Various Storms & Saints
Part Two
A/N: Sorry this one took a bit to get up but thank you all for being interested and still reading!
Summary: The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.
'And people just untie themselves, uncurling lifelines.
If you could just forgive yourself'
You wonder why it always comes back to sex with Liam - you wonder why this always seems to be what threatens to tear your friendship apart (you guess it's probably past the point of friendship by now, but there's no name for this weird in between space you've both been lingering in).
You know two years ago you caused immense damage when you neglected Amy's feelings and confession with those four words. And yeah, you know Amy's betrayal shredded your trust into pieces you weren't sure you'd be able to fit back together (but you did somehow).
Still, you're worried this time might be the last straw because this time was different.
This time isn't just about your friendship - this time is significant because you were both standing on the precipice of something more. You weren't just stepping off the edge together, you were leaping and falling into the unknown, but for once it felt like if you both just held tight things would finally sort themselves out.
But you've fucked that up gloriously due to your inability to not be able to go three hundred and sixty five calendar days without letting Amy down.
"Amy, please just talk to me," you're following her through the maze of motels, begging for her to just give you two seconds. But two seconds for what? To explain? What are you even going to say that's going to make even the slightest bit of sense?
She's ignoring you entirely.
And sure, you deserve it, but you're so ridiculously dependent on her attention now (as if you weren't already) that you feel like you're going to fall apart completely if she doesn't just turn around. So, you pick up the pace and try for her wrist again - this is apparently as big of a mistake as it was less than an hour ago.
"Stay the fuck away from me, Karma," she spits out, angrily, as she finally stops and looks at you. She's never really sounded like that before and you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past this or if this is the only version of Amy you'll know from now on.
You lick your lips and try to will away the lump in your throat. "Please-" but you have to cut yourself off when you hear the crack in your voice.
You need to get it the fuck together.
"Please, what? Please talk to you? Why don't you go talk to Liam, he told me all about your night together, Karma."
"It was a mistake."
And it's as simple and as fucking complicated as that.
Amy scoffs and glances at the sky for a brief second before she looks at you - you know you're the only one who can see past that anger and see just how much she's hurting underneath it all. It kind of takes your breath away when it really hits you that you're responsible for the pain in her eyes - the same eyes that looked at you full of love just hours before this very moment.
"A mistake?" she finally says with this dangerous lilt to her voice. "A mistake is taking a wrong turn, a mistake is buying the wrong size shirt - sneaking Liam fucking Booker in through your mom's side window and fucking him after I went to bed is not a mistake - that is a choice," she pauses, sucks in a breath, and can't look at you when she says, "Lying to my face when I asked you for the truth was a choice."
She's not wrong.
That's the worst part, she's one hundred percent right - lying to her was a conscious choice you made to try to avoid this entire scenario. You remember your mom reminding you that honesty is always the way to go. She told you just being an adult and admitting your mistakes would always be the better option (you were six at the time and being an adult sounded so much more appealing than it does at right now).
"Jesus, Karma, at least sophomore year you had the fucking decency to tell me. And it might have sucked but at least it wasn't a fucking lie."
Her words strike you forcefully.
Are you somehow regressing?
You decide to go with a big chunk of the truth. "I didn't want to hurt you."
She gives you this kind of strangled laugh that you know means she doesn't believe a word of what you just said. And yeah, that causes more pain than you know you have the right to feel at this exact moment.
"Did you really not think this would hurt?" she sniffles and runs her fingers under her eyes to catch any running mascara. You wonder when your Amy became this adult who worries about her makeup – then you wonder if you'll even be allowed to see Amy as an adult since she might just revoke your privileges entirely after tonight.
"I didn't-"
"Oh," and then something registers as she focuses on you. "God, I'm stupid. You never thought I'd find out, right?" she sounds like it's already over, but then she completely breaks you when she adds, "I can't believe I was so dumb to think we finally figured this out."
And then she's gone.
