Chapter 45: The Lost Chapter of My Immortal

A/N: Alright...here we go. This is me, getting closure with this travesty that's been dubbed "The Worst/Best Fanfiction Ever Written". Keep in mind...if this sounds like I'm just trying to "fix" the story, or make myself a Mary-Sue, then I'm sorry if it comes across that way. I'm writing a parody/spoof, so it's supposed to be stupid.

...

Elphie slammed her hands onto the computer table. "That can't be how it ends!"

Sister looked at her funny. "Chill, Elphie. It's just a stupid story."

"But it can't END that way! It leaves all these loose ends, and it's got terrible grammar, and..."

"Dude..." Sister said. "It's. A. Story. Get over it."

"NO!" Elphie's eyes burned with hatred. "I will NEVER rest until I get my revenge!"

"Girls!" called Dad. "Come take the dog out!"

"Looks like your revenge will have to wait," sniggered Sister.

...

Outside, the moon was half-full. Clouds were floating across the star-lit sky. Elphie and Sister walked down the dark street, their dog trailing behind them.

"There's gotta be something I can do about 'My Immortal'..." Elphie mumbled.

"There's nothing you can do," Sister insisted. "It's on the Internet, and it will stay there until the end of time, most likely. Don't try to mess with nature."

"I can't just stand by while one of the greatest universes ever created is ruined by some stupid troll!" Elphie cried.

Suddenly...the streetlamp on the corner started to glow unusually bright. Elphie shielded her eyes from the warm light.

"What the..."

The light was too strong to see anything. Elphie couldn't open her eyes.

"Sister!"

No answer. Elphie braced herself for whatever came next.

...

When she opened her eyes, Elphie found herself in what looked to be the Great Hall. Only...it was painted black. She could see the black paint flecking off to reveal a layer of pink beneath it. Near the front of the room was a black Mercedes Benz. Up above, Voldemort was flying on a broom, shouting down at a bunch of goffik-looking Harry Potter characters.

"Abra Kedavra!" came a voice from the center of the room. It was a clear voice, with a darkish tone to it and bad grammar mixed in. Elphie knew it could only be one person.

"ENOBY!" she screamed.

The Sue turned her red-blue gaze onto the authoress. She sniffed. "Who are YOU, you fucking Muggle prep?"

"I'm an author," Elphie said. "I came across this story a few months ago, and it has been DRIVING ME CRAZY! I decided to add my own commentary on this thing, and that made me even MORE insane!"

Enoby laughed statistically. "Well, what do you expect? This story always pisses off the prepz and the posrz. Only the real goffs like this story."

"And what qualifies as a real goff, may I ask?"

"Well, for starters, you need really slutty black clothing and an overdrawn description to go with it."

Elphie rolled her eyes. "Yes, because I'd be SO PROUD to look like I'm about to go and sell myself on the street."

Enoby turned up her pale, perfect nose. "At least I'm not wearing my pajamas!"

Elphie glanced down at her pajama pants, her tank top, and her pink hoodie, a little self-conscious.

"And real goffs know all about the cool bands, like MCR, GC, Simple Plan, Marilyn Manson, and that stuff."

"And what about the screamo bands?" Elphie shot back.

Enoby pursed her red lips together. "The what?"

"People in my world who are 'goffik' typically like bands other than GC and Marilyn Manson. In fact, some of the hard-core 'goffs' don't even like those bands."

A collective gasp rang through the Hall. Enoby wasn't going to give up that easily.

"You need to be a vampire, or a Stanist, or bi, or a pentagram of those things." She giggled. "LOL geddit...cuz I'm..."

"...goffik," Elphie said through clenched teeth. "Yeah, yeah. I know. But what about gay guys? You were pretty quick to hate Draco for cheating on you with Vampire. But you think that's hot at the same time. What's up with that?"

"It's none of your business!" Enoby shooted arngrily.

Elphie felt her temper explode inside her. "You know what, you little Mary-Sue?"

"That's not my name!" Enoby said.

"You can't even spell your name consistently!" Elphie pointed out.

"Shjut up, you Muggle bitch!" Enoby shooted.

"That's IT!" Elphie pulled out her frying pan and ran toward the Sue. Enoby couldn't decide whether to use her wand or her gun, and before she could wield either one, the authoress was upon her, smacking her with her kitchen utensil.

