A cold wind was blowing through the Candy Streets. It came ripping down through the Ice Kingdom, chilling the air to the point that there was not a single Candy Citizen walking around. Even the guards spent most of their times huddled next to the street lights, keeping themselves warm. I really wanted nothing more than to join them. My hands felt like they were frozen, even though I had them stuffed in my pits. My uniform was tops at slinking around the shadows, but it was schlect for warmth. I gazed jealously at the little lamp fire and the three banana guards around it. I pulled my peepers away from the fire and pulled the picture of my target out of inner shirt pocket. My throwing blades made a little clinking sound as I did. Thankfully, I was too far away from the guards for them to notice. My target was Captain of the Guard, Mr. Rama.

I groaned in frustration.

He looked just like the rest of them. How the stuff was I supposed to tell one banana from the next?

I took a deep breath and thought for a few seconds. At least my mission couldn't go as bad as Me-Mow's. She was supposed to eliminate Wild Berry princess and ended up running into Finn and Jake, the heroes of Ooo. She was still complaining about having to retake the Guild test when I at the three guards who were discussing Candy Kingdom affairs, I made my way a little closer. Maybe I could overhear something useful.

"You get called up for the Royal's Ball?" One of the three indistinguishable guards said to the other.

"Oh yeah, I'm gonna be guarding the front gate."

"Me too. How exciting. The next few days of waiting are going to be tough."

"You think Marceline is going to attend?" One of the guards said sheepishly. They all got a frightened look on their faces at the mention of the Vampire Queen. I thanked Grod that she wasn't prowling around the skies above the Kingdom tonight. I was a killer in the shadows, but I was a simpering child next to the darkness of that one. The guards quickly changed subjects and kept talking. I sighed a frosty breath of boredom and changed positions, crouching down on the street. Maybe if I stayed low and moved quick enough I could...

Now that I was down closer, I saw that the street wasn't made of stone. Instead it was some kind of material almost glued together. I dug a gloved hand into the street, breaking through the outer layer and coming up with a handful of something soft.

It smelled good. I hesitantly lowered my mask and took a lick.

It was brittle, with peanut butter fudge underneath it.

Everything was made out of candy? I can see why they wouldn't advertise that fact. It would make the kingdom a target. A sweet, sweet target.

Suddenly a wild plan appeared.

A candy person shambled out of the darkness. He appeared to be an odd conglomeration of brittle, fudge, graham cracker wall, and a few bits of candy cane stuck here and there, almost at random. He oozed his way over to the talking guards and spoke with an odd mannerism, like someone trying a little too hard to blend in.

"Why hello there...fellow candy people." I said, trying really hard to give my voice that "I'm not an assassin," quality. The guards all stared at me for a few moments.

This was so dumb, I thought as I tensed up. Fighting three giant bananas armed with spears in the middle of the city would guarantee I would be taking the Guild exam again this time next year.

"I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?"

"Oh, my name is uh..."I struggled, trying to pull genius out of my buns. "...Melty?"

The guards looked at each other for a second before shrugging in unison and huddling closer to their lamp fire.

The Candy Kingdom is full of dopes. I'll put that in my report.

"I have a message for Captain Rama. A royal message. Uh, from the royalty."

The guards exchanged excited looks.

"Oh boy, it must be our assignments for the Royalty Ball. He lives over there." The guard pointed out one of the gingerbread houses.

"He has a key hidden under his welcome mat, go ahead and leave the message in the house for him."

"Oh, and don't worry about waking him up, he's a real deep sleeper."

They all had such happy, helpful expressions. I stared at them in shock.

"Really? Just go in?"

They all nodded.

"Okay then. Here I go...off to deliver a message...and nothing more." I said and nodded.

Once I was safely hidden again, I shucked the gross candy disguise. Some of the fudge was frozen onto my clothes and had to be broken off. Relatively clean, I made my way towards the Captain's house. Sure enough, right under his welcome mat, there was a key. If all the guards were as dumb as those guys, then it was no wonder Me-Mow lost to Finn. Dude must have epic strength to keep the kingdom from pretty much killing itself.

Rama's house was sparsely furnished. There was a bare table in the living room with a single chair next to it. A vase with some candy flowers was placed near the window. There was a folded up note laying there. The house was completely still. My mind went into overdrive.

Crap crap crap. He's at the castle, or away on official business or that vampire chick killed him and I'll never make first class assassin and Adrell's going to kill me in my sleep and Mel will start going out with him instead of me and...

My eye caught the note. I turned it over.

It read,

"Rama,

We're Going to Assassinate You.

G.O.A"

Oh...poop.

There was a a loud wooshing sound that caused me to startle-jump in the air. I tripped over the table and ended up on my butt with a loud bang, cracking the table in half. Splinters of sugar flew everywhere. By the time I got to my feet, a door I hadn't seen, to the right of the front door, swung open. Inside was a sparkling clean, white bathroom, meticulously cared for. Standing in the doorway was a giant banana man with a spear. A stray piece of toilet paper was stuck to his right foot, which was made out of a popsicle stick.

We stared at each other a few seconds.

