Author: Mary Eve Parker
Email: mary_eve_parker@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17 – what else am I writing?
Category: Scully/other, MSR, Angst
Spoiler: Somewhere after Millennium
Summary: Scully is invited to a class reunion. Mulder finds the inviting letter. She didn't want to go to it, now she has to
Disclaimer: unfortunately Scully and Mulder don't belong to me – they belong to CC. If they would be mine..
*****
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
*****
Part 2/? Scully POV
*****
Mulder's office
10.00am
I just came in. After my visit at Mulder's yesterday I went home and couldn't believe what he told me. I wanted to sleep but I wasn't able to. His words consumed me causing great pain.
Max had phoned me later that night. I told him that I didn't want to see him today. He was angry but said okay. He knew that I need some space. That something was bothering me and I wasn't myself. I had said to often that I am fine.
I always thought that Mulder would end up with the X-Files. I believed that I would be the first one to leave but he did instead and because of me.
I had found his letter when I came in this morning but I haven't been brave enough to open it yet. I am afraid to find out what I have done wrong.
I was wearing blue jeans, a green v-neck pullover, and the scarf. The scarf was wonderful. He had never bought me anything until now. I always knew that he was a gentleman. I also realized that he was not himself yesterday.
An inner voice told me that I should phone him, talk to him, to find out what exactly was the matter.
I dialed his number but all I got was a "This number is no longer in service" message. Another small piece of my heart broke.
'Okay Dana, I said to myself, open this letter and see what is says.'
Slowly I let my fingers glide under the flap of the envelope. On the front side was just "To Special Agent Dana K. Scully M.D." in Mulder's handwriting. It hurt that the address was so formal and impersonal.
I opened it, nearly cutting my finger but at this point I didn't care. I pulled out a single sheet of paper. Type written! 'Shit'
The letter was addressed to " Dana K. Scully M.D., " 'Why do you do things like this to me, Mulder. You are my best friend and now you leave me without telling me face to face why. Oh shit Mulder, you mean so much to me and now you are gone and I still don't know why.
I finally started to read it.
"Dana K. Scully M.D.,
As you read this you will be at your desk. You always wanted a desk and now you have the one, which had been mine for ages. I have decided to leave the X-Files and you. For to long it had been about you. A couple of days ago I realized I wasn't able to stand it anymore. I have to often been hurt by your thoughts, words and actions and I find I can no longer overlook them."
'What have I done to you, Mulder! What have I said? You could have let me know in a different way. Why didn't you just tell me what's going on in your mind? You still haven't told me what caused you to end the most important chapter of your life.'
"I thought that I would never leave the X-Files but they are all yours now. I will always be interested in the paranormal but I will not work with you on them anymore. Too many things happened lately and it wouldn't work any more.
By the time you find this letter A.D. Skinner will have my resignation on his desk. I know that he will be shocked and he will not understand because I did not tell him why I resigned. The reasons should not be important for him, just that I would not be back.
I will not be leaving you a forwarding address or phone number I expect that you'll soon forget me."
'Oh Mulder! I could never forget you! I love you! I would never want to see you in pain.' I could not believe the pain that drove his to write this.
Tears were running down my face as I continued to read.
" You'll soon forget me. You have a new life now and there is no space left for me in it. It's good the way it is now. It makes many things easier. You will be happier and healthier without me and maybe, somewhere in time, your dream to have children will become real."
'What are you talking about Mulder?'
"I will miss the x files but I'm not sure if I will miss you. If the x files are closed I'm sure that you will find something better to work on, maybe teach at Quantico again. A job that will not cause you a lot of pain and scare you to death twice a week.
Stay alive and I wish only the best for you and your new life!
Mulder"
I started to re-read the letter. I couldn't believe it. What was he talking about – a new life? Maybe Skinner will know more about all this shit.
I put the letter back into the envelope and put it in the back pocket of my Levis. I grabbed my keys and my cell from my, his, desk and went to the elevator.
'What could that all be about? What was he referring to?' I've never seen him like he was yesterday at his apartment.
In the elevator I let my fingers rest on the scarf. I imagined that it smelled like him. I would do anything for him to come back.
I can't believe he would leave me alone with his life's work.
I've always thought that I would be the first one who resigned from the X- Files. The work hadn't always been mine as it had been his. It was sometimes really strange and beyond my understanding. Many things had happened during the last years and he was always there, always given me a shoulder to cry on. Even when my health deteriorated with my bout with cancer, or when I found Emily, Seldom had I given him the chance to hold me. Until a couple of weeks ago on New Years Eve we had kissed. It was just a lip-to-lip brush, not a real kiss – unfortunately. My hand rested above my heart, the fingers in the fabric of the scarf. I went into Skinner's the waiting room. Sarah was sitting at her desk reading the new Cosmopolitan.
"Hello Sarah, is Skinner in?"
"Sorry Scully, He's not here but he should be back in about 10 minutes."
"Thanks. I'll wait."
