Part II: M.I.A
Missing In Action. That was the official term for someone who'd gone missing while engaged in a military action. Missing. Not dead. As in, "we don't know where he is, and since we haven't found a body, can't actually say he's dead," even when all evidence points to exactly that. Without a body, no confirmation of death can be made. Pure and simple.
Squall was missing. Not dead. Rinoa knew that without any doubt; she could feel him. He was still alive. Somewhere. But for some reason, Rinoa could not get him to respond to her and tell her where. It was as though he couldn't "hear" her through their link, or perhaps he was unconscious. That thought frightened her. Unconscious meant injured, and as the days passed with no response to her, she began to worry that he would die before he was found.
He was alive; she held to that lifeline as hard as she could, and refused to think that this evidence of life might be….finite. It made her desperate to find him before he did die. For a number of reasons.
The way their mindlink was behaving however wasn't helping. She knew that Squall would block her out when he went on missions; they didn't share absolutely everything, and Rinoa understood that while he was working he often could not share with her what he was doing until it was done. But that block shouldn't have remained in place if he was injured. The fact that it still was confused her.
Ellone was having even less success in connecting with him than Rinoa, which was not at all comforting.
"Mrs. Leonhart?" a young SeeD, Squall's aide and an altogether nice young man, addressed her. He carried a cup of hot tea, liberally sugared and lightened with a splash of milk.
She directed her attention to him and smiled, then sighed inwardly as the young man blushed. He might be in his early twenties, but certainly didn't look it. He looked all of sixteen and was obviously crushing hard on her. She hoped his crush wouldn't stop him from fulfilling his real function, should it be required. Squall ….and Rinoa….had chosen the young man carefully for a specific purpose. One that she hoped would not be necessary. If they found Squall in time, it wouldn't be.
"Thank you, Rieve." She said, taking the tea from him and sipping it, feeling it warm the lump of ice that had taken up residence in her stomach. "Have you…heard anything?" she asked hesitantly.
"Nothing yet ma'am. We do know that he accomplished his objective, but that's all we know right now. The…" he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "the….ret…rescue team…they've just reached his last reported location and are tracking him from there. We'll know more when they do."
Rinoa smiled kindly at the young man as she sipped her tea. She'd heard the slip. He'd almost said retrieval instead of rescue. They still thought they were searching for a body, despite Rinoa's assurances that Squall was still alive, just lost. Lost…like I am, without you. Please, please Squall…Please hear me?
She closed her eyes and reached for him again, feeling the sting of tears as she came up against the barrier once more. She touched it, running her mental "hands" over it. It was smooth, impenetrable, and opaque. She could pierce through it if she truly wanted to but something held her back, a sense that it would do him harm if she did so.
"Are you all right Mrs. Leonhart?" Rieve asked her.
"I'm fine. Just tired. Are the twins home from school yet?" She asked him. She already knew the answer; she was just making conversation in an effort to distract herself.
"Yes, they've already taken charge of Misty. They're in the playroom right now with her." He answered.
"I'll be going then. I'm tired and….And I need them." She said, draining her tea and standing up, stretching her back. Fatigue always seemed to gather there, more and more every year. Despite the fact that to the rest of the world, Rinoa still looked to be in her twenties, she was a good bit older, and sometimes, she felt every damn year of it.
Not that she or Squall were all that old, really, though she guessed she had at least ten years on Rieve. She wondered if he was aware of that. She supposed it really didn't matter, in the final analysis. Squall had killed his first sorceress at age seventeen, after all.
That wasn't the plan Rinoa, and you know it. He's there to stabilize you and help you get to Esthar. Give the kids over to Laguna and you….to a tomb of ice. He's not to kill you unless he has no other choice. If the bond doesn't take, if the Odine bangle can't contain you… a very real possibility. Her powers had grown exponentially over the years, through practice and refinement, though she never used it offensively anymore. She was easily more powerful than both Edea and Adel combined had been.
It was a dangerous plan, and one neither Squall nor she liked. Rieve would essentially have to take Squall's place as knight, at least temporarily, and help her get to Esthar to be sealed. She wondered if she wouldn't rather he just killed her instead. Or…perhaps just let her die with her husband.
