they wanted you to know that they knew your business even if most of the time they knew nothing of the sort.

"I heard she was pregnant," a high pitched female voice whispered. "Was forced to give the baby up for adoption because it was born addicted to heroin."

"The van der Woodsen girl just got out of rehab you know, and not for what you might think either," a lower pitched woman stated. "She was doing double time for alcohol AND cocaine. When they brought her in she didn't even know who she was or what she was doing. She killed a person while driving a car under the influence, that's how bad it was."

Bullshit. This is not worth it. Some things never change.

"That's not what happened at all," a feminine tinged male voice chimed in. "She married her drug counselor who was 25 years older and Lily kicked her out to live with her religious grandparents in Wyoming after forcing her to divorce. Guess she got straightened out. She looks good."

Wow, she was no saint, but she had no idea she was a drug addicted, married and immediately divorced, teenage mother with an alcohol problem. She didn't even know she had grandparents in Wyoming. So many familiar faces belonging to people she obviously didn't know at all. If the situation weren't so sad, and her reason for being home so serious, she might have laughed at this. How interesting and tragic they wanted her life to be. How disappointed they would feel if they took the time to realize who she really was.

She scanned the enormous and crowded room for the familiarly tall and lanky frame of her mother as she attempted to block out the hurtful chatter drumming in her ears and resisted the urge to throw her hands up and cover over them like a 5 year old in the middle of a temper tantrum.

Eleanor had redecorated, again. It seemed she was second only to Serena's own mother in the unstated but eternally existent Upper East Side competition to see who could redecorate more.

There was Captain Archibald talking business with several other well groomed men in Prada and Armani.

She spotted Chuck Bass sitting on a love seat between Kati Farkas and Isabelle Coates swirling ice in his half empty glass of scotch and averted her eyes in the opposite direction.

"Serena van der Woodsen?" A familiar voice chirped behind her. "Is that you?"

Shit.

She plastered on her best smile before turning to great "dressed to the nines in pieces from her latest line" Eleanor Waldorf.

"It is," she grinned stupidly. This is exactly what she had hoped wouldn't happen. She had definitely not brought her social A game today. "Have you seen-"

"Where did Blair wander off to? She will be so thrilled to see you."

Shit, shit, shit.

And no she wouldn't.

"-my mom?" Serena finished even though Eleanor was already flitting down the hall towards Blair's rooming calling out to her daughter as she went.

She turned and walked as quickly as she could into the parlor. The smell of the three tables of food was making her even more nauseated than she felt a few minutes before and she choked back the urge to cover her mouth and run for the bathroom.

"...it clashes with my sofa." She overheard her mother laugh in a fake trill. Dressed in a sleek black gown with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, Lily van der Woodsen looked as beautiful as ever, and for a moment Serena forgot why she was upset with her mother to begin with. All she wanted was to run into her mom's arms and go home.

"Mom," She interrupted. "Mom, hey."

Lily turned and looked almost surprised to see her. "Ah, Serena darling!" Her mother exclaimed drawing her into a poised hug.

This wasn't exactly the kind of embrace Serena had longed for in that moment of nostalgia, but then perhaps she should have expected as much. That moment was gone like a leaf on the wind before it even settled to the ground.

"It's good to see you," she said sadly, and it was.

"So, um...where is he?"

She had expected to see her brother at the party, or to hear he was hanging out at their suite in The Palace. She figured that was why her mom had wanted to see her, so she could be informed of where he was and how he was doing. The reality of the situation, and of her mother's hand in it, didn't seem to want to sink in.

Lily's mortified and slightly confused look was all it took to push reality into the quicksand. No one knew about this, and she wanted to keep it that way.

Serena glanced around, "They haven't let him out yet?"

"No, lets not discuss that right now okay?" Lily half whispered as she squeezed her hands tightly. A warning. Was she serious? "I thought you might want to see some of your friends."

Fucking shit.

