Author's Notes:

I still don't own Glee. Glee still owns many of these words.

A love not fought for, is a love not worth fighting for.

Running Away, Blame It on the Alcohol, Part 1

It had been a couple of weeks since Kurt told Blaine about his feelings, and despite Blaine's better judgment they continued to spend much of their time together. It was becoming more difficult every day. Blaine fought his own feelings as much as he could. On more than one occasion, he had to physically stop himself from taking the tall, beautiful young man in his arms. The eyes Kurt made toward him drove deep into his soul, and before he could think, Blaine would lick his lips, or feel the nerves begin in his belly, or worst of all, he'd have to leave the room to escape complete embarrassment. This wouldn't do. Blaine had to do something, drastic and quick.

Nick had begun to notice as well. In one of those rare moments when Blaine wasn't attached at the hip, phone, or computer to Kurt, he sat down with his best friend in the dormitory common room Saturday morning over a game of canasta.

"What the heck is wrong with you lately?" Nick asked, throwing down a card.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Blaine lied, clasping the mask firmly on his face.

Nick just shook his head and laughed. "You may have the others fooled Anderson, but I know you better than anyone at this school. Except maybe Kurt," he instigated, glancing up at his friend.

"You know me better than Kurt," Blaine grumbled with frustration.

"Ah, but you don't want me to," noted Nick.

"Just drop it, Nick!" Blaine snapped a little more forcefully than he had meant. Nick took the hint and dropped the subject. He was worried for Blaine. He knew there was so much more under the surface than what the other guys could see. Whenever Blaine was upset, people assumed that it was about the stuff that went down at his old school, but Nick wasn't sure. He had noticed for a while now that Blaine was very different whenever he came back from visiting his parents. He never mentioned it, but he kept a keen eye on him on those days. Nick also knew that Blaine had feelings for Kurt, put continually pushed them away. He had tried a number of times to get to the bottom of that, but Blaine fought him each time.

"Any plans for the weekend?" Nick asked innocently.

"Kurt texted me earlier that there was a party he wanted us to go to. His friend Rachel, from his old school is throwing it. You remember her, from the Valentine's Day dinner?" Nick nodded. He remembered Kurt hugging her. "Do you think I should go? I don't want to get in trouble for fraternizing with the enemy," he smirked.

"Of course I think you should go," Nick told him. "You need to loosen up, have some fun for a change. Hang out with some regular high school kids, not stuck up yuppies like us."

"You guys aren't yuppies," Blaine laughed until his phone rang. He looked at it, and the smile dropped from his face. It was his father. Ignoring it wasn't an option and he took the call, turning away from Nick slightly. "Yes, Sir?"

Nick politely returned his attention to his cards, studying them as if there would be an exam the next day, but he listened intently to Blaine's conversation.

"Yes, Sir, actually I do have plans this weekend. I was invited to a party." Pause. "No Sir, it's not at Dalton." Nick heard Blaine hesitate and his voice shook as he explained. "Well, I'd be going with a friend from Dalton, but it's at his friend's house." Pause. "Her name is Rachel." Pause. "Yes it's a girl's party." Blaine rolled his eyes. "Yes Sir there will be other girls there." Pause. "Next weekend? Yeah sure, I can come if Mom really wants me to. Ok, see you then."

Blaine pressed the end button and put the phone on the table. He was sweating, his heart was racing, and he realized he needed to slow his breathing. Just as he thought he might pass out, he heard a voice and his tunnel vision disappeared.

"Guess you're going to the party then, huh?" Nick smirked at him.

Blaine exhaled strongly and laughed. "Guess so," he smiled.

It had taken Blaine a while to decide what to wear to the party. He had wanted to make a good impression on Kurt's friends. The boys had all encouraged him to go. Jeff had told him to get piss drunk. Nick said maybe not piss drunk, but did encourage him to loosen up and have a good time. He told Blaine that if he needed to be picked up for whatever reason, he'd be around. Blaine assured him that he would be fine.

It wasn't long after they arrived that he got his first drink, once Puck had opened up the liquor cabinet. He wanted to follow his friend's advice and loosen up but he didn't want to make a fool of himself. He found though, that after that first Rum and Coke, Kurt was starting to look a little too damn good. His red shirt, black tie, and amazingly sexy tight black pants were driving Blaine crazy. He quickly grabbed another drink to try and drown those feelings.

So it came as no surprise that he was excited as hell to play Spin the Bottle. He was too drunk by that point to be nervous about kissing Kurt, at least then he'd have an excuse. In his head he was yelling, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, as he tried to magically make the bottle follow his commands. Sam and Brittany kissed, then Rachel took a turn. He again cheered the bottle on as he watched it spin and slow and point to him. He cheered and looked up to see Rachel leaning in.

"Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world," she sang through the liquor.

