Holly was nervous.
Gail's due date was less than a week away, and once the baby was born, everything would change.
She'd meant what she said when she'd stood in front of Gail and asked for another chance, asked if there was room for her in Gail's life. Gail being pregnant didn't change the fact that she still loved the police officer, that she still wanted to try again.
The baby just complicated some things. Made her a little more careful, a little more open about how she felt and what she wanted.
What she felt was love. And what she wanted was a future with the blonde. The part of that future that involved kids had just been moved up a bit, that's all.
Still, though she and Gail were definitely in the "back together" category, there were still things that were uncertain. Things like: what role would Holly be playing in the baby's life? How involved did Gail want or expect her to be? How much of this would Gail want or expect to do on her own; she had, after all, started out planning on being a single mother.
And it's not like they hadn't talked about it at all—they had. But both of them knew that the reality of an infant was very different than the fantasy of one. As much as they talked it through, they were aware, most of time, once the baby got here, they'd be hanging on by a thread.
Gail, she knew, was still a little apprehensive, still a little uncertain of her. And it's not like she hadn't given the blonde cause to be afraid. She'd left, she'd cut Gail out of her life completely. And sure, she was back now, and sure, her love for Gail hadn't ever diminished, but Gail had every right to hesitate before asking anything of her, to carry around a little shard of fear that one day she'd wake up and Holly would be gone again.
She had every reason distrust Holly.
And Holly knew that the only way she could make things right, the only way she could regain Gail's trust, was to be there. To be there and to wait. To wait until the blonde had faith in her once again. Wait for Gail to trust that she was loved, and that no one was leaving her ever again.
Because Holly was sure. Holly was certain.
This was what she wanted. Gail. The baby. A future for the three of them. Together.
She would wait as long as Gail needed.
The three months since she'd stood at Gail's door had passed quickly.
That first night, she'd shown up with a couple of steaks and a big bag of home fries. The big winner, though, despite the perfectly grilled steaks and the spicy home fries, had been the ice cream she'd snuck into the freezer when Gail wasn't looking. They'd had dinner together and talked, Gail telling her all about the decision to have a baby and her pregnancy so far, and then settled onto the big, comfortable couch to watch the blonde's favorite movies. They'd just started the second one when Gail's belly began to growl.
When Holly got up and returned with two pints of Ben & Jerry's, Gail just smiled and grabbed the carton of cookie dough.
"Baby," she said to her belly in a faux-whisper, "I think we're being courted."
They'd watched all three of the Star Wars movies that night. Well, Holly did. Gail dozed off towards the end of the second, but by that point her legs were in Holly's lap and her butt scooched right up to Holly's side. And she looked so comfortable, and so beautiful with her hair spread out over a pillow and a hand fisted up under her chin that Holly couldn't bring herself to wake the blonde. So instead, she'd sat and listened to the third movie while she watched Gail sleep. While she watched the way the police officer's chest rose and fell, the way the baby rolled and turned in her womb, the expressions that crossed her love's face while she slept.
Holly hadn't stopped loving Gail, not one bit over the past few years.
But what she didn't know until that night was that she hadn't stopped falling in love with her either.
They dated.
There was no other word for it.
Starting over meant really starting over.
So they went out to dinner, to the movies. Holly cooked for them in Gail's kitchen and they stayed in to play Scrabble. They went to the winter festival at Leo's school and Gail sat on the bleachers, balancing a cup of hot chocolate on her belly, while Holly teamed up with Leo in the snowball-making competition.
Normal dating things.
And then there were the not-so-normal dating things.
Like helping Steve paint the baby's room, or putting together a crib while Gail watched and made fun of them from her spot in the corner rocking chair. There was shopping for baby things, and buying ridiculously large stuffed animals and teeny-tiny shoes as the blonde rolled her eyes and asked just what exactly did Holly think an infant would do with a three-foot tall monkey or a pair of shoes designed to look like hockey skates.
