When Your Heart Grows Cold

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenoblade. That would be Monolithsoft. The title I also took from a song called Blue Monday, which was originally composed by New Order in 1983. The verse was fitting for this story. Enjoy.

Shulk

The sound of lightning made him jolt up. Annoyed with the sudden disruption of sleep he looked outside his window from his bed. Getting out of bed, Shulk gave a heavy sigh and leaned on the windowsill. Another flash of lightning struck in what everyone was calling the "salty sea." Intrigued by the artistic beauty of it hitting the water, he decided he shouldn't be so annoyed with the lightning. It wasn't as if he was "waking up" anyway. What he was doing could barely be called "sleep." Sleep was something that refreshed one's body. What he was getting was quite the opposite. Sleep was something he had continued to struggle with since the creation of the new world. Yes he dreamed, but after everything that happened he soon realized that dreaming was just as exhausting as being awake. This was due to his reoccurring dreams of Zanza and Meyneth.

During the day it was as if he had not even gone to bed. He would spend countless hours in his lab conducting studies on himself. The information he gathered most of the time came back to the energy he emitted from when he was using the Monado. This always perplexed him, especially since neither of the Monados existed in this world. Frustrated with his findings he would leave his lab to seek out any tranquility he could find. Sitting near the shore used to provide him with relaxation, but stopped with the constant feeling of being awake. Reyn had suggested fishing, but when he tried to fish he would catch himself dozing off, usually just before he would lean forward and slide off the dock. Sometimes he didn't catch himself, and he would end up soaked.

When he gave up on relaxation techniques he tried altering his sleep patterns. At first he would try to sleep at different times of the day figuring that it was due to all of the recent adventuring. Taking the night watch was something that put a lot of stress on his body. These things did not appear to faze Dunban, Reyn, or Fiora on their adventures. They so easily pressed on each morning. He eventually got to that point, but he always struggled with pressing on when he needed to rest. After weeks of trying different times, he decided that time wasn't the issue. Plus his involvement with the technology committee wouldn't allow for sleeping the hours of his choosing.

He would then try to set an alarm that would wake him up anytime he was going into his dream phase of sleep. He soon found out that he did not need to be in deep sleep to start dreaming, and waking up every 2 hours had worn on him even more. Not only that, he was beginning to have daydreams about the two. Frustratingly enough the daydreams didn't stop with trying to sleep normally either.

He did always have that helpless feeling something was missing now that he was no longer sharing a body with Zanza. Shulk thought that these dreams were fantasies he made up after finding out that Zanza only desired companionship. At one point he was convinced Zanza had left Shulk with these thoughts as a final stab at him for taking his place as a "god."

Shulk let out another heavy sigh and looked at his clock. It was 5:00am, and he had to be at a colony meeting at 7:30am. He played with the idea of asking Dunban to take his place, but this meeting was specifically about the technology needed to expand Colony 9. He pouted for a couple seconds: something that was very out of character for him. Without feeling replenished each day, it was hard to keep his composure, especially when he was by himself.

"Shulk, you look exhausted."

Fiora held the frying pan full of the new egg scramble recipe she was trying out over Shulk's plate. The egg made a splat. Shulk just stared at it. With a sigh Fiora leaned over and looked straight into his eyes.

"I'm worried about you. I don't feel like you're taking care of yourself…." Fiora took the empty pan to the sink and poured water over it. "This is the 3rd day in a row you just stared at my cooking… Do you not like my cooking?"

Shulk let out a tiny sigh - She always did this. She would be concerned about him, and then internalize it into something that she could be doing wrong. She sounded and looked so defeated. Shulk wanted to tell her it wasn't her cooking; in fact he loved when she cooked and tried new recipes. She would always get on his case for having such simple responses for things she asked. He was trying harder to give her more detailed feedback - especially when it came to her cooking. He was just so exhausted today.

"Fiora, your cooking is great." Shulk paused, "I have not been all that hungry lately I guess…"

"If you want me to make more familiar recipes, I will. I'm just worried because you have not been eating much lately." Fiora sat across from him holding the rinsed spatula in her hand - tapping it against her forehead. "What's going on with you?"

