Disclaimer: I still don't own jack-poodely squat besides my soul, and the souls of those who read my stories. DADADAAAA!
Resident Retarted 4 Chappie number Dos : I can still see you
(Leon and Rick get attacked by a big ass giant lake bastard)
Rick: AGHHH! A big ass giant lake bastard!
(they start lobbing spears at it, it doesn't work)
Leon: Damn! I keep missing. Me and my crappy aim.
(They ride over to the merchant's water hideout and knock on the gate)
Gate: Knock knock.
Merchant: Who's there?
Rick: Say hello to my little friend.
Merchant: Say hello to my little friend who?
(the merchant opens the gate)
Rick: Say hello to my little friend big ass lake bastard!
(the big ass lake bastard chases the merchant)
Leon: That was easy.
(they get ashore and both feel a pain in their chests)
Leon: Ughh!
Rick: Agh! Oh my god! I'm having a heart attack! Aghhh!
Leon: Ugh!
(they both pass out)
3 Seconds later
(Leon and Rick wake up)
Rick: Why is it night time?
Leon: Who says "Night time" anymore?
Rick: Apparently you do.
Leon: Ugh!
Rick: What now man? (Leon holds his chest, his veins start turning black)
Leon: Ugh!
Rick: Ew. That doesn't look too good, you should see a doctor.
Leon: Ugh!
(the camera hits Leon in the eyeball, knocking him out)
6 Seconds later
(Leon half way wakes up)
Leon: Mmmm…just like that. Yeah Ada, like that. Oh the president's daughter, aw the president's daughter! Oh Stifler's Mom!
(He wakes up fully and looks at Rick licking his face)
Leon:….
Rick:….
Leon:…
God:….
Leon: EW! Yuck! Gross! Why'd you do that? (spits on the floor)
Rick: You've been out for like 6 seconds, I thought that if I did something gay you'd wake up.
Leon: Some gay--
(Leon's communicator thingy goes off and scares the crap out of him)
Leon: AGGHH! Who are you? (he sees Hunnigan) Why hello dear. How do you do today?
Hunnigan: I HATE MEN!
(hangs up)
Leon:…
Rick: (WTF face) WTF?
Leon: I dunno.
Rick: Nature will get you for messing with that poor woman.
Leon: Bump nature.
Rick: I warned you.
Leon: Oh shit.
Rick: What now?
Leon: Nature's calling.
Nature: Leon. Come to me. Come towards the light.
Leon: Nooo!
Rick: Who was that?
Leon: Ugh! I gotta take a shit.
(Leon shits and then whips a whole ton of ass, they stop at what is clearly a battle arena)
Rick: I hope this isn't a battle arena.
(the gates close)
Rick: Damn! The gates closed.
Leon: No shit Sherlock.
(some dudes drag out some ogre from the Lord of the Rings movies)
Rick: You are one ugly motherfucker.
(The ogre dude, starts slapping around the Spaniards, all the wooshing wind effects blow Leon and Rick into the next area)
Leon: Well that was unexpected.
(they walk up to a church and see some evil looking dogs)
Rick: Leon, stop. Those dogs look really evil.
Leon: (whispers) We gotta sneak past em', be very quiet.
(they start pulling off stealthy ninja moves and sneaking past the dogs until…)
Communicator thingy: BLEEEPP BLARGHHH FFOOOOWWWWHAAAAHH!
Hunnigan: AGGGHHHH! I HATE MEN! AGGGHHH! I'M A LESBIAN—YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT! AGGGHHHHH!
(hangs up)
Leon: Dammit!
( they start running in tiny circles while the dogs chase after their own tails, some random car falls from the sky and starts playing "Can't touch this" by MC Hammer)
Leon: AGGGHHH!
Rick: Aggghhhh!
(they get in the church somehow and see a ladder)
Rick: Hey a ladder.
Leon: Duh.