Then Gail had asked her if she could go to baby class with her on the nights Steve couldn't make it. Which turned pretty quickly into going with Gail to every birthing class when Steve went undercover for a few weeks on a drug case. And then Gail asking her if she'd be there when the baby was born, if she'd be her birthing partner. That had caught Holly by surprise, and she stuttered just the slighest when she responded, when she asked if Gail was sure, if she wouldn't rather have her mother (Gail laughed) or Steve or Traci in the room with her.
"If you don't want to," Gail had said, "then I'm sure Steve or Traci would. But Holly, I want you there. I want you with me. There's no one I'd rather have by my side for this."
If there were tears in Holly's eyes when she said yes, Gail pretended not to see them.
Then there was the baby shower. Elaine and Traci recruited her help in planning the event, but it was, Holly thought, odd. They were treating her almost as if she was really, officially, going to be a mother too. As if she were Gail's partner, and not Gail's late-comer girlfriend.
They'd been dating for just over a month when the day of the baby shower rolled around. Holly was certain that Gail was under no illusions of why she was being driven around that Saturday morning while Traci and Andy and Chloe snuck into her house to decorate, but the blonde played along and kept her suspicions to herself.
When they got back to the house after a breakfast of donuts and tea, the front porch was covered in balloons and streamers. Gail took one look and laughed.
"Someone put Price in charge of decorating," she asked.
Holly just shook her head and reached for Gail's hand to help her out of the car before wrapping an arm around the blonde's waist, helping to steady the pregnant woman as they navigated the slightly icy walk up to the front.
The party was a good time, and Gail was a good sport about it all. She sat in her chair in the living room and accepted presents from the group of family and friends and coworkers. Dov and Chris and Oliver dropped in, and Nick stopped by toward the end. The blonde opened the pack of sleepers he'd wrapped and gave him a kiss on the cheek as she thanked him.
Holly'd been pulled aside several times, and been given several different talks. From Steve, from Oliver. Traci and even Elaine. Each had gone about the same. Different versions of "if you love her, don't hurt her."
The most surprising one had been Elaine. The red-head had cornered her in the kitchen, where Holly was getting another cup of tea ready for Gail.
"I feel like I should thank you," the older woman had said casually, arranging cupcakes on a platter.
Holly was confused. "I didn't do much," she'd answered back, "Traci really put most of this together."
But Elaine had just smiled—Gail's smile, just a little older and a little wiser.
"Not for the party, though thank you for getting my daughter out of the house this morning," she said. "You know, for a long time I wondered if Gail would ever get her life together. Oh," she waved away the concern she saw on Holly's face, "she was doing well, I know that. A respected police officer, friends, yes. But she was always afraid to want more, to go for more. She accepted things. When Nicholas left, she didn't fight for him; when Traci was promoted to detective over her, she resigned herself to being on patrol for her career. She didn't want anything."
Elaine brushed back a bit of hair that had fallen into Holly's eyes.
"Until you. You were the first thing she really wanted. And when your relationship ended, she fought. She fought. And now she's here, happy in her career, happy in her home, happy in her relationship with you. She's not afraid anymore, not to want things, not to fight for them. It wasn't easy," Elaine said, "for either of you, I know that. But you both ended up where you needed to be in the end. And now I'm going to be a grandmother. So thank you, for everything."
Holly wasn't sure what to say, which was okay because Elaine turned to take out the cupcakes before she could think of anything. She just took the tea out to Gail, who gave her a weird look before pulling the doctor down on the couch next to her and pushing a stack of presents over to open.
"Come on, doc," Gail said with a soft, soft smile, "we got a lot to open here."
Later that night, after the presents were piled into the baby's room and the food was put away in the fridge for later and the garbage all out in the bin at the end of the driveway, Gail came up behind her and wrapped her arms around Holly's waist, as far as they'd reach at the moment, anyway.
Holly could feel the baby's little staccato kicks against her spine, and she put her hands over the blonde's.