I sat down in a chair near Sarah. She starred at me playing with the new pale pink fabric.
"Can I ask you a question Scully?" . I was so preoccupied just thinking about being alone now, without Mulder that I had not noticed that she had gotten up and was now sitting next to me. My heart was breaking and tears were forming behind my eyes.
I nodded in response.
"Well I noticed this new scarf you are wearing. How should I say it?"
"Just say it Sarah."
"Well, yesterday Mulder came up here to have a chat with Skinner but Skinner had been busy. We had a short talk and agreed to go for coffee later."
I nodded, wanting to hear more.
"Well … I read the letter he handed Skinner today and I was shocked. It's completely different from what we'd discussed yesterday."
"Which was … ?"
"Mulder met Jared and me at the new Starbucks. Well he was real sad and obviously not himself. That's why I asked him if he wanted to meet for coffee so that we could talk, He really looked like he needed someone to talk to. Well … there he told me what was on his mind."
"And?"
"He resigned because of you."
"That's the only thing he told me yesterday. I still don't know what I did to make him leave."
"What happened yesterday Dana?"
" I was waiting for him at his apartment when he came home. I arrived about an hour before him. We needed to talk. Well I needed something to do while I waited so I cleaned up the mess in the living room. He was angry when he came in and began shouting at me without telling me what he was so mad about,"
She nodded. "Dana, I know this is none of my business but I always thought that Mulder was an incredibly good looking guy. If I wasn't married … well … okay … I just wanted to tell you that he resigned because you seemed to have left him and started a new life."
"He had told me the same thing, Sarah but I don't know what he means with these words – a new life."
I was crying now like a child.
"Calm down Dana. I know that this is hard for you, but he has just resigned from the FBI".
I shook my head.
"Not only his job. He has also moved out of his apartment.
"It's the truth Sarah. He told me that he's leaving forever because of me. I don't know what he means by that. And the only thing he told me is in this letter I found today on the desk in his office."
I handed her the letter and she read it. From her look I could tell she didn't believe the words he had typed.
"He loves you Dana – that's the reason why he resigned. He couldn't stand you dating another man, having …"
"Dana!" She said harshly. "I only have to say one three letter word: MAX."
Holy shit! How could he know about Max? Max – a chapter of it's own. Max had been a long time lover of mine when I was younger. My first man. He had decided to leave me, like Mulder did today, about 11 years ago for a big- boobs bimbo named Sharon. Sharon was a bitch if anybody had ever asked me. Max had been my first big love. I needed a long time to go over him. The first time I really felt like a woman is when I signed onto the X-Files. But now everything was over.
Max came back into my life just recently, He was still a good looking guy, quite intelligent and hard working. We had met by accident and gone out to dinner, a couple of days ago. One thing led to another and we would up in bed together, for old time sake. But I knew that I would never be able to give him a full committed relationship like he wanted.
"But how did he find out
"From what he told me yesterday He had called you and it had been Max who had answered your phone."
"That had been Mulder? Shit!" I remembered the call. By the time Max had handed me the phone who ever it had been had hung up. I did not know until now that it had been Mulder on the line. I never thought that Mulder could be jealous. Not my Mulder. My?
"Yes it was him and he was really destroyed after it. It made him cry, Scully. This is the first time I've seen him cry since you nearly died of cancer.
She was right. Mulder was a strong man. He never cried. Not Mulder.
"What should I do Sarah?"
"What do you want to do now? You have a boyfriend and that's the reason why he left."
"Max is not my boyfriend! He is just casual dalliance. We had been a couple ages ago, and he wants me back. I can't give Max what he wants but we decided we could still have sex …"
"But that's the same Dana."
"No it's not. I never loved Max."
Her eyes grew wider open. "How am I supposed to understand this?"
"I love Mulder. I have for ages now. But you know … I am the Ice Queen … I … was …" I began to cry bitter tears. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me like the friend I needed . "I could never allow myself to let him near enough, never allowed him to touch me. I didn't have the strength…"
"You love him. Why didn't you tell him this yesterday?"
"I couldn't. There was no time and I was afraid that he wouldn't return my love. It's complicated. A long time ago I fell in love with Max yet he left me without a backward glance. It nearly killed me. I am afraid to be hurt again like Max did ages ago. Now Mulder left me just like Max did."
"But Max came back."
"Mulder won't."
She nodded in agreement.
"You have to find him Dana. Make sure he knows how you feel."
"But how can I find him?"
"I don't know Dana. I don't know."
I saw Skinner coming into the room. I whipped away the tears and Sarah and I stood up.
"Could I have a word with you Sir?"
"I wanted to come down to speak with you. What the holy hell happened
"Not out here." Sarah said as she opened the door to his inner office.
Once we were both seated I proceeded to tell him the whole story. He was surprised and shocked at the story I told. . He also told me I needed to find Mulder. I hadn't told him that I loved him and until I did there would never be peace for either of us.
In addition my own ego told me that I had to find Fox, tie him to the bed and fuck the brains out of him – that's how angry I was.
