Just when I think things are doing ok, that I have some kind of handle on this pretending to be a chick thing, I run into Jimmy. Or he runs into me.

"Well, well, well. Coinky dinky, my stinky pinky. Here we are again," he says as he forces me backwards and presses me up against a wall. I being to have trouble breathing, between his skunk like cologne and him being so close to me.

Despite my size and the fact that I could kick his ass if I wanted to, he backs me up against the wall with no trouble. I don't understand why but the second my back touches the wall, I can't breath. I feel trapped, helpless, and terrified, but I don't know why. The night before flashes through my mind, finding him in my room, and KOK guys groping me while I'm tangled in the net with Dave and Doofer. Then just as I start to get light headed I feel something hard pressing against the book I'm holding in front of me. Realizing what it is I try get out of there. When he starts sliding something into my shirt, I finally break free and get away. I don't stop going till I'm sitting in an abandoned stairwell trying to breath, tears making the makeup on my face run.

Why is this affecting me so much? I ask myself, as I pull the offending piece of paper out of my shirt, only to throw it as far away from me as I can, down the stairwell. It's not like anythings different. I'm still me right? I'm still Adam? The fact that nothing's really happened doesn't escape me, but it doesn't make the panic inside me any less strong, any less paralyzing.

I don't even know how long I sit there but when I hear the five minute warning bell, signaling that there's only five minutes left of class, I run to a bathroom and lock myself in a stall. I stay there the whole day till the end of classes, then I try to rush back to the DOG house, the heels on my feet making it hard to walk in let alone run. A block and a half away from the house two guys driving past in a car yell "fat ass, dog girl" at me as they drive by, then throw a drink at me. It takes me the rest of the walk back to the DOG house and a few minutes standing outside the door for the newly found tears to stop streaming down my already tear stained face.

After yelling at the three girls sitting in the living room, whose names I can't remember, I try to go up the stairs finally tripping over the shoes that have been threatening to trip me all day, after only two steps.

When I get to the room, I shut the door and yell, " I can't take this!" I can't take the constantly feeling worthless. Nobody think's Adina is pretty, probably not even Jimmy. He just sees her as a way to get his numbers up. Was it only when you were beautiful did people think you're worth something? That final thought made my blood run cold. If that was true then nobody would ever think anything of Adina. She wasn't what anyone could call beautiful.

When Daisy asks me what my problem is, I yell about the bra rubbing my skin raw, my "fat ass", and the shoes I'm wearing that keep making me twist my ankle. When really they're nothing compared to the fear, terror, and confusion that is going through my mind, that I can't even make sense of.

When I realize they won't get it unless I tell them about the other stuff, and maybe not even then, I give up and go hide in a stall in the DOG bathroom till it gets dark. Only leaving when my stomach starts hurting from lack of food.

DISCOVERING ADINA

Two days later I decide that I really can't take another second of this, that it's all becoming too much for me. When I go to tell Daisy and Roberta, Roberta announces another plan. One that I hate even more than the first plan that got us into this whole mess in the first place. He wants me to go out on a date, with Jimmy. Then when he calls Jimmy my boyfriend it takes everything in me for me not to break down right then and there.

And once again they convince me to go along with another plan. I tell myself that it's easier to just go along, that this whole thing won't be over until we get that tape.

So I call Jimmy, and he jumps at the chance to take Adina out. Inside I'm quaking in fear, and fighting back tears.

When we get back to my old room Jimmy quickly turns off the lights and by the time I switch them back on he's only wearing a robe again.

"No," I whisper to myself as I see Jimmy in the robe again, knowing exactly what he wants to do.

"Come in," he says to me despite me already being in the room. "Take a load off."

I brush Jimmy's hand off my shoulder.

"So you like my robe baby?" He asks as he touches himself through the robe running his hands down his chest. "I only settle for the very best... Let's fuck."

As he launches himself at me I can't help but put my hand up and push him away, suggesting a drink first, to loosen things up, and given me a chance to drug him.