But then that would leave open the whole question of who would inherit her powers, and Rinoa was terrified that the power would follow the Leonhart bloodline and fall to Julia. She would rather spend eternity in cryostasis than force her daughter to become a sorceress at twelve. But that was only one reason, and while an important one, not the main one…
Smoothing her hands down over her protruding abdomen, she felt the baby stir and settle again. He was the main reason they had come up with this plan. Keep her sane, keep her contained, until their surprise baby could be born. Another son. Rinoa and Squall had already picked out a name for him. Tempest Fury. The sense she had of his developing personality told her that the name was a fitting one.
She saw Rieve's gaze soften as he asked, "Baby okay?"
"He's fine. You'll let me know, the minute anything changes?" she asked him.
"Yes."
"Good night then Rieve," she said, walking toward the door.
Out of habit, without even thinking, she mentally reached for Squall….and staggered as a wash of confusion and pain hit her. Her knees buckled and she cried out, momentarily blinded by the onslaught. It was blocked out again an instant later, leaving Rinoa gasping and shaking, tears rolling down her cheeks. Rieve held her supported, a mixture of fear, concern and grim determination on his face. One of his hands supported her elbow and she leaned against him, while the other….
The other held an Odine bangle.
"Ri-Mrs. Leonhart?" He asked, eyes searching hers, worried.
"I'm….I'm okay. It's okay Rieve," she said shakily, trying to tamp down the urge to fall into a sobbing heap at his feet.
"Should I get Dr. Kadowaki?" he asked.
"No. I just need to get home and rest." Rinoa answered, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. She could fall apart there without scaring onlookers into thinking that she was going to go Insane Sorceress on them all. Rieve handed her a tissue and she thanked him as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
"I should walk you home," the young man said. "You don't look at all steady."
Taking a deep breath, she shook her head, "No. I'll be ok." She stepped away from him and gave him a slight smile, "you don't need the bangle yet. He's not dead. Just….hurt." her voice broke on that last word and she turned away before the young SeeD could see the tears welling in her eyes again.
Then she forced her rubbery, shaky knees to bear her up and continue walking her out the door. She shoved the pain and fear and everything else that she was assaulted with in that brief, intense contact, to the back of her mind. She still had to bear up and remain calm for the kids; Saber, Julia and Misty were all as worried as Rinoa about their daddy. And they were all sensitives, so her emotional state would feed into theirs, though Julia and Saber now were old enough to exercise some control over it and now had pretty decent barriers.
She would have to put off falling apart and sobbing herself into insensibility for after the children were in bed.
Despite Rinoa's certainty that she would not sleep, her body's needs as dictated by the baby she carried within her dragged her deeply into slumber. Deep enough to have strange dreams. She was wandering the flower field near the old orphanage in Centra, a carpet of red, pink, and white blooms at her feet and petals drifting like feathers in the wind. The sunlight had the hazy golden quality of a late summer sunset; the very spot and time of day that Squall had proposed marriage to her.
She looked around for him, but he wasn't there. She was confused for a moment. Was this the moment that she'd found him dying after the battle with Ultimecia, or the one he'd proposed? Was Squall still lost in time?
I'll be waiting….here… if you come here, you'll find me….
She started running through the field, heart pounding, hoping she'd find him lying in the flowers, hoping she'd be able to bring him back…calling for him and willing him to answer. When he did not, her strength left her and she sank to her knees in the flowers, sobbing helplessly.
Squall…oh, Squall I need you so much…I should never have let you convince me to stay behind….
She woke alone in the wee hours of the morning, cheeks wet with tears. A glance at the empty space beside her that Squall used to occupy brought on more tears, and she curled up on her side, buried her face in her pillow and wept silently.
Only her certainty that he lived; unshakeable as the days passed with no word on his fate, helped her hold together. Rieve, the kids, they helped of course, though in Rieve's case, his support was tempered by wariness. It was as though he was watching her and waiting…. Waiting for the sorceress to awaken and destroy everything and everyone.
