It had been five years, since that fateful day Tom appeared before me. Five years, in which he asked nothing in return. He helped me. With school, with magic, and with my uncle, aunt and cousin. They did not bother me any more, even though I was forced to go back to them each and every summer.
Professor Dumbledore had told me it was for my own protection, and I believed him. After all Tom was not the only one that helped me through the years. Dumbledore had been there to guide me, to explain things, Tom could not, or would not explain.
Dumbledore is a good man, and a great wizard, even though he let me on my own on the worst possible times. And yet I trust Tom more, then I would ever trust Dumbledore. I know this shadow, that lives by my side, is everything but good. But he helped me, he saved me from Voldemort two times now, and he even helped free my godfather from his chains. How evil could a man be, if he did that much good?
He never asked for anything in return. But I know that will change one day. The price of freedom is unmeasurable.
I know everything will change now. It already has. Voldemort has returned. I saw him, at the end of last year. He killed a friend of mine, Cedric Diggory. I really do not understand why he wants to kill me so badly. What have I ever done wrong? I was but an infant when he first tried to kill me. I had so many questions, but not even Dumbledore answered those.
No one believed me. No one was perhaps a but exaggerated. Ron and Hermione believed me. And Ron his family. Sirius and Remus believed me as well, as did Dumbledore, and a few other members of the order of the phoenix, which was reinstated after the return of Voldemort. But all of that did not matter. The wizardingworld saw me as a liar. If they wanted to believe everything the old minister told them, I would let them be.
"Harry, the letters from Hogwarts arrived." Hermione sits down next to me, handing me a thick envelop, with the crest of Hogwarts on the back.
"Thanks." I say, taking the letter from her. We are at the kitchen table in the old Black family house. Since Sirius has been cleared of all charges, I have been coming here every summer, after my two weeks with the Dursley's of course. The ministry is looking for Peter Pettigrew, but I doubt they are going to find the slimy rat any time soon. Not that it really matters, Sirius is free, that was the most important part.
I open the letter, only to find the note that the new term starts on September the first and a list of the supplies I will be needing. I can not say that I am not disappointed. After all I was hoping I would get the prefect badge. Apparently Dumbledore though I am not worthy of such a thing.
"Look Harry! I am a prefect!" Hermoine screams. She looks at me and the envelop. "Where is yours?"
"I do not know." I say, trying not to look disappointed. "Perhaps Dumbledore thinks I am to much of a trouble maker." I try to laugh it away, but it does not take away the hollow feeling I have inside.
"Harry." Ron comes inside the kitchen, with something in his hand. "I think I got the wrong letter, this must be yours."
The red head presses the badge into my hand. I look at it, not believing it. Dumbledore picked Ron over me? Why? I am the one, who always saves the day. I get better grades then Ron, I am better in everything! And the old man dares to give my badge to my best friend?
I stare at the badge, knowing it is wrong of me to think these things. Ron is my best friend, he deserves this as much as I do, or at least that is what I tell myself. "No Ron." I give him back the badge. "It is yours. Dumbledore gave it to you."
From the corner of my eye, I see my shadow twitching, as far as you could call it mine. I do not even know if I even have a shadow of my own. It is Tom, who occupies that space in my life, always following me around, guiding me, like he promised.
Ron wants to say something, I can see it in his eyes, but I do not let him. "I am going to the library. There is this book I really want to read." It is an excuse, and Hermione knows it. She just smiles at me, in a way she thinks is comforting, and I let her believe everything is al right. "I will see you guys later."
I walk past Ron and out of the kitchen. Of course I go to the library, what other choice do I have? I do not want to be an obvious liar. There is no one there, which suits me just fine. I set myself down in one of the comfortable armchairs. It only takes Tom a moment to come out. My shadow changes and forms the handsome young man, whom I trust with my life.
"That badge should have been yours." De man says, kneeling before me.
"It is al right, Tom." I sigh. "It is probably true, I am to much of a trouble maker."
But Tom does not listen to me, he barely ever does. He gets enraged, when I should be the one with the unstoppable anger. "You know what the problem is, Harry? They do not respect you, they take your sacrifices all for granted. How can you stand it?"
