Dunkelste Nacht

Anyone who lives through being a teenager doesn't need to be reminded how miserable it is, and how it really is some of the most formative years of your life. It somehow manages to be your own personal hell, with only the occasional bright spot. Everything is unstable, constantly changing, everyone grasping to know something. On the Upper East Side, sure, we look like we have it together much better than the rest, but inside, it's just as bad.

In those years, my rank in the hierarchy never wavered, but the rest of my life was in shambles. And it started with that summer. Eleanor hauled me off to Paris rather than letting me go to the Hamptons with Serena. I missed my friends terribly, no matter how much I loved Paris. It was even worse when Eleanor explained that she and father were divorcing. Alone, in a foreign country, with my overbearing mother, telling me I was to become another statistic; another child from a broken home. I sat in my room in shock most of the day. I was only able to cry when Dorota came to check on me. She hugged me and I broke into tears.

I became cold after that; I saw my mother refuse to have a man affect her pride and success. That attachment, that desire to share yourself with another, I wrote it off as a liability not worth pursuing. Those feelings I had begun to feel around Chuck fell away; school, fashion, and society dominated my thoughts. That single mindedness is how I lived through the year long divorce proceedings, how I lived through the school year.

We were all going through changes, and we all dealt with it in our own ways. Chuck grew from being the boy with all the toys, able to get any treat or toy his greedy peers desired, to expanding into other sins as well. His general cockiness and air of superiority grew at the same exponential rate as his hormones.

We still schemed together, but there was a distance and coldness between us, as I was lost in my own body and my parental issues. He would make sleazy comments though he knew I was above it all, but he liked to try and get a reaction from me- it was very good practice for perfecting my bitch face. But as the boys became sexual, and began dipping into drugs and alcohol, Chuck was their guide and mentor, and our alliance was still key to maintaining order- maintaining the world as we liked it. I would have denied it then, but now… I know he was always watching me, as I watched him, always from a distance.

After the beginning of sixth grade, Blair lived through the humiliation of being fitted for her first bra. Dorota dragged her to Bergdorf's, using Serena as a buffer, as it was time for her, too. Serena tried to make it fun- but she had already… progressed more than Blair. Every morning when she dutifully put on her tiny new bra, she stared at her oddly shaped body and wondered why. For Blair, it was one more thing flying out of control. Her breasts were honestly a joke, her arms and legs felt too long, all of her body full of sharp angles, and… the hair. The whole thing was awkward, frustrating- especially when some of her favorite pieces in her wardrobe refused to hang right anymore, or were too short, or too tight.

And there was the stress of waiting. Waiting for… the change.

Oh, she had been hearing about it for awhile now. Her birthday came and went, then Christmas… Serena got hers in February. Blair wasn't envious, just terrified. She feared that there might be something wrong with her, as more and more girls became 'women'.

But there wasn't.

It was a pretty morning in March when Blair woke up. Her lower back felt tight and when she went to shower, she was horrified to find her favorite pajamas ruined. She laid them to rest, burying them in her waste bin, hoping Dorota wouldn't find them. Hot water blasted her skin and she relished the feel of it as she showered, washing the blood away.

As she dressed, her body continued to rebel. She felt heavy, and certain parts of her felt sore. But she was Blair Waldorf, and she was not going to let nature stop her, or slow her down. She swallowed her breakfast even though she was not hungry and stomped off to school, determined.

She made it through the morning somehow, a smile plastered on her face though she was in pain. She leaned a little against her locker before lunch, as a wave of discomfort rolled over her, blood rushing from her body, and the beginning of a cramp. She slammed her locker shut and rushed- as much as Blair Waldorf ever would, to the girls room.

Five minutes later, Chuck walked up to Serena at lunch. "Aren't you missing someone?"

"Ah, Blair's probably just reprimanding someone for a fashion faux pas." Serena flashed him a little 'that's our girl' smile.

Chuck took Serena's arm and pulled her from the table, giving the other girls a suave smile to buy their forgiveness. Turning away from them, he said, "That's not the case, and I'm afraid this one is all on you."

Serena looked at him, completely lost. Chuck said nothing more and pushed her into the girls bathroom.

"Blair?"

There was a small sniffle. Serena bent down to see if there was anyone in the stalls. She could see half of Blair, sitting, curled up on the floor of the largest one.

"Blair, it's me, let me in."

