A/N: Yay, fast update! Boo, I haven't started on Chapter 3 yet. But spring break is coming up, so I should have some time to work on it then. Thanks so much to everyone reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. :)

Warnings: Angst

Chapter 2
Silent Valediction

Logan's forehead pressed against the surface of the restaurant table as he tiredly listened to James and Carlos engage in a game of I-Spy. Kendall had been in the restroom for almost ten minutes, so the boys decided to pass the time with more games. Unfortunately, Carlos was terrible at figuring out what yellow object James was referring to.

"Uh, the sun?" Carlos guessed.

James shook his head. "It's nighttime."

"Okay, um… Butter?"

"Carlos," James sighed, "it has to be something in this room. That's why the game is called I-Spy."

"Oh." Carlos put a hand on his chin and surveyed the interior of the eatery. His brown eyes suddenly lit up. "The mustard bottle!" he cried with a snap of his fingers.

"You already guessed that," Logan mumbled, not lifting his head. "Twice."

Carlos crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, there's nothing else that's yellow in here."

Logan was usually a fairly patient guy. He had to be, considering he hung out with Carlos and James. And it was times like this that made him flash back to spending long hours in his bedroom, assisting Carlos with his algebra and James with his chemistry. During those study sessions, Kendall was never allowed to come over, because though his intentions were to help, he often became a distraction to the two boys. Even without Kendall, Logan would occasionally have to separate Carlos and James - who no doubt had some sort of attention deficit problem - by means of a cardboard barricade.

"Try looking in front of you," Logan finally told Carlos as the Latino continued to be stumped on locating the color yellow.

Carlos looked down, eyes scanning over the table. He pointed to a scuff mark etched into the grain of the wood. "This little line? It's kind of yellow."

"Oh, it's a French fry!" Logan exclaimed, snapping up and tossing a hand in the air.

Carlos's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, I see." He smiled. "Good one, James."

James nodded his head, smirking knowingly.

Logan's irritation melted at the sight of his friends' faces, and he broke out into a loud laugh. With Carlos and James giving him a strange look, Logan picked up the aforementioned fry and stuck it into his mouth. He only had a few more left to eat. Carlos had finished the remainder of Logan's burger for him, and James had devoured his food during the time Kendall was in the restroom.

James sprawled out on the booth, propping his legs up in Kendall's empty seat. He patted his belly. "Well, I'm full," he sighed contentedly.

Carlos shrugged. "I think I'm still hungry."

Logan poked Carlos in the side. "You're like a bottomless pit."

"I know," said Carlos, seeming to take it as a compliment. He gave Logan a nudge with his elbow. "Let me out so I can order a shake."

Logan complied, standing to let Carlos crawl out from the booth. He sat back down and watched the Latino bounce up to the front counter, digging in his back pocket for his wallet.

James exhaled an impatient breath, drumming his fingertips against the table. "Kendall's taking forever."

Logan gazed at the half-eaten cheeseburger on Kendall's plate, which had likely gone cold. The blond really had been in the bathroom for a while; Logan hoped he was feeling alright. A few years ago Kendall hid being sick from the guys, as he figured falling ill was 'for the weak', or something stupid like that. It was frightening when the boys were in the middle of hockey practice and Kendall collapsed on the ice from overexertion. But Kendall had seemed fine on the walk to Fun Burger, so Logan assumed his friend was merely suffering from an upset stomach.

Carlos sauntered back over to the table a moment later holding a chocolate shake in a to-go cup. Too lazy to get up, Logan shuffled to the side and took Carlos's previous spot against the wall, letting Carlos take a seat at the edge of the booth. He happily sipped on his drink, round cheeks puffed out and looking like a giddy four-year-old.

Logan looked up when he noticed Kendall finally emerge from the restroom. He walked stiffly, eyes fixed on the floor. James straightened up and made room for Kendall to take his seat, narrowing his eyes when he observed the strange way Kendall moved.

"Feeling okay?" Logan asked when Kendall plopped down. Kendall immediately folded his hands in his lap, gaze remaining downcast. Even Carlos stopped slurping his shake when Kendall failed to give a direct answer.