Everybody always thought that I am such a small and conservative woman, but they only wanted to see that side of me – not the dominant one who loved hard sex and multiple orgasms. Nobody ever asked me.
Mulder loved to invade my private space, and I was stupid to let him feel that this was wrong. Now he's gone and will never know much I loved to be near him.
I left Skinner's office and headed toward the elevator. Where should I start to look for him? There are so many places and I don't know him as well as I should."
"Dana …" I heard a voice behind me. I turned around. It was Sarah.
"I am not sure if it will help you Dana but I remember that he had once told me about one of his dreams – ages ago but maybe it will help you."
"Tell me!"
"He said that if he ever had the time he would want to go back to Oxford. He hadn't been there for ages. But on the other hand he mentioned that he had something to work out in Grand Rapids."
"Grand Rapids?" I looked at her. "What does he have to do in that little shit town? I told him more than once that I really hate it there."
"Maybe that's it, I don't know Dana. I thought it might help you."
"Yeah thanks. By the way Sarah," I let the elevator go without me and asked her a silly question that had been on my mind.
"You said that you had coffee with him. When he came back he gave me this scarf. Do you know something about this?"
She grinned at me, conspiratorially but then nodded.
"Well I am not sure if I should tell you about it
"Just spill it Sarah." I said angrily.
"Well, Dana, he knows about your class reunion in Grand Rapids and this scarf was to remind you of your youth. I think, it's just my opinion, but I think that he wanted you to ask him to go with you – pretend to be your boyfriend. He just wanted to make you a gift. Don't ask me now why he changed his mind. I don't know."
"How did he find out about it?"
"The invitation you left on your desk, he said".
"Oh yes." I couldn't believe it. Mulder would pretend to be 'my' man. He would have done this for me and I was dating Max. Max was such a selfish ass but to be honest, damn good in bed.
" Dana, you are mature enough to see the love behind this gift, aren't you? You should leave right now and go find him. And when you do tell him you need him, love him and want him back."
The elevator was back on my floor. I got in and turned around to face Sarah.
"Thanks lot Sarah. I am not sure what I would have done without you"
******
Scully's Apartment
Next morning 7.30am
My cell phone was ringing. Would it be Mulder to tell me that his decision had been wrong? I had a sleepless night. I was worried I wouldn't be able to find him. That I had lost him forever. I picked up.
"Scully" I said nervously.
"Hello darling."
"Max?" I asked, not hundred percent sure.
"Who else would I be?"
I didn't answer his question.
"Well Dana Honey I just wanted to let you know that I will be at your place in about 20 minutes to have breakfast with you."
"Forget it Max."
"Hey what happened to you?" He said with a hard voice.
"It's none of your business anymore."
"Stop that bullshit Dana. I …"
"Just forget it Max. Just leave me like you did last time."
"I thought we were done with this topic."
"Maybe you are but I'm not. I will never forget the pain you caused Me."
"Dana you know …"
"Shut up and let me live my own life on my own terms."
"You are what people say about you – a glacier ."
"No I am not Max, you should know that. But because of you and what we've done I lost my best friend, the man I loved most in my life."
"What shall … ?"
"No say nothing. Just don't come over here and don't call me again. It's over Okay!?"
He said nothing. The line went dead.
It had been easy to end this relationship or call it an affair. I wanted Mulder and nothing more. I wanted to feel him next to me and I wanted to know that he's okay.
*****
Grand Rapids – Country Side Hotel
Saturday 10 am
"I booked a room." I told the man at the registration desk of the hotel.
"Your name Madam?"
"Scully, Doctor Dana K. Scully." I said.
"I see." He looked into the computer. Then turned around and went into a room in back of the desk and came back with a package.
"Room 207 – second floor on the very left hand side. Your view is up the meadow." He said. "And this was left for you by a man a couple of days ago."
I looked at him stunned "Tall man, dark short hair, big nose, and incredible eyes?" I asked him shyly.
He nodded and gave me the keys.
"Your luggage will be delivered to your room shortly, Ms. Scully."
"Thank You." I said and went upstairs to my room the package in one hand and the key in the other. I was very curious to find out what was wrapped up in this very pretty flowered paper. It smelled like spring flowers.
Oh Mulder why didn't you just wait for me? I want you back. I need you. It would have been a real present if you would have given it to me yourself.
I heard a knock on my door. My suitcases were here. I thanked the bellboy, gave him a 5 Dollar tip and let him go. I wanted to be alone.
I sat down on the bed, the gift next to me. Slowly I let my fingers glide over the paper, softly. It was not very big, only the size of a normal sheet of paper but pretty heavy.
I laid back, the unopened box on my belly, my head against the pillows.
'Oh Mulder … You've caused me such pain. I want to know where you are. I need to find you. We have to talk. Not like we always do, I mean a true heart-to-heart talk.' I said loud to myself.