Dr. Kadowaki had been kind enough to give Rinoa a leave of absence while they were searching for Squall. Rinoa knew it was as much because of what his condition might possibly be when they found him as her current emotional state. She wasn't able to concentrate fully on her job and was relieved to have that responsibility suspended for the time being. But the enforced idleness was almost worse.
She did what she could to keep busy so that she wouldn't dwell on her fears, her loneliness… she missed Squall desperately and felt completely helpless and useless. Unable to reach him through their bond, she was also unable to track him, so had no way of even knowing which direction to look for him. She only knew, from the brief contact that she'd had before it was blocked out, that he was confused, afraid and in pain, a state that she'd never felt from him before. She'd felt him get injured before, had felt his pain and his anger at having been so clumsy as to get hurt. She'd felt him confused when delirious with fever; an uncommon occurrence for him, since he rarely got sick, but it did happen, most notably if he was exposed to poison. But the mixture of confusion and helpless fear that she'd felt from him was new, and it broke her heart that she could not offer him any comfort.
Rieve was kind enough to bring her updates with her morning coffee as he checked in on her. He was very good at his job, and Rinoa had to give him points for being there without hovering or being too obviously concerned for her state of mind. He already knew enough to simply take a long look directly into her eyes when he spoke to her, and not seeing the amber glow of her power in them, to let her be.
As the days became one week, then two and more, however, with no change in the news that filtered from the searchers, Rinoa found it harder and harder not to give in to despair.
"Mrs. Leonhart?" Rieve asked, entering her apartment at her invitation. He handed her a cup of tea and cleared his throat, tapping a sheaf of papers nervously against his thigh.
"Good morning Rieve," Rinoa said, crossing the apartment to the dining room table and sitting down, inviting the young man to do the same. Then she asked "Anything new?"
Glancing down at the table and smoothing the papers he'd been carrying, Rieve answered carefully, "Maybe. The crew's finally found what they think was Squall's last location."
"Is he…there?" Rinoa asked, swallowing. Surely not. If he'd been injured, he had to have been receiving some kind of aid; he would have died by now, otherwise. Therefore, someone had moved him from that location. If that in fact was the case, then they should be able to track where he'd gone or had been taken to from there.
Rieve shook his head, answering, "No. But we did find the bodies of his team, and of the members of the cell he'd been sent to track down. We also found a lot of blood where we think he….fell. But you're right, no body. There's a clear trail leading away from the battlefield though, and they're busy working out what happened and tracking down where he might be now." Reaching out, he took her hand and squeezed it gently before letting go, adding quietly, "We're getting close, I can feel it. We will find him. It's just a matter of time now."
Rinoa nodded, smiling anxiously at him, "I hope you're right." She took a sip of her tea and sighed. "Thank you Rieve."
He took his leave moments later, leaving Rinoa alone with her thoughts. Laguna had been apprised of the situation, and was willingly taking charge of his grandchildren for the week in order to give Rinoa some breathing space. It wasn't a chore for them to spend time with "Poppa Laguna" in Winhill, and it would be a welcome distraction from missing and worrying about their father. Rinoa was doing more than enough of that for all of them.
She was torn however; she vacillated between feeling guilty and inadequate at pawning her children off on their grandfather, even though he'd sounded as though he'd needed them as badly as they needed him, and feeling selfish for wanting to cling to them for emotional support. She should be the strong one, the rock. Her children should be able to lean upon her, not the reverse.
The one person that she did lean on when she needed it was the one that was currently missing from her life.
She had friends of course, she wasn't entirely alone. Selphie and Quistis both had been frequent visitors, generously allowing her to dampen their shoulders on a regular basis, whenever she had need. Without them, she'd have….she didn't know what she'd have done, though dark madness beckoned. But….he's not dead. HE IS NOT DEAD. I can still feel him…I just can't….TOUCH him….
It was almost worse, being able to sense his presence but not connect with him, communicate with him…on the one hand, it reassured her that he was still alive, and on the other it made her fear even more for his condition.
Why can't you hear me? Why can't I reach you? Please, Squall…Please answer me?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well then, rather a short chapter this time out, from Rinoa's POV this time... next one is Squall's and so on.. next update should be fairly soon...possibly. maybe. There's still a couple of other stories I'm working on, and I'll endeavor to update at least one of them soon..