Shulk looked back at his food. He wanted to tell her about his dreams, but at the same time he didn't want to worry her. She was also recovering. With her adjustment to being a Homs again there was no need for that kind of stress on her new body. The truth was that it bothered him that the dreams were now becoming part of his conscious thought. He had told Fiora about some of the dreams he'd been having, but nothing recently. Before when he brought it up she would get very quiet. It was the only time she didn't pry into what was going on with him. She would just listen, and then the responses were limited. It would end in an awkward silence. With these new daydreams he didn't know how she would handle it.

"I'm worried about how this plan to expand Colony 9 is going to go." Shulk lied.

Fiora put her chin on her hands and stared intently at him. It was clear she was waiting for more of an explanation. Shulk took a stab at the egg on his plate and swirled his fork around.

"And…I am…" He looked across the dining room at an old picture of him, Fiora and Reyn collecting scraps as kids. "The head of the technology committee, which happens to be the main topic of today's meeting," He said quickly.

"What you've been working on looks great Shulk. Why are you so worried?"

"Why are you so worried? I'm sure the Biocreation Department will love the idea! And you are Zanza the great after all!" He could hear Meyneth giggling. Shulk shook his head with the thought. That was a new setting for his dreams. Was he losing his sense of reality? Fiora continued to wait for a response.

"Because…" He thought of a great idea. "The last three days I have been working on this idea with some of the other members of the group, and I'm beginning to feel like the officials are expecting more from what I have come up with. I've been having some trouble sleeping, and I've been working long hours to make sure it's what it should be…yeah, that's what it is."

It wasn't a complete lie. This project had been putting a lot of stress on him, and he was somewhat concerned how the meeting will go. It didn't help that he was presenting after Melia and Vanea, who both had countless ideas to incorporate their own technology in the advancement. Fiora sighed and began tapping the spatula against her head again.

"I think if we take both of our ideas to the department, they might give us rights to proceed with the experiments of world creation… That is if you're willing to take that risk of working with me with other people knowing."

Again with the daydream of Meyneth, but she looked different. She looked like a mortal. Where was this coming from? He silently willed the thought to go away. He looked at Fiora, who looked like Meyneth. Now he was really was losing his sense of reality. He closed his eyes for a second, and opened them to the familiar look of Fiora sitting across him. He let out a sigh of relief. Fiora blinked at him.

"I don't understand. Melia and Vanea are going to be with you, and their knowledge on what can be done from here should tell the people a lot!" Fiora smiled at him. "And from what I've seen from your blueprints on the machinery to be used, it looks wonderful. I can't wait to see it in action."

Shulk was growing annoyed with the conversation. He already knew all of this, and he was relatively confident about the blueprints. He was especially confident of Vanea and Melia's knowledge and ideas. He twirled his fork in the scramble and attempted to eat. He appreciated her concern, cooking, and the positive reinforcement, but he was too tired to keep the conversation going. He swallowed a large mouthful of her food and smiled.

"It's delicious," he truly meant it.

Fiora let her lips form an ear to ear smile, and then let out a happy sigh. Upon finishing his food, he realized how hungry he actually was. It was exceptionally good. He noted that forcing himself to eat at times could help him out. Maybe that was why the dreams started happening during the day. When he was done Fiora grabbed his plate and silverware, and began to wash the dishes. Shulk sat back in his seat and watched her for a bit.

"Where's Dunban at?" He finally asked.

"I think he is getting checked by Linada. They're trying to get his right arm back to normal." Fiora paused and turned around, "Which reminds me, I have an appointment with her today." She put the last dish on the drying rack and dried her hands.

