A/N: This chapter got BIG! (chuckles) This'll probably be the longest chapter of this whole story. I just couldn't find I spot from where I would've been willing to cut this, so… Ta-da, here's the whole monster!

FIRST, though… THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your reviews and listings! They make me happier than you'll ever know. (HUGS)

Awkay? Are you ready? Are you sure…? Let's go, anyway! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

ONE MORE QUICK NOTE: This whole story will have some quotes from and nods to the show and books. Because I wanted to give this a touch of canon. Happy early Easter Egg hunt! (grins)

How Reality Comes Out…

/ Alec hated shopping. The whole experience wasn't made any more pleasant by the fact that he was accompanied by Izzy, who loved shopping so much that it was terrifying, and their little brother Max, who was as unhappy as he was and loud about it. "Why do I have to be here if Max needs a new shirt and shoes?" he grumbled while mentioned child walked ahead his siblings, sulking.

"Because all you've done the past two months is study. Locked up into that tiny, stuffy room of yours", Izzy announced with her usual blunt honesty. "You need some time out before that grumpy expression of yours becomes permanent."

"I'm busy", Alec protested. It wasn't like he'd been actively avoiding going out. Or… other things, or certain people. ('Keep telling yourself that', a voice in the back of his head snarked back.) If he wanted to ever actually graduate there was a mountain of work to do. Still, the time his sister announced surprised him. Had it really been two months from his birthday? "Right now I should be studying for a…" He abruptly forgot what he'd been about to say.

Because he saw Magnus walking towards them. The older man paused upon spotting him, and when their eyes locked Alec lost his breath. The tingling he recalled experiencing when they first met returned, even more intense, when Magnus smiled.

If he'd been able to tear his eyes away from the dancer for long enough to look, he would've seen Izzy smirk. "C'mon, Maxie. Let's go and get some ice cream. Alec will catch up with us in a minute."

Alec wanted to run away. Or hide. Anything to get out of the situation. But he stood paralyzed to the spot, until Magnus was only a step or so away. "Well… This is certainly a pleasant surprise." Seeing his embarrassingly open confusion and panic, the dancer went on. "I was under the impression that your sister needed my help with something."

Alec couldn't help it. He smiled, for the first time in two months, and unleashed a brief, uncomfortably high-pitched breathless chuckle. "She always sticks her nose into things that are none of her business."

Their eyes were still locked and despite his best attempts Alec couldn't look away. It was like he'd been enchanted. He'd… never been exactly suave with people. But standing there, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly in a manner that made him look like a fish on dry land… It had to be his worst attempt at social interaction. (Or was it worse than running away like he did the previous time? Magnus seemed to bring out the worst in him.)

Magnus, to his immense irritation, seemed to find his current state endearing. "You look like you could use a drink again. Allow me to buy you one."

Alec's mind reeled. "It's, ah… only noon…" He trailed off while his brain shut down.

Magnus shrugged. "Well. It's always happy hour somewhere."

Alec shook his head. Against the tingling everywhere inside him, against the way his heart was pounding, against the… pull he felt with all of him, against the invitation. "No." Well, at least he succeeded in saying that clearly. "I should… I've gotta…" But that very day his body was a traitorous thing.

Even though he fought back, his eyes fell on Magnus's lips and he licked his own. Without noticing it he began to lean closer, closer… Unfortunately someone else did notice.

There was a shove, light but hostile. Followed by a hiss that sounded like spitting. "… faggots …"

Alec recoiled like he'd been burned, taking a clear step away from Magnus. Shame made his cheeks color. Nausea swirled in the pit of his stomach and there was an uncomfortable searing sensation in his eyes.

He wasn't…! He wasn't…! He wasn't…!

"Alec." Magnus's eyes were more serious than he'd ever seen them but affectionate, understanding. "There's nothing to be ashamed of."

Alec clenched his jaw. Some of the suffocating humiliation transformed far too easily to anger the older man didn't deserve. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You will." Magnus sounded entirely too sure of the matter. "And when you do, remember this." The man went on when he had his full, reluctant attention. "There are far too many people in this world who judge you and look down on you because of what you are. Because of something you have no control over. Don't be one of them." With that the dancer turned around gracefully and began to walk away. "Give Isabelle my best, will you? Tell her that I appreciate the gesture." With those words Magnus disappeared to the crowd.

After the encounter Alec felt like he was about to explode, in a way he'd never experienced before. He barely talked when he found Izzy and Max, or during the shopping. Izzy gave him several frowns, obviously wondering what went wrong. Max frowned as well but didn't ask, clearly concluding that it was a grownup thing and making the smart decision to stay out of it.