The other goffik characters didn't really know what to do. Enoby usually made all their decisions - or, for that matter, Tara did. But since Tara was on "vacation", they couldn't think for themselves, so they just stood there, looking on in awe.

"This is for HALF A YEAR of insanity and stupidity!" Elphie screamed, loving the clang the pan made when it hit Enoby's pale skin. "And this is for raping the characters I've grown up with for the past twelve years! AND THIS is for pissing off all of fanfiction kind!"

When she was finished with her rant, Elphie stepped back, breathing heavily. To her dismay, however, Enoby looked unscathed. The Sue laughed triumelephantly.

"LOL you stupid preppy fuker! You can't do any real damage to me! The only way that will happen is if you manage to reverse all of the nasty things I have...I mean, TARA...has done to the universe!"

Elphie had had a sinking feeling that that was the only way. She turned to the other goffs, the posrz and the prepz.

"Don't you guys realize how terrible this story is?" she asked them. "Have you NOT figured out what a mistake this is? Harry Potter is one of the coolest book series in the world, and to have some random girl just trash it...it's unthinkable!

"Malfoy...you're mean and nasty...but not in this way! You would never like Muggle bands or own a Muggle car or have random sex.

"And Professor McGonagall...don't get me wrong, I love that you're a bad-ass, but you're much better than that! You're a no-nonsense teacher who keeps her anger in check, and you're respected for that!

"And you..." Elphie shyly turned to Neville (she had had a fangirl crush on him for some time), "you're not a goffik vampire who uses guns. You're a sweet, caring, loving, painfully-shy boy who loves plants and becomes really, really, really attractive by the time the movies are over."

She finally turned to Harry, the boy she had first encountered when she was five years old. "And Harry...I've known you since kindergarten. I've spent my childhood following your success, your failures, your battles...you're like a good friend to me."

She turned to the whole crowd gathered. "You all are. And...I hate what this girl...this Mary-Sue...has done to you. Can't you see that this needs to stop? Please...try to remember what you were like before all this. Do it for me. Do it for the people who love you."

For a moment, it seemed like things were turning around. Unfortunately, the rude yawn that followed that heartfelt speech quashed the others' chances of even thinking about what had just happened.

"Are you finished, you donderhed?" asked Enoby. "Because if you are, I have a Bark Lord to defeat."

Elphie sighed when she saw that Malfoy and Harry were still looking like goffs. "Yeah...I'm finished. I...guess I'll try to get home now." She looked back, but there wasn't a single person who moved to stop her.

"Isn't there any one character that you didn't screw up that can help me?" Elphie suddenly cried. "There must be SOMEONE!"

"Actually there is!" came a bubbly voice from the entrance of the Hall.

Everyone - including Voldemort, who was getting bored just floating around on the ceiling - turned to see a girl with white-blond hair, crystal blue eyes, and bare feet. She was holding a wand and had a peculiar smile on her face.

"Luna Lovegood?" Elphie asked, amazed.

Luna nodded. "I'm a bit out of character at the moment, I'm afraid...this story causes even the best of us to become something we're not."

Enoby started to curse. "What the fuking hell? Why didn't I...I mean TARA...think to turn you into a goff?"

Luna ignored the fuming Sue. "Elphie, I admire that you had the guts to tell the fanfiction world what you think of this story. Now you need to put that energy into helping everyone get back to normal!"

"But how do we do that?" Elphie glanced around at the crowd gathered. "They're way too far gone!"

"Not necessarily..." Luna said, a mischievous smile on her face. She pulled something out of her cloak. It was...(unnecessary suspense)...a bottle of Old Fashioned Cream Soda.

"Soda pop?" Elphie's brow furrowed. "And...how is that going to help? No offense, Luna, but that's just a deus ex machina. Tara's used, like, a bajillion of those in this story."

"Stop using words I don't know!" called Enoby. "What is a day-use X Ma-hyena anyway?"

"It's Latin for 'God out of a machine'," Luna explained. "It's a literary term used to describe a person or object in a story that suddenly appears there just to save the characters from the trouble they're in."

"Oh..." Enoby said, pretending like she'd understood.

"And to answer your question..." Luna walked over to goffik Harry. "Harry loves cream soda."