My index finger slid under the paper and slowly unwrapped the box.. Inside the paper was a light blue box. I told myself to be strong. Anything could be in this box and anyone could have left it for me. It didn't have to be Mulder; it could also have been an old friend wanting to surprise me, my mother, heck even Krycek.
Slowly my fingers opened the box and my brain went blank for a minute. I looked into the box afraid of what it could be. But it was … I couldn't believe my eyes.
There was a journal with the Rafael Angels on it, a photo of Mulder and me from a mask ball, signed with "Mr. and Mrs. Spooky", one of my old tee shirts I had in my emergency/ overnight bag at Mulder's and a videotape.
I took all those things out of the box. Under all them was a sheet of paper.
" Dana Scully," He had left the 'K' and the 'M.D.' off this time, I noticed.
" Dana Scully,
I knew that you would go to your class reunion. I wanted to go with you, to learn something about your past. To get to know you a bit better. Times have changed.
I don't need these things anymore.
Find your own way!
Fox Mulder"
My eyes shut my eyes against the pain. I began to cry and the ink on the sheet of paper started to run. Why does this man do things like this to me. Why can't he just call me or wait for me to tell me what he thinks – face to face.
Times have changed, sure, but I didn't want them to change. I want him back – him and his big nose, those wonderful eyes and his incredibly suckable lip.
I let the paper fall to the floor. A couple of minutes later, when I headed to the bathroom, I saw that there was an email address on the back of the paper:
" Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com "
I had my laptop in the car so I went down to get it and on the way back asked the man at the desk if there is an internet connection in my room.
No problem. I had enough time left before going down to the class reunion dinner to check my mail.
I took a hot shower, washed my hair and went out to write the email. Many things were going through my head. What should I tell him?
He had made me an account a couple of years ago also with "Spooky" in it and I thought about using that one.
From: Madame_spooky@yahoo.com
To: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
DD: n/c
Mulder,
Why did you give me back this tee shirt? I wanted this to be yours forever, you know. It's the one I was wearing when I was released from the hospital after my first abduction.
I haven't watched the video yet, but what message do you want me to get from all of this?
I miss you Mulder and I need to talk to you, face by face. It's not like you thought, nothing is like you thought. You misunderstood something very badly.
Please answer me quickly,
Dana
******
Grand Rapid High school
Saturday 8pm
I was wearing a new outfit by Donna Karen. It consisted of a dark green skirt and a jacket that complemented my hair color.
I wasn't in the mood for small talk. Not even with one of my best friend – Jenny. Jenny was a lawyer now . I think she told me her whole life story during a 2 hour-long monologue. She didn't ask me one question No one really seemed to be interested in me or my life, so I decided to leave early. I moved toward the door when I noticed Mulder standing in the left hand corner, wearing a tux. Incredible and breathless where the only two things which came into my mind. He looked like a Greek god.
I headed towards him, my jacket in the one hand. I had left my gun in the room, with my FBI ID. I wanted to talk to him. But he started to leave when he saw me heading toward him. I was familiar with this building and knew that the way he was headed would lead him to the sport yard. What would he want there?
"Mulder! Stop!" I shouted. I wanted him to stop, just hug him and tell him that there was nothing that would come between us.
He didn't stop, instead he walked faster. I was wearing, as usual, my high heels. Running was possible but should I? I should. I started to run and nearly crashed into a bush.
When I had my breath back I looked around and he was no longer in sight. I started to panic.
Within a couple of minutes I was back in my room, angry and tired. I couldn't cry and let everything out because I was so angry.
Call Mum, came to my mind and it was a good idea. She was always a good listener. But this time? I couldn't phone her. I couldn't phone anybody.
Check your email Dana, a little voice was telling me.
From: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
To: Madame_Spooky@yahoo.com
DD: Re: n/c
Dana Scully,
The video carries no message you should get; it's just something I don't need anymore. You were looking good in the new outfit but unfortunately you made a wrong step – like always.
I think that I really didn't misunderstand anything. I am old enough to know what's true and what's not. Don't try to change my opinion, it's senseless. I am stronger than you are. Get the message?
Mulder
Shit what was he dealing with now? Was he on drugs, drunk or something like that? I put the tape into the VCR and pushed the play button.
It seemed to be one of those videos that weren't his. It was about a little red haired woman giving a good-looking man a blowjob, a really hard one. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A porno with red heads? He had watched such movies? Red haired woman? Mulder?
From: Madame_Spooky@yahoo.com
To: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
DD: I need you
Mulder,
I need you! I want you to come back. Please Mulder tell me what made you that upset. Why you decided to leave me forever? Tell me what I've done wrong.
Love, Dana
Now I was crying and everything came out. The movie had given me the missing tension. I was lying on my belly, my arms under me, slowly getting into a fetal position, crying like a baby.
He was torturing me and I am sure that it wasn't fair. He had never given me a hint that he would be interested in me. I always thought that I wasn't his type – small breasts, tiny body and red hair. All the women he was staring at had big boobs, were as tall as he was and had blond or dark brown hair. They were all perfect. But me? I was a tiny little woman.