Alec finally lost control over his tongue when they'd dropped off Max to their parents' home and were approaching Izzy's apartment building. "Magnus asked me to tell you that he appreciates the gesture." He gritted his teeth. "I had no idea that you know him."

"I met him almost a year ago. We have a mutual friend." Which translated to meaning one of Izzy's… conquests. "I go dancing with him sometimes. And with his taste in fashion he's great help when I go clothes shopping."

A horrible, bitter taste rose to Alec's mouth. So Izzy was behind it all. She gave their parents the idea to go to the theater on his birthday. Then the club, and now this. He wanted to feel angry and betrayed, and she was the perfect target.

Izzy finally seemed to pick up on his mood. She sighed. "Alec, Magnus had no idea that I…"

"I don't care!" Alec didn't mean to be quite that loud, nor did he care much. How could his own sister…? "Izzy, you have no right to meddle with my life! You had no right to try and set me up with a…!" The choked on his words.

"… man?" Izzy filled in. There was an irritating amount of sympathy in her eyes. "I know how hard it is for you, to accept that side of you. But I could see from a mile away how much you wanted to meet him. And as your sister it's my duty to try and help you become happy. Especially when you have no idea what's good for you."

"I'm not gay!" Alec shouted at her face, and startled himself with finally saying it out loud.

"Yes, you are." Izzy tried to take his hand but he pulled it away sharply. She seemed sad. "Alec, it's okay…"

Alec shook his head heatedly. "Stop telling me what I am and need! You have no idea how I feel!" he roared, oblivious to the looks from people passing by. "Just… Just back off!" With that command he began to make his way towards home, his heart still raging and his blood boiling.

"Alec…!" Izzy called out but he didn't look back.

Alec ignored all calls and messages from Izzy for the next three days. On evening three he asked out Lydia, a lovely girl from his study group he sometimes talked to. He was awkward and sputtered the question out of the blue, sounded far too much like he was making a business deal. He could hardly believe it when she said yes but he was glad she did. (Or so he told himself.) Because he was convinced that a so-called date would fix whatever the hell was wrong with him.

It didn't.

The date… wasn't horrible. Because it was entirely too much 'nothing' to be a disaster. They talked some, even managed to exchange a couple of jokes. But there was no rapidly beating heart, tingling sensation or breathlessness. There wasn't even the faintest bit of excitement. On their way back to their dorm building they passed by Magnus's club. And for the first time the whole evening Alec felt something other than frustration. The club's beat made his pulse escalate without a fail.

Once they made it to Lydia's door he made a move to kiss her. Because… wasn't that what he was supposed to do after a date? Even if there were no romantic feelings. Lydia, however, stopped him with a gentle hand placed against his chest. "I'm not going to kiss someone who doesn't want it. And someone who's clearly been pining after someone else the whole evening." She shrugged with a smile he didn't think he deserved. "It's okay." (Why did everyone keep telling him that these days?) "Next time we go out, it'll be just as friends. Agreed?"

"Agreed", Alec muttered, and felt relieved for some odd reason.

Lydia nodded and seemed to contemplate giving him a hug but decided against it. "Goodnight, Alec. And… Remember that I'm here if you need to talk. Because you look like you need to get something off your chest." With that she retreated to her apartment.

Alec didn't go home immediately. He headed to the tiny gym at the building's basement floor and nearly destroyed a punching bag. Apparently he had more pent-up energy than he'd imagined because he didn't sleep that night.

'… nothing to be ashamed of …'

'… it's okay …'

'… need to get something off your chest …'

Alec was so done with feeling angry and frustrated. He was done with feeling like there was something wrong with him. And most of all he was done with being at a constant war with himself.

Five days later Alec called his therapist for the first time in almost a year. A few more days later he sat in her waiting room. Izzy was right beside him, holding his hand. /

They were given an overwhelming amount of official documents and pamphlets. Information… Appointments… Lists of therapists and support groups… Magnus was utterly paralyzed so Alec grabbed the pile, feeling unsteady, sick to his stomach and dizzy.

The doctor – whose name Alec couldn't remember even five minutes, let alone years later – didn't seem to know which one of them to talk to. "I understand that this is a lot to take in." ('No, you don't!' Alec wanted to snarl but couldn't, his hand clutching at Magnus's desperately.) "Do you have any questions?"

Alec didn't, because he couldn't think from the shock. Magnus had only one thing to ask, which was murmured barely audibly. "When can I go home?"