"Yelling is not going to help, you know." I pull one of my legs unto the chair, looking down at the man before me. I look into his crimson eyes, seeing my anger, not his.
"You deserve so much more, Harry." Tom his hand rests on my knee. Even through my pants I can feel the cold of his skin.
"Why are you so nice to me?" I ask. I never got that. When he found me, I was just a child, abused by his family, I had nothing, I could do nothing. "Why save someone like me, when there are so many people, who can do so much good."
"Because I believe you are so much more, so much more powerful, then any other being in this world." The words are whispered, much like in my dreams. It is more of a hiss, than a real whisper. A language only he and I can understand. "I made a promise to set you free. I am not going to break it."
"I do not understand you." I whisper back softly. I really do not. Someone as power as Tom, could easily do something for himself. Free himself from the shadows, become a powerful and just leader. He might not be good, but he acts like an angel at some points in time. My fingers touch his face, the soft skin I am so familiar with these days. He is still the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on.
"You do not have to." He whispers back. "Not yet anyway." He softly kisses my hand. I feel tired, exhausted even. "Go to sleep, love."
My eyes slowly begin the close. I drift to sleep, with his eyes imprinted in my brain.
31ste of August. The return to Hogwarts. I admit, I will be glad being back in the castle, sleeping in the four poster bed, with the red curtains, eating with my friends and classmates. I will miss Sirius, he is like a father to me.
"Don't get in to much trouble this year, kiddo." Sirius ruffles my hair, pulling me in for a hug a second later.
"Never." I say to him, letting the man hug me. Some boys might think being hugged is for children or girls, but I do not think so. It is a sign of love and affection. People, who say otherwise, are idiots. "See you at Christmas-break, Sirius."
I let go of him and grab my trunk. With a bit of effort I manage to get the trunk in the right compartment. Ginny is already there, so is Neville. And I girl I have never met before. She looks a bit strange, but I ignore it. We probably all look strange in our own way.
"Hey guys." I say, while sitting down next to the boy with the toad.
"Hi Harry, how was your summer?" Neville asks, he is trying to keep Trevor on his lap, but we all know the toad has a mind of his own. Staying with his owner, was not what the creature wanted.
"Al right I guess. It is hard to ignore all the filthy lies the prophet has been writing about me and Dumbledore, but I manage." I shrug slightly. It was really hard to ignore it, I had some fits and tantrums over the summer, when I was alone in my room of course. Nobody had to see me lose my temper. Well, aside from Tom.
"I believe you, Harry." Neville says, smiling now. "So does my grandma. If you and Dumbledore say that You-Know-Who has returned, then he has."
"Thanks Neville." It was always nice to hear that at least a few people, outside of the order, believed me. I wonder how many others there were going to be. There was a possibility that even some of my classmates were not going to believe me.
"Harry." Hermione peeks inside the coupé. "Ron and I have to sit in the prefects-coupé. We will be back around lunch."
"Yeah sure, see you then." I act like I do not care, but I do. This will be my very first trip to Hogwarts without them.
"Do we have to?" Ron complains, he looks like he just wants to sleep al day.
"Yes Ronald! Stop complaining." Hermione pulls Ron along, after closing the door. I sigh. How could Dumbledore give that badge to Ron, when the boy didn't even want it? It was ridiculous! At least I would wear that badge with some respect. I would do, what had to be done. But for Ron it was only prove that he was equally as good as his brothers.
The red-head had showed me before that he only cared about surpassing his brothers. The mirror of Erised was the prove of that. While I saw my parents, the dream of having a family, all Ron saw was his own pride. It infuriated me. I took a few deep breaths, before, directing my gaze towards Ginny.
"Are you al right, Harry?" The girl asks, looking a bit worried.
"Yeah, fine." It became routine. Lying was something that came easily to me. Especially when it was about my own well-being. "It is my first trainride without them." At least this was the truth. Lies were less easier to spot, when you mixed them with fractions of the truth.
