Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Collection

Story 2: Never

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than much needed writing practice.

AN: This was another fic written back in 2005 but I'm rewriting here in 2015 to put in this collection. I was also unsure whether to put this in my comedy collection or my romance one (coming soon). Since it's written so informally and there are funny moments I went for comedy.

He knew she was tough.

From what he'd heard, basic training had been easy for her.

She'd been shot more than once, had her throat slit, and never let a scream pass her lips.

She'd never taken any drugs.

She never got drunk.

She never showed anyone disrespect unless they disrespected her.

She never insulted anyone's intelligence.

She never cursed at anyone unless they warranted it.

She never showed him disrespect.

She never insulted his intelligence.

She never cursed at him.

Until Now . . .

Riza Mustang gripped her husband's hand with all the strength she had. She screamed, her eyes were filled with tears and her body was drenched in sweat. With her other hand she gripped the sheets on the bed with all her might.

"Why didn't you give me enough drugs, idiot doctor?"

"Missus Mustang, you must keep your stress levels as low as possible. It's not good for the baby," the doctor said. Roy figured he must have a death wish.

If looks could kill, the doctor would be drawn, quartered, castrated, and cremated. "You don't have to go through this, you dickhead! I'd like to see you spread your legs and push a baby out of your urethra."

Roy cringed, the doctor paled and all the nurses around her giggled.

"God, I wish I were drunk." She screamed when another contraction hit her.

So do I. He hated seeing his wife in such pain. She'd been in labor for fifteen hours so far, and Roy could somewhat…A tad…Okay, so he understood the impatience at least. There's no way he'd be able to relate to what Riza was feeling. He'd always appreciated women, but now even more so. "You'll be okay, Love."

She glared, screamed as she pushed, and squeezed Roy's hand harder. He figured the grip was just a bit short of injuring him. If she was going through all of this, then he could take pain in his hand. "Breathe, Riza, it can't be worse than getting shot."

That comment was probably one of the worst things he could've said. "You are never touching me again, you arrogant asshole. You hear me?" The bones in his hand cracked, and he fell to his knees, the pain so excruciating he blacked out.

-/-/-

A few hours later…

Roy woke to find himself sitting in a chair. After his blurry vision cleared, he saw his hand with a bandage wrapped tightly around it. When he remembered where he was, his head shot up, his neck cracking with the action. Damn it! Where's Riza?

He looked around the room in a panic until his eyes settled on his wife in bed, holding a small pink bundle. Her face was still flushed, her hair askew and her breathing still ragged. Dark circles hung under her eyes. Her eyes were fixed upon the child she held. The doctor and nurses were gone.

He got up from his chair and walked toward the rocking chair beside their bed. When she looked up at him, he stopped in his tracks. If she didn't want him near her, he wouldn't take another step. He couldn't blame her if she felt that way. He'd missed the birth of their child. There she was going through all that pain and he'd blacked out just because she squeezed his hand too hard.

"Aren't you going to come and say hello to your daughter?" she said.

He relaxed when her voice came out calm. He went over to sit down in the rocking chair. She handed him their child. He sat back and then looked down.

It was instant love. This was a being he and Riza created out of their love. She was a person that they were completely responsible for creating and fostering until she became an adult. It was a terrifying prospect, but one he welcomed. Awe overtook him when her dark eyes opened and looked at his face. He tensed, out of fear that she was going to cry, but she only stared up at him. She looked like him in the face and eyes, but she had her mother's coloring and hair.

"Beautiful isn't she?" Riza asked.

Roy tore his eyes away from his daughter and looked at his wife. "She's gorgeous like her mother."

"Do you like the name Alexandria?" she asked. "Alexandria Mae Mustang."

Roy gave her a wide smile. "He'd be thrilled. Yeah, I like that." The baby closed her eyes again and he heard a tiny yawn. He chuckled, stood, and walked over to the crib. He placed the now sleeping baby inside her bed.

He moved to sit in the chair again, but she grabbed his wrist. "Rest with me."

Roy slid off his shoes and crawled into bed beside her. They rested with her propped against him. He felt her relax but had the need to ask something before she drifted off to sleep.

"Are you angry with me?"

"What would I be angry about?"

"Fainting when you did this," he asked and showed his hand. "I didn't get to see Alexandria be born."

Her brows furrowed and she took his hand gently. "It's sprained and you blacked out, but you hit your head on the bed and that's why you stayed unconscious so long. So, no, I'm not mad. Are you made at me for calling you an asshole and hurting your hand?"

"No."

She cuddled closer and yawned. He stroked her hair. "Sleep. You've had a hard day."

"That's an understatement," she said and yawned yet again before finally going to sleep.

He kissed the top of her head. Yes, she may have gone against all the "nevers" he thought associated with her, but he had one to add to his never list.

He'd never let her go.

AN: Another fic based loosely off real life events way back when I first wrote this. My friend actually hurt her husband's hand when she squeezed it so hard as she was giving birth. He fell and hit his head and missed the delivery. For her second kid, she refused to allow him in the delivery room and he was fine with that.