End Part 2
Email: mary_eve_parker@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17 – what else am I writing?
Category: Scully/other, MSR, Angst
Spoiler: Somewhere after Millennium
Summary: Scully is invited to a class reunion. Mulder finds the inviting letter. She didn't want to go to it, now she has to
Disclaimer: unfortunately Scully and Mulder don't belong to me – they belong to CC. If they would be mine..
*****
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
*****
Part 2/? Scully POV
*****
Mulder's office
10.00am
I just came in. After my visit at Mulder's yesterday I went home and couldn't believe what he told me. I wanted to sleep but I wasn't able to. His words consumed me causing great pain.
Max had phoned me later that night. I told him that I didn't want to see him today. He was angry but said okay. He knew that I need some space. That something was bothering me and I wasn't myself. I had said to often that I am fine.
I always thought that Mulder would end up with the X-Files. I believed that I would be the first one to leave but he did instead and because of me.
I had found his letter when I came in this morning but I haven't been brave enough to open it yet. I am afraid to find out what I have done wrong.
I was wearing blue jeans, a green v-neck pullover, and the scarf. The scarf was wonderful. He had never bought me anything until now. I always knew that he was a gentleman. I also realized that he was not himself yesterday.
An inner voice told me that I should phone him, talk to him, to find out what exactly was the matter.
I dialed his number but all I got was a "This number is no longer in service" message. Another small piece of my heart broke.
'Okay Dana, I said to myself, open this letter and see what is says.'
Slowly I let my fingers glide under the flap of the envelope. On the front side was just "To Special Agent Dana K. Scully M.D." in Mulder's handwriting. It hurt that the address was so formal and impersonal.
I opened it, nearly cutting my finger but at this point I didn't care. I pulled out a single sheet of paper. Type written! 'Shit'
The letter was addressed to " Dana K. Scully M.D., " 'Why do you do things like this to me, Mulder. You are my best friend and now you leave me without telling me face to face why. Oh shit Mulder, you mean so much to me and now you are gone and I still don't know why.
I finally started to read it.
"Dana K. Scully M.D.,
As you read this you will be at your desk. You always wanted a desk and now you have the one, which had been mine for ages. I have decided to leave the X-Files and you. For to long it had been about you. A couple of days ago I realized I wasn't able to stand it anymore. I have to often been hurt by your thoughts, words and actions and I find I can no longer overlook them."
'What have I done to you, Mulder! What have I said? You could have let me know in a different way. Why didn't you just tell me what's going on in your mind? You still haven't told me what caused you to end the most important chapter of your life.'
"I thought that I would never leave the X-Files but they are all yours now. I will always be interested in the paranormal but I will not work with you on them anymore. Too many things happened lately and it wouldn't work any more.
By the time you find this letter A.D. Skinner will have my resignation on his desk. I know that he will be shocked and he will not understand because I did not tell him why I resigned. The reasons should not be important for him, just that I would not be back.
I will not be leaving you a forwarding address or phone number I expect that you'll soon forget me."
'Oh Mulder! I could never forget you! I love you! I would never want to see you in pain.' I could not believe the pain that drove his to write this.
Tears were running down my face as I continued to read.
" You'll soon forget me. You have a new life now and there is no space left for me in it. It's good the way it is now. It makes many things easier. You will be happier and healthier without me and maybe, somewhere in time, your dream to have children will become real."
'What are you talking about Mulder?'
"I will miss the x files but I'm not sure if I will miss you. If the x files are closed I'm sure that you will find something better to work on, maybe teach at Quantico again. A job that will not cause you a lot of pain and scare you to death twice a week.
Stay alive and I wish only the best for you and your new life!
Mulder"
I started to re-read the letter. I couldn't believe it. What was he talking about – a new life? Maybe Skinner will know more about all this shit.
I put the letter back into the envelope and put it in the back pocket of my Levis. I grabbed my keys and my cell from my, his, desk and went to the elevator.
'What could that all be about? What was he referring to?' I've never seen him like he was yesterday at his apartment.
In the elevator I let my fingers rest on the scarf. I imagined that it smelled like him. I would do anything for him to come back.
I can't believe he would leave me alone with his life's work.
I've always thought that I would be the first one who resigned from the X- Files. The work hadn't always been mine as it had been his. It was sometimes really strange and beyond my understanding. Many things had happened during the last years and he was always there, always given me a shoulder to cry on. Even when my health deteriorated with my bout with cancer, or when I found Emily, Seldom had I given him the chance to hold me. Until a couple of weeks ago on New Years Eve we had kissed. It was just a lip-to-lip brush, not a real kiss – unfortunately. My hand rested above my heart, the fingers in the fabric of the scarf. I went into Skinner's the waiting room. Sarah was sitting at her desk reading the new Cosmopolitan.
"Hello Sarah, is Skinner in?"
"Sorry Scully, He's not here but he should be back in about 10 minutes."
"Thanks. I'll wait."
I sat down in a chair near Sarah. She starred at me playing with the new pale pink fabric.
