This is too hard,
is this path right for me?
Kido grew restless the next day. The other members could tell that something was wrong right away. Mary and Seto—who lived at the gang's headquarters and therefore became used to Kido—figured this much quicker than the others.
The Kisaragi siblings, while not as familiar with Kido as they could have been, already sensed an air of anxiety and dread surrounding their beloved leader. Momo felt it quicker than Shintaro did, but Shintaro's quick thinking and clever intuition helped him figure it out soon enough.
To think they had chosen that day of all days to appear was unlucky. Although Kido supposed it was fate, and the same went with Hibiya and Konoha. Since the death of Hiyori, Hibiya had been staying at the countryside more often, but in the heat of the summer he always managed to appear before them, somehow. Konoha, who was more than welcome at their home, instead chose to stay with Hibiya occasionally, and wandered about on his lonesome otherwise.
The fact that they were both there, as well, meant something. And with Ene appearing from Shintaro's phone, Kido realized the whole gang was there.
Everyone except for Kano, of course. And that was what made her restless, above all else. That was the sole cause of her current anxiety, and the perpetrator of her building frustration. She knew that they could sense her change in demeanor, as well, so she did not hesitate to come out with the truth.
"Kano hasn't come back since last night," she simply said. Then she tacked on weakly at the end: "Good morning."
"Morning," Hibiya murmured. "So that weirdo's gone missing, huh?"
"H-He usually leaves whenever he wants, though…" Mary squeaked. Her voice was soft, and were it not for the other's conjoined silence, then her words would have gone completely unnoticed.
"That's true," Seto agreed. "Once he left for a whole day without telling us! But that was because he fell asleep on the subway, so..."
"We shouldn't jump to conclusions, then," Shintaro said. "He'll probably show up."
"That's what I wanted to believe," Kido said. "But I doubt it. He hasn't answered any of our calls. And when I called earlier, it went straight to voicemail. If he's not back by lunch, I'm really gonna have to ask you guys to help me find him."
"I can help!" Ene shouted. "I'll look on the internet!"
"Me, too!" Momo affirmed. "Maybe I can ask my fans? I mean, they usually respond to me on Twitter and stuff, so…"
"W-We can make posters," Mary added again. "B-But only if we can't find him today."
"Like I said," Shintaro reminded them all, "he's not in trouble yet. Odds are that he's out doing whatever and he'll be back. Don't get your hopes up."
Soon, chaotically organized conversation broke out between all the members. Amid the chatter that began to arise, Seto quietly whispered to Kido on the side. "I'm gonna keep a lookout for him while I buy groceries. I'm sure he'll be back soon, so let's relax, okay? It'll be okay."
Kido—whose dark gaze was affixed on the vibrant image of the others members—focused on Seto's kind eyes and relented ever so softly. She nodded in assent to his words.
"I hope so. I really, really I hope so."
…
Kano was nowhere to be seen. The sun began to set, and it was well past lunchtime when the whole group decided that they had better start looking for him. Mary and Momo worked on the missing persons posters, while Ene turned to the internet for answers. Shintaro went out with Konoha and Hibiya to do some old-fashioned searching around for themselves. Seto stayed with Kido, and asked his employer and his coworkers over the phone if they have seen Kano around.
With all the members working at once, it was very likely that they would at least find a lead that might tell them where Kano was. But Kido, practical as ever, doubted that in every way possible.
Besides, she thought, he would have come back by now.
What if it's too late?
…
In the latest hour of the night, all of the children formed one big group after having spent the entire evening apart. Most of their searches came up empty, and at this point Tsubomi's nerves were enough to do her in.
Even with the safety of their large group, she felt exposed and weak. She felt isolated from them, despite her footsteps walking in sync with theirs. This feeling multiplied variously as they walked along the city streets, unnoticeable by the people around them. Despite their great number, they were deathly silent as they continued the search in earnest fear.
Right as they were about to turn in for the night, however, they stumbled upon the biggest clue they could have possibly found. In a narrow alleyway, the bright mural of the inner wall was so spectacular that it caught Kido's attention immediately. Upon further inspection, the horror of realization came to her.
Before them was a large mural of Ayano Tateyama. Each child had a differing expression, and the only ones that were as shocked as Kido and Seto were Shintaro and Ene. But the still-fresh wetness and smell of paint indicated that Kano had been there recently.
If he had been there, however, he was in no hurry to cover up the evidence or to stay behind. His familiar gas mask lay unused and discarded to the side—cold and stained with a red splash of paint that looked too much like blood to be comforting. Kido walked up slowly and held the object in her hand, still. She glanced at the painting of her late sister and grimaced. The fancy graffiti-cursive below her seemed to mock Kido, and the few words echoed endlessly in her head.