The doctor blinked with surprise before composing himself. "Another doctor will come and see you soon. Perhaps after that." He sighed, and Alec felt a ridiculous, unhelpful urge to punch that pity off his face. (He was almost glad that Magnus was staring at the floor and didn't see it being directed at him.) "Try to get some rest. And let the nurses know if you need anything."

Magnus nodded dazedly. The doctor stayed for an annoyingly long moment, as though expecting something more, then walked away. Leaving them adrift in the middle of the pitch-black ocean the bomb that was just dropped pushed them into.

Alec wasn't entirely sure which one them was trembling. Perhaps both of them. Needing clearer physical contact as much as he knew Magnus did, he got up from the chair and settled himself to the bed instead. It was far too narrow for two adults but they didn't mind. Eventually Magnus was practically sitting on Alec's lap and fit there like that spot was created for him. Unable to imagine doing anything else, Alec wrapped and arm around his boyfriend and pulled him closer still. He didn't want to ever let go.

"I need a drink", Magnus announced, quietly and hoarsely.

Alec would've tried to force a chuckle but feared that it'd come out as a sob. He gulped past the lump in his throat. "Me too." He closed his eyes when the stinging in them got too much, then buried his face in his boyfriend's hair to inhale the familiar scent. And tried to, no matter how little he wanted to, imagine a world without the man in his arms. (Who helped him accept himself and made him happy for the first time in his life.) "You'll be okay." He needed to say it. He needed Magnus to hear it. He needed it to be true.

Magnus leaned a little more against him. Alec didn't know to take the gesture for what it was until the older man wrapped an arm around him and started to rub soothing circles on his back. (Was Magnus trying to comfort him?) "I know."

They stayed like that for a long time. At some point a nurse appeared with food. Magnus made no move to even taste it. After some beckoning from his boyfriend Alec tried to eat it instead. ('Alexander, you've been stuck here with me for almost a day. One of us has to eat.') He managed to force down a few mouthfuls but stopped when it all tasted foul.

Soon after another nurse stopped by with pain medication. Alec didn't know what it was but it seemed to make Magnus drowsy rather than help with the headache. His boyfriend was about to fall asleep while Alec skimmed through the documents they were given when a new doctor walked in.

The arrival didn't try to smile, clearly figuring out that they weren't in the mood for that. But he also didn't seem pitying while greeting Magnus with a nod. (Alec came to the conclusion that he might learn to tolerate this one.) "I'm Dr. Cooper, or Charlie. I'm sorry it took me this long to get here, but I had to go through all your test results to try and figure out a game plan for us."

Alec perked up slightly at that. Finally it was time to do something, or to at least discuss what would be done. This was the part he might be able to handle. "I read something about Magnus needing surgery." He absolutely detested the man he loved being cut open so someone could poke at his brain. (Even the thought made his protective instincts scream.) But if that was what it would take to save Magnus's life he'd accept it happily.

Dr. Cooper nodded. "Yeah, it's been scheduled for early on next week. I get that it's happening too fast, but the sooner we get it over with the better." The doctor gave them a moment before continuing. "During the operation we'll take a biopsy of the tumor to get a better idea of what we're dealing with. Of course we'll also try to remove the whole thing. In some cases that's the only treatment needed…"

Alec's brief moment of eerie calm and clinical detachment ended as quickly as it began. Sheer panic sped through his veins and his heart was pounding. "'Try'?" he snapped harshly. 'Trying' wasn't enough when this was Magnus's life they were talking about!

Magnus gave his hand a squeeze. "Alec", the man admonished him softly and gulped. Fear was loud and clear in his dark eyes, and it did nothing to soothe Alec's fried nerves. (He didn't remember the last time he would've seen his boyfriend look scared.) "I'm… sorry. This is all just… a bit too much."

Dr. Cooper nodded again, clearly unoffended. "I'll make sure that you have all necessary information about the operation printed. Because I've got a feeling that you won't remember half of what I'm telling you right now when you get home." He gave them a card that had a surgical ward's number. "If you have any questions, at all, give them a call."

Alec was only able to nod, Magnus couldn't manage even that much.

When it became apparent that his audience was a mute one Dr. Cooper continued. Even more paper was offered to them. Alec frowned at the list of medicine. He only recognized one name. "What are all these for?"

"I consulted an oncologist before coming her. She also gave the test results and scans a look. She recommended these." The doctor focused on Magnus, who'd gone alarmingly pale at the sight of the list. "I've understood that headaches and nausea have been an issue lately. That's because of the swelling the tumor causes. These are to treat the swelling, nausea and pain. That doctor of yours from earlier also said that you had a seizure yesterday. If more of those happen we'll have to think about medication for that problem as well."