Blaine broke out into a goofy grin. He had never kissed a girl before. He had only really kissed a boy once before. As drunk as he was though all he could think was it was just a game and experience is experience, right? All the better for when I finally do get to kiss Kurt. And before he truly had time to analyze that thought, Rachel's lips were on him. It was wet, and sloppy, but her lips were soft and though his belly didn't flutter, it felt nice. He thought he should pull away, but she wasn't and he didn't. Instead he leaned in further and gently placed his hand in her hair. He closed his eyes and gave in to all of his pent-up feelings for Kurt, putting them on Rachel. If only my father could see me now, he thought.

He was awoken the next morning by the sound of someone screaming. He put his hand to his head.

"Oh, where am I?" he muttered to himself.

He didn't remember at all where he was, or how he got there. He remembered little of last night. He let his throbbing head drop back down to the soft pillow. Wait, was that Kurt? Was that Kurt's Dad?

"I'll deal with my Dad, Blaine, don't worry about it," he heard Kurt say in a hungover fog. "I left some towels in the bathroom for you, whenever you're ready. Some ibuprofen and a glass of water is in there too."

He waited for his head to stop pounding in his ears and the wave of nausea to pass. After a few minutes he finally opened his eyes and sat up, alone, in what he could only imagine was Kurt's bedroom. As his senses returned, he realized that of course it was Kurt's room, it smelled entirely of Kurt. How he had gotten there and what had happened last night was a complete blur. He remembered drinking. He remembered singing with Rachel. He remembered kissing Rachel. He remembered thinking maybe his father would like him then.

He needed to get out of there. He grabbed his phone from the little shelf next to Kurt's bed and checked his messages. Two from Nick last night and one from this morning.

8:42pm
N: Hope everything is going well. Call or Text if you need me.

11:00pm
N: Guess things are going fabulous, because you just missed curfew. See you in the morning, lover boy.

9:26am
N: We're all headed to the mall. Please at least let us know you're ok.

Blaine sent a quick text back to Nick, telling him he was fine and would be coming back to Westerville soon. He left out the part about being at Kurt's house. He really didn't want any of them to get the wrong idea.

He took a shower and got dressed. Kurt had left him a clean shirt and he put on his pants from the night before. Thank goodness he hadn't gotten sick, although they still smelled a bit like alcohol. He figured he would just change as soon as he got back to campus. Well, maybe he would keep Kurt's shirt on.

By the time he got downstairs, Kurt's Dad had left to go to the garage already.

"Do you want some breakfast, Blaine?" Kurt asked him.

"I really should get going back to school," Blaine said, embarrassed about everything.

"Take some toast at least," said Kurt, handing him two slices on a napkin. "It won't be good for you to drive on an empty stomach."

"Thanks Kurt," Blaine said earnestly, looking him in the eye. "Really. Thank you for inviting me."

Kurt stood still for a moment, then smiled with adoring eyes. "Anytime, Blaine. I'm glad you had fun."

"See you tomorrow?" Blaine asked politely.

"Of course. See you tomorrow."

Blaine returned to Dalton, happy to find the dorms fairly empty as most of the guys spent their Sundays off campus. He knew his friends were hanging out at the mall and seeing a movie this evening. They had invited him, but he politely declined with the excuse of a hangover. Which was not very far from the truth. Blaine reached his room, kept the light turned off and lowered the blinds in his windows. He crashed on his bed and closed his eyes. He fought his psyche between replaying the events of the night before and trying to forget all about him. He had kissed Rachel. In front of Kurt. What the hell had he been thinking?

But he knew exactly what he had been thinking. He had to stay as far away from Kurt as possible. His feelings for the boy were starting to become overwhelming and he just couldn't let that happen. Even in his drunken state he knew where danger and safety lay. Kurt was dangerous for him, more dangerous than anyone understood. Rachel, on the other hand, could be a life saver. A floatation device. Something to keep him above water until he was able to let go without drowning. The kiss had felt nice. It wasn't amazing, there were no fireworks, but it wasn't bad. And as much as he hated it, he could not erase the image of his father proud of him; his mother happy. He refused to lie to himself, he wouldn't become someone he was not for their sake. But if he couldn't have Kurt, maybe it was worth trying to see if something like that could make him happy for the time being.

Blaine spent the entirety of the next Warblers rehearsal being teased by each and every one of his chorus brothers after Kurt told them everything that had happened at the party. Blaine tried hard to not let their good natured teasing get to him, but he couldn't help the anger that was starting to surface. He hadn't wanted everyone to know. He had taken the gentle ribbing about Jeremiah as a sign that he was one of the boys, but this was different. He could see Nick looking at him funny. He got through it all as best as he could but Kurt didn't stop when rehearsal was over. Blaine considered not going to the Lima Bean with him after rehearsal, but he loved that time together and he hoped maybe away from the Warblers, Kurt would stop harping on it. But he didn't.