"Hey," she said, "you must be tired. It's been a long day."
Gail hmmmm'd, and let her head fall forward to rest against Holly's shoulder.
"You should stay tonight," she said. "We—I, I want you to stay tonight."
Holly knew this wasn't like the nights before, when she'd stayed over after they'd stayed up late watching movies or playing games or talking. The nights where she'd massaged Gail's back as they lay in bed together. The nights where Gail tossed and turned until she found a comfortable position, and then slept for a while, before tossing and turning again.
No, this was a whole different kind of request.
She nodded.
They sat and watched tv for a little while, but if anyone had asked, Holly would never be able to remember what was on.
And then Gail turned to her and said that they should go to bed.
Holly helped her off the couch, and followed her up to the bedroom where she watched as Gail stripped away the clothes and makeup from the day. She'd seen Gail naked before, obviously, and had seen parts of the younger woman since they'd reconnected. Her bare belly at the doctor's office, her breasts when Gail dragged her out shopping for new, bigger, bras. But this was the first time she was seeing Gail, all of Gail, pregnant.
She was beautiful.
She was so beautiful.
Holly could barely breathe.
She was still the same Gail that Holly remembered. But at the same time she wasn't. Her hips, which had been slim and almost boyish before, had filled out, widening as her body prepared for the task of giving birth. Her breasts were bigger, and the faint blue of blood vessels was evident under her pale, pale skin. The light pale pink nipples, and the areolae surrounding them, had darkened to a dusky rose hue, and the nipples themselves seemed different, more pronounced, perhaps.
And the round swell of her belly, where Gail's child swam and slept—it just might have been the most amazing thing that Holly had ever seen. From the way her belly button poked out to the soft striping of stretch marks along the underside of her womb, she truly was the most beautiful woman Holly had ever seen.
"I love you," she said as Gail climbed into the bed next to her, a big, over-sized t-shirt for her pajamas.
It wasn't the first time she'd said it, but it was the first time since they'd gotten back together that Gail said it back.
"I love you too, nerd," the blonde said before grabbing at Holly's button-down pajama shirt and pulling her in for a kiss.
The next morning, Holly woke first. Three years ago that wouldn't have been unusual, but lately, as the pregnancy made her more and more uncomfortable, it was rare that Holly woke before Gail when they shared a bed.
But that morning, Gail was still fast asleep when Holly woke, cold in the early morning air. She pulled up the blanket they'd kicked down at some point during the night, bringing it up to cover Gail's bare shoulder before rolling back into her lover's body. Her nipples brushed against the blonde's bare back as she snuggled into the warm woman, and draped a hand over the baby, feeling as they twisted and turned under her touch, before pressing a kiss to the back of Gail's neck.
"I love you," she whispered into Gail's skin, closing her eyes.
She was half-asleep again when she felt Gail reach back and pat her on the ass.
"We know," the blonde said, her voice heavy and tired, "now sleep."
Gail went into labor just after midnight on Valentine's Day, two days past her due-date.
Holly had all but moved into the house once Gail hit the final weeks of her pregnancy.
"The last thing in the world I want," she told the blonde who'd scoffed at the idea she needed watching over, "is for something to happen and for you to be alone. So I'll sleep on the couch if you want, and I'll stay out of your way, but I'm going to be here. Someone is. If not me, then Steve or your mother, but someone, Gail. I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you, or to the baby. So just let me do this. Please."
Gail's face softened, and her exhaustion-induced annoyance faded.
"You'll sleep with me," she said, and that was that.
They were both tense. Gail from the discomfort of late-pregnancy, the inability to sleep, the waiting for something to happen—for real labor, and not Braxton-Hicks, to start. And, though she denied it to everyone but Holly, some anxiety about giving birth. All perfectly natural, Holly reassured her.
