Trust Me

Chapter 1: Shadow That Remains, Reclaims

A/N: This chapter takes place in present time, after Olivia returns from being undercover.

"Happy eight year anniversary," Elliot smiled as Olivia opened the door to see him standing there with a six pack of beer in one hand and a bag of Hershey's kisses in the other.

"Big spender," she said dryly as she let him in "What, the corner store ran out of Hershey bars?" she quipped.

"Actually," Elliot cleared his throat nervously "Yeah."

"Come on," Olivia laughed as she took the six pack from him "The pizza got here before you did. Let's eat already. I'm starved."

Elliot sat on Olivia's couch with a heavy sigh. In the pale bluish glow of the TV he turned to her and without really thinking about it he asked "Does it bother you that we've been partners eight years and we celebrate by eating pizza and drinking beer at your apartment?"

"Should it?" she asked as she reached for a slice of pizza. The truth of the matter was that it sort of did. She had known this man for eight years and had begun to care very deeply for him. It shouldn't have bothered her but the celebration of eight years as partners seemed too chummy. She tried to ignore the feelings though and simply shrug off his question.

"I mean," Elliot cleared his throat nervously "This is nice," he began slowly "But it just doesn't feel right considering…" this woman meant more to him than life itself and although pizza and beer were all well and good for a Friday night alone, this was the anniversary of a very important day. He enjoyed spending time with Olivia in any setting but this just didn't seem special enough.

"Considering…?" Olivia questioned, leaning forward. She propped her elbows on her crossed legs and waited for Elliot to finish his thought. Her eyes bored holes through him; too many nights of laying awake thinking about him over the past two months had sent her nearly over the edge. She felt guilty of course for falling in love with him but somehow if he said it first… She hoped against all hope that he could feel the same way about her.

"I'm just saying," he began again as he once more cleared his throat "You mean more to me than just pizza and beer."

Olivia smiled. While not an admission of love, what he said was still sweet "You mean more to me too," she said softly as she reached for a beer "But this is fine with me."

Elliot leaned back against the couch cushions. Why was it that when he was around Olivia lately, he became tantamount to some hormonal teenager who couldn't get a full sentence out without feeling like an idiot? Maybe there was something to the old saying. Absence had indeed made his heart grow fonder. Being away from Olivia had made him quite literally ache for her presence beside him, to the point where he had to separate himself from the things that reminded him of her when she was gone. Now that she was back, he had no idea what he was supposed to do. He reached for a beer "How about for our ninth anniversary," he began contemplatively "We go out somewhere nicer than your apartment."

"Hey," Olivia tried to look affronted "Just exactly where is nicer than my apartment?" that question sounded wrong. Olivia became afraid that she was opening a whole new can of worms.

"Hmm…" Elliot began, a bemused grin dancing across his face as he looked around the living room. She hadn't really gotten a chance to clean since she had been back and the place was dusty and disorganized "Just about anywhere," he laughed and immediately through his arm up in front of his face to protect himself from the throw pillow that she launched at his head.

"I know," Olivia groaned "I've just been so busy," she began to make excuses for the lack of tidiness.

"Don't worry about it," Elliot told her as he handed the throw pillow back to her "Its not so bad," he grinned "Good pizza at least."

"Shut up," Olivia threw the pillow back at him as she laughed hysterically. She became serious again "I'm glad we're both here for our eight year anniversary," she told him.

"Me too," he said as he gently brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. The next thing he knew he had uttered the one thing he had been thinking since the moment he had laid eyes on her after missing her like crazy for two months "Please don't ever leave me again," he shut his mouth instantly, wondering for a second if he had really said that out loud and if he had, wondering what she would say in response.

"It was too long to be without you there," she whispered as her hand found his. Then she wondered if this was really happening. She withdrew her hand immediately. How had she come to trust this man? Why had she let him in when the last person that she had let so far in had hurt her so badly? She kept telling herself that Elliot would never hurt her and she really believed it. She was older now and should be able to pick up on the signs better but still part of her was afraid that she could be wrong about him and that the man she had fallen so hard for would turn out to be like the one who had used her and made her forever his.

"Olivia," Elliot began with a sigh "I'm not entirely sure what could come of this but I think that its worth it to see what happens."

"What are you talking about?" Olivia stood to her feet and began to back away. Her nerves had begun to scream at her. She loved this man; she trusted this man but love and trust only led to pain and sorrow. Yet she couldn't help herself and after a moment she returned to the couch, sitting just a little further from Elliot than she had been before.

Elliot had said the wrong thing, he knew it. He had screwed up his marriage by not communicating now he was in danger of screwing up his relationship with his partner by saying too much "Sorry," he mumbled as he reached for another piece of pizza "Never mind," he really didn't want to scare her off. She had just come back and he was already pushing her away.

Olivia allowed herself to move an inch or so closer to Elliot "Its okay," she told him "I just…" she trailed off and took a bite of her pizza to pass the time. She couldn't believe that in a moment of fear she had compared Elliot to JJ. Somehow that thought made her feel a crushing guilt in her heart. She slid her hand into his. It was time to stop being afraid, "Elliot," she whispered softly "I missed you so much."