Magnus snorted. After getting a couple of confused looks he explained reluctantly. "Just… I've… had hard time keeping down even food for a few days. I can imagine what fun a fistful of pills will be." He gave Alec's hand an apologetic squeeze when the younger man flinched at those words.

Dr. Cooper smiled sympathetically. "Try to find something your stomach agrees on." The doctor glanced towards the uneaten food nearby and winced. "Something way better than the stuff here." After receiving one ghost of a smile and one half-grimace the man seemed to conclude that they'd had their fill of information. "I'll sign a couple of papers. And I'll have the nurses give you a nutritional therapist's number in case you end up needing it. Then you're good to go home. I'll see you in a few days."

Magnus's attempt at a grin fell flat. As did the joke. "I can hardly wait."

Then it was just the two of them. Panicked and overwhelmed, with no idea what to do next. Desperate for someone to tell him what to do, Alec held on to Magnus tightly. Like keeping him close would've made the mass in his brain disappear. "What do you need?"

Magnus swallowed. "I just… I want to go home." It was said with such despair, every syllable full of unshed tears, that no decent human being would've been able to even imagine saying 'no'.

So home they went, with a mountain of information sheets, a sickening amount of pill bottles and the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Neither felt like talking much. What good would all words have done? By the time they made it home Magnus was still achy and utterly exhausted. And nauseous, to a point where even water refused to stay down.

Alec guided his boyfriend from the toilet to their bed and they curled up there, side by side. Unable to stand even the thought of being further apart than that. Alec wondered with dread how he'd stay sane through the long nights Magnus would have to stay at a hospital after the surgery. His mind was even cruel enough to shove him into facing the possibility that he'd have to sleep alone for the rest of his life.

Needing something to do while Magnus dozed fitfully, Alec finally remembered his phone and switched it on. He was assaulted by a flood of unanswered calls and messages. The newest contact was from Jace.

'Alec, what the hell is going on? Clary came home in tears and won't tell me what's wrong. And now she keeps checking her phone every five seconds. Did something happen at the dress fitting?'

And suddenly it occurred to Alec that this horror story touched more people than just the two of them. A selfish part of him wished that Clary wasn't such a loyal friend and had spilled the beans to Jace. So he and Magnus wouldn't have to.

Shit, they'd have to start telling people…!

He swore in a quiet hiss. It was enough to make Magnus wake up with a frown of confusion and bleary eyes. "'s wrong?"

Alec showed him the message. Then waited for a few seconds to let the words sink in. "What do you want to do?"

Magnus gave him a wry smile. "Ideally? I'd bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But…" The dancer grimaced. "In a few days I'll go through surgery and have at least a part of my hair shaved. People are going to start noticing."

Without any conscious decision Alec combed his hair through mentioned hair. Determined to enjoy being able to do so, for now. "I know", he admitted reluctantly.

Magnus gave him a short but sweet kiss. (Alec figured that he'd have to get used to the taste of breath mint.) Then buried his head to the crook of his neck and just held on, both of them needing it. "I…" The older man gulped loudly. "I don't think I could handle telling everyone separately. And… I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible. We could invite them all over tomorrow."

Alec nodded slowly. He had a million things to say. But for some reason none of them came out.

Silence lingered until Magnus inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. "We're gonna need tequila", the dancer decided. Sensing Alec's confusion, he went on. "We're going to tell Raphael. There has to be tequila standing by."

To their relief, and horror, everyone replied that they could be there, probably alarmed by the invitations' serious tone.

'Everyone' turned out to be quite many people. Clary, one of the two visitors with some idea of how badly things might be wrong, looked ready to throw up. Jace and Luke, who was Magnus's good friend and who'd been Clary's stepdad since she was little, seemed confused and alarmed by her distress. Catarina was very, very tense, her years as a nurse and what little she knew putting her on high alert. Ragnor seemed mostly grumpy, just like Raphael, and Alec had a vague suspicion that they'd been drinking together the night before. Again. (It was almost comforting in its familiarity.) Simon seemed scared and wasted no time before sputtering why. "This is bad news, right?" The whole gang had been waiting for them to announce their engagement for years. But this very obviously wasn't that happy announcement. "You guys look like you've got bad news."

Oh, you have no idea…!, Alec mused bitterly.

Maia, Simon's girlfriend of five months and Magnus's most trusted bartender, frowned. Her eyes scanned Magnus and clearly spotted something she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Is this why you asked me to cover for you last night?" There was a touch of worry in her tone. He was her boss, but he was also something of a friend and mentor.

