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Chapter 2-Insert fake laughter here

I groaned and cracked my eyes open. Ow. It even hurt to think. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, and then I remembered I had. This must be how Kitty Num-Nums felt when Carmen ran her over. I slowly sat up, expecting a hospital room or clouds with a golden gate and a neon light sign that said 'Welcome to Heaven. Vacancy. Now with cable and heated pool'.

On second thought, I'd more likely be in hell.

Instead of seeing fiery pits and a midget in red tights poking me with a pointy stick, I was surround by trees and a leaf covered ground. No road, car, or truck to be seen anywhere. Even worse, I was covered in spots of dirt and my hair was filled with twigs and who knows what else in a tangled mess.

I guess I should be crying and thanking the Big Man upstairs that I'm alive. But I was too angry to be happy. "Stupid Carmen! This is all her fault!" I shouted and struggled to get to my feet. I hate to repeat myself, but ow.

At the mention of her name, Carmen woke up. She was just as filthy and less then ten feet away. She sat up and rubbed at her head. "Is this heaven?" she said and looked around. "This can't be heaven. Where's my strawberry daiquiri with the little umbrella in it?" Her eyes widened in shock when she realized I was there too. "Oh crap! Becky's here! I'm in hell!"

I rolled my eyes. One day, they're going to fall out of my head. "We're not dead, idiot," I said drily. But we aren't home either. I wonder...

"How do you know?" she asked with a sneer. I knelt down, grabbed a pinecone, and tossed it at her. I missed by a mile. She snickered and felt around for something to throw at me. She stopped, I think because she realized that might mean messing up her perfectly manicured nails.

She tried getting to her feet, but as she did her left stiletto heel broke off her shoe and she fell back down. I started to giggle my butt off. Oh, how the less than mighty have fallen. She got back on her feet and cradled the broken piece of shoe in her hand. "Pathetic," I muttered under my breath. She must of not heard me because I didn't end up with a rock in the head.

Out of the corner of her eye she spied her expensive handbag (courtesy of Rick). I watched as she limped over and picked it up. The sparkly design was smudged with mud and the neon orange had turned to a brownish color, but overall it was in pretty good shape and by the smile on her face, still had everything in it. Carmen tossed the piece of heel in the bag and slung the bag over her shoulder.

"How did we land in these damn woods?" she mused out loud as she scanned her surroundings. Nothing but trees and dirt. Big whoop. "We better get back home soon," she added with hint of panic. "What's going to happen without me? What about my wedding and all of Rick's money!" I raised an eyebrow that said 'aren't you forgetting something'. "Oh, yeah. Rob, too...I mean, uh, Rick."

I stared around in confusion. There was something oddly familiar about this situation. "Woods..." I said to myself. Could it be...? My confused expression turned excited. It has to be! I jumped to my feet. "Carmen, we're in the woods! THE WOODS!" I shouted and began hopping up and down ecstatically.

Carmen in return looked at me the way my estranged redneck uncle looks at someone who isn't a full-blown Christian with an alcoholic problem, four kids, and a cramped trailer. "Uh, duh?"

"We're not just in any woods, we're in MIRKWOOD! We're in Middle-earth!" I began doing a victory dance and chanting, "I'm gonna marry Legolas! I love Leggy! Leggy, Leggy, Leggy! Go me, go me! It's my birthday, shake my booty now!" And thus the booty was shaken.

"You mean the goblin boy on your shirt?"

I froze in mid-shake and glared at Carmen. "He's is NOT a goblin boy. He is an Elf and the hottest creature ever," I growled.

Carmen smirked. "Goblin boy, goblin boy," she said in a sing-song voice and making weird faces. "Leg-less is a goblin boy, goblin boy!"

"Carmen, I swear if you don't stop-"

"Look at me, I'm Leg-less," she said in a mocking voice. "I'm so pretty and girly! I've got stupid pointy ears and a big crush on a guy because I'm GAY!"

I clenched my fists so hard my knuckles turned white. I was about to tackle Carmen to the ground when, out of nowhere, an arrow soared through the air and hit a tree beside her. It missed her by an inch or less. We both turned around and I audibly gulped. There, standing less than five feet from us, were several highly pissed off looking Elves.

With arrows. Really lethal arrows that could turn me into a fangirl kabob.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a scream, "RUN!" And we ran. Ran like...uh, something that runs a lot. Okay, outrunning a handful of Elves isn't that smart, right? Well, it was either that or get skewered. I'd rather take my chances.