"Kendall," Logan said again.

Kendall glanced up at Logan for half a second, but it was long enough for Logan to see that his friend's face was completely ashen, and glistening beads of sweat dotted his forehead. Kendall weakly shrugged his shoulders, then tugged at the sleeves of his jacket as he shivered.

There was a short pause as the three boys shared looks with each other, silently wondering if they should press on. Carlos was the one to speak next. "You going to eat that?"

Kendall didn't seem to hear him. He turned his head a bit to the side and briefly closed his eyes. The bell over the door to the restaurant jingled, alerting Logan to the two men who had just exited. He barely noticed them walk by, as his attention was solely on his clearly distressed friend.

"Hey," said James.

Kendall opened his eyes.

"Gonna eat the rest of your food?" Carlos asked a second time, reaching out to snag a fry from Kendall's plate anyway.

Kendall murmured something in a low voice. Logan inclined forward to hear. "What?"

The blond abruptly stood. "We're leaving," he declared. He sidestepped to get out of the booth, then turned his head to look out the restaurant window.

Logan, James and Carlos remained in place, confusedly staring at the boy on his feet. Kendall whipped around to them, slamming a fist on the table when no one moved. "I said, we're leaving."

James jumped, Logan yelped, and Carlos nearly choked on his drink. Not wanting to anger Kendall further, Logan obediently fished around in his pocket for his billfold, slapping a ten dollar bill on the table. James took his money out slowly, his hazel orbs never leaving Kendall. Logan knew James could occasionally be defiant regarding an unfavorable decision made by Kendall, but the brown-haired boy kept his mouth shut and tossed some money next to his empty plate.

The three rose simultaneously. Kendall was already heading for the door, and it didn't take someone with a sharp eye to notice that his step was uneven due to trembling knees.

"What was that about?" Carlos whispered to Logan as the guys stepped outside. The sun hung low in the sky, and traffic on the streets had lightened considerably.

Logan shrugged. "Hey, Kendall," he said. "Are you going to puke or something?"

Kendall halted on the sidewalk. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, as if fumbling for words. Logan waited expectantly until, finally, Kendall replied, "Yeah, maybe."

James was by his side a moment later, concern lacing his words. "You going to make it home?" he asked. "Do you need us to call your mom? She's probably back by now."

Kendall pushed a hand through his blond hair, seeming flustered. "No. Let's go home."

He waited for Logan, James and Carlos to proceed forward before he continued walking as well, bringing up the rear of the group. Logan hoped Kendall didn't vomit, because the sound of someone else's stomach heaving always caused Logan to become nauseous himself. It was an unfortunate quality to possess, considering he planned to be a doctor someday.

"Let's play more BioHazard Blast when we get home," said Carlos before bringing the straw of his dessert to his mouth.

"Yeah, okay," Logan agreed. "James needs to redeem himself, anyway." He gave said friend a playful nudge to the side.

"Hey," James protested, "the game wasn't over. Me and Kendall still could have won if the oven hadn't started on fire." He rotated around. "Right, Kendall?"

Logan and Carlos both turned their bodies when Kendall said nothing. Logan half-expected to see his friend doubled over on the sidewalk being sick, but Kendall only seemed distracted. As the three boys stopped walking, Kendall kept moving until he smacked into James.

"Woah!" Kendall cried breathily. His hands flew out of his pockets and he leaped backwards, green eyes flashing in surprise.

"Dude, you okay?" James asked, raising an eyebrow at Kendall's odd behavior.

Kendall rubbed a hand over his chest, taking a few deep, calming breaths. Logan could see his hands shaking. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He brushed against James's shoulder as he pushed his way through his group of friends. "Keep walking."

Logan and Carlos looked at each other, wearing the same inquisitive expression. Logan jogged up to Kendall and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," he said, quietly. "Seriously, man. You alright?"

Kendall refused to meet his eyes. As the boys continued to pass buildings and shops on their way to the Palm Woods, Logan strained his ears over the traffic zooming by to the left. The rustling sound of paper against fabric came from Kendall. But Logan shrugged the suspicion off quickly, figuring it was nothing.

