Chapter 2: Emily's POV
Jesus. Why had I had to bloody kiss her? Could I not have controlled myself better than that? Now JJ was up in that hotel room with Will and I was the one down at the bar drinking margaritas. What if she'd felt so guilty about our kiss that she'd fallen into bed with Will the minute I'd gone? My stomach rolled.
And where's that sting of judgment coming from, Em? I asked myself bitterly. She had every right to sleep with him. It was me who'd made a cheater out of her, letting her kiss me like that. I wanted to believe that nothing would have happened if he hadn't interrupted—except maybe JJ apologising and telling me it was all a big mistake—but I honestly wasn't sure. If we hadn't been in the hotel room she was sharing with Will, would I maybe have…?
But it's not what she wants. JJ kissing me had to have been an anomaly. Maybe it was one last hoorah for independence. I bet she was telling him right now that she'd marry him after all. They'd have his baby together and JJ would leave the team like Will wanted and I'd always wonder just how the hell I'd been so stupid as to let myself hope...
She'd kissed me like she'd never kissed a woman before! Slow and explorative, marvelling at the different sensations, the feel of a woman's mouth. Maybe she never had, even in college. Maybe she really was that fucking straight. I knocked back the last of my drink and was about to order another when I caught sight of Will.
Hang on. What was he doing down here again? I fell back a bit to watch him and as he reached into his pocket for his wallet I saw dried blood on his knuckles. My heart dropped into my stomach. I badly wanted to confront him but first I had to see if JJ was okay. I took the stairs. There was no way I was waiting for the elevator.
"JJ!" I was out of breath when I reached her door, more from fear than from exertion. Still, I called out. I wanted her to know that it was me and not Will coming back. "JJ, let me in, please!"
She was in my arms the moment the door was open and I held onto her tight, one arm around her shoulder and the other folded between us as I cradled her cheek in my hand.
"I saw Will," I explained hurriedly. "His hand was bleeding. Are you—?"
"He punched the mirror," JJ laughed. Yes, laughed. She was clearly still in shock. "Sorry. I was trying to clean it up when you knocked." I followed her eyes to the bathroom where I could see glass shards littering the floor through the open door. "I told him I couldn't marry him. No, worse. I told him I was breaking up with him. He couldn't hit a woman carrying his child but he wanted to. He wanted to, Em."
She sounded exhilarated but I was exhausted by the sight of her. My heart was still beating fast but my head was crashing down from the adrenalin high. My thumb stroked her cheek of its own accord even as my brain screamed at me to get away from her now I'd ascertained she was okay.
"It's going to take some negotiating," JJ said breathlessly. "With the baby, I mean. But I'm free, Em. I'm finally rid of the bastard." She nodded toward the couch where Will's things had lain an hour ago but were now gone. "I told him he'd better not come back here tonight. Judging from the alcohol I can smell on your breath, you saw him on his way to get properly pissed and pass out downstairs."
Now I did try to pull away, embarrassed, but JJ had slipped her arms around my waist and was holding on tight.
"Did you mean it before?" She asked earnestly. "You said you had feelings for me. I think you did. Maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. I can't remember now. You definitely said you were gay."
"But you aren't," I whispered. God help me, I didn't know how to handle this. "JJ, be honest. Have you ever been with a woman in your life?"
"Just because I've never done it, doesn't mean I haven't thought about it or wanted to," JJ protested. "I have, Em. I've thought about you..." I could see her throat move as she swallowed and the intimacy of that sight, combined with our proximity, had me drawn as tight as a bowstring. "I've appreciated your slim waist, your toned thighs, your ass..." A whimper escaped my lips as her hands slid down my body on course with her words. "Your cheekbones, your gorgeous nose, your dark lips..." These places she traced with her own lips and I was helpless but to let her.
"JJ you can't have thought this through," I gasped as her mouth descended on my sensitive throat. Why was I being tested this way? I'd wanted her for so long. It wasn't fair! "You like men. Will is a chauvinistic asshole but there are plenty of good ones out there. Like Reid, for instance!"
JJ chuckled deeply against my pulse point, "You want me to go find Spence instead, Emily?"
"It was just an example!" I answered. Fuck… I have no right to be jealous. I have no right. She doesn't really want me. She's just confused. "Jayj, you've never been in a relationship with a woman. I'm not going to be the lesbian best friend you sleep with just to try it out. If you want me then there's going to come a day when we have to tell the team, when you have to tell your family and friends about me. Your baby is going to have to know who I am. I'm not just going to be mummy's-friend-Emily. JJ, I can't—"
Now she did pull away and I was torn between breathing out a sigh of relief and pulling her back into my chest. Why did this have to be so complicated? I was okay when I thought there was no hope of her wanting me too. I could be happy for her with Will, at least to the point that it became apparent how badly he treated her.
"Do you think I'm going to do that to you?" She asked, and although I could tell from her expression that it had come out more harshly than she intended, it still hurt. She softened her tone with apparent difficulty. "I know I kept things quiet with Will for a long time but that was because my heart wasn't in it. The baby just happened, Emily, and then he started using it against me. I didn't say anything because I wanted to pretend it wasn't real... I felt trapped into a relationship with him. But, Em, I will fight for a relationship with you."
Her lips connected with mine, harder this time. I knew what she wanted but I couldn't give it to her. If I didn't keep her at arm's length I was going to do something stupid…
"Then stop trying to turn me on," I begged her. "If you're making sure you can, then congratulations. I want you, JJ. I want you more than I've wanted anyone in a really long time. But we have to move slower than this. Falling into bed with me when I've been drinking and you've just left Will is a bad idea and I won't mess this up like that."
I didn't mention that a significant chunk of my anxiety was stemming from the fact that I wasn't sure exactly where JJ lay on the sexuality spectrum. What if she only wanted to like me and I couldn't turn her on? That was one confession too many for tonight.
JJ's eyes seemed to clear and she nodded reluctantly, taking a step back. "Okay, but can you stay with me, Em? I promise I won't even touch you if you don't want me to. I just don't want to be alone..."
Her eyes flickered to the bathroom and I nodded, touching her arm gently as I felt my body and my heart rate begin to calm down. Honestly, what was I going to say? She had my heart on a string.
"I was so scared when I saw Will down there, Jayj… I really thought he'd snapped and hurt you."
JJ placed her hand over mine understandingly. "I promise I'm okay, Em. Will may have a different code of behaviour to us but he sticks to it firmly. I knew he wouldn't hurt me or the baby."
"You still should have waited until he was sober to tell him," I sighed. I couldn't hold it against her though. Especially not when she whispered how she hadn't wanted to have to get into bed with him again. "How about you get into bed now and I'll clean up the glass? When I'm done I'll get changed and I'll… We can…" I chewed my lip and gave her a helpless look.
"We can cuddle," JJ supplied too-innocently.
I suppressed a groan as I turned toward the bathroom and saw JJ drop her gown out of the corner of my eye. This was not going to be easy.