"I missed you more," he smiled as he leaned closer. Hoping that he wasn't crossing the incredibly thin line between them, he placed a gentle kiss on the corner of her mouth.

Olivia smiled and turned her entire body so that she was facing Elliot "Is that all you got?" she asked teasingly.

Elliot grinned widely and kissed her full on the mouth "Better?" he asked when they separated.

Olivia flashed a devilish grin before pinning him to the couch beneath her and kissing him so deeply and passionately that they came up literally gasping for air. After their breathing had returned to normal, Elliot supported her above him and stared into her eyes.

"What are we doing here Olivia?" he asked seriously.

"I'm sorry," Olivia sat up and shrank to the other side of the couch. She was afraid that she had just ruined the best thing in her life.

"No," Elliot began, sliding closer to her on the couch "That's not what I meant. God, I don't know what I meant. I just… you mean so much to me that… Oh damn," he muttered when he couldn't even finish a full sentence.

Olivia leaned towards him "I know," she whispered "I don't want to screw this up either," she leaned closer "But if what this could be is what we both want, then isn't that worth risking what we already have?" she looked down and laughed "I don't think that made any sense."

Elliot took both her hands in his "It made sense," he reassured her "God, I just wish that it wasn't so difficult to say these things. I mean, I've never felt so…"

Olivia leaned further forward and silenced him with a gentle kiss. His hand quickly went to the back of her neck and the kiss became deeper as tongues explored frantically. Olivia looked deep into his eyes long after the kiss broke "I love you," she whispered, for a moment forgetting all the baggage that came with those words.

He smiled at her "I was kind of hoping you'd say it first."

She through her head back and laughed "Seriously?" she asked "I was waiting for you to."

Elliot too burst into laughter "You're kidding right?" he asked her "Wow, I feel dumb."

Olivia stopped laughing and looked at him "You know, you still haven't said it," she reminded him.

He placed his hands on either side of her face "I," he brought his lips closer to hers "Love," only a mere fraction of an inch separated them "You," he kissed her tenderly and lovingly.

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to his feet. She guided him to the bedroom and they fell to the bed. She began to pull at the buttons of his shirt as he began to pull the hem of hers up.

Suddenly, Elliot stopped "Not now," he whispered.

"What?" Olivia asked sitting up. She had been with many men since JJ. Each one's hands on her, was a way to forget his. She needed this now; she needed Elliot's hands to erase all of them.

"I'm sorry," he told her "I just… I never wanted sex to mean so much before and…"

"Christ, Stabler," Olivia muttered as she stood up, shoving him off the bed "Be a man," she headed out to the living room and sat on the couch again, ignoring Elliot. The truth was that she'd never wanted it to mean so much either. But damn she needed him. She needed to forget every other man she had dragged to her bed in an effort to forget JJ. She needed him to erase any trace of shame that that night had left her with. She knew she was asking too much of him and yet and the same time she couldn't help but want these things.

Elliot sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders "I just want it to mean something," he told her "I don't want it to be just a spur of the moment thing; I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and regret it."

"I won't," she reassured him, even though in the back of her mind she was afraid she might.

"Let's wait and see where this goes," he said softly "It's a big risk we're taking. We haven't even gone on a real date yet."

"Eight years," she whispered "We've known each other for eight years. Do we really need to go on a date first?"

Elliot brought his lips to hers again "I just don't want to take things too fast," he told her honestly "I've never felt this way, not even about Kathy."

Olivia nodded "I've never felt this way either," she admitted "But I need you," she told him, knowing that he wouldn't understand the meaning behind her words and perhaps it was better that way.

Elliot was about to respond when his phone rang "Stabler," he answered it. After about a minute, he hung up and turned to Olivia "We've gotta go," he told her "They found a body in Central Park."

Olivia nodded and stood up, grabbing her coat "We'll talk about this some more later," she told him, letting him know that she wasn't going to let him off the hook for not wanting to sleep with her. On some small level perhaps she was offended. Every other man who she had invited into her bed had taken her hard and fast and been satisfied. In the back of her mind, she wondered if there was something wrong.

The ride to the crime scene was quiet. In spite of everything that had just occurred between them, there was nothing awkward hanging in the silence. They arrived at the crime scene and flashed their badges as they ducked under the police tape.

"What've we got?" Elliot asked Warner as he stared at the half naked woman who lay on the ground.

"I can't say for sure what the cause of death is," Warner began "But I can tell you that this isn't your crime scene," she rolled the body over "Lividity indicates that she died on her back."

"Raped?" Olivia asked coming closer.

Warner nodded "Evidence of vaginal trauma. No fluids."

"Probably used a condom," Elliot muttered. He bent closer to the body "What's that on her inner thigh?" he asked Warner.

Warner lifted the woman's right leg. She and Elliot stared in horrified shock and disgust as Olivia turned and ran to the nearest bush to throw up. On the woman's inner thigh were the initials JJ carved in three inch high letters.