Lost and Forgotten
Chapter 2: A Healer and a Pimp
Firque's Journal: 20th day of Blossomflower, 14th Era, Age of the Old God;
Garamond. That's the name of the wizard I recruited yesterday. He has dark brown hair and forest green eyes. He stands a few inches taller than me, so about 6 feet 3 inches. He's 21 years old. He is a wizard, which is illegal in this world at the moment. I recently learned that a resurrected Old God has changed the world outside my clan drastically since the least scout left to check it. My clan wants to isolate themselves from this world. I think we should be much more involved. After all the crappy laws, it's a wonderful place. Garamond and I need to find a healer for his knee. He was shot in our escape form the last city we were in. We got the arrow out and bandaged it, but we need it healed fast. A cleric is our best bet. Also, I found this journal at the abandoned campsite we stopped at last night. I guess I should stop for today.
P.S.—Happy Birthday, Mom. I'll be back to visit soon.
"All done," Firque said to himself.
"With what?" Garamond asked, sitting up.
"My journal. I'm gonna start keeping one," he said with a smile.
"Interesting." Garamond stood up, using a stump beside him to help himself. His leg was slightly better. He could kind of walk now. He took a piece of horsehair from a pouch in his robe and summoned a mount for us. I walked over to him and helped him onto it. After I was on, I took the reins and started down the path to the next settlement once again.
"Hm. So he found his wizard," said the shady figure that was watching from the bushes. "The boss is definitely gonna be happy about this." The figure faded into the shadows of the forest.
"Firque," Garamond spoke up.
"Yeah? What do you need?"
"If I'm reading your map correctly, there should be a small village ahead. There's a small temple to Celestia, the pretty pony princess. They should have a cleric that can heal me. There's also a temple to Bob, but we don't want to go their."
"Why don't we wa-"
"We. Do not. Want to go. To the temple of Bob. Just trust me on this one."
"Um… Okay?" Firque wasn't sure who Bob was, but whatever.
"Bob is the god of randomness. Entering his temple is like entering an Odyssey. Just. Don't."
"Okay… So… can we visit Celestia someday? I've really been wanting to go the Equestria Province," Firque told him.
"… Sure…" Garamond wanted to as well, but he was a closet brony. So he can fuck off. I feel like that grammar's off, but whatever.
They made it to the village an hour and a half later. Which was good, because Garamond was out of horsehair, and he only had enough power to make the mount last for 2 hours. The two of them walked into the village all like #YOLOSWAG motha fucka. I'll let you picture that. As they walked over to the temple of Celestia, Firque saw the temple of Bob. "…" Garamond wasn't watching. He sprinted for the temple of Bob.
"Firque! NO!" Garamond yelled, running after him. Firque made it into the temple first. Garamond had no choice but to go in after him…
Someday, I will write about what happened here. But for now, my imagination is fixated on the situation at hand.
Garamond and Firque came out of the temple a few hours later. Garamond's knee was better, Firque had a brand new mithril dagger, and Garamond learned a spell to summon the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Also, they were pretty sure that they were married to a very highly intelligent shovel and an even more intelligent candy bracelet.
Garamond looked to Firque. Firque looked back at Garamond. "We will never, ever, ever speak of this to anyone as long as we live and in whatever eternal hell we are now damned to for eternity. Agreed?" Garamond asked.
"Agreed," Firque answered. The two of them stiffly walked to the temple of Celestia. There were two pegasus guards standing at the entrance. "Hey," Firque said to them. They didn't answer. He stopped in front of the one on the right. "Hey." Neither of them budged. Firque took a deep breath of air. "Hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihiihihihihihihihihihihihihihihiiiiiiiiii!" Nothing. "Man, fuck…" Firque walked inside. "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven randomly came on. You know, because it came on iHeart Radio while I was typing this.
"Hello, and welcome to the temple of Celestia," a young white unicorn with a sun inside of a large star for her butt tattoo and a dark red mane said sweetly. "Is there anything we can help you with?" she asked. Then she looked at them more closely. "Oh dear. You two went to the temple of Bob didn't you?"
"Yup," Firque answered, the song on my phone switching to "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin.
"… Did you marry a shovel?" she asked.
"Nope. That was Garamond. I got the candy bracelet."
"Oh…" she sighed. "I almost wish Pinkie Pie hadn't had that temple built here…"
"Almost?" Garamond asked. "I can summon the Flying Spaghetti Monster. That's an entirely different religion. How can things like that invoke a desire for 'almost' anything?"
"… Magic?" she half-answered.
"… Sure. Wait, why are we here? My knee is healed."
"Well, we still need a cleric for the guild, I guess," Firque answered.
"Oh, you have a guild?" the unicorn asked. "Could I join?"
"It's an assassin guild," Firque answered. "I doubt you want to be a part of that."
The unicorn looked at him seriously. Like, seriously with a capital J. "Even assassins need healing,"
"… Wait, you really want to join us?" Firque asked. "It'll be dangerous."
"Can't be as dangerous as Rainbow Dash practicing her tricks for the Wonderbolts in public. I've had to heal more injuries for that than Manticore attacks…" she sighed as "Cold" by Crossfade came on. "But that was back in Equestria. This is a different province that our lazy author forgot to think of a name for. Anyway, yes, I want to join your guild. My name is Scarlet Snow."
"Hm… Your mane and your coat… Yeah, I see it. Like the blood of a target on the vast tundra of the Skyrim region of the Nirn Province," Firque said creepily.
"Oh. Wonderful," Garamond looked in another direction as "The High Road" by Three Days Grace came on. And it took me a very long time to think of a name for Scarlet. Leave me alone. Names are hard.