Linada had been working with Fiora on exercises, tests, and daily checkups to make sure the new parts of her body were not being rejected by the old. Linada and Vanea worked hard together to come up with Hom cell growth, and even harder to incorporate it in today's advanced medicine. That was one of the amazing medical technologies that came from the Machina, and it was working well with Fiora and Dunban. There were some scares at the beginning when Fiora's Machina body was at its end. At times there was no telling if Fiora would live through it. They carefully replaced one part of her body at a time. Fiora had the will to keep going, and with each body part she began to look healthier. They kept Meyneth's triangular soul stone because oddly enough it helped with her recovery. The soul stone was the last thing to come off, and before everyone knew it Fiora was herself again. At this point she was almost 100%. Vanea said it was Fiora's will to keep going that made the transition such a success. With a little more exercise and tests she would be almost back to what she was before the attack on Colony 9. Shulk became almost nostalgic thinking about those times before all of their adventures. It seemed liked so long ago.

"And speaking of Linada…" Fiora interrupted Shulk's thought. "If you're having trouble sleeping, maybe she can help you."

Shulk did think of that before. He played with the idea of seeing her, but he was too proud. He didn't want to go through the embarrassment of not being able to diagnose his problem on his own. It was becoming too much for him now. It would only be an act of desperation at this point. Maybe she would be able to help. She had to know a lot about brain patterns with working with Fiora.

"That is actually a really good idea." Shulk finally admitted. "Thanks Fiora, I'll see if she'll see me after the meeting."

"I think that's a great idea." Fiora smiled and hugged Shulk. He hesitantly put his arms around her. He wasn't very good at this kind of thing. His heart began to accelerate, "I'm so glad our lives are back to normal. I hope every day can be like this," she continued. She held him tight and put her head in his chest. He swallowed dryly.

"Me too Fiora…" He struggled to think of something else to say. "I'm so glad that…" He bit his lip, thinking about the time he thought she was gone, "I don't have to worry about you not being around." Realizing what he was feeling he instinctively held her more tightly. The helplessness he felt when he thought he lost her forever overwhelmed him. He didn't want to let her go "I don't want to feel that way ever again."

Fiora looked up at him and smiled and ear to ear smile again. She stepped away and slid her hand into his. Shulk blushed, suddenly rethinking every word he said to her. Fiora giggled.

"Thank you Shulk. I'm so lucky to have you in my life, and that I get another chance with this life… with us together."

She kissed him on the cheek and let go of his hand slowly as she left the house. Shulk watched her leave and put his hand on his face. As the door closed he looked at his reflection in the door. He was flushed and he felt hot against his hand. Shulk and Fiora had been deemed a couple by everyone in the Colony. That was kind of a given, and it just felt right. That being said, it bothered Shulk that they still had yet to make any advances in their relationship. It was something they were both shy about, and he didn't want hinder Fiora's recovery in any way. That didn't mean he didn't want to touch her though. Sure, they did live together, but they both slept in different rooms. They still had yet to take it to the next level, and actually enjoy the touch of one another. They had experimented before everything happened, and shared several moments back when they were adventuring, but there had been little to nothing since. He shook his head and looked at the clock, 7:20am – he needed to hurry and get to that meeting.

Shulk let out a long tired sigh. The meeting took longer than he wanted it to. The committee presented several ideas for expansion, housing, and forming more stable ideas for transport. Shulk's blueprints went well with the representatives at the meeting, but it appeared they wanted more than what was there. Shulk found this frustrating since so much work had been put into it already. The Colony officials gave him the go on starting the plans for building what was on the blueprints, but they wanted to see more ideas at the next meeting. He began to play with the idea of bringing Fiora to the next meeting and she could present on nutrition, and the success of the Flamii house for fresh eggs. Shulk let out what could be described as a yawn and a sigh at the same time while leaving the meeting. He needed to get to Linada's. He hoped he was not putting too much confidence in her ability to come up with a solution. At this point he would take anything he could get to feel refreshed from sleeping. He didn't know how much more he could handle with feeling like he was awake all the time.

"Wait! Shulk!" A formal voice sounded from behind him.