You wander the unfamiliar area for the better part of two hours hoping to catch a glimpse of the blonde hair that you know as well as your own. It stands to reason she wouldn't make herself visible. You can barely grasp the fact that Amy might never want to hold you again; you may never hear her heart beat against your ear as you lay against her chest after a night of promises whispered in between rushed touches.
You never took the time to fully appreciate how being with Amy felt because you never assumed it'd all be ripped out from underneath you. You thought you'd have time to eventually be able to focus on the fire she ignited every time she stepped into your personal space; it's the same fire she's been starting for years, but you'd always ignored it and pushed it to a place inside yourself that you rarely acknowledged. How can it be that even at eighteen years old there's still a part of you that remains so unknown and hidden from the world? Sure, you know you were naive and lost two years ago, but you swore by now you'd understand so much more of yourself than you do. Yet, here you are, Karma Aschroft, the champion of belated self-discovery.
You heave a sigh. You don't really deserve Amy.
It's not going to stop you from begging for her forgiveness. It's sure as hell not going to stop you from continuing this search. At the bottom of all of this, Amy is your best friend and you ache for a time when your friendship wasn't so fucked from all of your failings. You've fallen so short of what Amy needed you to be - and all she ever really needed was your loyalty.
And it's not that you're not loyal - you've been loyal to Amy to a fault because you love her so much your heart actually aches with the sheer intensity of it. You can't even recall a time in your life that your heart and mind didn't belong to her. The love you have for Amy, you know, is something rare and special. Amy is special and you should've fucking realized it before you destroyed her.
Again.
She's the first and only person that's ever caused completely counteractive emotions to erupt from within you. You're not even sure if it's possible for just the warmth of her body against yours to simultaneously bring such a state of peace and such a rush of chaos to your insides. From what you remember of your science courses you're quite certain your body shouldn't be able to speed up and slow down - but that's precisely how you feel around her.
It's how you've always felt around her.
You spent a long time thinking the feelings she evoked within you were some kind of normal - like that was how everyone felt about their best friend.
You were proven so terribly wrong.
You hear Amy before you see her, and you follow the sound around a corner to find her huddled against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest. She looks so fucking small and broken, and there's no part of it that isn't your fault.
There's not really anything you can think of to say that's going to even start to make her understand (and if you're honest, most days, you barely even understand why you make such stupid decisions).
"Please go away," she begs as her voice cracks.
And you really should go away like she asked but instead you say, "I'm not leaving you like this, Amy."
"You're just making it worse."
You frown and watch her staring blankly at the pavement beneath you both. You were never supposed to be the one that made it worse; you've always been what's made it better for her. Your throat feels tight and you know you have no right to cry, but you do it anyway.
Amy never turns her head, even though you know from the way her shoulders tense that she hears your tears.
It could be minutes or it could be hours that you sit there against the wall in the dimly lit corner of the motel not speaking. You wish she'd say something because the silence somehow feels worse than all of her angered words.
"Why'd you do it?" you finally hear her ask in a small voice. You don't even get to answer before she's speaking again. "Was I not good enough?"
You find yourself pulling string from the hem of your dress – it's something of a metaphor for your life, how easily such an intricate pattern can unravel. You want to just reach out and hug her to take some of the pain you've caused, but nothing about this is going to be that easy.
Finally you formulate some words and look over, "You are so much better than good enough," she finally meets your eyes and you gain some small spark of confidence that maybe you can get through to her. "I don't know why I did it," you say with a sigh. "I was stupid and as soon as it was over I just felt like throwing up because it felt so wrong. He's not who I want."
She's quiet for a few moments. "I can't – I just don't understand. You say you want me… you sleep with me and you act like we're together but you can't stay the fuck away from him. I can't do this, Karma. I don't trust you anymore and I don't know how I'm supposed to fix that."
You clench your fists until you know your nails have left marks in the skin on your palms – of all the things she could say, the lack of trust is what hurts the most. How can you claim to be best friends if she no longer trusts you? Friendships are built on trust and that no longer exists in your world because you shattered all the trust she granted you into a million pieces. Amy doesn't trust a lot of people – most of that stems from her own issues with her dad's abandonment when she was young – but she has always unfailingly trusted you.