(they climb up the ladder)
Rick: Okay, we've climbed up the ladder, what now?
Leon: Shut up!
(they spot a little puzzle thingy in which you clearly have to pull levers and stuff)
Leon: Shit.
Rick: What?
Leon: A light puzzle, I'm color blind. Shit.
Rick: Shit.
Leon: Shit.
Rick: Shit.
Leon: Shit.
Rick: Shit.
Leon: Shit.
Rick: Shit.
10 minutes later
Rick: Now what? I guess we have to pull levers and stuff on this puzzle thingy.
Leon: Why do you have to state the obvious?
Rick: I don't always state the obvious!
Leon: Yes you do you obvious stater!
Rick: Zombie fanatic!
Leon: I am not a zombie fanatic!
( they starts pulling random levers until it works right)
Rick: Hey, its working right.
Leon: Shut-up!
(they walk into a little room and Leon spots a piece of wood flying at his face)
Leon: Whoa!
Rick: What? (smack!) Ow. (falls over)
Ashley: No, don't come.
Leon: Fine, I won't (he stops jacking off), my name's Leon. I've been sent by the president to rescue you and your sister.
Ashley: What, my father?
Leon: Duh. Who'd you think the president of Namco?
Ashley: Listen mister—
Jasmine: Ashley, now's not the time for you to be whining. Who's this guy on the floor screaming obscenities about us and our ancestors?
Rick: Goddamn pancake flipping whore—eh? (he sees some bombshell chick in a red one piece miniskirt and black high heels.)
Rick: Why hello. What's your name.
Jasmine: Jasmine. What's your name?
Rick: Rick. You know, if you were a booger, I'd pick you.
Jasmine: I'm flattered, how cute. I like you.
Rick: I like you too. You're hot.
Leon: We gotta go.
Rick: Cock blocker.
Leon: Shut up!
(they go out and Leon and Rick hop down the ladder, Rick stares up Jasmine's skirt when she climbs down)
Jasmine: Rick?
Rick: Huh?
Jasmine: Were you just looking up my skirt?
Rick: Umm, well not exactly. See what had happened was—I was trying to make sure you didn't have any concealed weapons.
Jasmine: Concealed weapons eh? Wanna check twice?
Rick: Indeed I do.
Ashley: Get your hands off me!
(Ashley slaps Leon hard!)
Leon: I was just grabbing your arm so we could get moving!
Ashley: I don't care! Who said you could touch me?
Leon: What the--! I'm supposed to protect you remember?
Saddler: I'll take the girl.
Rick: Which one?
Saddler: The president's daughter.
Rick:…which one?
Leon: Who are you?
Saddler: I am Osmund Saddler, the—
Rick and Jasmine: (laughing loud) Osmund!
Leon: Alright Almond Bunch, what do you want.
Rick: He wants the girl Leon, the girl. Sometimes I wonder.
Leon: Sounds more like an alien invasion to me!
Rick: Invasion? Call the border patrol!
Ashley: (runs around in tiny circles) They're among us!
Leon: Faith and money will get you nowhere Saddler.
Saddler:….
Leon: Shut up.
Saddler: I didn't say anything.
Leon: Well I really don't give a damn…rain or shine you're going down.
Saddler: Pardon me kind sir, but you don't—
Leon: You should find this lockpick useful, you the master of unlocking.
Saddler: What are you talking about? Puny human—
Leon: You complete me.
Saddler: You are really starting to freak me out.
Leon: You had me at hello!
All but Leon: Wha--?
Leon: Your right hand comes off?
Saddler: Enough! Die Mr. Bond!
(Dudes come out of their extremely well hidden, hiding spots)
Leon: (tear in eyes)…For Frodo. (jumps through a window) Agghhh!
( Rick and the girls jump through too)
Ashley: Ow! I broke a nail!
Jasmine: Stop being so prissy!
Saddler: I can still see you.
Rick: Shit! Run!
I hope you liked this chapter. Peace!