Shulk turned around to see his High Entia friend running to catch up with him. Her portion of the meeting appeared to go much better than what Shulk presented. She had that advantage with all the new mechanical and medical technology presented to the Homs of the new Colony 9. She leaned over to catch her breath when she caught up.

"Thank you kindly for waiting for me." She was panting; she held her breath to try to calm down.

"Of course Melia, What's up?" Shulk didn't want to rush her, but he wanted to catch Linada before she left The Clinic.

"I just wanted to let you know not to take what the officials said to you too harshly. The presentations Vanea and I gave were hard acts to follow." Melia giggled a bit. "But in all honesty Shulk, I thought what you presented was wonderful, and it used all of the available technology perfectly. I wanted to tell you that back there, but you left so quickly."

She was right, he did leave abruptly, but he had good reason for it. Getting to the Clinic had been the only thing on his mind during the meeting, which thinking back at it could have affected the tone of his presentation.

"Thank you Melia, I will keep that in mind… I still do need to come up with some fresh ideas though." Shulk started to yawn.

"Oh Shulk, you look like you have been working so hard lately. Why not take a day off for some rest? The next meeting is not for another month."

"You shouldn't work yourself so hard. If you deprive yourself of sleep, there's no telling where your mind will go…"

Shulk scratched his head hoping the daydream didn't continue. Sometimes it was so hard to differentiate whether or not Meyneth was actually there talking to him, or if he was just day dreaming. Why did these thoughts flash in and out of his conscious mind?

Shulk looked straight past Melia. If only she knew what sleeping meant for him. He held back a smart remark about his current sleeping patterns by biting his tongue. Annoyance was becoming a common emotion for him. He knew Melia and Fiora meant well, but his lack of alertness was weighing on him. He was also well aware Melia had feelings for him, and he did not want to risk delving into that again, at least not right now.

"Yeah Melia, I should be able to sleep better now that this meeting is finally over."

"You have been having trouble sleeping?" She put her hand on her cheek.

Shulk bit his tongue and did everything he could not to moan and let his head slide back in annoyance. It was his own fault for not watching what he was saying. Even if he had time to talk about it, he didn't want to. He always thought of Melia as a strong woman, but her emotions and heart tended to be fragile. Like Fiora, he didn't want her to worry about him. He had little idea to how she was handling the aftermath of their adventures, and not to mention the news that him and Fiora were official now. He didn't want her to think about him more than she had to, not with how she felt about him. He could only imagine her emotional discomfort. He sighed and swallowed his pride.

"I'm actually going to see Linada to talk to her about any ideas for relaxation techniques… or if there is anything she could give me for it." Shulk admitted. Sometimes it was best to be as truthful as possible with Melia.

"Oh Shulk, is there anything I can do to help? Do you need to talk about anything?" She paused, "Vanea and I are going to Little Nopom's – they just opened up last week. I want to try it. Would you like to join us?"

Like most people their age living in a developing colony, visiting local pubs after committee meetings was Melia's new favorite pastime. She would oftentimes ask Shulk if he wanted to go. Shulk would get his normal wheat beer while she would get a high priced girly mixed drink – which was all she needed. Even with a royal upbringing Melia had succumbed to her Homs desires. Shulk thought about how times change. The last time him and Melia went to a committee meeting together they ended up at a local pub, which in turn ended with her intoxicated and crying in his arms about how she was never good enough for him. This was out of character for her. As a matter of fact even agreeing to get a drink at a local pub was far from her normal activities at the time. She would then compare herself to Fiora. Shulk found this awkward. Before this he was not aware of how deeply she thought and felt about him. He had ideas before, but this left nothing to his imagination. It was almost too much information. He never knew how to handle these kinds of situations, or even what to say, and that wasn't going to change any time soon – especially not with his current sleep problems.

What made it even more awkward was that she began talking about Dunban shortly after. He had always had suspicions about the two, especially toward the end of their adventures. Luckily she never brought up that time afterwards, nor did she appear to remember. Shulk decided to never mention it. His mind couldn't handle the thought of Melia and Dunban as an item right now. It was something even his most alert mind would have trouble comprehending. Perhaps that was one of the reasons she became interested in going to local Pubs. Although, Little Nopom's did not sound like a pub Dunban would go into, at least he didn't think so.