DISCOVERING ADINA

As I slowly drift in and out of consciousness I realize my arms are wrapped around someone. I squeeze my eyes shut for fear of what I'll see if I open them. After a few minutes I get up enough courage to open my eyes, and I see my worst fears realized. I'm in bed with Jimmy.

I take many deep breaths trying to calm myself down and stop myself from hyperventilating, but it doesn't work. I quickly leaned over the side of the bed as last night's dinner made a reappearance. After a minute or so I sit back up trying to get my breathing under control, a strong acidic burn in my throat, and tears threatening to fall from my eyes. After a few minutes I'm calmer, I turn to look to see where the tape is. As I look around the floor I noticed the box full of porn tapes is gone. This sends me into an even bigger panic. It makes everything I went through worthless because I don't have the tape. I'm so angry, and I can't even think straight. I'm so confused and disoriented the by the time I get in the hall I realize my biggest mistake so far. In the hallway is the whole KOK house making me do the walk of shame. I walk down the hall as fast as I can, punching a guy halfway down the hall then tripping over my shoes again. Though not without a little help from one of the KOK guys, who just happened to have his foot there at that moment. By the time I get to the end of the hall and they take my picture, and my face is once again covered with tears. I run out of the house as fast as I can desperate to get inside the DOG house.

Once inside I don't stop till I get to the room I share with Daisy and Roberta. When I do I can't go in, for fear of running into Dave, and Doofer and having them ask questions. I had no idea it would be anything like that, the walk of shame. It was so degrading, so horrible to walk down that hall, I wanted to die. I can't believe I let that happened to all those girls, now knowing how horrible it is.

When I finally get enough strength to go in, Roberta asks me where I was, and I try to lie but when I go to sit down something pokes me. I stand up to find dried cum on my skirt. I stand in shock. I can't move. I can't breathe. I barely even realize Daisy when she comes walking into the room. He then has the nerve to ask where the tape is.

"The Tape? Oh, the tape... Let me tell you about the tape Dave. somewhere between the ribs and the Rohypnol, I had the tape. But what happened? You fucked me over Dave! And now the tape is in a blue crate on it's way to the boat."

"So... you didn't get the tape?" He asked, looking confused as to why I'm angry.

"Where were you last night Dave? What happened to the wingman?"

All I can think is how did he let this happen to me, he was supposed to help me, protect me. I take one look at face and I know that he was with Leah. I feel so betrayed.

I barely pay attention as we throw words back and forth at each other but when he says I'll never be half the woman she is, I break. How could he say that? He has no right to say that. He doesn't know the real me. He knows Adam, the man whore, frat guy. He doesn't know that Adina is closer to the real me then Adam will ever be, than even I knew she could be.

"You take that back."

"No."

"You take it back," I cry.

"No."

"I real friend would have had my back last night," I say feeling betrayed.

"Looks like Jimmy got there first," says Dave satisfaction laced with cruelty in his voice.

As Dave goes to leave I tackle him in a fit of rage. As we fight he kicks me in the balls making the pain fuel my anger at him even stronger. Then with a well aimed shot with a hairbrush I knock him over the balcony, sending him tumbling to the ground below. I run down the stairs, anger fueling my movements. Somehow we end up on the front lawn. I can't stand it anymore and I break down. I make up some shit about thinking I'm so ugly that I wouldn't fuck me. That was only partly true I did think I was ugly, but I don't even know if I like women anymore, I'm that confused. Just as I go to punch him he distracts me again with a new plan. Despite the fact that I know he's manipulating me I agree to yet another bad plan.

Football.

I loved it, it was one of the best things I loved about being in a frat, there were always guys who were happy to start up a game.

As I play football with the DOG girls against the Tri-Pi's I feel terrible. Then when a Tri-Pi mentions what Jimmy had been telling people, making everyone think that what he was saying happened between me and him. I hide the tears that spring up and fight the urge to collapse and fall apart right then and there.