Magnus shivered and shifted from discomfort. Then did his best to compose himself. "Let's… just wait until everyone's here. Anyone in the mood for a martini?"

Alec didn't quite know what to feel when Dorothea, or Dot as everyone called her, walked through their door as well. She was Magnus's dear friend and dancing partner. She was also Magnus's ex. And despite the years they'd been together, despite knowing how irrational it was, Alec wasn't comfortable with seeing her around his boyfriend.

Alec's jealousy – towards Magnus's exes, towards the dancer's past he was still so infuriatingly secretive about – almost cost him their relationship and his own happiness, once. But today… Today he had more reason than ever before to prove to himself just how much Magnus had helped him grow up as a person. When he saw the warm, genuine hug of care Dot gave Magnus… When he saw how it helped a tiny fraction of his boyfriend's tension disappear… He figured that tolerating her presence for a little while was well worth it.

Izzy was late, as usual. By the time she appeared the apartment's tension could've been cut by a knife. "Sorry I'm late. There was a paperwork mess." She then took in the somber faces around her. "What's… wrong? You guys look like someone died." She meant it as a joke, of course. But with her perfectly innocent words all hell broke loose.

Clary burst into tears. Which brought everyone to varying levels of panic. Magnus tensed up visibly. "So, ah… I had to stop by at a hospital." Magnus raised a hand and was somehow able to stop the thunderstorm of alarmed exclamations and questions. "And…" His eyes met Alec's, briefly, while they both sought the strength they needed to push through this. "… I got some pretty bad news."

Said news were received about as well as they'd feared. There was an explosion of noise. Crying. Questions. A lot of swearing.

Magnus looked like he'd just been hit by a truck, several times over. And like at the hospital Alec wanted desperately to just grab him and drag him away from it all. Wanted to stop this, all of this.

But this was their new reality. The shock nearly dropped Ragnor from his seat, while Catarina brought a hand to her lips to hold back whatever it was that nearly bubbled out. Clary and Dot were crying, Izzy's eyes shimmered suspiciously. Raphael muttered something under his breath, visibly shaken in a way Alec had never seen before. Jace stared at him with complete, utter horror. Luke, usually cool and composed, swore loudly. Maia gasped. Simon's wide, horrified eyes went from him to Magnus as though watching a tennis match, the gaze pleading someone to tell him that this wasn't really happening. (Oh, how Alec shared the sentiment…!) The reactions of their friends made the bubble of numbness and denial Alec had been clinging to burst violently. Hammered home that this indeed was happening, and there wasn't a damned thing he could do to stop it.

Magnus, as was often his custom, took it upon himself to try and comfort everyone. He offered soothing words and reassurances. Even managed a couple of jokes.

Watching it was too much for Alec. The others were too distracted to notice when he withdrew to the balcony. Once he made it there he closed his eyes and let the tears he'd been fighting all day fall. Then stuffed a fist into his mouth to mute a scream of sheer anguish.

Alec had no idea how long passed before he ran out of strength and voice. He slid to the floor, face buried to his hands, and fought with all he had to breathe. That was how Magnus found him. A wave of guilt flowed through him when he realized that he must've spent far longer out there than he planned. He made Magnus go through the rest of the ordeal alone. His lips opened but the apology was cut short by him being claimed to a hungry, anxious kiss. And Alec's body reacted instinctively to Magnus's unvoiced plea.

They made love right there. Neither was in a particularly… amorous mood but they needed it, with every fiber of their beings. It was slow, delicate and intimate.

When they were done Magnus looked up at him. (Alec didn't think his boyfriend had ever seemed more beautiful than he did there, moonlight casting an ethereal hue on him.) "I love you, Alexander."

Alec kissed him. Long and gently, savoring every second of it. "I love you, too", he breathed against his boyfriend's lips. So please, don't leave me. Please stay with me.

TBC

A/N: OH… BOY… And the whole nightmare has only started. (winces) We'll see just how much this is gonna hurt…

SOOO… The word's yours, now. Was that any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know! I LOVE hearing from you.

IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: We see how the boys' first date went. And Magnus is taken to surgery. (gulps)

ABOUT FUTURE UPDATES: I'll start typing chapter six (yeah, six) once I've posted this. SO, at least for a while I MIGHT be able to update twice a week, or every five days. How does that sound?

Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that I'll see you all there.

Take care!

Guest: (BEAMS) I'm SO HAPPY to hear that! I really hope that you'll keep enjoying the emotional ride.

Colossal thank yous for the review! Until next time?