He lowered his spear at me, threating me with a razor sharp piece of rock candy.

I took a step back and, instead of reaching for the sword strapped to my back, clasped my hands together. I looked like I was going to give a respectful bow, except my middle fingers were were down and crossed together. I stared at Rama's face as held my breath, like Scorcher had taught me. I looked deep into myself, past flesh, past my organs and fleshy bits. I looked deep inside the darkness of my body and found a single flame. A little fire inside me. I willed it to sputter, to flicker a tiny amount. My inner flame dimmed and kicked up some smoke.

The captain took a deep breath in order to yell at me. Something cliche like surrendering or paying with my blood. I extended my hands towards him and pulled that cloud of smoke out. The gray blast hit the banana in mid-inhale. He immediately began to cough and wheeze as I pulled my blade and leapt up in the air. Thankfully the ceiling seemed made for the guard, leaving my shorter form enough room to get the height I needed. With the added force of a good leap, I ought to have been able to slice him right in two. I came down with a two handed vertical swing.

My blade clashed with the shaft of his spear with a crack. The impact vibrated its way up my arms, causing them to numb. Rama had caught his breath much faster then I thought he would've. He rose one popsicle leg and kicked me in the chest. The force of his blow threw me back a step, which he then followed up with a jab of his spear. I parried the spear away but was too far from him to follow up. His weapon was about double the length of mine and he had a few feet of height over me too. His reach and strength would let him keep me away with easy thrusts, while I was wearing myself out just trying to stay alive. It was time to switch it up.

He swung his spear in an arc at my midsection. I flipped backwards, tucking my body while reaching for my hidden weapons. I flung three throwing blades at Rama when I landed. The knives tumbled through the air and towards his yellow face. Rama dodged to the right, deflecting one of them that got a little too close with his spear. At that same moment I sprung towards him. He saw me and moved to impale me.

There was a quick slash of blades.

His spear stabbed into the floor, barely missing me.

My sword swing had sliced off both of his wooden legs.

Rama gave a startled yelp and fell backwards, his spear falling from his hands.

I crawled over to him and pinned his arms down with my knees. I raised my sword up for the killing blow.

Finally. My ascension. I will make my family proud.

Rama's eyes bulged in fear. He was making whimpering sounds. All pretense of the brave guard had dissolved into just another living being. I had seen Scorcher kill people before. I had killed before, but it was always in a fight.

This was something different.

This was murdering a now defenseless person, someone who had dedicated his life to protecting others. My blade suddenly felt very heavy in my hands. Rama's breathing had quickened, like he was having a panic attack. I wanted to plunge my sword into him. I needed to. I couldn't face the guild having failed, like Me-Mow did. Adrell had already passed his initiation, making him a first class. If I was still second, then he would be well within his rights to expel me next time we fought.

All that paled in comparison to the look of disappointment I imagined on Mel's face.

Rama's eyes bugged out even more as I was trying to summon the will to do what needed done. His whimpering turned into a frightened yell.

Then he exploded.

The drawbridge to the Guild citadel was lowered for me as I appeared on the horizon. I crossed over the moat filled with razorgators and past a few fellow second class assassins. They looked like they wanted to ask me something, but a glare silenced them pretty quickly. I crossed the courtyard in silence, save for the squishing of my now soaked socks. Mel came around the corner. She was slightly out of breath.

She must have ran here when she heard I was on my way back.

She came to give me a hug, stopping suddenly when she saw my sorry state.

She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.

I was standing in the middle of the Guild of Assassin training courtyard, covered head to toe in banana guts. The sticky glop had congealed to me in the cold. Mel started to giggle.

Her laughter was the best sound I had ever heard. A blush started to creep its way up my cheeks. Thankfully my mask still made me look cool. She plucked a chunk of fruit from my hair.

"What happened?" She finally managed to say through the mirth.

"It got messy." I said, trying my hardest to sound mysterious and awesome

"Oh really," Her voice got a low, smoky tone that made my already exhausted body get a little weaker, "well then, lets see about cleaning you up, hmm?" She said and motioned for me to follow her with one, beckoning finger. I obeyed.

To the victor, go the spoils.

Tomorrow I would rest, give my report, and fill out graduation paperwork. The day after I would be made into a first class assassin, an honest to Grod guild-member. I would be treated like a brother to every other Guild mate, even Adrell. I would finally realize the long years of training with Scorcher and here at the Guild. I would make everyone proud of me and my accomplishments.

But tonight, I had a beautiful Nymph to care for me.

That was worth more than anything the rest of Guild could hope to give me.

Authorial Note: Hey all, I'm attempting a fanfic for the first time ever. Read, review, and tell me what you think. Cuz that would be tops.

This story skips past several years from the prologue, which will let me backfill some story stuff later. Suffice to say, Adrell is a jerky rival of Kess who will be making more of a presence next chapter. We should also be getting into some more details about the Guild. Of course, this will be dated if the show ever goes back to the Guild of Assassins from the episode "Jake vs Me-Mow." I ought to be able to get a chapter out of every three to four days depending on my work schedule.)