Disclaimer: Same old same old.

Artemis Fowl the Second did not appreciate taking lunch with the other boys. In fact, he'd only done it once and that was something he planned on never doing again. Substituting his dorm living room for the school lunchroom was a great improvement for his eating habits. He found himself enjoying the silence and absorbing the calmness around him. Surprising everyone, he made his own lunch: nice lean sandwich and salad. Sometimes even a dash of caviar snuck its way into the meal.

He tried to share his caviar with Tom, once. Tom nearly broke down in tears when he found out what it was made from. Artemis almost found it troublesome now that Tom had brought it up, but it was too good to give up. However, he was not addicted. Caviar was a treat, and today, he was going to need it.

Rarely was he interrupted, seeing as he had second lunch and Tom had first, so he was quite irked when a knock came at the door. Continuing on with what he was doing, Artemis screwed the lid tight and cut his sandwich in half. A second knock sounded as he sat down to eat.

"Damn it Fowl, open this motherfucking door!" Artemis scoffed slightly and continued to assist his lunch in its disappearing act. "Tom is heavy, Fowl. I can't hold him for long and he forgot his keys."

Artemis set his sandwich down and looked over at the door. "What a shame."

There was a pause and Artemis imagined the other boy shifting Tom's weight. "Would you please open the door before I break it down." Artemis turned back to his sandwich. "I mean, as hot as you are under all those layers, I doubt you'd be too please to have to dress in front of an open door."

Taking his sweet time, Artemis gracefully unlocked the door and stepped away. "Patience is a virtue."

"Time is money." The boy strode past Artemis and took a left allowing Artemis to catch a glimpse of Tom's body draped in this intruder's arms. Artemis went back to his-own business and didn't make any motion to see what was going on in Tom's room.

"Thank you for the delayed reaction, Fowl." Artemis didn't bother to look up. He knew the boy had re-emerged from Tom's room. "I've tilted his head to the side but check in on him from time to time. It would be a crying shame if he drowned in his own puke."

Artemis raised a brow as he looked up. "And I shall tell the paramedics why you did not call them first."

"He's sick, not drunk." Amber eyes flashed angrily through the wire frames and blond trusses were shook to left side of the face. "I pray you never attend med school." Before Artemis had a chance to smirk the boy was out the door and shutting it behind him.

Moments later he heard groaning and a silent pitter-patter to their bathroom and a lovely slam echoed through the lonesome dorm room. Tom, to Artemis' displeasure, had not made it to the bathroom toilet. Artemis could distinguish the sound of vomit hitting the floor and Tom's gut dry-heaving what wasn't there. He was glad that he had finished lunch so quickly and now that Tom was awake, he could leave just as quickly.

Making sure to grab his keys, he left Tom to his own demise and started towards his next session with Dr. Po. Allowing himself a few moments to have a silent laugh as he passed through the office and it's halls lined with framed degrees. The secretary waved him in as he passed her making sure that she wrote down the time he came. He was not in the mood for games today and decided that he would do whatever it took to get in and out.

Which usually made it ten times worse.

Sliding into one of the chairs, he found himself confronted with the same routine. Dr. P was still trying to information out of Artemis about his problems. If there were any problems that he had, he already knew about them, and didn't need to discuss them with this imposter.

And yes, he had told that to Dr Po once. The man had a baffled look but then found something humorous in the statement.

A tap sounded as Po set his legal pad onto the table. "Mr. Fowl, do you find our sessions to be a joke of some sorts?"

"No. I find it a waste of my time." Artemis lounged in his chair as he spoke. Dr. Po sighed softly to himself. It would take a miracle for this boy to make any friends. "The first and last person who understood me is burned into my memory. A memory not for your dissection."

" Is that so?" Po leaned back in his chair. "Are friends a waste of you time and a memory, as well?"

"I have friends, Dr. I do not need your or my parents' intervention on that aspect of my life as well. Not just a memory." That had to be the best shut down issued ever. If any other child had said it fireworks would have gone off and a monument would have been constructed on the spot. Only, none of that would happen because it was Artemis Fowl. These things came natural.

"Would one your own age really hurt you?" Artemis wanted to reply yes. How could one not? The friends his own age already got him into enough trouble as it was, why would one his own age be any different?

"We're talking physical age, aren't we?" There was a nod. "We've gone over this."

And this was when the bomb went off. "Yes, and then your parents and I went over it. If you want these 'sessions' to cease and desist, we've decided on a candidate to be your friend. Or at least, get the ball rolling." Artemis almost protested and almost walked out. That was not the way to handle the situation.

There was no giving this idea the chance to exist. "This is all on the assumption I agree to the plan." Though, he did trust his parents, he still wished that they had consulted him. Indeed he had seen the many e-mails drifting between his parents and Po, but he hadn't intervened because that was their private business, not his. He glanced back up at Po, who had started to talk again.

"You will meeting each other come fin-"

Artemis held his hand up to silence the other man. "And you will be watching to see if we get along. Charming." Now he had a week to figure out who he would be spending his summer with. Intrigued with who the other boy might be, Artemis now had a project to amuse his brain with. Tom and he were going to have a very interesting conversation tonight; somehow, Artemis was going to find out who it was that he was paired up with and what they were all about before he met them. Artemis smirked as he got up to leave.

Poor Tom. That boy's life really sucks sometimes.