"You don't trust me?" you echo her words, like maybe you misheard or she made some sort of mistake.
"How can I?" she finally says, quietly.
You clear your throat to try to add something to this conversation that's going to help your cause when Amy's phone goes off, startling you both. You can see the text from Lauren warning you both that the chaperones are about to bust you being out of your room past curfew.
"We have to go in."
"What about us?"
"There is no us, Karma, don't you get that? Apparently, there never was," the finality in her voice sends shivers down your spine and she walks to your door without ever sparing a glance back at you.
Even when you were little Amy always looked for you. Amy was always the one person who made sure to notice you when no one else seemed to really care. She always made sure the bus for your school trips didn't leave you in the bathroom, she always made sure you had a partner in science class in elementary school, she always made sure you had someone to walk to class with through high school. It's the first time in your entire friendship that you can remember Amy not looking back for you.
It's the first time you're really starting to wonder if this really is the end.
You catch her at the door. "Where do you want me to sleep?"
"Wherever you want. Don't go taking my feelings into consideration now." She's cold and this is not your Amy but you don't bother with defending yourself.
"If I sleep on the floor Lauren's gonna know something's wrong-"
"I could really give two fucks about who knows what anymore. I'm sure we'll be on the front page of the school newspaper by the time we get back, regardless," she pushes past you into the room, and is in bed with her eyes closed before you can even close the door behind you. You're at least ninety percent sure Lauren and Lisbeth are just faking sleep to let you save face – you never thought you'd be so grateful.
So, your heart feels like it's exploding into a million little particles when you finally lay down and Amy makes no move to acknowledge you at all. You remember being in this bed less than twenty four hours ago with your arms wrapped around her waist under the comforter. You remember your legs being intertwined and Amy swatting away your cold feet. It seems a lot like something you vividly imagined now that you're staring at the back of her head.
Hours go by before you accept that sleep probably just isn't in the cards for you tonight. You're fairly certain Amy isn't really asleep either but at this point you're really not expecting anything from her. You wonder how it's going to be to go back to Austin and explain to your parents that they won't be seeing Amy around the house anymore. You wonder what your Friday nights are going to be like alone or what your Netflix queue is going to look like without all her dorky documentaries taking up the first three pages. Losing Amy is going to be so much more than just losing the person you text every morning – Amy makes up so much of your day to day life and you're maybe only just realizing what a big part of your life is going to suddenly be missing if Amy never forgives you.
You let a breath escape your lips and that's when you feel the vibrations from the sobs she's trying so hard to keep under wraps. You feel fucking terrible that her tears are making you feel a little bit better – but you feel like sadness is at least an emotion you can deal with because the wall of anger wasn't going to get you anywhere.
"Amy…" you're careful to keep your voice low to avoid waking Lauren and Lisbeth even though you're mentally cursing them for existing in this room right now.
She swats at your unwanted hands and when you boldly try to move a little closer she launches herself towards the bathroom. It's a good plan but you were anticipating it and you're on her heels until there's no way she can close the bathroom door without letting you in. So, yeah, it was probably kinda shitty to basically force this entire interaction but what else could you possibly do? There was no way she was gonna let you in and there's no way you're going back home without fighting for this – for her.
"Can't we just talk?"
"What else is there to say?" you can make out her silhouette sitting on the toilet with her head in her hands and you can't bear to turn on the light.
You kneel down in front of her and lay your hands on her knees – her jeans are wet from the tears escaping her hands and you're suddenly glad you left the room dark because you know you wouldn't get two words out if you could actually see her crying.