We didn't stop for a couple minutes. I could hear Carmen shouting out curses about sore feet and I glanced over my shoulder. Nothing. I mean, there was trees and nature-y stuff but you get my point. "Stop, Carmen! Stop!" I shouted to her and we both halted and turned around.

"They're gone!" Carmen announced, panting from our sudden running spree. Thank you Captain Obvious (is this one worn out phrase or what?). She grinned and seemed to forget that just a second ago she'd ruined her shoes. "We did it! We outran them!"

It would have been a hugging, sisterly love hallmark moment if I didn't hate her. And I was oblivious to the fact Elf are so super powerful and what not. "Hate to burst your bubble," I said, also panting a bit, "but we're mortal. We can't outrun Elves. It's impossible!"

"Huh?" was the only response I could get out of her. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. A retarded wall.

"Like the chances you actually love Rick." It's hard to relate something in 'wall' terms.

"Okay, Becky, whatever," Carmen responded, obviously not paying any attention to me. I bent down to retie my shoelace. "Can we just think of a way to get out...of...here..." Maybe it was the fear in her voice. Maybe it was female intuition. Or it could have been that I was done tying my shoelace, but I looked up at Carmen's expression. I couldn't really place my finger on it. Surprise? Fear? Dare I say, lust?

I followed her gaze to behind me where, hanging from a thin, silvery thread, was a spider. Not just any spider. A colossal, furry, black spider with eight curling legs and huge, blank eyes. By the way, did I mention the fangs?

Maybe now wouldn't be a good time to add that I have arachnophobia. Crap.

Part of me expected Carmen to do the heroic thing and save me from this genetic experiment gone wrong. And I stress the word 'part'. I stole a glance behind me to see Carmen had not chosen the path of righteousness and I could faintly see her form running away. Double crap.

The spider's fangs were now dripping with goo. So...I screamed bloody freakin' murder and scampered away in fright.

I ended up running in the same direction I came from. Human pin cushion or spider chow? Both had their pros and cons. Oh heck, what am I saying? Of course I'd rather die from Elves! Actually, I rather not die-

I had bumped into something causing me to snap out of my death debate. I slowly looked up to see LEGOLAS! I mean, it has to be! It's looks just like 'movie Legolas'! Holy frick! He didn't seem too pleased to see me, but I was too in shock to care. I knew that my mouth gaping open like this made me look like I was missing a chromosome and a string of drool was probably trailing out by now, but none of that mattered!

I stood there watching him watch me watch him watch me. It was like magic and angels sang from the heavens above. Actually, it was Carmen screaming, "Rape! Ravish! Child molestation! Someone friggin' help!" From the corner of my eye I could see her being forcefully carried off by another Elf. Lucky.

I was still staring at my beloved lust object, so happy I was five seconds from bursting out into tears. I didn't pay much attention to the fact another Elf was talking to him in what I guess was Elvish. Nor did I seem to notice that every time the other Elf indicated Legolas, he used a completely DIFFERENT name. Stupid, effing hormones.

The only thing I managed to do was mumble out something that sounded like "Hiy lubb oou," which could have been either "I love you" or "High on glue." Both could have worked in a situation like this. Legolas just looked at me funny. You know, that 'Leprechauns, madame? You say you found leprechauns in your pantry? Yes, well that is awkward...' look and then you get taken away by some friendly men who give you a pretty, white jacket to wear. Weeeeee!

"Legolaaasssss," I said in my trance-like state. The Elf beside him began laughing merrily and said something to Legolas, who currently looked insulted yet extremely attractive. Hard look to pull off. The other Elf, who I'll start calling Frank for the hell of it, said something to my husband-to-be-against-his-will and all I heard/understood of it was 'Legolas.'

Frank turned to me, tears of mirth gleaming in his eyes. "You think this is Legolas?" he asked in English or Westron or whatever, pointing at Legolas.

I nodded dumbly and he started another fit of laughter. Ha ha ha, hilarious. What are we laughing about now? Legolas wasn't too happy with that. But, as my luck would have it, before I could say or do anything else, another Elf pulled a black bag over my head and I felt myself being lifted off the ground.

Oh well. You can't rape the willing.

(End of chapter 2)

Massive wootness...to the EXTREME! I hope you all liked it and will be generous and review! And have a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!