"I'm fine," Kendall murmured. "Just a little sick."

Carlos hopped up to Kendall's other side. "Maybe you ate too fast," he suggested. "I do that all the time."

"True," said Logan, "but eating too fast has no effect on your body. You've become immune."

Carlos shrugged. "Good point." He sucked loudly through his straw.

Kendall shuddered.

The members of Big Time Rush continued onward. Most of the stores and businesses they passed were closed for the night. The streets were beginning to dim as the sun sank below the horizon, and they all were aware that Mrs. Knight frowned upon them wandering about town at night.

Unconsciously picking up their pace, the boys arrived home in no time. Carlos tossed his empty cup into a trashcan in the lobby of the Palm Woods before the four stepped into the elevator. Logan watched Kendall closely on the ascension to the second floor, noting how he fidgeted uncomfortably and frequently swiped a hand across his glistening forehead. It was a mystery to Logan how Kendall's symptoms had manifested so rapidly. It chilled him to think that maybe this was the start of a horrible flu that would have Kendall debilitated for weeks.

But no. He was being ridiculous. That wasn't going to happen. Kendall would be fine; he always was.

The elevator chimed and the doors slid open. Kendall was the last of the four to shuffle out, muscles visibly tense. James found the apartment door unlocked and entered, greeting Kendall's mother, who was frowning in the kitchen.

"There you are," she said. "I was just about to call you."

Logan then noticed that Katie was standing beside her, a small smirk curving her lips. "What happened to the oven?" Kendall's sister wondered, gesturing to the black mess inside.

"They did it," Carlos accused.

"Did not," Logan snapped defensively. He sighed and softened his tone when he spoke to Mrs. Knight, who had her hands on her hips. "We tried to make some dinner, but got distracted and… well, the oven sort of started on fire. So we went to Fun Burger instead."

Mrs. Knight narrowed her eyes and stared at the four for several seconds. "Okay." She clapped her hands together and spun around, shutting the oven door with her hip. "Anyone still hungry?"

"Ooh, I am," Carlos said, eagerly racing to a spot at the table.

"Logan? James?"

James hummed and patted his stomach. "Ah, no thanks, Mrs. Knight. I'm still pretty full."

"Me too," replied Logan.

She rifled around in the refrigerator and spoke without looking up. "Kendall? Want me to make you something?"

It was not surprising when Kendall didn't hear her. He stood rigidly with his back pressed against the closed door of the apartment. "Sweetheart," Mrs. Knight said, eventually turning.

Kendall blinked and looked up. His eyes first landed on James, who remained near the table, then shifted to Carlos, who wore an expression of concern, then lastly to Logan, who stood just a few feet ahead. He closed his eyes and opened them slowly, making eye contact with his mother at long last. "No."

"Kendall's sick," Carlos blurted to Mrs. Knight.

In seconds she was gliding across the room with a digital thermometer she seemingly obtained from no where, forcibly sticking it into Kendall's mouth without time for him to protest. Mrs. Knight watched him intently as she awaited a beep signaling a temperature had been reached.

Logan stifled a laugh at the look on Kendall's face. The poor guy nearly went cross-eyed as he peered down at the stick poking out from under his nose. He reached up to either remove the thermometer or to adjust it, but Mrs. Knight gently slapped his hand away.

Seconds later an electronic ring was heard. Mrs. Knight snatched the device from underneath Kendall's tongue and tilted her head to read the display. "Hmm," she said, placing a motherly hand on his forehead. "You don't have a fever."

Logan raised his eyebrows in disbelief. Along the entire walk home Kendall was sweating yet occasionally shivering as if suffering through hot and cold flashes due to fever, not to mention his skin was pallid.

Kendall bucked up and offered his mother a light smile. "I think I'll go to bed."

Mrs. Knight leaned in to give her son a quick peck on the cheek. "Good idea. Do you need me to tuck you in, sweetie?"