"Can I ask you a question Scully?" . I was so preoccupied just thinking about being alone now, without Mulder that I had not noticed that she had gotten up and was now sitting next to me. My heart was breaking and tears were forming behind my eyes.
I nodded in response.
"Well I noticed this new scarf you are wearing. How should I say it?"
"Just say it Sarah."
"Well, yesterday Mulder came up here to have a chat with Skinner but Skinner had been busy. We had a short talk and agreed to go for coffee later."
I nodded, wanting to hear more.
"Well … I read the letter he handed Skinner today and I was shocked. It's completely different from what we'd discussed yesterday."
"Which was … ?"
"Mulder met Jared and me at the new Starbucks. Well he was real sad and obviously not himself. That's why I asked him if he wanted to meet for coffee so that we could talk, He really looked like he needed someone to talk to. Well … there he told me what was on his mind."
"And?"
"He resigned because of you."
"That's the only thing he told me yesterday. I still don't know what I did to make him leave."
"What happened yesterday Dana?"
" I was waiting for him at his apartment when he came home. I arrived about an hour before him. We needed to talk. Well I needed something to do while I waited so I cleaned up the mess in the living room. He was angry when he came in and began shouting at me without telling me what he was so mad about,"
She nodded. "Dana, I know this is none of my business but I always thought that Mulder was an incredibly good looking guy. If I wasn't married … well … okay … I just wanted to tell you that he resigned because you seemed to have left him and started a new life."
"He had told me the same thing, Sarah but I don't know what he means with these words – a new life."
I was crying now like a child.
"Calm down Dana. I know that this is hard for you, but he has just resigned from the FBI".
I shook my head.
"Not only his job. He has also moved out of his apartment.
"It's the truth Sarah. He told me that he's leaving forever because of me. I don't know what he means by that. And the only thing he told me is in this letter I found today on the desk in his office."
I handed her the letter and she read it. From her look I could tell she didn't believe the words he had typed.
"He loves you Dana – that's the reason why he resigned. He couldn't stand you dating another man, having …"
"Dana!" She said harshly. "I only have to say one three letter word: MAX."
Holy shit! How could he know about Max? Max – a chapter of it's own. Max had been a long time lover of mine when I was younger. My first man. He had decided to leave me, like Mulder did today, about 11 years ago for a big- boobs bimbo named Sharon. Sharon was a bitch if anybody had ever asked me. Max had been my first big love. I needed a long time to go over him. The first time I really felt like a woman is when I signed onto the X-Files. But now everything was over.
Max came back into my life just recently, He was still a good looking guy, quite intelligent and hard working. We had met by accident and gone out to dinner, a couple of days ago. One thing led to another and we would up in bed together, for old time sake. But I knew that I would never be able to give him a full committed relationship like he wanted.
"But how did he find out
"From what he told me yesterday He had called you and it had been Max who had answered your phone."
"That had been Mulder? Shit!" I remembered the call. By the time Max had handed me the phone who ever it had been had hung up. I did not know until now that it had been Mulder on the line. I never thought that Mulder could be jealous. Not my Mulder. My?
"Yes it was him and he was really destroyed after it. It made him cry, Scully. This is the first time I've seen him cry since you nearly died of cancer.
She was right. Mulder was a strong man. He never cried. Not Mulder.
"What should I do Sarah?"
"What do you want to do now? You have a boyfriend and that's the reason why he left."
"Max is not my boyfriend! He is just casual dalliance. We had been a couple ages ago, and he wants me back. I can't give Max what he wants but we decided we could still have sex …"
"But that's the same Dana."
"No it's not. I never loved Max."
Her eyes grew wider open. "How am I supposed to understand this?"
"I love Mulder. I have for ages now. But you know … I am the Ice Queen … I … was …" I began to cry bitter tears. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me like the friend I needed . "I could never allow myself to let him near enough, never allowed him to touch me. I didn't have the strength…"
"You love him. Why didn't you tell him this yesterday?"
"I couldn't. There was no time and I was afraid that he wouldn't return my love. It's complicated. A long time ago I fell in love with Max yet he left me without a backward glance. It nearly killed me. I am afraid to be hurt again like Max did ages ago. Now Mulder left me just like Max did."
"But Max came back."
"Mulder won't."
She nodded in agreement.
"You have to find him Dana. Make sure he knows how you feel."
"But how can I find him?"
"I don't know Dana. I don't know."
I saw Skinner coming into the room. I whipped away the tears and Sarah and I stood up.
"Could I have a word with you Sir?"
"I wanted to come down to speak with you. What the holy hell happened
"Not out here." Sarah said as she opened the door to his inner office.
Once we were both seated I proceeded to tell him the whole story. He was surprised and shocked at the story I told. . He also told me I needed to find Mulder. I hadn't told him that I loved him and until I did there would never be peace for either of us.
In addition my own ego told me that I had to find Fox, tie him to the bed and fuck the brains out of him – that's how angry I was.