She smiles. "I'm sure you will survive." Then she winks at me. I do not really understand her either. She used to be in love with me, when I was a first year. But that had vanished of the summer between my second and third year. Not that I particularly cared. I am not, nor ever was, in love with her. She is my best friend his sister!
The morning went by rather quick. I got to know Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw student, in the same year as Ginny. She is as strange as I thought she was, with her weird glasses, necklace and earrings, but she is also very nice, and interesting to say the least. She has very strange interpretation of some things, but it was amusing.
At midday Ron and Hermione returned.
"Be glad you don't have this badge, Harry." Ron says, while sitting down next to me. "We had to listen to a boring speech from the headboy and girl. And then we had to make a few rounds, to make sure everyone on the train was behaving. And you never guess who became Slytherin prefect!"
I look at him, my eyes and posture are neutral, while inside I am burning. Even more proof that Ron did not deserve that badge. Dumbeldore should have given it to me. I would not complain about speeches and prefect-rounds. It was suppose to be an honour. I feel like a snake is devouring my insides. I want the yell at my best friend, tell him to become a man, and do the job properly, but I do not.
"Draco?" I ask, a bit of annoyance creeps into my voice. Ron pays no attention to it, probably thinking I am annoyed because Draco Malfoy became prefect.
"Yeah, the slimy git and Pansy Parkinson. If either of them deduct points from Gryffindor, I will do the same for Slytherin." The boy says.
Vengeance, an improper misuse of his power. Ron really did not understand. The urge to yell at him, perhaps even hurt him, becomes greater. Dumbledore was a fool. I was going to tell the old man that, right after the feast.
"You should not misuse your power like that." I simply reply, it is getting harder and harder to remain calm, but I manage nonetheless.
"Harry is right Ron." Hermione interferes. "If they want to take advantage of their power, that's their problem, they will probably lose their badge over it. Don't follow in their footsteps.
At least Hermione has some sense of honour. She has always been the brightest of my two friends. Sometimes she annoys me, but most of the time I respect her hard work, and her respect for the rules, even if I have broken most of them in the last few years.
Shortly after that both my best friends leave us again.
Dinner. The first night at Hogwarts is always magical, but sometimes it gets screwed up. Like in my second year, when we missed it entirely, and even got detention. Or in my third year, when they told us some mass-murdering freak – later to be revealed as an honourable man and my godfather- escaped.
This time it got screwed up as well. Her pink clothes almost rip my eyes out of my sockets. Her annoying voice, makes me want to puke. She is giving a speech about reforming the school, and how we will all be best friends. I do not believe her, but many others seem to think she is nice, and we could easily screw with her.
Hermione looks angered. Apparently she is one of the few students actually listening to the speech. I only hear it with half an ear, not interested in what a woman from the ministry wants to do here. Dumbledore would never let her do something major.
Moments later dinner appears on the table. As usual there are to many things I enjoy. But I realise I am not hungry at all. I fill my plate in order not the worry Hermione, but I can not get one bite through my throat.
It is only at the end of the feast, when Ron and Hermione call for the first year, that I realise what is bothering me so much. I thought I was a good friend, that I was man enough to get over it, but apparently I was not.
I flee the great hall, without saying anything to anyone. I do not want to burst out in rage in the middle of the great hall, then everyone would have a reason to believe I am truly deranged.
I run al the way to the astronomy-tower. Being alone was a priority. When I finally arrive, I am panting quit heavily. Running up all those stairs, without pausing once for a breath, will do that to you.
"What is wrong, Harry?" Tom steps out of my shadow, placing a cold hand on my cheek. "It is the red-head, is it not? You realise he does not deserve it."
"Yes." Is all I manage to say.
"Look at me, love." I have no choice but to look up. He soft voice always makes me want to comply with his commands. His scarlet eyes pierce into mine. "Do you want to change it? Do you want to set it right?"
"Yes." I answer again, falling into the dark abyss of my soul.
This is my first time writing a story in first person, but I wanted to try it. I hope it's okay. It's harder then writing in third person, I have to watch everything I write down. Mistakes are even more easily made. Well, i hope you enjoy it anyway!