From in the kitchen, Katie snickered. Even Logan fought away the urge to smirk.

"No," Kendall said. "I'm fine. Goodnight, Mom." He headed off towards the hall. "Night, guys."

"Night," Logan, Carlos, James and Katie replied in unison. As Kendall strode past, Logan swore he could hear the papery noise yet again.

"Carlos?" said Mrs. Knight, snapping Logan out of his thoughts. "Sandwich?"

Carlos bounced excitedly in his seat. "Yes, please!" He then gestured to James and Logan. "Then we have to continue our game. Katie can take over Kendall's spot."

"Cool," said Katie. "Who's my partner?"

"James."

Katie groaned. "Aw, come on! James is terrible."

James held out both hands, looking sincerely offended. "Hey, I am not!"

"Are too," Katie insisted. "I could beat you at that game when I was three."

"Yeah, that's just because I let you win," James said, a slight tinge of red creeping into his cheeks.

"Right," Logan drawled, chuckling. "So if you two play each other right now, you'll win?"

"That's right," James said, sticking his chin out in the air.

Carlos hopped up from the table and rushed into the living room. "Katie versus James! Loser is banned from videogames for a week."

"You're on." The ten-year-old crossed her arms over her chest. "What's the matter, James? Scared?"

"Yeah." James marched up to the coffee table and seized a controller. "Scared for you."

The battle had begun. Only minutes later Carlos was happily munching on a sandwich, Katie was forcing James to sign a legally binding contract stating that he was forbidden to even touch a gaming controller for seven whole days, and thoughts of Kendall had floated out of Logan's mind.

Kendall clutched a hand over his aching abdomen, feeling like he had swallowed a ball of lead. His stomach twisted and churned with a heavy, sinking sense of trepidation. Sweaty, shaky fingers raked through his already disheveled hair as he anxiously paced his bedroom floor.

This could not be happening.

Kendall's wobbly knees finally gave out. With a tiny gasp, he collapsed onto the floor, panting hard. He scooted on his bottom until his back was pressed firmly against the edge of his mattress. When Kendall felt the contact, he tightly shut his green eyes and balled his hands into fists, fingernails digging painfully into his clammy flesh. So many emotions coursed through him; it was too overwhelming. He was angry. Boiling with rage. Stunned and confused and wondering why. Why him? Not to mention he was so frightened that his rapidly thumping heart threatened to pop right out of his chest.

Kendall glanced up at his bedroom door, praying it would stay closed. James, Carlos and Logan always labeled Kendall as their fearless leader. The truth was, the things that gave them shivers usually scared Kendall, too. He just didn't let them see it. Kendall had become an expert at faking emotions, plastering a bright smile on his face to comfort Carlos after his fish died, or staying strong for James when he was convinced there was a serial killer in his basement, or masking disappointment to instead offer an encouraging pep talk when their hockey team was defeated in the semi-finals.

The guys thought nothing unnerved or upset Kendall, and he worked hard to keep it that way.

But this time was different. His usual calm, confident composure was gone. He was practically hugging his knees to his chest and wheezing like Logan when he freaks out and has a panic attack. If one of the guys walked in now, they would be shocked. They would be terrified.

Kendall lowered his head and rubbed at his eyes. He had to buck up. Had to calm down.

Taking a deep breath, Kendall used his trembling fingers to reach into his jacket pocket. The small manila envelope he revealed seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. Staring at the unmarked exterior, Kendall pulled himself up to sit on his knees. Hesitantly, the blond fiddled with the clasp. It took him several tries. When the top of the envelope was folded back, Kendall noted a thick stack of papers upon peering inside. Frowning, he emptied the contents onto the carpet in front of him.

He immediately located several photographs, as well as a type-written sheet of paper. Kendall let out a low groan, fighting away panic. He grabbed for a photo first, stomach flip-flopping when his fears came true. It was a picture of him and the guys walking through the Palm Woods parking lot. James had his mouth open, like he was talking to Logan, who was beside the taller boy with his hands stuffed into his pockets. Kendall's eyes were caught in mid-roll, his expression no doubt caused by Carlos, who was grinning goofily like he had just told a joke.