Everybody always thought that I am such a small and conservative woman, but they only wanted to see that side of me – not the dominant one who loved hard sex and multiple orgasms. Nobody ever asked me.
Mulder loved to invade my private space, and I was stupid to let him feel that this was wrong. Now he's gone and will never know much I loved to be near him.
I left Skinner's office and headed toward the elevator. Where should I start to look for him? There are so many places and I don't know him as well as I should."
"Dana …" I heard a voice behind me. I turned around. It was Sarah.
"I am not sure if it will help you Dana but I remember that he had once told me about one of his dreams – ages ago but maybe it will help you."
"Tell me!"
"He said that if he ever had the time he would want to go back to Oxford. He hadn't been there for ages. But on the other hand he mentioned that he had something to work out in Grand Rapids."
"Grand Rapids?" I looked at her. "What does he have to do in that little shit town? I told him more than once that I really hate it there."
"Maybe that's it, I don't know Dana. I thought it might help you."
"Yeah thanks. By the way Sarah," I let the elevator go without me and asked her a silly question that had been on my mind.
"You said that you had coffee with him. When he came back he gave me this scarf. Do you know something about this?"
She grinned at me, conspiratorially but then nodded.
"Well I am not sure if I should tell you about it
"Just spill it Sarah." I said angrily.
"Well, Dana, he knows about your class reunion in Grand Rapids and this scarf was to remind you of your youth. I think, it's just my opinion, but I think that he wanted you to ask him to go with you – pretend to be your boyfriend. He just wanted to make you a gift. Don't ask me now why he changed his mind. I don't know."
"How did he find out about it?"
"The invitation you left on your desk, he said".
"Oh yes." I couldn't believe it. Mulder would pretend to be 'my' man. He would have done this for me and I was dating Max. Max was such a selfish ass but to be honest, damn good in bed.
" Dana, you are mature enough to see the love behind this gift, aren't you? You should leave right now and go find him. And when you do tell him you need him, love him and want him back."
The elevator was back on my floor. I got in and turned around to face Sarah.
"Thanks lot Sarah. I am not sure what I would have done without you"
******
Scully's Apartment
Next morning 7.30am
My cell phone was ringing. Would it be Mulder to tell me that his decision had been wrong? I had a sleepless night. I was worried I wouldn't be able to find him. That I had lost him forever. I picked up.
"Scully" I said nervously.
"Hello darling."
"Max?" I asked, not hundred percent sure.
"Who else would I be?"
I didn't answer his question.
"Well Dana Honey I just wanted to let you know that I will be at your place in about 20 minutes to have breakfast with you."
"Forget it Max."
"Hey what happened to you?" He said with a hard voice.
"It's none of your business anymore."
"Stop that bullshit Dana. I …"
"Just forget it Max. Just leave me like you did last time."
"I thought we were done with this topic."
"Maybe you are but I'm not. I will never forget the pain you caused Me."
"Dana you know …"
"Shut up and let me live my own life on my own terms."
"You are what people say about you – a glacier ."
"No I am not Max, you should know that. But because of you and what we've done I lost my best friend, the man I loved most in my life."
"What shall … ?"
"No say nothing. Just don't come over here and don't call me again. It's over Okay!?"
He said nothing. The line went dead.
It had been easy to end this relationship or call it an affair. I wanted Mulder and nothing more. I wanted to feel him next to me and I wanted to know that he's okay.
*****
Grand Rapids – Country Side Hotel
Saturday 10 am
"I booked a room." I told the man at the registration desk of the hotel.
"Your name Madam?"
"Scully, Doctor Dana K. Scully." I said.
"I see." He looked into the computer. Then turned around and went into a room in back of the desk and came back with a package.
"Room 207 – second floor on the very left hand side. Your view is up the meadow." He said. "And this was left for you by a man a couple of days ago."
I looked at him stunned "Tall man, dark short hair, big nose, and incredible eyes?" I asked him shyly.
He nodded and gave me the keys.
"Your luggage will be delivered to your room shortly, Ms. Scully."
"Thank You." I said and went upstairs to my room the package in one hand and the key in the other. I was very curious to find out what was wrapped up in this very pretty flowered paper. It smelled like spring flowers.
Oh Mulder why didn't you just wait for me? I want you back. I need you. It would have been a real present if you would have given it to me yourself.
I heard a knock on my door. My suitcases were here. I thanked the bellboy, gave him a 5 Dollar tip and let him go. I wanted to be alone.
I sat down on the bed, the gift next to me. Slowly I let my fingers glide over the paper, softly. It was not very big, only the size of a normal sheet of paper but pretty heavy.
I laid back, the unopened box on my belly, my head against the pillows.
'Oh Mulder … You've caused me such pain. I want to know where you are. I need to find you. We have to talk. Not like we always do, I mean a true heart-to-heart talk.' I said loud to myself.
My index finger slid under the paper and slowly unwrapped the box.. Inside the paper was a light blue box. I told myself to be strong. Anything could be in this box and anyone could have left it for me. It didn't have to be Mulder; it could also have been an old friend wanting to surprise me, my mother, heck even Krycek.