But Holly was struggling too. The waiting, the waiting was going to kill her. She was barely sleeping—every motion or sound from the other side of the bed startled her into wakefulness, thinking this was it, this was the moment. She dreaded going off to work in the morning, and spent the whole time she was waiting for students to show up at her office hours thinking about home. Every phone call sent her heart racing, every text notification had her sweating.
And when Gail went on maternity leave, it just got worse. At least before, Holly thought to herself, there were people around all day long.
She'd said as much to Traci when they met up for lunch one day. And Traci, to her credit, hadn't laughed … much. She'd just patted Holly's hand and reassured her that, though she'd never been on non-pregnant waiting side before, it was normal to be worried.
Still, Holly was able to breathe a little easier when people from the 15 started just dropping in on Gail at home the next day. Oliver with tea in the morning, one of the Rookies with lunch, Steve or Traci or Gail's parents in the afternoon. Even Gail couldn't complain about the visitors—they broke up her boredom at being stuck at home with nothing to do but wait.
And wait they did.
Gail's due date came and went, and that night, tense and exhausted and just ready to be done with the whole pregnancy thing, she'd wept hot, angry, frustrated tears while Holly drew her a bath and then massaged some of the soreness out of the blonde's lower back, her calves, her feet.
She took the rest of the week off, unwilling to go anywhere when Gail could go into labor at any time, and they spent the next day researching ways to jumpstart labor. Holly helped the blonde into her SUV and they drove over every bridge they could find. They picked up the spiciest Thai food they could find for an early dinner and after, Holly drew Gail another warm, soothing bath.
And then, after she'd helped the blonde out of the tub and dried her off, she directed her girlfriend to lay back on the bed, and used her mouth and fingers to bring the sleepy woman to one orgasm after another, until Gail could take no more.
They fell asleep together, Gail tucked into Holly, who ran her hand soothingly over the blonde's belly, hoping to calm the wild kicks of the child inside.
Gail shook her awake a little after two in the morning.
"Holly," she whispered, her face a mix of excitement and fear, "I'm having contractions—real contractions."
The brunette shot up in bed, almost knocking heads as she did.
"Are you sure," she asked, "how long have you been having them?"
Gail held out her phone, where an app was tracking her contractions. Holly read the data—every seven minutes, lasting almost a minute each time. Since just after midnight, according to the readout.
"Why didn't you wake me, honey," she asked, placing her hands on the blonde's belly, feeling the muscles seize under her touch.
"I didn't," Gail started to speak, but paused, gripping the sheets tightly in her hands as she rode out another contraction, "I didn't want to wake you until I was sure."
"Well, I think it's a sure thing now," Holly said, rising from the bed and digging through the drawer for some clothes. "We should head to the hospital—let's get you changed into something a little warmer than your t-shirt, okay?"
She grabbed a pair of maternity leggings and a great, big hooded sweatshirt that Gail'd been wearing a lot now that she didn't have to dress for work anymore.
"Hey," she said, seeing an apprehensive look on her girlfriend's face, "this is a good thing, honey. We're going to meet your baby today." The wide smile on her face was genuine, she just hoped Gail knew that.
"I know," Gail said, tears gathering, "I know. But I'm scared, Hol. The baby's going to be here and what do I do then? Being pregnant is easy—I just don't drink coffee or alcohol and sit at a desk. But being a mom? I don't know if I can do that, Holly. Not alone. I can't believe I ever thought I could do this alone—I can't, I can't do it alone—"
"Honey," Holly whispered, cutting the blonde off, "look at me."
She waited until Gail's wet blue eyes met her own.
"You're going to be a great mom. Everyone knows this, and you know this too, deep down. You're going to be amazing. And, you could absolutely do this alone if you had to. But," she said as she felt Gail clutch at her hands, another contraction starting, "you don't have to. You are not alone. You have a wonderful family to help you out. Your parents are thrilled about having a grandchild, and Steve is going to be a great uncle. You have amazing friends, who will be happy to help out whenever you need—babysitting, hanging out, late night phone calls, whatever."