Ayano Tateyama.
The world is brighter with you.
…
The hours slipped into days, which formed into weeks. At the month mark, Tsubomi felt herself losing all her wits, with her patience and kindness diminishing until there was only worry and distress left in their place. Everyone was just as frazzled as she was, but only Seto knew how she really felt.
After all, his feelings matched hers entirely. Where Kido became harsh and vapid, Seto had become melancholy and desperate. He snapped at others for what seemed like the first time in his life. He was distant, far off, and not even Mary—in all her kind heartedness—could do anything to bring him back from this emotional turmoil and self-isolation.
It was the perfect situation that called for outside intervention. Momo suggested that they take a break. She offered to treat everyone to a mini-vacation at the beach, using the extra money she made as her job as an idol. The rhythmic waves and soft sand were sure to put everyone at ease, or at least, curb some of their anxieties away.
So, a month or two into their search for Kano was marked with an expedition at the beach. For the most part, it seemed to be working. Seto looked pleased at the thought of jogging alongside the shore, or riding a few bikes with everyone. Kido found the thought of seashell collecting amiable, and even offered to pack lunch for everyone later on.
They rode in one of Momo's idol company's cars, refurbished and free of charge considering the girl's unusual (and unnatural) success as of late. The cityscape disappeared from their sights in the window, and after a few hours the shore line and the vast pacific was in their view.
Soon enough, the whole gang had reached the sands, and were immersed in casual beachtime fun. Seto set up a beach volleyball court, with the first rounds of the game pitting him and Hibiya against Konoha and Mary. While it was going well at first, Konoha's super strength got the better of him and he deflated the ball with too strong of a hit.
"Lucky for us I brought extras," Seto said. "Be more careful, okay?"
"Okay..." Konoha droned on, usually lethargic voice dipped in something that resembled concern. "Sorry…"
And a little ways from them was Shintaro, who was relaxing on a fold out chair underneath an umbrella. Ene changed her appearance to match that of a swimsuit, and whined that Shintaro was not stimulating enough. "At this rate," she said to him, "the sun will start to shun you away for good!"
"I don't care," Shintaro muttered. "I plan on relaxing here all day. If you want, go to Momo's phone. She and Leader are looking for seashells."
To this, Ene agreed, and momentarily disappeared from Shintaro's home screen. He sighed in relief, and in the same moment Momo exclaimed as Ene's sudden appearance had scared her.
"Master's no fun at all," she explained to her, "so I'll join you two!"
"That's fine by me," Momo allowed. "Leader and I are looking for shells! See if you spot any good ones!" She held up the phone so Ene could see the full view of the ocean. Ene gawked at the picturesque sight, and yelled animatedly over potential seashell sightings.
Kido, alongside the two, simply smiled and kept up the pace. Even if Kano's haunting disappearance still occupied most of her thoughts, part of her was able to relax and worry about other things—if only for a little bit. The smallest reprieve, however, was enough for her. She sighed at this revelation, and stared at the blue expanse before them. She focused on the seafoam, the rocks, and the occasional crab that walked along in sideways steps. Altogether, these images and sounds combined together to create something harmonic and magical.
It was like a song. There was a rhythm, a pace, and an occasion for head-bobbing. There was noise, but it was the kind that came in painless waves of enjoyment. There was company, and following that was the good vibrations of play and laughter. The echoes of happiness (something which had been absent for the past month or so) reverberated loudly and kindly between all of them.
In the darks of Kido's eyes, the slightest sliver of light appeared. It was a beacon of hope, a streak of warmth that was rare in her cold, desolate days. Her chest, which always felt constricted as it was hard to breathe, felt freer than it had ever been. Maybe this break was good for her, after all. Maybe this was the right direction to take after all the time they had taken. Maybe this was a sign that their search was not so hopeless, and that soon their luck would turn around—brightening up like the seashore and the distant sun.
Maybe.
...
In the latter half of the day, the sun turned dark and cast a myriad of shadows alongside the water. In their world, the ocean was orange, purple, and blue all at once. The hues mixed in with each other to create one heavenly gradient, that which was soft and soothing to look at. The rays of light caught themselves on the lulling waves of the sea, and the refractions sent thousands of white sparkles across the water.
The children looked toward that horizon, and felt entirely invigorated. For a short moment in time, it was just the eight of them (there should be nine of us, Kido bitterly thought) enjoying the sea shore, with only the salty breeze and dreamy contemplation breaking apart their harmony. Their things were all packed up soon enough, and with lunch eaten and consumed, there was nothing left for them to do now. Tomorrow would come soon, and they would need to be ready to continue the search for Kano. They would need to prepare for good news and bad news alike, but to do that at all they needed to leave this paradise behind shortly.