"I didn't drink that much," Blaine insisted, trying to end the conversation. When Kurt Hummel was on a roll though, it took a lot to stop him, especially when his sarcasm came from his own nerves and discomfort.

"Are you kidding, you spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face." Kurt laughed. "That Sir, is what we call rock bottom."

Blaine was thankful when his cell phone vibrated, but his heart leapt when he pulled it out from his coat and glanced at the number. "Oh my God, speak of the devil." He hit the answer button. Just stay calm, he thought while his heart raced. "Hi Rachel, Kurt and I were just talking about you." Blaine could tell that Rachel was acting a bit funny on the other end of the phone, and when Kurt asked if she was drunk, he felt pretty sure that she was. She asked him to go on a date. He looked away from Kurt and an image of his parents flashed in his mind. He said yes and hung up the phone.

He thought of not telling Kurt, but news traveled faster amongst New Directions than even amongst the Warblers. He was sure Mercedes already knew. Better Kurt hear it from him. "Rachel just asked me out," he laughed nervously to Kurt.

"That is amazing," Kurt laughed back. "She's got a girl crush on you."

Blaine couldn't look at Kurt. He had told Kurt he cared about him. He had told him he didn't want to mess it up. And yet, here he was, doing exactly that. And on purpose too. He felt the urge to run, and took the opportunity to throw out his coffee trash and grab another sugar. He had kissed her and it hadn't felt bad. He hated living his life to please his father, and yet, wouldn't life be so much easier if he did? At least for the visit this weekend?

"Wait a second," Kurt asked, "Why did you say yes? You can't lead her on."

"Who says I'm leading her on?" He turned back to Kurt. He tried to look at him, but he couldn't. God those eyes could make him melt. All he wanted was to be perfect in those eyes but he wasn't perfect at all. He and Kurt were an impossibility. It killed him, but it would destroy everything. No, he had to give Rachel a chance. Not for his father, but for himself.

"You can't be serious." Kurt's face was full of anger and pain and Blaine knew that he had caused it. And yet instead of just letting it go he tried to explain.

"When we kissed," he looked at Kurt. He was determined to look at Kurt, to convince Kurt. "It felt good." He was determined to convince himself. Kurt's anger grew but Blaine wasn't going to change his mind about this. If he couldn't get Kurt's approval he needed his acceptance or at least he needed Kurt to just stop. He needed to do this, whether Kurt liked it or not. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt Kurt or make him mad, but Kurt was going too far. And yet he cared too much to just walk away.

"Why are you so angry?" Blaine asked, knowing exactly why he was so angry.

"Because I look up to you. I admire how proud you are of who you are," Kurt said.

Blaine looked away. At this moment, he didn't feel proud at all. He wasn't strong. He wasn't courageous. He tried desperately to be all those things, but at every turn, his father ripped it all out from under him. He knew what he was to Kurt, what mask he had put up for Kurt. He had made a mistake trying to be a mentor. What the hell kind of mentor was he really when he spent half his life hiding who he was?

Kurt continued. "I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in." The words stung Blaine as sharply as his father's hand. He couldn't listen to Kurt's arguments and reprimands anymore. It was his own fault for lying to Kurt, to Nick, to everyone, for so long. But it didn't matter how true Kurt's words were, and they were true, because he couldn't let himself be talked out of this. All he could imagine was one weekend of telling his father about a date with Rachel. One weekend of freedom and acceptance and love. What is really too much to ask for? He knew Kurt couldn't possibly understand, but how dare he judge him for it?

"I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings, or your pride, or whatever. But however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure of who you are. Fantastic." Thoughts of Kurt's father and his unwavering support fueled his anger and jealousy boiled up. "Well, maybe we all can't be so lucky," he snapped wryly.

"Yeah, I've had a lot of luck, Blaine, I was really lucky to be chased out of High School by a bully who threatened to kill me," Kurt retorted

"And why did he do that?" Blaine asked angrily.

"Because he didn't like who I was." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Sort of exactly what you're saying to me right now, isn't it." Blaine paused. He didn't want to hurt Kurt. His heart and emotions were flying away from him where his brain didn't want him to go. He wanted so much for Kurt to understand that he was only trying to survive in the best way he knew how. "I'm searching, ok? I'm honestly just trying to figure out who I am. And for you of all people to get down on me for that, I didn't think that's who you were." He had to leave before he said something he really regretted. Kurt had never seen his temper before and he really didn't want to start now. "I'll see ya. I'd say bye, but I wouldn't want to make you angry." Too late. Blaine turned to the door without looking back. Maybe it was too late for everything.

Author's Notes:

Love your thoughts before you continue on to Part 2, so PLEASE review and share with me!

ent here...