She smiled ironically. "Thanks."

And just like that, there was Nate. Exactly the same as he'd looked 8 months ago. The lopsided grin of his boyish smile, long legs and broad shoulders, shaggy light brown hair, handsome as ever Nate. And he actually looked happy to see her. Oh, what she wouldn't have given to have someone to support her. The only thing she could do to keep herself from running into his familiar embrace was drop her head and pray that he would disappear.

His hair smells like sandalwood and smoke, the third bottle of Champaign is making her head swim and her legs feel tingly. All she wants to do is to devour him, to see what she's been missing. All she wants is to pull him just a little closer. She unzips his pants...

Serena looked up again as a brown door opened, a heaven sent interruption, blocking his smiling face and her awkward avoidance of irreversible mistakes.

Saved by the Blair.

Dammit to hell.

She looked down wondering how this quick stop had turned into such an ordeal and cursed her mother for forcing her through it when she wasn't ready. All she wanted to do was find out how Eric was. She immediately recognized Blair's fake smile. She had known her too well and for too long to not pick up the little nuances of her friend's face.

Blair looked thinner than she remembered, but as beautiful as ever, dressed in black from head to toe as if she were on her way to the fanciest funeral the city had ever seen.

Before Serena could even explain herself, Blair drew her into an almost too tight hug. "Hi, Serena, it's so good to see you!"

"How are you?" She half mumbled into her friend's dark hair. "It's good to see you."

Blair grabbed her hand forcefully and dragged her towards the hall. "Come, we're about to have dinner."

"Um..." She tried to break in. This was all happening so fast, like a whirlwind. Perhaps she'd been out of the city for too long. She couldn't keep her head above water long enough to get out of the shark infested ocean.

"I'll set you a place at the table next to Blair," Eleanor exclaimed as Blair continued to pull her down the hall.

Serena finally broke free of Blair's iron grasp and spun around with resolve. She had to get out of this apartment, she was suffocating. "Yeah, actually, um...there's somewhere I have to go." She stuttered.

"You're leaving?" Blair asked icily, that stupid fake smile still plastered on her lips.

She was grasping at straws now, looking for an escape, any escape.

"Yeah, I uh, I don't feel well," and she most certainly didn't. "I just wanted to come by and uh, say hi. I'll see you at school tomorrow?" She stumbled without a breath.

For someone as talented at being the center of attention as she was, she sure was acting like an idiot. However, it seemed that the faster she could spit the words out the less likely anyone could stop her or question her. The sooner she could get out and actually breathe.

And just like that, Serena turned her back on her oldest friend again as she continued to stand there smiling that fake Blair Waldorf smile that said "I'm tolerating you because we're in public, but when we're alone I will rip you to shreds."

School tomorrow.

She would cross that bridge when she came to it if she wasn't pushed off before.

Dan sighed and shut the book he was half reading, setting it on the cluttered bedside table to his left. He'd attempted to start Hail and Farewell by George Moore for the third time that night but he'd had trouble remembering anything past the first sentence so he finally gave up.

A siren blared outside of his open window and he got up and slammed it shut before flopping lazily back onto his bed and throwing his hands behind his head with restless frustration.

"Whas wrong wiff you?" Jenny slurred through the toothbrush in her mouth as she swung her head around the wall beside the open garage door that connected their rooms. "Ftill thinkin' 'bout Ferena van der 'oodsen?"

He half smiled and rubbed at his face. "Not that it's any of your business, but no, I'm not."

Of course he was.

"You're right. It's none of my business." She conceded taking the toothbrush out of her mouth and sitting on the chair beside his desk. "But if it were my business...which it isn't, I might tell you that maybe you should try to talk to her now that she's back. You know, if one were to overlook all of your many faults, you're actually not a half bad guy. Maybe she'd even think you were kind of cute and charming in a geeky sort of way, though I can't imagine why."