Tsubomi felt her worries arise again, but this time she chose to accept them, rather than let them devour her. There was nothing that could be done apart from what she was already doing. Her best was all she could offer, and all she could hope to offer in order to return Kano to her side.
Knowing this, she turned her back on the beach. The others followed suit shortly thereafter. Only Momo (and Ene, consequently) remained behind. Momo told Ene to give the ocean one last look before they go, and the other girl agreed as she gazed out the horizon and let out a dreamy sigh all at once.
In the seconds it took for Momo to turn around, and for Ene to stare out at the changing scenery, the cyber girl screamed as loud as she could. Momo was startled, and nearly dropped her phone because of it.
"Ene!" she yelled at her. "Why are you screaming? What's wrong?"
"There!" Ene screeched, ignoring most of Momo's words in her frenzy. "By the rocks! Little Sister! Leader! Master! By the rocks! Over there! Go get them!"
Momo, not yet understanding of the situation, turned around, and called for the others to come back. Her voice carried through the wind, but Kido was the first to hear her, anyway. Her wariness had returned soon enough, and a chill ran up her spine, like an insect crawling its way up the soft skin of her back.
"Leader!" Momo repeated.
"What?" Kido yelled, making her way back towards the sea. "What's going on?"
"Ene said she spotted something over by the rocks!""
Kido did not need to hear more. She shoved past Momo unintentionally, running wildly to the jetties up ahead. She could barely think as the jagged rock formations came into view. She barely flinched when water splashed at her too hard, leaving behind angry foam and dislodged pebbles in its wake. When her mind caught up with her body, however, she was finally able to understand what all the screaming was about.
Caught in between the rocks was a dark sliver of fabric. It was black, soaked, and slightly tattered. Kido's hands trembled as she reached out for it. The dark color seemed menacing, yet inviting. It felt like soak or slime in her hands, and she figured that it had been sitting there for quite a while.
For a month's while, maybe.
When she examined it closely, it was everything and nothing, all at once. It was white, black, and red all over. The crimson streaks of something (not blood, it can't be blood) ran from the pockets, and sickly yellow clumps of hair remained stuck to the hood. It was a jacket—a sickeningly familiar, dual colored jacket.
She did not have to say his name, or even think of his image just then. It was if he was there inside the jacket, waterlogged and reddened like the fabric itself. It was as if he was the foam in the sea, or the rocks at her knees—white, distant, jagged, close, nearby—attainable but unattainable in the same fell swoop. It was as if he was the salty sea breeze tangling her hair, or the battered sun hiding behind its multicolored sunset.
It was as if he was there, anyway. She need not imagine him.
The world seemed to slowly burn in her mind. The only time Kido felt as hot and helpless as she did now was when her house was literally on fire. Everything felt white, red, and steaming. Her mind went blank, her throat went dry, and her eyes widened. Her lips, chapped and quivering, remained apart from each other as her mouth hung slightly open in an appalled gape.
Momo and the others had surely gathered around her by now, and they definitely saw what Kido saw. Or maybe they did no such thing—maybe they were too horrified by their own imaginings or by the shocking truth that they could not muster up the strength to stay focused on the scene. Either way, everything became silent and noisy all at once, and Kido's dark eyes lost the sliver of life completely. Her hair, long and soft, fell as she lowered her head and buried her face in the soaked piece of clothing.
In the soaked piece of Kano.
She sobbed, cried, wept, and screamed all at once. She laughed, giggled, and shouted, too. She was caught in a maelstrom of emotions, such that her face and voice did not know which one to cater to, so she simply fell into all of them at once. It was a mess; it was a tragedy.
It was nothing but hot fire and cold water, the sensation of both hitting her as hard as a subway train. She felt like someone dug a knife into her chest, and twisted the blade until it deformed all of the meat and loose dribble inside. She felt like someone had crushed her just now, and broke her spine in half with all the organs along with it.
She felt her heartbeat, erratic and wild, lose itself in deep sorrow and regret. Her stomach twisted, her soul wrenched, and her hands trembled wildly.
"No, no, no," she muttered out weakly. "Oh no, please no…"
Kido's words fell into repetitive sobs. The others gathered around her now, and began to fall into melancholy themselves as they did their best to give her a group hug. Their tears felt like one as they shed from their gleaming (red) eyes and fell into the damp sand below them. Their sadness coagulated into one sorrowful, disgusting mess, as they all seemingly mourned for the same person at the same time.
"No," Kido kept saying. "No, no, no."
No.