Slowly my fingers opened the box and my brain went blank for a minute. I looked into the box afraid of what it could be. But it was … I couldn't believe my eyes.
There was a journal with the Rafael Angels on it, a photo of Mulder and me from a mask ball, signed with "Mr. and Mrs. Spooky", one of my old tee shirts I had in my emergency/ overnight bag at Mulder's and a videotape.
I took all those things out of the box. Under all them was a sheet of paper.
" Dana Scully," He had left the 'K' and the 'M.D.' off this time, I noticed.
" Dana Scully,
I knew that you would go to your class reunion. I wanted to go with you, to learn something about your past. To get to know you a bit better. Times have changed.
I don't need these things anymore.
Find your own way!
Fox Mulder"
My eyes shut my eyes against the pain. I began to cry and the ink on the sheet of paper started to run. Why does this man do things like this to me. Why can't he just call me or wait for me to tell me what he thinks – face to face.
Times have changed, sure, but I didn't want them to change. I want him back – him and his big nose, those wonderful eyes and his incredibly suckable lip.
I let the paper fall to the floor. A couple of minutes later, when I headed to the bathroom, I saw that there was an email address on the back of the paper:
" Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com "
I had my laptop in the car so I went down to get it and on the way back asked the man at the desk if there is an internet connection in my room.
No problem. I had enough time left before going down to the class reunion dinner to check my mail.
I took a hot shower, washed my hair and went out to write the email. Many things were going through my head. What should I tell him?
He had made me an account a couple of years ago also with "Spooky" in it and I thought about using that one.
From: Madame_spooky@yahoo.com
To: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
DD: n/c
Mulder,
Why did you give me back this tee shirt? I wanted this to be yours forever, you know. It's the one I was wearing when I was released from the hospital after my first abduction.
I haven't watched the video yet, but what message do you want me to get from all of this?
I miss you Mulder and I need to talk to you, face by face. It's not like you thought, nothing is like you thought. You misunderstood something very badly.
Please answer me quickly,
Dana
******
Grand Rapid High school
Saturday 8pm
I was wearing a new outfit by Donna Karen. It consisted of a dark green skirt and a jacket that complemented my hair color.
I wasn't in the mood for small talk. Not even with one of my best friend – Jenny. Jenny was a lawyer now . I think she told me her whole life story during a 2 hour-long monologue. She didn't ask me one question No one really seemed to be interested in me or my life, so I decided to leave early. I moved toward the door when I noticed Mulder standing in the left hand corner, wearing a tux. Incredible and breathless where the only two things which came into my mind. He looked like a Greek god.
I headed towards him, my jacket in the one hand. I had left my gun in the room, with my FBI ID. I wanted to talk to him. But he started to leave when he saw me heading toward him. I was familiar with this building and knew that the way he was headed would lead him to the sport yard. What would he want there?
"Mulder! Stop!" I shouted. I wanted him to stop, just hug him and tell him that there was nothing that would come between us.
He didn't stop, instead he walked faster. I was wearing, as usual, my high heels. Running was possible but should I? I should. I started to run and nearly crashed into a bush.
When I had my breath back I looked around and he was no longer in sight. I started to panic.
Within a couple of minutes I was back in my room, angry and tired. I couldn't cry and let everything out because I was so angry.
Call Mum, came to my mind and it was a good idea. She was always a good listener. But this time? I couldn't phone her. I couldn't phone anybody.
Check your email Dana, a little voice was telling me.
From: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
To: Madame_Spooky@yahoo.com
DD: Re: n/c
Dana Scully,
The video carries no message you should get; it's just something I don't need anymore. You were looking good in the new outfit but unfortunately you made a wrong step – like always.
I think that I really didn't misunderstand anything. I am old enough to know what's true and what's not. Don't try to change my opinion, it's senseless. I am stronger than you are. Get the message?
Mulder
Shit what was he dealing with now? Was he on drugs, drunk or something like that? I put the tape into the VCR and pushed the play button.
It seemed to be one of those videos that weren't his. It was about a little red haired woman giving a good-looking man a blowjob, a really hard one. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A porno with red heads? He had watched such movies? Red haired woman? Mulder?
From: Madame_Spooky@yahoo.com
To: Mr.Spooky@hotmail.com
DD: I need you
Mulder,
I need you! I want you to come back. Please Mulder tell me what made you that upset. Why you decided to leave me forever? Tell me what I've done wrong.
Love, Dana
Now I was crying and everything came out. The movie had given me the missing tension. I was lying on my belly, my arms under me, slowly getting into a fetal position, crying like a baby.
He was torturing me and I am sure that it wasn't fair. He had never given me a hint that he would be interested in me. I always thought that I wasn't his type – small breasts, tiny body and red hair. All the women he was staring at had big boobs, were as tall as he was and had blond or dark brown hair. They were all perfect. But me? I was a tiny little woman.
End Part 2