Dan covered his head with a pillow. "Has anyone ever told you that you are not only completely nosy, but also completely unhelpful?"

His sister smiled at him before shoving the toothbrush back in her mouth. "Look at it thif way; what haff you got to loof? It'f not like you'ff got any friendf anyway."

He pulled the pillow from his eyes and glared at her.

"I'm going, I'm going." She said as she backed out. "Juft, I don't know, fink about it."

"Shut the door on your way out, Doctor Phil." he griped, yanking the pillow down and welcoming the darkness it brought with it.

He heard the door being pulled down and it hit the ground with a bang, a familiar sound, a sure sign that he now had his privacy to sulk in peace.

Maybe Jenny was right. He really didn't have anything to lose.

"Nothing except my last shred of dignity and the dream girl." he mumbled into the pillow.

Weighing the options, maybe that didn't sound so bad.

Better to have loved and have lost...

He pictured how it might happen; how he might sweep in and be the white knight to Serena's royal beauty.


It would be a fancy party, one that he obviously wasn't invited to. He would find out about it from his sister because, even though she was never invited either, she always seemed to know the when and where. He would take his savings, what little he had left from working his summer job as the bus boy at the coffee shop on the corner and buy a crisp designer suit; with pin stripes. He would definitely go with the pin stripes. He would get to the party and they would deny him entrance due to his lack of invitation and his total Upper East Side anonymity, but with some smooth talking and a little fancy footwork he would sneak in the door and waltz in like he owned the place. He would see her by the band, probably requesting her favorite indie song so she could drown out the noise and get lost in the music. He knew, at heart, she was a romantic just like him.

She would be beautiful, with her shiny, blond hair waving softly down her back and a figure hugging black dress that brought out what remained of her summer tan and her blue eyes. She would be wearing a smile for her snotty friends, but her eyes would be sad, waiting...waiting for something. Waiting for him? He would walk over to the bar as the crowd parted and made way for him in his sharp pin striped suit and he would take three red roses from a fancy vase (that they would pronounce VOZ) without a word to anyone. He would hear them talking behind his back.

"Who is he?" "I don't know, I've never laid eyes on him before unfortunately." "Yeah, I would remember a guy like him if I'd seen him."

He was a man on a mission, a man of mystery. He would glide over to Serena who had her eyes shut as she swayed to the slow song, oblivious to the world until he grabbed her arm and spun her around to look her in the eyes. He would hand her the roses and she would lightly touch his face and say "I've been waiting for you."

"I've been dreaming of you," He would tell her, inches from her mouth as he bent her down and kissed her so passionately she would lose her breath.

And the rest would obviously be history.

Or a very bad Lifetime movie.

The center was sterile; similar to a hospital but much less active. Perhaps that was because it was 9 o'clock at night before Serena actually made it to the Ostroff Center, but she was there and right now that was all that mattered. Visiting hours ended at eight, but she was family, and she was used to getting what she wanted. She'd made it this far and no one was going to stop her from getting into his room at this point.

She rounded the last corner on the left. Room 421, that's what she'd been looking for.

"Young lady, you can't be here," The night nurse stated kindly from behind her desk as Serena rushed past. "Visiting hours are over."

"I'm family," she responded sadly, assuming this was excuse enough for her to break the rules and the nurse didn't dispute that.

Finally, she thought she'd never make it, there he was. He looked so small lying in the tiny bed in the center of the large room. Her little brother had always seemed so big to her, so much older and definitely wiser than she'd ever been. Her protector and comforter, her cornerstone and moral compass, and her one source of stability in their ever changing world. And there he was lying helpless, swallowed by a huge impersonal room, alone. This was her fault, how could it not be when she had a brilliant way of screwing up almost everything she touched? She'd left when he needed her the most because she'd done something selfish and stupid and once again he was paying for the mistakes that she and Lily made.

Not any more, and never again.

"He's my brother."

But this wasn't her brother. This wasn't her brother at all.