"Since when?"

Luna shrugged. "I don't know, actually. But, hey, do you want to get this bitch back or not?"

Elphie, too stunned to say anything after Luna swore, nodded feebly.

"Okay, then." Luna opened the bottle and gave it to Harry. "Here."

He cocked his head. "What is this? Is it beer?"

Luna nodded. "Sure is. The best beer in town."

"Don't do it, Vrompire!" cried Enoby. "It's a trick!"

No one knew what happened to Harry next. Maybe it was because Elphie's words had finally started to sink in. Maybe it was because he was sick of Enoby...I mean TARA...spelling his name wrong one too many times. Maybe it was because he was really thirsty. Maybe it was all three. Whatever the reason, he turned his stony gaze on the Sue.

"I don't need you telling me what to do!" He tipped the bottle back and down the contents in two seconds.

To everyone's amazement, something began to happen. Harry's goffik look melted away, revealing the regular seventeen-year-old Harry that everyone knew and love. Enoby fumed in the corner as Elhpie rushed up to him and gave him a hug.

"It worked! It worked!"

Luna smiled. "I knew it would."

"Thanks a ton, Luna," Harry - the REAL Harry - said. "I feel much better now."

"This cannot be happening!" cried Enoby. "My powers are draining!"

Elphie picked up the fallen bottle. "For the last time, SHUT UP!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. She hurled the bottle toward Enoby.

The glass shattered with a CLANK! Enoby felt herself rising to the ceiling, where a bored-to-tears Voldemort was still hanging around.

"What the hell?" he asked. "How are thou up here on the ceiling?"

Harry pointed his wand at the two of them. Light burst from the end, and a great shower of sparks rained down on everyone. (Yeah, I know...not the greatest way to end this thing, but screw it, I don't really care.) All the characters who were supposed to be dead by the end of the series vanished, and all the characters who had survived the series were turned back to normal. Filth and Mr. Norris swapped names, Hedwig became a girl owl again, and those whose names had been misspelled countless times were able to remember the proper spelling.

"NOOOOOO!"

Everyone watched as Enoby disintegrated into flames. Everyone knew that she hadn't gone to hell; she had simply been obliterated. She no longer existed.

The Great Hall went up in cheers.

...

Everything was a blur after that. All Elphie could remember were hugging everyone and anyone she possibly could and congratulating them on turning back to their old selves. As these things go, she was able to go around to all the characters she really wanted to talk to and have stimulating conversation with them. She did sneak away - just once - to snag Neville from his quiet contemplation and surprise him by grabbing his collar and kissing him full on the mouth. She then left him blushing to find Luna and Harry.

(Hey...this is my ending, remember? ;) Yeah, yeah, I realize that's totally Mary-Sueish of me to do that, but hey! This is a PARODY. Besides, I've kind of always wanted to do that...)

Flame as you will...it won't happen again. I promise.

"Do you know how I'm going to get home?"

"Don't you want to stay?" Harry asked.

"As much as I'd love to, I think this universe has gotten screwed with enough as it is."

"Very true," said Luna. "Just picture the place you want to be, and when I tap you with my wand, you'll be there."

Elphie nodded. She squeezed her eyes shut and pictured the dark street she lived on. She felt the wand tap her shoulder...

...

"Elphie!"

Elphie jumped. Sister was tapping her on the shoulder and looking at her funny. "Come on. The dog's all done sniffing around. We're going back inside now."

Elphie blinked and looked up at the streetlamp. It was normal, as if nothing had happened.

"What...what just..."

"You've been standing there for the past five minutes, daydreaming again." Sister rolled her eyes. "I had to walk the dog all by myself because YOU wouldn't listen. I've been trying to snap you out of it FOREVER."

Elphie tried to comprehend this. All of that was...a dream?

"Sorry," she finally said.

"You should be," Sister grumbled as she walked back to the house. "I hope that daydream of yours was good enough not to help me walk the dog."

Elphie glanced back up at the streetlamp. "Yeah...it was."

...

The next day, Elphie decided to start updating her other stories on her fanfiction account.

"I thought you were in a writer's block," Mom commented.

"I was..." Elphie smiled to herself. "But I decided to start writing again. I've had a spark of inspiration...

THE END