Love Defined

Carlisle and Esme were waiting on the porch for us when we arrived. Their hugs were both warm and welcoming, even with the chill of Carlisle's granite skin. I had missed the coldness.

I noticed how Carlisle tensed when Jacob got out of the Volvo. In a flash, Jasper was outside also, his stance intimidating. I grinned, inordinately pleased to see him. I admired the strength he'd demonstrated by staying a vampire despite the pleadings and pressure I was sure he'd received from the others.

How could they have not considered all the downsides to being human before taking that leap? How could Emmett look at this human Edward and still make the decision to go down the same path? Emmett loves being a vampire! Why would he give that up? The witch must have bewitched them into believing it was a good idea! Why was Jasper the only one to see that the benefits of being a vampire far outweigh the negatives, and the cons of being human far outweigh the pros? I wondered. Thank God he's still able to protect us all. I had a fleeting flashback of him ripping off James's head and hoped he'd be able to take out Victoria just as easily.

Jasper shot me a brief look of surprised confusion at feeling all the positive emotions I directed his way, but that millisecond was all he spared before concentrating his dark eyes on the shifter who was his mortal enemy. Jacob shuddered and let loose a slight growl, stepping protectively in front of Alice.

"Oh, don't be silly! Jazzy won't hurt me!" Alice trilled, putting a calming hand on Jacob's back.

Jasper's eyes widened, and he straightened, crossing his arms over his chest and nodding resignedly.

"Your mating bond broke when she became human, didn't it?" I whispered curiously.

He looked at me in awe, before nodding ever so slightly. "I felt it start to fray the moment her transformation began, and it was barely a thread by the time we got here. It didn't snap completely though until just now, when she fully accepted the bond she has with him. It made me wonder about you and Edward though and whether or not your bond would survive his transformation. Your half of the bond was always so much stronger than his. Your love was deeper, because you accepted the mating bond, while he fought against it."

"What? That's not possible! She was a human, and I was a vampire! My feelings were stronger than hers!" Edward insisted, having moved close enough to overhear the last portion of Jasper's explanation.

So he acknowledges love bonds are stronger between vampires, but he set his sights on human love instead? That doesn't make sense, I mentally sighed.

Jasper raised an eyebrow. "You dare doubt the empath? Her love for you was much stronger than yours for her. Her pain once you left would have been much deeper than yours too."

Edward scoffed. "I don't believe you. You're just trying to make me feel bad."

Jasper suffused the entire area with overwhelming love, devotion, hope, and adoration that welled up inside of me, bringing tears to my eyes. I remembered it well. "That's the love Bella used to feel every time she came to the house," he announced. Everyone stared at me in awe. I hung my head, blushing heavily. I was so naive!

"That's as strong as what the wolves feel when they imprint!" Jacob declared. He winced. "I'm sorry, I never understood how strong your bond was, Bella. No wonder I didn't stand a chance."

The feelings were replaced with a conditional, judgmental, possessive kind of love. It was definitely more than infatuation, but held strong elements of obsession, jealousy, curiosity and fascination. It was also colored by worry, concern, fear, and regret. Underlying it all was a dark desire, the thirst for blood, death, and destruction.

"That's what you felt, Edward," Jasper explained. "Not the same thing, is it?"

Man, I wish I'd had Jasper show me that last summer. Based on his feelings, I'm not at all surprised he left. There wasn't anything I could've done to make him stay. Him running away was inevitable, I realized.

Edward flinched and shook his head morosely. "You see why I had to leave. Why I had to become human. I couldn't love her the way she needed while my inner beast tormented me, begging for her precious blood. I was a monster, not the man she deserved."

You're still not the man I deserve, I thought bitterly.

"You got that right," Jacob muttered in disgust. "Her love was pure, but yours was tainted. You did the right thing in leaving. You filthy leeches don't know the meaning of love."

No, my love hadn't been pure. Now that I thought about it, I realized there had been underlying tastes of clinginess and unworthiness. I had worshipped Edward and his family before, placing them up on pedestals they didn't want or deserve. I thought they were perfect. I was blind to all the issues hidden below the surface, seeing only what they allowed me to see. I never would've guessed they'd willingly become human again. That just blows my mind.

Jasper scowled. "You're wrong, mutt. That was just Edward. Don't tar the rest of us with the same brush. This is Carlisle's love for Esme, even now while she's human and he isn't."

I was suddenly filled with so much love, devotion, and adoration I was fit to burst at the seams. It was ten times, no, a hundred times more powerful than what I'd felt for Edward.

"Oh, Carlisle!" Esme breathed, looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears of joy. "You really love me that much? I love you too!"