She held Gail's gaze steady as the contraction hit its height, as the blonde gripped almost painfully at her hands and huffed through it.
"But most of all, Gail, you have me. I'm here for whatever you and the baby need. I love you, Gail, and the baby. I love you both so much. And you don't ever have to worry about being alone, because I'll be here. In whatever way you want me. Okay, sweetie," she asked, pouring her heart into every word.
Gail was silent as the contraction eased, but stared straight into Holly's eyes, taking strength from the love there.
"Okay," she said, a line of sweat at her temple, "okay."
"Good," Holly said, kissing away the sweat, "now let's get you changed and to the hospital. There's a baby waiting to be born, you know."
Gail laughed, and Holly quickly stripped her of her t-shirt, helping the smaller woman into clothes for the drive.
The drive to the hospital was uneventful, the streets quiet in the early, early morning. Holly drove with one hand, Gail clutching the other as her contractions got stronger and stronger. They'd just arrived at the intake desk at the maternity center when a particularly powerful contraction hit, and the blonde clung to Holly as her body shook with the force of it. Neither of them noticed that Gail's water had broken until after it was over.
One orderly ran over with a wheelchair, another with an armful of paper towels to quick wipe up the wet-floor.
Gail began to cry as she was settled into the chair; part-pain, part-embarrassment. But Holly just knelt down in front of her girlfriend, birth-bag over her shoulder, and kissed the blonde's forehead, and then gently the corner of her mouth.
"Hey," she whispered, "it's okay. It happens all the time, it's just a part of giving birth. We're going to go upstairs now, and the nurses are going to get us settled into a room. And then we'll see about getting you an epi once the doctor sees where we're at, okay?"
Gail nodded, and Holly stood and motioned to the orderly that she'd push her girlfriend. Used to such a request, the orderly just stepped to the side.
"Follow me," he said, and they did.
There have been moments in her life that Holly considered memorable.
Coming out to her parents. Graduating from medical school. Falling in love with Gail.
But nothing compared to today.
For the rest of her life, Holly knew, she would remember this day. She would remember the feel of her hand in Gail's as the woman struggled through contraction after contraction, the look on Gail's face as she pushed, as she bore down and worked to bring her child into the world.
The sound of the baby's first cry, the way Gail's head fell back onto the bed in relief and joy when the doctor announced "It's a girl."
The way her heart near to burst when Gail told the doctor that Holly should cut the cord. The cool feel of the scissors in her gloved hands, the warm pulsing of the baby's umbilical cord under her palm.
How the little girl felt in her arms, face wiped clean but otherwise still covered in blood and amniotic fluid, wrapped loosely in a blanket. The look in Gail's eyes as Holly gently laid the baby in her arms, as she saw her daughter for the first time.
For the rest of her life, Holly knows, she'll remember all of this with crystal clarity.
She kissed Gail's head, her wet, sweaty hair, and watched as the blonde bonded with her child.
Nothing, Holly knew, would ever be more beautiful than this.
Eventually the nurses took the baby away to clean her up, and then Gail delivered the placenta and got cleaned up herself. Holly made the important phone calls, letting people know when and where, what sex and how big and how long, how many fingers, toes. She knew she sounded exhausted, but she hoped they all heard how happy, how absolutely in love she was as well.
She had no idea what the future held. Not for her, not for Gail, not for the baby. But she knew that she would love them both for the rest of her life. She would love them and care for them for the rest of her life.
It empowering, this kind of love. This knowing that your heart is no longer yours, not at all. To love with everything you are and everything you will be.
Empowering.
Beautiful.
Perfect.
By the time she was finished making calls, and, yes, having a little happy cry to herself, Gail and the baby were both cleaned up and only a single nurse remained.
"Hey," the blonde said, looking up from the child in her arms, "you let everyone know?"