Blair managed to scoot to the door and unbolt it.

She was instantly wrapped in Serena's arms. "What's going on?"

"It… happened."

"It?" Serena didn't follow.

"It. And it hurts so much!" Blair felt another cramp tighten.

"Oh!" Serena finally caught on, "What hurts?"

"Everything." Blair grumbled.

"Here, turn around." Serena nudged Blair to turn, and pressed her fingers into Blair's lower back. Blair cried a little at first, but in a few minutes, Serena had loosened the knots that were wound tight around Blair's hips.

Stopping, Serena asked, "Good enough to stand?"

"I think so… I still feel miserable."

"We'll go to the nurse, she'll at least give you some painkillers to get you through the rest of class. Then we can go home and get you a heating pad, comfy pajamas, and watch any movie you like?"

"And send Dorota to Serendipity… we're going to need sweets."

"That sounds like a plan!" Serena stood and helped Blair up. They walked to the nurse together, Serena pushing Blair through the door. When she turned around, Chuck had come, seemingly from the shadows, to stand next to her.

"Well?"

"Our little girl is growing up!" Serena played, gushing as though she were overwrought with emotion.

"So she's okay?"

Serena watched his demeanor change, a tension she had not noticed earlier, easing away.

"She will be fine. As for the rest of us… I'm not sure how this island will survive a hormonal Blair Waldorf." Serena chuckled.

She saw the briefest flash of a smile on Chuck's face just before he turned away from her and walked back down the hall.

The pain and the trauma of my first period passed under Serena's care with giggles and chocolate.

Within a few months it was the end of the end of the year. By the summer solstice, the divorce was over, too. Daddy had settled in the South of France with a home in Paris, while Eleanor had homes in Paris and New York, and custody of me. I didn't think about how basically, both my parents lived in France, leaving me with Dorota in New York. Eleanor would fly in and out all year long, throwing the odd party and stuffing me into her newest creation. Eventually, it was okay because I came to recognize I had my own life to live. But before that, the whole thing made me sick.

And he knew… somehow, he knew.

Perhaps not 'somehow'. We always sensed one another and there was a joy I felt whenever a scheme allowed me to slip into the shadows for a time with him.

But there was one night… one night he found me in the shadows, in my darkest moment.

Serena was having a pool party and Blair was happy to be back in the Hamptons. The divorce finally over, there was sun and friends and fun to be had! Blair looked sweet in her little one-piece, playing in the pool and talking with her classmates. There was a relief, Blair was where she belonged this summer, and with the divorce over, she seemed lighter. Chuck could never keep his eyes off of her for long, her apparent happiness keeping him warm as the sun sank in the sky. The past year had been hard not just on Blair- he had to watch, and sometimes, it was not his own pain that ran him to distraction. He mourned the loss of the Blair who tied that bow tie around his neck, and the Chuck Bass who had nearly kissed her.

So when she seemingly disappeared from the party, it did not take long for him to discover her absence. He searched the house for her… someone saw her go upstairs. Maybe she was not feeling well? Oh… if only that was all.

He found her.

In her bathroom.

Pale, thin body knelt on the floor.

With her fingers down her throat.

The sound was awful, gut-wrenching, his reaction instant as he grabbed her. She screamed at him in horror and shame when he pulled her away. Chuck forced her to wash her mouth out and splash the heat and tears from her face before he dragged her to her bed.

He towered over her, grasping her arms, his voice pleading as she sat before him, "How long?"

Nothing. His blood began to boil, rage rising him. Not her. Not Blair. Anyone but Blair. Her actions, her silence, all pressed down on him.

He shouted, "How long, Blair!"

"Almost a month." Her voice was small, frail, and it sounded so wrong in his ears.

His hands tightened on her arms a little, "My God Blair, how could you?" He gritted his teeth, trying to control himself, "I could just…"

He wanted to shake her, scream at her for being so stupid.

And she knew it, he saw it from the look on her face.

"Do it." Her gaze was resolute, she dared him to. She wanted him to hurt her.

The way she was hurting herself.

"No."

Chuck let go of her and her face fell. He paced the room, letting his fury work itself out for a few minutes. His mind spun, trying to grasp how, why, she would do such a thing? He couldn't have cared less when it was a supermodel expelling her dinner, but Blair? His eyes were hot with outrage and he rubbed them with his hands, trying to release the pent up energy.