"So! Now we need a pimp!" Firque exclaimed.
"Why. The. Fuck. Do we need a pimp?" Garamond asked.
"For blending in with the crowds, duh. Haven't you ever heard of the war between the Assassins and the Templars? Everyone uses hookers to hide." Just then, "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd came on. Yes, I am keeping you all updated on the music I am listening to. Also, a Manticore ran into the temple. "Uh-oh. HOOKERS! ARE THERE ANY HOOKERS?! I NEED TO HIDE, HOOKERS!"
"Ugh… Or, we could just kill it and get experience points," Garamond said.
"Oh. Oh yeah! This is the night," he cocked a random hand crossbow that came out of nowhere, "bitches die." He shot it in the foot. Yes, he shot the giant lion scorpion bat thing in the foot. "Man, I am a really bad shot."
"Let me handle this," Scarlet said as "Halfway Gone" by Lifehouse came on. She cast a spell at the Manticore. It looked like it was going to piss itself and ran away. "Fear spell. I have the powers of the Death and Fire domains."
"I wouldn't expect that from a cleric of Celestia," Garamond said. "Honestly, I expected the Healing and Good domains. You can still heal, right?"
"Well duh. Domain spells and Cleric spells are two different things. Also, I'm actually a cleric of Luna." She poured some water on her ass-tat and the paint came off to show a crescent moon surrounded by several stars. "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran, baby.
"Yeah, that's more like it," Firque said. "I like Luna better anyway. I mean, who doesn't? She's adorable. Almost as adorable as Fluttershy." I couldn't type that with a straight face. Nothing comes anywhere near that close. EXCEPT MY GIRLFRIEND. I'd rather not be killed when she reads this, so yeah. You guys can't blame me… And that doesn't mean I'm lying either!
"So… this pimp we're looking for… where would we find him?" Garamond asked Firque.
"Hell if I know. I've been in a secluded clan of elves whose particular subtype is currently classified. Here's a hint' They're not Wood Elves. Or High Elves. Or Dark Elves. Or Blood Elves. Or Wild Elves. Those are all your hints." Firque is a special kind of elf…
"I would normally ask about that, but finding a pimp is more important right now." … Wait for it… "What the fuck did I just say?"
"Let's find us a pimp!" Firque shouted loudly. He got a LOT of stares form clerics and worshippers as the three of them awkwardly left the temple. "I think we should start in the Red Light District."
"What Red Light District?" Garamond asked. "This is a sparsely populated village with two temples in it. How would their be a Red Li-"
"That one," Firque interrupted, pointing to the Red Light Distric to the left of the temple. It was one building, but that's good enough.
"Oh… fuck you, let's hurry up and get a pimp." … "FUCK! That came out wrong!"
Firque jogged ahead into the building, which was more of a shack. There was a black guy inside wearing a purple furry coat with a purple furry hat that had a feather sticking out of it, a golden cane, and gold-trimmed sunglasses. There were also thirteen hos. "Hello good sir. Are you a pimp?"
"Y~es I a~m!" he said with one of those rapper voice synthesizers. "Are you in need of my se~rvi~ce~es?" he asked Firque.
"Yeah, I need a pimp to join my assassin guild so I can use hookers to hide in large crowds of everyday people that look nothing like hookers and places where there are absolutely no people to be seen whatsoever other than the hookers and me."
"I can set you u~p with tha~t! I just ne~ed you to pro~mise you'll help me adverti~se!"
"You got it man. What's your name, anyway?" Firque asked him.
"Diddy~ Pu~mp Daddy~ , baby!" He told him.
"Got it. Diddy Pump Daddy. That sounds much better with the synthesizer."
"Yeah~, I get that lo~t." He turned to the ho's. "Gi~rls! Diddy~'s gotta go~ for a whi~le. You be good while I'm go~ne, oka~y?" The girls all smiled and nodded. Diddy and Firque walked out of the shack and bumped into Garamond and Scarlet.
"So, is this our pimp?" Garamond asked.
"We~ll, I usu~ally deal in wome~n, but I suppo~s I could make an exce~ptio~n for you~."
"… Fuck it. Let's just go," Garamond said. He plucked a hair from Scarlet, who jabbed him in the ass with her horn, and summoned another mount. "… Fuck. I need two…" He looked at Scarlet. He lunged for another hair, but she dodged and poked him in the ass. So Firque plucked a hair from her tail.
"Ow! Firque, that was mean!" she told him. He looked down and apologized.
"… Wait, how do you know my name?" he asked her.
"Garamond told me," she said as Firque gave Garamond the other hair.
"Ah. Well this is-"
"Diddy~ Pu~mp Daddy~, baby! At your servi~ce."
"Nice to meet you. I think we should get on the road. Aren't you two being chased or something?" she asked Firque and Garamond.
"…"
"…"
"…~"
"So that's a yes?" she asked. Garamond picked her up and Firque and Diddy jumped on one horse. Garamond brought Scarlet on the other. They rode out of town just in time to avoid the soldiers that rode in. "… You know I can run on my own, right?"
"Yeah, but horses are faster," Garamond told her.
They rode off into the sunset, riding to whatever they may happen to find next, this time with a Cleric and a Pimp alongside them.
The Order of Dusk
Moral of the Day: Always work for a better tomorrow. One where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
(Space for other stuff later. Maybe. I don't know yet. That's why it's here)
Members:
Firque- Assassin, Level 1: Leader
Garamond- Wizard, Level 1: Guild Mage
Scarlet Snow- Cleric, Level 1: Guild Healer
Diddy Pump Daddy- Pimp, Level 1: Guild Pimp