"Thank you Melia, but I'm okay at this point. I just need to see Linada and try and get some adequate sleep."

"Let me know if you need anything Shulk, I'll always be here if you need me." She put her hand over her chest. Shulk put his hand on her shoulder and she blushed.

"Thank you Melia, I will definitely let you know if I do." He meant this.

Shulk made his way over to The Clinic and sighed in relief for making it on time, and not running into Fiora on the way. He didn't want to accidentally snap on anyone who was providing him sympathy. That would be wrong in so many ways.

"It sounds like some kind of PTSD, which happens when you put too much than you can handle on yourself after a traumatic situation." Linada lowered Shulk's chair to the point where it was perpendicular to the machine she was going to hook him up to.

"That's what I originally thought too, but this has been going on even before I was assigned as a committee leader." Shulk sighed, "I'm sleeping, but it's as if I'm constantly awake. It doesn't make any sense."

Linada stopped the chair and flashed a light in his eyes. He blinked several times. He waited patiently for her to respond. She closed her eyes and put the light away.

"What have you tried as far as relaxation techniques?" Linada taped the light against her cheek.

"I've tried everything." He paused, she was waiting for specifics. "Sitting near the dock, fishing, changing my sleep patterns, working in my lab, taking walks."

"And what happened with each of those?"

"Well, they didn't work." He sighed, "And when I tried to change my sleep pattern the dreams stared happening during the day." He wished she would get on with the tests. He already thought of all this when he was in his lab. She finally hooked Shulk up to the machine.

"It's so odd." Linada finally said after what felt like hours.

"What's odd?" Shulk looked back and forth at the machine near the chair and Linada. "You didn't even do the tests yet…."

"No, that's not what I'm talking about." She began preparing the machine to do some scans. She rolled her chair over to Shulk.

"What did you mean then?"

"It's just…" Linada looked at the furthest wall from them. "Have you talked with Fiora about any of this?"

"No way! She does not need any more stress than what she is going through right now." Shulk snapped, and then calmly paused, "Why?"

She sighed and looked straight into his eyes, but she wasn't looking at him. She was deep in thought.

"I can't say what is going on with Fiora." She started flipping some switches on the machine. Shulk's eyes widened. He felt the feeling of helplessness consuming him all over again.

"Tell me, what's going on with Fiora!" Shulk sat up, now more concerned about what she was going through than his own health. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to her again. "Is she alright?" There was a silence. "At least tell me if she is going to be alright or not!"

"Lay back down, if you move around too much the scan won't come out right." Linada responded.

"I'm not lying back down until you answer me."

Linada gave him a look of annoyance.

"Then I guess we won't do any tests, and you can continue to have these sleeping problems." Shulk's mouth dropped as far as it could. She sighed trying not to laugh. "Fiora is going to be fine. She is actually doing extremely well."

Shulk let out a heavy sigh.

"Why didn't you just say that then?" Shulk grumbled.

Linada turned the machine on, still avoiding the answer to any of his questions.

"Let's get these tests done, and then I can tell you what is wrong… hopefully," She paused. "Don't worry about Fiora right now, everything is fine with her."

"Do you think this will tell you what is going on with me?"

Linada looked at him, "I'm going to need to take pictures of your brain while you are awake and asleep. Since this is about your quality of sleep I'm going to need you to try and fall asleep first to see what I can find. I will let you know what I find when I find it, it just may take some time." She paused, "Do you need a sedative?" She handed him a mask.

Shulk had no problems falling asleep; it was that he never felt he was sleeping. He closed his eyes and let the machine do its work. Of course while he was first being read he didn't have any thoughts about Zanza or Meyneth. Maybe it was all about his stress level, and the panic he felt when he couldn't diagnose himself with a problem. The feelings of helplessness did not help. All that mattered was he felt relaxed at this very moment, and with that he began to doze off.