Last time on Sweet Nothingness, the Organization's tenth-anniversary dinner banquet was disrupted by a couple of apples and a steam locomotive, which disgorged a Wandering Juggalo, and worse yet, a Self-Insert of the Author! The Organization successfully forced the Demon back onto his train as it withdrew, and then moved to leave the dining hall so that Xemnas could totally obliterate it. To their misfortune, however, the Self-Insert pulled some Looney Tunes crap and appeared on the other side of the exit door. That sassy tool even bit into an apple and dropped an irreverent "What's up Doc" to lampshade all of the Bugs Bunny-ing he was going to get up to in the near future. And the future starts today! Welcome to Chapter 2 of Sweet Nothingness, picking up where we left off with our despicable Author and his fourteen woefully unprepared victims.
"AHH!" Demyx screamed girlishly, "Axel, quick, kill it with fire!"
Axel, who had backpedaled away from the door to open some proper chakram-throwing space, countered, "Authors aren't like Freddy, they're like Jason. You have to kill them with water! So get to it, Dem!"
"What?! No way," Demyx protested.
"No, wait, it's like The Exorcist!" exclaimed Xigbar, "Quick, Vexen and Zexion, go dress up as priests! Larxene, rotate your head three-hundred-and-sixty degrees and spit green vomit in his face! Marluxia, go get some garlic!"
"Number Two, you're not remembering that movie right," said Zexion, "And garlic is for vampires, not demons. And he's not even possessing anyone."
"And I would never grow that putrid-smelling bulb in my garden," added Marluxia with a huff.
"He's possessing our universe!" cried out Xigbar, "That's what a Self-Insert is! A demonic possession of canon!"
"What about cannons?" asked Roxas, who was having a really hard time following what was going on.
Skaz had finished his apple by now and chucked the core into a conveniently nearby Trashcan of Oblivion, and then pulled a Faygo Moon Mist out of nowhere and quaffed a hearty draught. He belched, and said, "Y'all being racist as shit right now, you know that?"
"A Self-Insert is not akin to demonic possession," said Zexion.
"They're more like cancer, in need of being cut out," agreed Lexaeus, raising his Skysplitter.
"Must we resort to violence?" asked Skaz, "Can we not learn to get along and live in chaos and discord?" Fourteen Nobodies readied their weapons in response. "Alright, have it your way…but I must warn you, I brought minions of my own to this soiree."
Reaching behind his back, he produced a mason jar full of gray goop. "Uh…wuzzat?" asked Xigbar, who had a bad feeling about the goop. A purely intellectual bad feeling, that is.
"It's a jar full of Abstract," replied Skaz with a devilish grin that made the one secretly genuinely emotional person in the Organization (hint, his name rhymes with Sock's Ass) shiver involuntarily.
"What's Abstract?" asked Sock's–I mean, Roxas.
"An adjective describing something as being only loosely defined or open to interpretation," said Vexen immediately.
"It can also be a noun, synonymous with summary or outline," added Zexion.
"Or a verb, meaning to reduce a subject to its simplest description," contributed Lexaeus.
"Wait, how many letters are in 'abstract'?" asked Xaldin.
"Um…eight?" replied Zexion.
"So that was the answer to 14 Down in last week's crossword!" exclaimed the Whirlwind Lancer.
"Under any other circumstance you'd all be right," said Skaz, drumming his fingers on the lid of his jar, "But in this case, you're all wrong. Except Xaldin. The Abstract, with a capital A, is the primordial ooze of storytelling, and it is the manipulation of this substance that gives we Authors our immense and limitless powers. But to keep this story interesting, I decided I needed to put an ironclad limiter on my power, so what you see before you is not a full-fledged Self-Insert. I am, in fact, one step below a True Self-Insert. I'm actually an Author Avatar. That's why this story is written in a third-person narrative; I'm acting as if I were an actual character in this story, while my true self is acting as the narrator. To do this, I had to relinquish my own ability to manipulate the Abstract. Instead, I'll be using these jars of Distilled Essence of Abstract as proxy weapons. Succinctly put, releasing the Abstract from these specially designed and enchanted containment cells–"
"You mean mason jars," Marluxia pointed out drolly.
"Magical containment cells. Upon release, the Abstract will become an Anybody. Which is to say, it will absorb vibrations from the polydimensional morphic resonation field of the omniverse to take on the form and attributes of a randomly selected entity."
"So in other words, an Anybody could literally be anybody?" asked Vexen, the only person who had completely understood Skaz's inane Star Trek quality techno-babble.
"Yessir."
"Like, you could get anything from a Magikarp to Superman?" asked Xigbar.
"More or less, yeah."
"You're using what is essentially a game of chance as your primary means of self-defense?" asked Xemnas.
"Yeppers."
Everyone was silent for a moment as they absorbed this knowledge and pondered what it could mean about this strange invader. Most of them silently reached the not-completely-baseless conclusion that he was totally out of his gourd. Luxord, however, was the first to break the silence by saying, "I like the cut of this man's jib."
"I am a Discordian, after all. Chaos is about the only thing I have any faith in," explained Skaz. "So take this as your last warning; accept my totally benign desire to hang with you peeps, or we play the ultimate gamble with this here jar–magical containment cell, I mean."
"Assuming that he's telling the truth, the odds that the Abstract will yield anything powerful enough to defeat the fourteen of us all at the same time are astronomical," said Saïx confidently.
"Oh please," said Skaz with an eye roll, "I can name fifty people strong enough to TPK you guys just off the top of my head."
"TPK?" asked Xemnas.
"That'd be a Total Party Kill, boss man," explained Xigbar.
Xemnas seemed to think it over, and then he asked, "Number Seven, what exactly are the odds of him getting an Anybody powerful enough to pose a significant threat to us collectively?"