"Mmmhmm," Holly answered, "your folks and Steve, Traci, Oliver, and Andy. They said they'd pass on the word to everyone else. You'll probably have some visitors early this evening, but they'll hold off and let you get some rest first."
Gail nodded, her eyes heavy. "Come sit," she said, and patted the bed at her side.
Holly did. The bed was soft, and reminded her of how little sleep they got last night, and how early they were up.
"So," Gail said, "I didn't get a chance to do this before, but now's as good a time as any." She handed Holly a plastic hospital bracelet, identical to the one she and the baby are wearing.
"Gail," Holly asked.
"And you should sign this," Gail continued, reaching for a piece of paper next to the Styrofoam cup on the bedtable. She passed it to Holly. "I already wrote your name in, and asked the nurse here to stick around and witness it."
It was the birth certificate.
Remy Amanda, it read. Born 14 February 2017. 6 pounds, 9 ounces. 20 inches long. Parent A: Gail Alexandra Peck.
And there, under Parent B, in Gail's messy hand, Holly Mae Stewart.
All it needed was her signature.
"Gail," Holly asked, her hands shaking.
"Happy Valentine's Day," Gail said, her eyes nervous but her smile wide.
"Gail," the brunette asked again, the coming tears plain in her voice.
"I love you, stupid," the other woman said, still smiling, "I love you and this baby, our baby, loves you. She knows your touch. She knows your voice. She would kick up a storm whenever she could hear you, and calm down whenever you would put your hand on my belly."
Gail reached over to cup her palm around Holly's face, to brush away the tears that had gathered there.
"I spent my whole pregnancy wishing you were there with me, Lunchbox, from the moment I decided to have a baby up until the day I opened my door and found you on my porch," she said. "There you were, asking for a second chance, asking if there was any room in my heart for you. Like you had no idea that you'd never left it. I'm not asking you to marry me because honestly, I'm done with that shit. I'm asking you to be our daughter's mom, no matter what happens between you and I in the future. Whether we're together for the rest of our lives or not, I'm asking you to be her mom. Because I love you, and she loves you, and you're the only person I've ever wanted on that form."
The baby—Remy—squirmed and Gail rocked her gently, not letting go of Holly's hand as she did.
Holly ignored the tears streaming down her face as she nodded and picked up the pen to sign her name.
And then the nurse, quietly standing in the corner, moved forward to sign her own name on the witness line.
"Okay, mom," she said, "hold out your wrist and let me get your bracelet on—they're not going to let you bring the baby to and from the nursery without it."
She fastened the thin slip of plastic around Holly's wrist and smiled.
"Congratulations, you two have a beautiful daughter," she said, taking the signed birth certificate with her as she left the room, leaving the new family to be together.
"I love you, Gail," Holly said softly, fingers of her free hand tickling gently at the baby's blankets—at her daughter's blankets.
Gail smiled. "I know," she said, "I've always known."
"And I want to be with you—I don't need a marriage either, Gail, but I want to be with you and … and our daughter, and be a family together. There's no one else for me, Gail. There hasn't been since the day we met. It's just been you."
Gail smiled sleepily. "Good," she said, "tomorrow you should see what it will take to break your lease and start moving the rest of your things into the house. But right now," she yawned, "you should help me scoot over and then hold your daughter while I nap."
Holly gingerly helped the woman she loved move over just a little bit, every movement slow and careful, before slipping back into the hospital.
"Here," Gail said, handing the bundled baby over, "she'll be hungry again soon, the nurse said, but until then I'm just going to rest for a little while."
Then Gail lay back against the bed, and shifted just the slightest, to her side, to cuddle into Holly.
"You know," Holly said quietly, "I'll never be able to top this Valentine's gift. You've set the bar pretty high there, Officer Peck."
Gail smirked, though she didn't open her eyes. "You'll figure something out, nerd" she said, the words fading as she drifted off to sleep.
Holly smiled, her whole body light with love, and looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms.
"Hello, Remy," she whispered, "I'm your mom. Happy birthday."