A/N.: Hi! I'm so happy about the reviews and favorites and follows! Thank you so much, guys! Sometimes I stop and think "I wrote something and people read it and some of them liked it and others liked it enough to tell me that they liked it, how cool is that?". Sorry, I'm just so excited! I'm excited like I know what I'm doing, which I don't, lol.
Anyway, this chapter was supposed to have Olicity feels, but it doesn't, though Felicity is in it (YES!). It has Sara feels, 'cause Sara Lance is amazing (don't argue with me, son!). Btw, I'd started writing this before last night's episode, so I totally called the whole apology scene, lol, though not the I had I crush on you first part, I didn't call that at all.
So, I'm trying to follow the second season timeline a little, though not every episode will be featured. This takes place between episodes 4 and 5 of the second season, which means it's before she told them about the League of Assassins and told her dad she was alive.
Oh, keep in mind that when I say that Oliver and Sara "smiled", it's not the cherise cat smile, okay? It's the Oliver and Sara trademark smile. You guys watch the show, so you know what I mean, right? I just didn't want to write "he/she curved his/her lips upward a little tiny bit in an almost smile" over and over again, lol.
Sorry again for any mistakes and I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and it makes me sad.
Guilt: a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.
Sara was alive. Oliver could hardly believe it, but it was true. When he saw her again, it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, one of the many he had to carry. The guilt he carried because of her death, or of what he thought had been her death, also left him and it happened so unexpectedly that, for a moment, he felt breathless with relief.
It was a good feeling, until he looked her in the eyes closely. He knew what hid behind them; he saw it reflected back to him whenever he looked in the mirror. Then, the guilt came back to hit him like a freight train. She was like him now, a twisted image of the person she had once been. Oliver was deeply ashamed to admit to himself that he thought, even if only for a fleeting second, that death would've been a kinder ending; to both of them.
They were at the foundry now, training together in the matted floor. Felicity was sitting in her chair, doing some system analysis that Oliver couldn't even begin to understand, but he could see that she glanced in their direction once in a while. Diggle was also nearby, doing inventory of their supplies and, sometimes, pausing long enough to tell him and Sara which moves they were doing wrong.
Sara had suggested that they trained together, inspired by some joke Felicity had made earlier about who would win in a superhero fight between The Black Canary and The Arrow. In reality, Oliver noticed that Sara wanted to avoid the hard questions for now. He knew from personal experience how that felt like; he was letting it slide. So, they trained.
She was astonishing with her staff; the weapon suited her. Being quick and lithe, but also surprisingly strong, Sara wielded the staff with extraordinary ease. Oliver was loath to admit that it was taking a lot of concentration on his part to fight her; one wrong move and he'd find himself on the ground every time. She was also incredible with a bow, but not better than him. He'd never say it out loud, but he knew he had better accuracy than her with a bow and arrow.
They had been going at it for almost three hours when she decided to stop.
"Okay, I'll give you a break now, Ollie." Sara said while she walked to Felicity's desk, where they had left a couple of water bottles.
"Come on, you're just doing that because I'm starting to win." he said, catching the bottle she threw and taking big gulps from it.
"No, I'm doing it to spare your fragile male ego. You've been through a lot, Ollie, not sure you could handle being squashed like a bug by someone half your weight." she said with a small smile.
From the corner of his eye, he could see Felicity mouthing 'ouch' to Diggle, who turned his back to them in an attempt to hide his smile; but Oliver decided to ignore it.
"You know, back in the day, you used to inflate my ego, not deflate it. That girl was lot nicer" he tried to joke, but quickly realized his mistake when her smile vanished and her shoulders slumped. "Sara, I didn't-"
"I know you didn't, Ollie." she said, staring at her water bottle.
Oliver was going to apologize when Diggle approached them.
"You can't really tell, but that was Oliver trying to make a joke." Diggle said in and amused tone to Sara, who looked up, the corners of her mouth quirking up.
"That's right." Felicity quipped in "The first time he tried it was the weirdest thing, I mean, we were so shocked that we didn't even laugh." She glanced quickly at Oliver and, seeing his raised eyebrows, rambled on "Not that it wasn't funny, it was funny. Well, not that funny, but funny in a way that you wouldn't expect from Oliver, because he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor and…" Felicity trailed off and took a deep breath, blushing hard at the other's amused expressions "I'll just… stop talking." she finished and turned her attention back to the computer screens.
Diggle turned to Sara. "You'll get used to it if you stick around."
Oliver wasn't sure if the man was talking about his lack of sense of humor or Felicity's cute rambles.
"Do you plan to?" Dig asked curiously.
And there it is. Oliver thought. He knew Dig wanted him to talk to Sara, he thought that she needed it and that it would be good for her. Oliver also wanted to know the answer to that question, but he didn't want to make Sara feel backed into a corner, so he had been waiting for her to share her plans when she felt ready.
He glared at Diggle, silently telling him to back off and was answered with a you-know-I'm-right kind of stare from the man. Dig was never one to beat around the bush.
"That is yet to be determined." Sara answered curtly, putting an end to the men's silent conversation.
"Well, we must feed you while you're still here, so I'll go get some food for us. How does everyone feel about Italian?" Dig asked, effectively breaking the ice, and was answered with nods and mumbles of approval. "All right. Then, let's go, Felicity."