Blair hugged herself tight, wishing she could squeeze her eyes tight enough that she would disappear. Why did it have to be Chuck who found her? Her body trembled with cold, but her blood was hot with shame. Out of everyone she looked down upon, it had to be one of the only people she felt respect for that found her like that, trying to purge her life away.

The silence became oppressive and she was much too quiet for Chuck's liking. He walked back to her and wrapped his hands around her arms again, lightly this time, "Look at me."

Her eyes were wide, and tired, when she gazed up at him. That relief he had seen earlier-that lightness in her, a facade; the worn reality of her tattered self now exposed. It wasn't right, none of this was right. "You can't keep doing this, Blair."

"Why no-"

His eyes were dark and bright and his voice solid, as unyielding as his words, "You really want to go against me? You would risk that, after all these years? Just to hurt yourself?"

Years. They had really known each other for years. Her respect for him pinned her in place. She gazed into his eyes and saw his pain and concern. Chuck was one of the last people she wanted to fight, especially about this.

He watched as her mind changed and her demeanor shifted, her shoulders dropping in surrender, her head coming forward to rest against his bare chest.

Happy with this small bit of progress, he slipped into her bed and pulled her into a hug. Chuck held her tight and she relaxed in his arms. "Don't you dare try to outsmart me on this one, Waldorf. Don't you dare."

He held her until she was asleep, a little reluctant to leave. He was not about to provoke her rage if he stayed and let everyone incorrectly fill in the blanks of Blair and Chuck in her bed together, all night. He was not about to let her hurt herself, and he would never hurt her either.

Basstard. I would forever owe him after that. And he was right; he was not about to let me try and outsmart him on this one. He went over my head. No. Not Eleanor, thank God. But, Dorota. He tipped her off and they became allies. Dorota made me go to therapy, threatening to tell Eleanor all if I did not consent. So it stopped, and while no Upper East Sider is ever free of their issues and problems, I focused all that energy into my development, rather than my destruction. School, clubs, fashion, and music.

I had been playing the cello for some years, but only when it became an outlet for my mess of adolescent feelings did I really begin to play. I could hide in the music, or express my feelings- frustration, loneliness, anger. And like my school work, it had the direct relationship that the amount of time and effort put into it, is what you got out of it. The only variable was my commitment to it. It was something no one else could touch; my mother could not ruin my playing, or Serena, or my peers, it was just me and my cello.

And there was still scheming. Always scheming.

It eventually inspired a standing meeting with Chuck to keep tabs on everything. A neutral place, where we would not be seen by our peers. The Plaza was halfway between our respective homes, and The Rose Club inside was tucked away from everything. Plush velvet seats, dark corners, and like every bartender in town, they all knew Chuck Bass. He was polite enough to at least drink rum and Coke at these meetings, just in case. He really was something else! I would order Shirley Temple's, just to mock his insane drinking habit.

But we'd sit and talk about what everyone was up to. Who was causing problems, and how to keep them in check. It was a beautiful time; everyone was in so much trouble all the time and they had no concept of hiding their discretions. No one had a chance at threatening me, that I even had time to begin watching the older girls in high school, and learning what and… who, my older peers were up to.

So much so, that in eighth grade, Serena and I were the youngest students to ever be allowed to help with Cotillion.

It was the first real flex of my Queenly abilities. With perfect control of my future minions, I ruined the plans for the debs and mentors tea and successfully organized a new, and much more elegant, tea. The society matrons were delighted and oh so grateful, and Serena and I were asked to help during the event. This gave us greater knowledge and experience than all our peers in the coming years. And as Queen, I needed to be the number one debutant in my year.

By this time, everything started to feel better, actually. All the girls had gotten used to having periods and breasts, people were kissing and dating openly for the most part. I was still dreaming of my Marchesa gown, but walked to school in one of my many pairs of heels carrying one of my many precious bags. And while I didn't fill out my Chantelle the way Serena filled out her La Perla, I was happy with my B-cups. Secretly, it was nice because I could go braless without looking like… well… Serena, when she did.

It was that winter, I made a mistake in my happiness. At least it was only a tiny one? Sort of…

Title: German 'The Darkest Night' proofed by my dear Emi-chan, whom has done several pieces of anime-styled art of Chuck and Blair on Tumblr.

Apologies for such heavy darkness in the second chapter, but the events of this chapter are a key factor in this Blair's development.