Disclaimer: I own a jar of Jiffy peanut butter, but not the brand itself.

Anij: Just keep in mind that if he does 'get me', there shall be no more updates ever again on any of my stories. Is it really worth the show?

FairiesMidwife: Darn, do you really think so? I had thought it was just funny enough... but if you truly believe that it is too funny, I shall try to tune it down a bit.

Nation Jones: You know what? You people sicken me. What is it about watching someone being mercilessly tortured by the Goblin King which turns you on so much? Seriously, get some help.

GitaMerah: Wait no more!

notwritten: Eloquently put as always. Though, I have to say, you may be the most insanely loquacious person ever. Really, someone as pretty as you is meant to be seen, not heard.

MossyTea: I aim only to please. You may get back to your boring, dreary and all-around unsatisfying life now.

turtlerad17: And you look to be a very intelligent young... turtle. Practically prophetic, in fact.

InuLvr7: Much as I appreciate the offer, is it really wise to announce your familiarity with flames right out like that?

tonemara: It makes the unspeakable, horrendous torture he would inflict upon me there almost seem worth it, doesn't it?

MartiOwlsten: Little slow on the uptake, aren't we? But I fear that my crimes warrant far, far worse than the bog. Oh the potential horrors of it all! Alas!

Contraltissimo: You will be happy to know that parodic is indeed a word. Shenaniganry, on the other hand, is most definitely not.

Nothing Tra La La

Danika Lareyna

Chapter One

Jareth Comes to a Decision

Danika stared at the screen, blank save for the title of her newest masterpiece, for approximately 28 minutes. Then she got up and went to the bathroom. Then she sat back down and stared at it for another 17 minutes. Then she decided she might as well get around to writing the damned thing...

xXx

Jareth sat in his throne room. He sat on his throne. There were two reasons for this. First, he was the Goblin King and so his royal posterior deserved no less than a throne beneath it. Second, it was the only place in the throne room (and the whole castle, for that matter) which was not covered in gibbering goblins, abused animals or non-alliterative excrement. Even in his own head, Jareth never used any term other than 'excrement'. All other words sent the blithering idiots that were his subjects into gales of childish laughter, which sometimes took as much as a week to silence. Unfortunately, after 24,963 years, one of the smarter goblins had figured out what 'feces' meant and blabbed to the rest of the horde.

The Goblin King was not his usual perky self that day. Nor was he his usual cruel self. Both sides of his dramatically split personality were feeling rather low. Never, in all of his 7 trillion years of life, had he felt this way. He could not understand what was the matter with him and it irked him greatly. Little did he know that he was actually madly in love with Sarah, the girl who had defeated his Labyrinth, and the uncomfortable feeling in his chest was his soul pining for her and not heartburn. He had hoped that it would go away, but as time passed, it only got worse. In fact, exactly three years, four months and twelve days had passed, meaning that, somewhere, it was Sarah's 18th birthday (because it did not matter that he was 7 trillion years older than her, as long as she was legally of age in the United States).

Having discovered that kicking goblins did nothing to cheer him up, Jareth tried other methods. He hung goblins from their ears from the tallest tower of the castle, lit their toes on fire and watched to see how long it took for the pain to reach their brain (the average time was 23 minutes and 52 seconds), covered them in Jiffy peanut butter and threw them into a pit of starving squirrels (one such goblin has now mastered the legendary Squirrel-Fu style of martial arts- the rest just had their skin eaten), and even judged a rousing game of 'Which Cupcake is the Dynamite in?' (in which ten different goblins get to pick a cupcake and the loser is the one whose vital organs get splattered on the castle wall).

Nothing helped. He was as depressed as ever.

Then, Jareth came to a startling conclusion. He hated his job. He hated the goblins. He hated wearing tight pants. Ok, that was going too far. He loved wearing tight pants, but he did not have to be the Goblin King to do that. It was all pointless and unsatisfying anyway. He was getting on in years, after all. He might only have another 600-700 trillion years left. Jareth wanted to do something meaningful with that precious time.

It seemed to him that he needed a change of scenery. The Aboveground was a pretty happening place. Maybe he could use his fantastic and near-omnipotent sparkly magic to enslave the human race. Or maybe he would start a home for abandoned kittens. Either way, he would be closer to Sarah. Not that he cared, because he had not yet realized that he was madly in love with her. It just seemed like an interesting side point.

And so, Jareth set about making plans. First he packed all of his precious tight pants into a giant suitcase. He did not have room for any underwear, but that did not bother him too much. Then he carefully arranged all of his eye make-up and lip glosses and whatnot into his special goblin-hide accessory case. Finally, he bought four cans of super-duper-extra-large-jumbo-ultra-monster-mega-uber-really-really-really-really-really-big hair spray, just in case.

Then he remembered that he could make all of that stuff out of his sparkly magic, so he sprayed the hairspray over everything and set it on fire, just to watch it burn. It was quite a show.

The next day there was a note pinned to the cushion of the Goblin King's throne. It said:

Dear Moronic Imbeciles,

You disgust me. I quit. I hereby pronounce that that one chicken with the large black splotch on his left wing is king, as I am sure he will be a much more competent ruler than any of you. I have run away to the Aboveground where none of you can ever annoy me again. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Lots of love,

Jareth

Of course the goblins were not too upset about the whole incident. None of them could read anyway.

xXx

Shameless Self-Promotion

Hey! Go check out my Labyrinth fanart on Deviant Art!

http://danikamorningstar(dot)deviantart(dot)com

Next chapter tomorrow!