I heard Jasper breathe a sigh of relief and saw he was looking at Esme. I bet knowing the true depth of his feelings for her erased any doubts and insecurities she's been feeling. It would've strengthened their bond as well, freeing her up to reciprocate wholeheartedly, not feeling the need to hold back part of herself for fear of getting hurt. It's natural for humans to feel unworthy in the presence of vampire beauty and perceived perfection. I know I did.

"Damn, okay, I take it back," Jacob agreed. "I had no idea lee- uh, vampires could love like that." He looked at Carlisle with amazement and a kernel of respect.

Jasper turned and quietly addressed me, "Bella, do you remember the pain you felt when Edward left?"

I sighed and thought about the hole that had eaten away at my innards for the past months, rendering me nothing more than a shell of my former self.

Jasper flinched, then sent that pain into everyone else. They all dropped to their knees, wrapping their arms desperately around themselves, trying to hold themselves together while feeling like someone had torn their chests open and removed their hearts and lungs. It only lasted a few seconds, but left Carlisle and Esme, as well as Jacob and Alice, clinging desperately to each other.

"Good God! What was that?" Edward demanded shakily, glaring at Jasper.

"That was the pain you left me with, Edward. I felt that every single moment of every day from the second you disappeared until I saw you in my living room this evening," I informed him.

His jaw dropped as he stared at me in horror. Jacob now looked at me with understanding.

"I'm sorry, I never realized just how much you were hurting, Bells," Jacob admitted. "I saw the way you always tried to hold yourself together, and now I know why. Vampire mating really is just as strong as imprinting."

Jasper nodded. "The supernatural bonds are very similar, yes."

"How could you live with that much pain for so long, Bella?" Edward wondered, still trembling on his knees.

"What choice did I have?" I bitterly retorted.

He grimaced, admitting. "I would've gone insane."

"I did," I muttered under my breath, defensively crossing my arms over my chest. Jasper and Carlisle looked at me with alarm.

Jacob winced and spoke loud enough for the humans to hear. "Well, she kinda did, to be honest. I don't think she really wanted to live anymore, considering how she kept crashing her motorcycle and how she jumped off a cliff earlier today. She would've drowned if I hadn't performed CPR. Now I've had a small taste of how she's been feeling, I can't really blame her though. I'd have done anything to escape that pain too."

"You jumped off a cliff too?" Esme whimpered, tears streaking down her cheeks. "Just like I did. Oh, Edward, how could you do that to her?!"

I blushed under the scrutiny Carlisle and Jasper were now giving me, ignoring Edward's guilty, horrified face. I began looking around, wanting to take the focus off of me, and realized two people were missing. "Where's Emmett and Rosalie?"

Jasper and Carlisle grinned, while Esme chuckled. "They're enjoying a human honeymoon for the first time. Rose wanted to get a jump start on trying to have a baby now that it's possible," Alice shared.

"Rose wants to have a baby?" I asked in disbelief. Wow, she never struck me as the maternal type. Most ice bitches don't make good moms. I could buy that reasoning for Esme though. Maybe that's why she agreed to go through the witch's curse. She thought she could have a baby of her own that way. But what is Alice's excuse?

"Yes, it's all she's ever wanted," Edward replied, looking at me with confusion.

Really? I thought. Huh. Who'd have guessed?

"Why do you find that so hard to believe?" Jasper wondered.

"Babies are loud and messy," I replied easily, shaking my head. "I can't imagine Rose being happy with a baby spitting up on her or getting food in her hair. Has she thought about changing dirty diapers and listening to hours of whining, fussing, and crying? Has she realized how much a child will cut into her social life and her private time with Emmett? Not to mention the types of cars she likes to drive. They're going to have to give up the jeep and the convertible for something safe and practical, like Edward's Volvo. She might as well forget fancy clothes and jewelry too."

The Cullens all stared at me for a few minutes without saying anything. Seeing their faces, Jacob laughed. "Yeah, Bella doesn't like kids," he informed them.

I scoffed and agreed. "Hate the little buggers. I don't plan on ever having any myself."

"What? You can't mean that!" Edward wailed, crestfallen.

I shook my head. "I can't believe you didn't already know that, Edward. I'm pretty sure I told you more than once, but you obviously blew me off, thinking I didn't know my own mind. Or maybe it's one of the things you forgot in the transformation. I had to raise my mother, doing her job taking care of the household and the bills ever since I could add and subtract. I did all the cooking and cleaning, making sure she was up and off to work on time. Plus, I often babysat neighborhood kids in Phoenix to earn the money to buy groceries, since Renee didn't have a lick of sense. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. I used up all my maternal instincts years ago. I don't want children, Edward. Ever."

I could almost see his foolish little daydreams of our future going up in smoke.

xxxxxxx

AN: I was amazed and inspired by the positive response I received. Like most, if not all, fanfiction writers reviews feed the muse, so you keep them coming and I will too. Deal? Thanks!