Kendall's breathing hitched in his throat. Eyes transfixed to the photo, he scanned every detail. He remembered that day. There was dark blotch on Logan's vest, caused by Carlos when he had flung a spoonful of Jell-O at Logan's chest earlier that morning. It had happened about a week ago. Eight days, actually, because the day Logan was assaulted by gelatin, Kendall remembered, was the same day Jo regretfully cancelled a date with him due to late shootings of her television show.

He breathed harder, quickly sifting through the pile of photos. He only glanced, searching for a snapshot of his girlfriend, his mother, Katie, or even Camille. Thankfully - yet strangely - the only bodies captured in the photographs were that of Big Time Rush.

A thick lump formed in Kendall's throat. There was a picture of James at Palm Woods park, one arm blurred as he reached out to catch a red Frisbee. A similar shot of Carlos, readying himself to toss the plastic disk. Then there was Logan and James, entranced by some magazine on a pool chair. Kendall, with his cell phone pressed to his ear. Carlos, James and Kendall laughing at something that wasn't in the frame.

This could not be happening.

Letting out a growl, Kendall scooped up every photo and angrily pitched them across the room. Pictures flew every which way as they collided with the far wall of his bedroom, raining down behind his dresser and scattering across the floor. A pathetic whimper escaped Kendall's lips, and though he was alone, he blushed. His head throbbed with confliction.

Kendall rested a hand over his loudly hammering heart, closing his eyes in his attempts to calm himself before he totally lost it. Never in his life had he been so at a loss regarding what to do. He was the go-to answer guy to James and Logan and Carlos, the most responsible boy in his mother's eyes, and the best big brother ever according to Katie.

Wiping away a trail of hot sweat from his brow, Kendall slowly reached down to grab the letter. It was difficult to unfold due to his sticky fingers clinging to the page. When he finally managed, the paper shook so badly in his grip that Kendall had to sit cross-legged and rest the sheet on his lap. A smaller square of paper fluttered out. It was an address slip, of no significance to Kendall. Knitting his brow, Kendall set it aside.

He read the note.

Then read it again.

And again.

And again.

When he came upon the last word of the note for the fifth time and his mind had finally comprehended what he was reading, Kendall nosily crumpled the paper into a ball, the address slip included. He hated touching it and he hated looking at it, so he whipped it across the room with all his might, not even bothering to watch where it landed. His eyes pricked with unwanted tears, but he refused to let them fall. What good would crying do, anyway?

This could not be happening.

"What do I do?" he whispered miserably to himself. Feeling weak, Kendall once again hugged his knees to his chest and bowed his head, his options whirling around in his brain as he weighed the pros and cons of his ultimate decision.

Time passed impossibly quick. He did not hear the guys' loud footsteps as they retired to their respective bedrooms for the night, but was instead oblivious to the world around him as he curled up on the floor and pondered. It was a choice that would change his life forever; maybe even determine life or death.

Three silent hours didn't seem like a sufficient amount of time to sort out the current state of affairs. But when Kendall at long last looked up and saw that it was nearly midnight, he had made his decision.

He worked fast. Pulling himself to his feet with unsteady legs, Kendall crossed his bedroom to yank open his closet door. He dropped to his knees to dig around in the clutter for an old backpack he used for school when he was younger. He located it underneath a pile of junk, brushed it off and zipped open the top. Having no idea what to expect, or if bringing along supplies was even permissible, Kendall reached up and tore off several shirts and pairs of pants from their hangers, stuffing them haphazardly into his backpack. In a swift motion his closet door was closed and he was making his way to his dresser, shoving in pairs of socks and underwear. A small, metal lunchbox displaying a colorful array of cartoon characters was hidden in the far corner of his drawer. Without a second thought, Kendall removed the wad of bills inside and tucked them away in a side pocket of his pack.

He sighed as he surveyed his room, racking his brain for anything else he may need to bring. When his eyes landed on his bedside table, Kendall slid open the drawer and rifled around for a watch. He fastened it securely around his wrist, checking to make sure the time was correct by looking at the alarm clock on his dresser.

