To his Whiskers

by sadcaw

There are so many things left unspoken. Upon a page, Dan can speak of those things: the little quirky happenings; the smiles shared; the feeling of comfort when there is nobody left...but Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Dan is about to need that passageway. Because the only thing he can think about is Phil. And how do you put thoughts to words without the words coming out as apologies?

2. March 24th, 2013

March 24th, 2013

Let's start by putting this all bluntly: i'm bi. No, I don't do threesomes. No, i'm not unfaithful.

I'm simply bi.

And nobody knows it, nor does anybody need to. It's complicated enough as it is without my sexuality peeking in and screaming, "Hey everybody, Dan's bi! Oh, and Dan, fuck you."

So yeah. That's out of the way.

Today was a lazy day. We didn't really work on our videos. We just…coexisted, you know? We didn't really interact. If we had, I wouldn't of used such a cold word…coexisted…urgh.

I don't really know why. Phil kinda just gave me one of his little grins- you know, the one where his tongue sticks out between his teeth?- and said (his exact words), "I'm not in the mood for doing all that much, Dan. Do you want to watch Buffy?"

Well, I can tell you I didn't say no. From there, we didn't speak much. Just, "Go fetch a snack, Dan," or "Do you think we should start working on the video?" "Nah."

Or, "Dan, what are you doing?"

Wait. Hold on. Let me tell you now that this was one of the most mortifying experiences i've had in my entire life. Alright?

"What?"

And I look down. Apparently my hand had made it's way to Phil's hand and was silently stroking it with my thumb.

No wonder I had felt so calm all the sudden. The warmth. The casualness of it all. The way I leaned into him.

Fuck.

"I don't really know, to be honest."

And then he just gave me a worried smile, a concerned one at that, and then we were back to Buffy.

God fucking dammit, what the fuck even was that.

So that was my day. Yeah.