A/N: Goldylokz was the first to guess the bachelors but the top choice (Bachelor 4) also gets a moment.
- START THEME -
- Island Matchmaker -
- The Bachelors are still behind a screen. Kate is sitting and Ben is reviewing his script. Bachelor 5 turns to Ben.
Bachelor 5: Dude, where's that chicken you promised?
Bachelor 2: Hold it Tubby.
Bachelor 4: Hey, Tubby is my pet name for him.
Bachelor 2: So no one else but you can call Tubby Tubby?
Bachelor 4:You need another restraining order, Kung Pao Chicken?
Bachelor 5: Don't talk about chicken, Dudes. I'm waiting for my chicken I was promised for being on this stupid show.
Bachelor 3: Didn't you get the memo? Ben lies... apparently.
- Ben takes off his glasses and addresses the camera.
Ben: Welcome back, I'm Benjamin Linus and you're tuned into Island Matchmaker. Take a journey to the Orchid Station - well known for being the current plot point of the series. While it's not known yet what it is, and what it does we thought it would make a pretty neat sound stage to exploit our island cohabitants. So Kate, do you think you know who the bachelors behind the screen are?
- Kate crosses her legs and rolls her eyes.
Kate: You could have at least tried to disguise their voices.
Ben: Jacob says that's not in the budget. Anyhow, the questioning is open to you Kate. What do you wanna ask the boys?
Kate:OK guys. Purely hypothetically of course. Would you care about me less if I killed my dad and stole someone's baby?
Bachelor 1: Of course not. I wouldn't even think less of you of the baby was my half-sister's and you had an on-again, off-again, kinky island relationship with some other guy when you got bored of me.
Kate: Yeah, like that doesn't happen every three episodes. Bachelor 2?
Bachelor 2: Define care, freckles.
Bachelor 4:OK, that's it! You wanna go, squinty?
Bachelor 2: Bring it on.
- A few punches can be heard from behind the screen.
Bachelor 3: Were you doing it for the island?
Kate: No.
Bachelor 3: I'd have to say "yes" then.
Bachelor 4: Course I wouldn't sweet-cakes. As long as ya don't sleep with the doc.
Bachelor 1: Just you wait till we get off this island.
Bachelor 5: Dude, that's not cool. So where's that chicken?
Bachelor 6: Um... well... see... the thing is... I'm only here to do some research... and I'm not sure if I should... ahem... uh... care for...anybody except my constant.
Bachelor 2: He wouldn't care. Bachelor 6 doesn't have any of his own opinions on anything.
Bachelor 6: Hey, that's not true. I'm just cautious.
Bachelor 2: Right.
Bachelor 4: Want me to punch him for ya, Weird Science?
- another punch is heard.
Ben: Alright. If you're ready I'll bring out the bachelors.
Kate: I want Bachelor 4.
Ben: That's nice. But unfortunately Jacob gets to pick the man for you. So who have we got?
- Jack, Miles, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley and Daniel Faraday come out from behind the screen.
Ben: Now, I'm introducing Christian who is here to talk on behalf of Jacob.
- Christian Shephard comes out, shadowed. He steps into the light.
Locke: I know that guy!
Sawyer: Join the club, baldy.
Jack: I'm not insane. I'm not insane. I'm not insane. Is anyone else seeing my father here?
Christian Shephard: Thanks, I'm glad to be here on behalf of Jacob. Jacob says he's been reviewing the situation and his match is... drum roll please...
- There is a drum roll. Kate sits on the edge of her seat.
Christian Shephard: Me. That's right. I am your perfect match.
Miles: Can somebody say "fraud"?
Sawyer: Takes one to know one Giant Wang.
Ben: So, you can now choose which location to have your ultra romantic love-fest.
Kate: How about nowhere?
Ben: You have chosen the burial site of the Dharma purge. I hope it's as romantic for you as it was for Locke and I.
Locke: You call shooting me romantic?
Ben: I thought you liked it rough.
Miles/Sawyer: Only when he's the guy doing the roughing up.
Hurley: Dudes are you sure you guys aren't like, the same character?
Ben: So Kate... are you ready for your date?
Kate: Fine. But can I at least have one dramatic kiss with Sawyer before I go to my doom?
Ben: Sure, I can't see why not. This is a pathetic ploy for ratings after all.
- Kate and Sawyer become attached at the lips for the next ten minutes. Ben watches his watch.
Ben: OK. We've wasted enough time grossing out Jack - now it's time for your date with Christian...
- Jacks gagging is heard in the background.
Jack: Uh, still grossed out here.
Ben: And time to bring out our next bachelorette Claire Littleton!
- Claire comes out waving.
Claire: Hi everyone.
Ben: Who will our next bachelor list be? Let me know and I'll stick them in the line-up.
Miles: Hey, skinhead... got any more grenades? Because I think I'd rather have one of those between my teeth right now.
- Locke hands a grenade over to him.
Ben: See you next time on Ben's Island Matchmaker!
Claire's bachelors should be WHO? Press that button and let Jacob, Ben and crew know!