"Oh, no, you go ahead. I have to keep an eye on this, if there are any bugs in my system, I wanna be ready to crush those little bast-" She stopped abruptly when she noticed Diggle staring at her. He threw a quick glance at Oliver and Sara, who were still carrying on a conversation, then looked back at Felicity and indicated the door with a small shake of his head. She caught on his meaning and spoke louder while she gathered her purse and tablet. "On second thought, my hunger is bigger than my vengeful feelings towards bugs right now. So, yes, let's go."
Oliver watched as Felicity and Diggle left, not missing the look Dig gave him that clearly said talk to her. Meanwhile, Sara had walked towards a wall and sat down on the floor, pulling her knees up and pressing her back against the harsh concrete.
"Okay, let's get this over with." Sara said, sighing heavily.
Oliver followed her and took a seat beside her, pulling one knee up and resting his arm on it. He didn't have to ask what she was talking about: she was ready for the hard questions now. Faced with the opportunity, Oliver didn't know what to ask. He decided to begin with the first question the one Diggle wanted to know. "Are you staying? Are you planning to tell your family that you're alive?"
"I can't stay, Ollie. My family can't know I'm alive, I've told you that. It's too dangerous." She said patiently, Oliver waited in silence for her to continue "You know, I didn't plan to stay this long. I was just supposed to make sure they were safe after the earthquake, but… Seeing my family… my dad, Laurel… It was like a drug, I kept coming back for more. Part of me hoped they would just see me or…" she shook her head "I don't know what I expected, I just couldn't stay away." she cleared her throat "So, to answer your question, no. I'm not planning on staying."
"Why is it so dangerous for them? Where have you been all this time, Sara? And don't say 'everywhere'" Oliver pressed.
"I've been busy. I had a debt to pay and I've just finished paying it." she answered intensely.
"What kind of debt?" He asked worriedly.
"One that had to be paid in blood." She said lowly, staring at her hands "I can't tell you everything right now, Ollie, I'm not… Just, not right now, okay?"
Oliver covered her hands with his, making her finally look at him.
"Whatever it is, Sara, you can tell me. You know I wouldn't judge you, I couldn't." he assured her, squeezing her hands.
"Oh, but you would. I've done things that are far worse than you've ever dreamed." She said, getting up and turning her back to him. Oliver could hear in her voice how close to tears she was. He got up and stood behind her, not sure if he should try to comfort her.
"You're afraid to become a murderer, Ollie… Me? I'm already there. I'm way past that. And the consequences of what I've done can catch up to me at any moment." Sara turned to look at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears, but her voice was firm "When that happens, I can't let my family be caught in the cross-fire. I'll never let that happen. And don't say you can help me, Ollie, because you really can't."
They were both silent for a few moments, and Sara turned her back to him again. Oliver couldn't begin to imagine what she'd been through; he just knew she carried a lot of guilt. More guilt than any human being should have to carry alone. That thought only made his own guilt flare up, because, in the end, the fault was his entirely. If he hadn't been so stupid, if he hadn't brought her to the Queen's Gambit, none of the horrible things that happened to her would've happened.
"I'm sorry, Sara. I'm so sorry." He said sincerely. "It's all my-"
"Don't you dare, Oliver Queen. Don't you dare say that it's all your fault." She said fiercely, turning to face him again "I went into that trip with you willingly. I was more than willing, you and I both know that. I made that choice; I've told you that before." she reminded him "And what happened after I left the island, what I became… it was my choice too. I could've chosen death; I should have."
Sara laughed bitterly, her tears finally running free, her face hardening as she wiped them angrily "But I didn't… and now this is who I am. Most of the times, it makes me sick, but it also made me stronger. And I can't escape it, I can't run away from what I've done, but I'm not gonna let you take this burden from me either. You have enough of your own grief without taking up mine. It's my burden, it's my guilt."
Sara wiped her tears harshly, falling silent. Oliver was at a loss for words, his throat closing and his eyes stinging. He felt so much guilt that it was like the feeling had imbibed itself in his skin. He didn't know what to do when one of the people who should blame him the most told him so blatantly that her suffering was not his fault. He swallowed hard once, twice and cleared his throat before he finally managed to talk.
"I didn't mean to… I'm…" he sighed, not knowing what to say and not wanting to apologize again; he knew she wouldn't accept it. "I tend to get caught up in my own suffering a lot." He said by way of apology.
"It's okay, Ollie. We all have that tendency, it's in the human DNA." she said lowly. "But you have to know that you're not responsible for everything bad that's ever happened since the shipwreck. I know you can't help but feel that way, I've been there… but you have to let it go eventually." Sara said softly. "You have to let a little bit of it go every day and one day… it'll get easier. You'll have to forgive yourself."
"Did you? Did you forgive yourself?" he asked; he could hear the hopeful tone in his voice, but he couldn't hide it. If Sara had done it, so could he.
"I'm trying." she shrugged. "First step: release the guilt that doesn't belong to you."
They sat down on the floor again and stayed in comfortable silence; both lost in their own thoughts. After what seemed like hours, but were only minutes, Oliver spoke:
"Sara, you know that burden? Just because it's yours, doesn't mean you can't share it with me."
She looked at him thoughtfully "Maybe I'll take you up on that someday."
"And I'll be waiting." he assured her.
While that didn't happen, Oliver planned to work on that first step.
A/N.: Reviews? Thoughts? Your kind words make my day! Btw, all the word definitions came/will come from oxforddictionaries' website, so there's that.