Chapter 2: Things Don't Go Eddykin's Way So He Goes to Kill Himself…Unless Badass Bella Kills Him First

"Oh, my Bella love! My lovely lamb! My ladybird! Oh, how I love thee! What shall I ever do to win the goddesses favor yet again?" Edward said as he wiped nonexistent tears from his eye.

"You could apologize. Here's the system: go to her house, give her an island as a present, and say you are sorry. Call the island Isle Bella and she will forgive you right away. That's what I did when I got caught with Emmet," Carlisle said cheerfully and Edward looked slightly disturbed. Carlisle cleared his throat uncomfortably, "Where's Tanya?"

"My Tanya! My lovely ladybird goddess! Oh, how I love thee!" Edward cried, wiping more nonexistent tears from his eyes.

"Yes, yes I get it. Where did she go?" Carlisle said impatiently.

"My love Tanya left me when she saw me shedding my tears of despair." Edward said dramatically, falling backward onto the floor.

"Edward, you are a vampire." Edward looked confused, and Carlisle sighed. "You can't cry. It's impossible."

Edward ignored this very wise comment. "What shall I do about my two loves?"

Carlisle was beginning to get annoyed by this conversation. "I've already told you. Buy her an island! Isle Bella! Isle Tanya! For goodness sake!" Carlisle left the room.

"I must do something that makes sense," Edward said to himself. "I know the only solution. I will go to the Volturi to kill myself." Edward jumped on Plane Esme and flew to Italy.

When he got there he was escorted by Alec into the underground castle of the Volturi. It was located in Italy's lovely sewers.

"Gosh, it smells disgusting down here." Edward exclaimed, holding his nose to avoid the putrid smell of human wastes.

"The sewer was the only place open." Alec said as he stepped in a pile of shit.

"This is so ickypants!" Edward cried in misery.

"Take that back you fiend," said Alec.

"NEVER!" Said Edward.

"You leave me no choice then except to summon Pain Jane."

Edward gasped. Pain Jane walked into the room and flexed her pain powers

"Someone needed the Pain Jane?" She asked.

"Shoot him up. He called our lair ickypants." Alec said to his twin sister.

Pain Jane shot a mega dose of pain right into Edward's…manly parts. Edward screamed in agony.

"Make it stop! Make it stop! Your lair smells like flowers! YOUR LAIR SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!"

"That's better," Pain Jane and Alec said at the same time.

"I know you are my sister," Alec said, "but I find so hot when women torture wimpy men. It's sexy."

"I think your hot and sexy," Pain Jane said to her brother. "I don't care that you're my brother!"

They ran together and started making out.

"INCEST! TWINCEST!" Edward cried and Pain Jane shot him with a pain bolt. This made Pain Jane even more attractive to Alec, so she soon forgot about Edward, her attention elsewhere.

Edward shook his head in disgust and realized he needed to find away the get the "Big Three" Volturi members…

Meanwhile, with her spare Edward free time, Bella was training to be a ninja assassin.

"Hiiiiya!" Bella said, as she chopped a row of bricks in half.

Alice, the obnoxiously peppy vampire, hopped in.

"OOOOOH! OOOH! Look at me! I can jump sooooooooooo high!"

"Stop it, Alice! You're ruining my ninja concentration."

"Sorry, but I have a message for you. Edward is going to kill himself."

Bella clenched her teeth. "Not if I get him first. Where is he?"

"He's in Italy with the Volturi! I'll help you kill him. He totally rejected my outfit for him. He must pay!"

So Badass Bella and Alice hopped on Alice's stolen private jet to Italy.

Told you Bella was going to be badass. Please review!

Love, RT