Kendall could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he bended down to pick up the photos and envelope that had been strewn about the floor. He gathered them speedily, jamming everything into his backpack before zipping it up and hoisting it over his shoulder. Double-checking his cell phone was in his pocket, Kendall froze in his haste, taking a last, good look at his room.

No. He couldn't leave like this. He couldn't walk out without some sort of goodbye.

Tears threatened to fall again, but Kendall fought them off. He never once thought it would end like this. He never considered having to write out a farewell note to his friends and family.

Sniffling, Kendall found a piece of notebook paper on his desk. A pencil sat in his quaking hand, lead resting on the paper but never making a move. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't tell them anything about his whereabouts, or tip them off in any way. And if he poured his heart out into telling each person how much he cared about them, the letter would just sound like a suicide note or something, and that was just ridiculous.

Briefly shutting his eyes to fend off another round of nausea, Kendall scrawled a single sentence out on the page. He made sure the covers on his bed were made neatly, then gently laid the note on his pillow.

His hand glided down the strap of the backpack over his shoulder as he straightened himself up to say goodbye to his room. He could be gone for days, weeks, months, or even forever. If Kendall would have known earlier, he certainly would have savored the last night in his own comfy bed.

He wiped at his eyes. It was almost midnight. He had to leave, but his feet felt glued to the floor. He desperately searched his mind to remember the last thing he had said to his friends and family. It was 'goodnight'.

He wished he had said 'goodbye' instead.

Kendall lowered himself onto the edge of his bed in a moment of weakness, covering his face with his hands. Even if he had the chance to say farewell, what would he say?

He'd definitely tell Logan not to freak out. Stay calm. Keep the guys together. And keep Carlos from hurting himself and James from jumping into things he's not ready for. Follow your dreams and get into med school. And make up your mind with Camille already. She's not going to wait for you forever, buddy.

Kendall would tell Carlos not to cry. Don't do anything stupid, and keep wearing your helmet. Study hard so you actually graduate, and make Logan help you with your homework. Force James to help you get a date, because you will find someone eventually, and trust me, the wait will be worth it.

He'd make sure James knew it's okay not to be the 'macho man' all the time. Take care of Katie and keep her safe. Go ahead and be a model or a singer or an actor, but never lose track of your roots and who you are. And give Logan that twenty bucks you still owe him.

Kendall didn't even want to think about what he would say to his mom or his sister. Mrs. Knight had raised him and Katie practically alone and sacrificed so much for the two of them, dropping everything and moving from Minnesota to LA, twice. She was the best mother any kid could ask for. And Katie. He'd never see her grow up, never get to walk her down the aisle like he promised he would. At least she'd have three other brothers to take care of her. James, Logan and Carlos were protective of Katie, Kendall knew, and she should be able to cope without him.

This could not be happening.

With his silent valedictions scrolling through his head, Kendall rose to his feet. He started for his closed bedroom door, but stopped, one hand on the doorknob. A framed picture of Jo sat on the table by his bed, smiling at him when he woke up every morning. Striding over, Kendall took the frame in his hands and brought it to his lips, smudging the glass with a small kiss. He sadly replaced the photo in its designated spot, twisted the doorknob and stepped into the dark hall before he had a chance to change his mind.

He crept quietly, not daring to flip on a light. Tip-toeing down the short hallway, Kendall made it to the main room of apartment 2J, thanking the divine powers above that everyone was asleep. He hadn't considered what he would have done if someone had been awake.

A strange sound emerged from Kendall's tight throat, and he clapped a hand over his mouth as he shuffled to the front door.

This was it. This was actually happening.

He had to do it. He had to follow the instructions on the note and leave his baby sister, his mom, and his best friends. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, he needed to do it quickly and without a second thought. If he didn't, the experience would be ten times more painful. And Kendall's aching heart couldn't handle any more grief.

He took a deep breath. Grabbed the door handle. Stepped outside.

As it turned out, Kendall's swift departure was not any less heart wrenching.