"Roughly 1 in 7,458,275,945,368.7777777777777772," replied Saïx after several seconds of intense thought, and me punching in more-or-less-random numbers on the keyboard. Shh.
"I like those odds," commented Luxord.
"You'd like those odds even if they were yours," put in Xaldin.
"He's not wrong," Luxord admitted.
"In that case," said Xemnas, "Organization XIII…ATTACK!"
"You made me do this!" Skaz wailed as he popped the top off of his magical mason jar and up-ended it. The Abstract, apparently much less viscous than it appeared, quickly slipped out and splattered all over the floor. The Organization halted in mid-charge and stared at the bubbling visceral goop for a moment, each of them wondering what it could possibly yield and all of them hoping it would be something within their league. Then the Abstract began swelling up, contorting into shape and bubbling all over in a vaguely humanoid form. Then, from nowhere, a jazzy-sounding, low-key and simple but very catchy piano piece started up as the goo began melting away. First, a wide-brimmed red fedora appeared; then a pale, bishounen face with amber-tinted sunglasses, and then a red coat became visible. Those in the Organization who kept up on their seinen anime felt very strong 'memories' of dread rising up within them as the last of the Abstract faded away from the newcomer's boots.
"Oh, come on. Really?" asked Larxene, "We get Goddamn Alucard right out of the gate?"
"Hold on," said Marluxia, "We might be in luck. He said an Anybody acquires the attributes of the entity it emulates; andAlucard only obeys the orders of his mistress, Sir Integra–"
"Now see, that's where I'm gonna have to stop you," cut in Alucard, speaking not in the dry-ice-cool and smexy voice of Crispin Freeman, but rather the possibly more bodacious voice of Curtis "Takahata101" Arnott, "See…I would be the Abridged version of Alucard, so…y'all gonna get fucked up." Then he spilt open a slasher grin and began laughing maniacally. "But hey, I'm a fair guy; you plucky bastards deserve a handicap. So…I'll give you all one free shot. See if you non-existent wimps can blow me away," he said magnanimously, spreading his arms out wide.
Saïx turned to Xemnas, "Shall we go all-out, Superior?"
"Yes, all-out will do," agreed Xemnas. He raised his hand, "Organization XIII, here are your orders: NO HOLDS BARRED! RELEASE YOUR FINAL LIMIT BREAKS!" he roared as he swung his hand down. Simultaneously the entire Organization, himself included, were bombarded by lasers beams that did just enough damage to let them all use their respective Limit Breaks.
"EVENT HORIZON!" Roxas and Xion shouted in tandem; they took turns, first Roxas wielding the Keyblade and slashing away at Alucard while Xion repeatedly blasted him with pillars of light, and then they switched places.
"VOLTIC RUSH!" screamed Larxene, coating herself in lightning and rapidly assaulting Alucard with light-speed slashes.
"BLOOM-OUT!" cried out Marluxia, charging up a black ring around himself before teleporting behind Alucard and quickly tearing him to pieces with Graceful Dahlia.
"JACKPOT!" announced Luxord. Unfortunately he got the crosses and both of his cards blew up in his face. "Ah, bugger," he lamented.
"WAVE GIGS!", "EXPLOSION!", "BERSERK!" hollered Demyx, Axel, and Saïx respectively.
"METEOR MIRAGE!", "AYERS ROCK!", "DIAMOND DUST!" added Zexion, Lexaeus, and Vexen.
Xaldin released his "DRAGOON STORM!" and Xigbar used his "CRITICAL SNIPE!"
"ALL-VANITY!" bellowed Xemnas so loudly and hammishly that he almost drowned out everyone else's shouts. He aimed both of his laser blasts into the Vampire King's body.
Altogether it was an impressive display of power. Unfortunately, since they all used their Limit Breaks at the same time, those of them whose Limit Break included melee attacks got caught in the crossfire. In fact, the combined energy focused on one target was so great that it backlashed and struck those whose Limit Breaks where wholly ranged attacks as well. All except for Xemnas, who was protected by his barrier.
When it was over, Marluxia dragged Larxene away from the steaming puddle that was all that remained of Alucard. The Graceful Assassin shook his head at Xemnas's smug expression. "It's no use, Superior. This one cannot be defeated by mere overwhelming force." Xemnas raised an eyebrow at this statement, finding such a thing hard to believe.
Then the Ominous Latin Chanting started up, and from out of his steaming puddle arose the Vampire King, rapidly reconstructing himself from shadowy matter. "Well, that was exhilarating," said Alucard as soon as he had a mouth to speak with, "I can't even remember the last time I've had my shit wrecked that thoroughly. But now," he drew Casull and Jackal from within his coat, "It's my turn~"
And on that day, at that moment, fourteen Nobodies collectively shit bricks.
"So…no hard feelings, right?" asked Skaz as he tended to the injuries of his unwilling hosts. The Alucard-Anybody had long since faded back into the immaterial Abstract, the entire Organization was laid up in the infirmary with multiple gunshot wounds, and Skaz was wearing a nurse outfit. Not the kind that real-live nurses wear, but the sexy Halloween-costume variety that nurses used to wear. Why would a proudly masculine man dress this way, you ask? Because it's funny, and because fuck societal definitions of gender-appropriate garb, that's why. But anyways, yeah, they were all messed up pretty bad. Basically the only reason they were still alive was because they all had Plot Armor. "I mean, it was strictly self-defense, you know?" Skaz continued.
"As soon as we recover, we will oust you from our domain," said Xemnas solemnly.
"Oh come on! Trust me, you guys, we're all going to have loads of fun together. It's gonna be awesome!" Skaz promised with a cheerful, slightly psychotic-looking smile.