"That I'm sorry," and then it occurs to you that it took you this long to apologize. What the fuck is wrong with you? "Amy, I am so sorry and I know that doesn't fix it but I am. I should've never done it but I should've – I could've told you the truth," her tears drip across your knuckles and you'd do anything to take it all back. "I was lonely that night and he was there and I just… I thought I'd feel more. I guess part of me wanted to see if I still felt anything for him because being with him would be…"
You wait to see if she'll respond to any of what you're saying but her shoulders just heave as she tries to stay as quiet as she can. At this point you have nothing to lose, you might as well just keep going.
"Being with him would be normal. I've spent my whole life just wanting something normal after my parents and Zen and having to pretend to be a lesbian to even get noticed sophomore year. I just, for once, wanted to feel normal and I was hoping because I felt something for him before that it'd still be there. I wanted the fairytale-"
"You don't think I know that?" you're surprised but grateful to hear her say something. You'll take anything you can get. "We've been best friends since we were five years old, I know what you want. I know Liam fits the mold and I don't and I've just been…" she pauses to collect herself but not once has she lifted her head up to try to see you. "I've been waiting for this. I've been waiting for you to realize that you and I don't fit in your master plan but I thought we were better than… this."
"We are," your words are rushed and hurried because she has this all wrong. "Ames, you do fit. We fit. We always have. What we have is the fairytale – I just didn't see it because I'm stupid and I'm sorry it took me being with Liam to realize that he doesn't even make me feel a tenth of what I feel when I'm with you."
"Yeah, but what if next time it's not Liam. It's some other cute boy that comes along and says a few nice things and makes you feel wanted," it's finally sinking in that Amy really doesn't trust you and her words hurt because she underestimates everything you feel for her.
She sits further back on the toilet seat to distance herself and you stand to start pacing; you're grasping at straws to try to regain some control over it all.
"Do you think that lowly of me that you think I go running to anyone who's nice to me? I'm not sixteen anymore and I know what I want." But she's shaking her head and pulling away and you're getting so frustrated that your emotions are just bubbling out involuntarily that you burst into unwanted tears and Amy finally looks at you. "Amy, god, I fucked up but I promise you no one loves you as much as I do. I'm so in love with you that and I feel so much for you that it scares me every day and that fear led me to make a mistake that I'd take back in a heartbeat but I can't. But… it made me realize how much I don't want anyone but you… I've spent basically my entire life with you so far and I don't even want to picture the rest of it without you. Please forgive me – please just let me make it up to you-"
Her lips on yours catch you one hundred percent off guard but are such a welcome surprise. The kiss is kind of rough and you can feel her pouring all her anger into the way she bites your lip - Amy's not usually so forceful and you're almost nervous that this isn't leading you down the trail of forgiveness. But then she pauses and it feels like there's a shift in the air around you when she does.
Yeah, you're starting to worry and you can't help but fidget when she won't meet your eyes. "Amy?"
When she leans back in it's so much softer and it's the kind of gentle you're sure she's never granted to anyone else. She tastes like salt and chocolate chip cookies you know she got out of the vending machine around the corner and you can't help but smile, just a little.
She pulls back and the bathroom's still dark but your eyes are pretty much adjusted by now. "This isn't – things aren't magically better and I'm going to need time to trust you again."
"I know. And I'll be here. I'll show you that you can," you've never really been more sure of anything in your entire life.
You wipe the leftover tears off her cheeks and kiss her gently before turning towards the door because all you really want is to hold her for the next two hours before the chaperones barge in and round you up for the flight home.
So, that's exactly what you do but this time she faces you and rests her forehead against yours and your heart skips like ten beats because you swore she was gone forever.
She's quiet for a few minutes and all you hear is her breathing and then she whispers, "I'm in love with you too – I always have been."
You're heart is so full with hope and love and yeah, it's hanging heavy with regret and you know it's going to take time but this feels like a fresh start because you're both finally being honest in a way you haven't been since those long nights spent riding bikes in the streets of Austin before boys and high school and faking it.
"We're gonna be okay?" you mostly just need the reassurance at this point because you're still stressed from the hours you spent watching your entire life fall apart.
She nods and pulls you closer.
"We're gonna be okay."