And now ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you the second chapter. Thanks to each of you who stopped by and said kind words about the story so far-it really means a lot to me to hear from you guys. Enjoy the chapter and check back next Tuesday for the epic conclusion. -AG
Chapter 2: Little Monsters
Arnold just stood there looking at the kids, and they stood there looking right back. Each of the three boys slowly shifted their gaze from Arnold to Helga, sizing them up like rabbits in a lion cage. Arnold didn't move, he just continued to look blankly at them like a deer in headlights. It was the Tyler (oldest by four minutes) on the end who broke the silence.
"Are you from the slum part of town like Helga too?"
Arnold opened his mouth to answer, but he had absolutely no response to that.
"Your head looks funny," Blake said.
"Did you get dropped as a baby?" Hunter said.
Arnold looked at each of them, his mouth still agape. "I…uh…"
Helga hopped off the counter and walked over to them in the living room.
"Well thanks for that Tyler, great manners there buddy," Helga said. She looked up at Arnold and cocked her mouth into a forced smile. "And these are the kids. Charming aren't they?"
"My dad says that we're the best parts of the Sneeves and the Padaki's. He says you were the test models and we're the real things," Tyler said.
"Aw that's adorable, you can't even say your family name right. And how can you argue with that logic? Now why don't you all go with Arnold over to the living room while I try to figure out what your Mom wants me to do for dinner," Helga said.
Arnold shot his eyes up to her, pleading. "Maybe we should…uh…"
"Why do we have to?" Blake said.
"Because," Helga said.
"Because why?" Blake said.
"Because I'm your elder. Don't question me," Helga said.
"But his head looks funny," Hunter said.
"And yours will too if you don't follow Arnold here," Helga said. She gave him a pat on the shoulder and whispered in his ear. "No fear. They're like sharks, they can smell it on you,"
He stared blankly back at her so she gave him a small push toward the living room. He fell forward and started walking slowly toward the recessed foyer space of the den.
"Uh, come on guys. Why don't you show me around a bit," Arnold said.
Helga snickered and went back to the kitchen. It was funny yes, but she was starting to feel bad for him. He clearly had no idea what he was doing—or what he would be in store for. They were standing on a five year old atom bomb and the timer started as soon as they walked in the door.
She leaned over the countertop and picked up the instructions for dinner, written on the back of a Whole Foods grocery list. As she expected, everything was home-grown organic and locally sourced. The amount Olga paid for one cup of rice could probably feed Hegla for a month. The menu for the evening consisted of goat cheese and whole milk mozzarella flatbread pizza (complete with hot house tomato sauce), oven baked free range chicken nuggets, and baked apples sourced from a Hillwood co-op. In true Olga fashion, nothing was prepared. Helga sighed and went to work.
The only saving grace about the whole affair was the kitchen. Like the rest of the house it was unnecessarily opulent—it looked like Bobby Flay won the lottery and had spent the spoils entirely on the Sneeves' kitchen. It took Helga half the time to do the prep, and things were baking away far sooner than she had hoped for. She was just about to set the table when a Nerf football whizzed by her head and slammed into the hood above the range.
"Jesus! What the…" she said, picking up the ball.
She walked out in the hallway, eyebrows raised, and instantly slammed herself against the wall. Tyler ran past her, full speed, holding a piece of decorative driftwood out in front of him like a lance.
"Woah! Tyler slow down!" Helga shouted.
"For the King!" Tyler screamed, running faster.
Helga stormed down the hallway after him and passed Blake in the den on the way. He was surrounded by four more footballs—these ones NFL grade replicas. He had one in his hands when his eyes shot up to Helga. She pointed the Nerf ball out at him like a sword.
"You. Ball down. Now."
Blake dropped the ball and went running through a set of double doors behind him which led to the back part of the apartment. Helga shook her head and went back down the long hallway after Tyler. She rounded the corner at the end of the hallway and stormed into Olga and Edgar's room. Tyler was jumping up and down on the imported feather bed—he had a red cape on and was triumphantly waving a wooden sword over his head.
"Get the fff…fork off that bed!" Helga said.
"I don't take orders from the evil queen!" Tyler said.
"Oh you'll see a real evil queen in a minute if you don't get down," Helga said.
"Never! You can't stop the Red Knight!" Tyler said.
"Oh I can't huh? You forget what happened last time buddy-boy? Don't make me go all wicked stepmother on you again. You know I can, and you know I will." Helga said.
Tyler stopped jumping and locked eyes with Helga, his beady brown eyes staring into her piercing blue ones. She raised one eyebrow and Tyler got off the bed.
"Darn right. Now where's Arnold?" Helga said.
Tyler raised his sword again. "We slew the dragon!"
He shot off past Helga down the hallway again.
She sighed and picked up the driftwood lying on the floor, leaning it back up against the wall. She walked out of Olga's room and headed for the massive bedroom shared by the triplets. Three large boxes of LEGOs had been tipped over and blanketed the entire floor in brightly hued plastic chaos. Hunter was in the middle of it all, tossing handfuls of plastic bricks into the sprawling pile. Arnold was halfway up a standing bookshelf on the other side of the room. He was on the fifth shelf of the floor-to-ceiling case, hanging on with one hand—his other had was stretched out to support the motherload of LEGO boxes. The gargantuan plastic tub was tilting off the edge of the shelf and Arnold was straining to keep it up.
"Oh. My. God." Helga said from the doorway.
Arnold tilted his head slightly over toward the door.
"Help."
Helga crossed the room, pushing LEGOs out of the way with her foot. She got over to him and put her hand out on the shelf.
"What the hell happened?" Helga said.
"I…I don't know. I said these were cool LEGOs and we should play with them, and then…this happened," Arnold said, straining to keep the box up.
"Rookie mistake," Helga said, looking up at the box.
It was on the top most shelf, three layers above Arnold's head, and filled to the brim with every type of brick that could be bought.
"This thing is coming down. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it," Arnold said.
"Okay okay, hold on," Helga said.
She climbed the shelf next to him, trying to get higher. Arnold stuck his leg out and braced it on the bottom shelf.
"Here, step on my leg and try to get to the edge,"
Helga nodded and shimmied up. Arnold grunted with her whole weight on his thigh, but Helga finally managed to get her hands on the box.
"Okay, now if we both push on it at the same time, we should be good. Ready?" Helga said.
Arnold nodded.
"Okay. One, two…
"That looks really high," Blake said.
Arnold and Helga both turned their heads at the same time. Hunter, Blake, and Tyler were all standing in the doorway, looking up at them with devilish smiles.
"Looks heavy too," Hunter said.
"Real heavy." Tyler said.
They all grinned in unison.
"Uh, guys? Just wait for us okay? We'll be down in a second," Arnold said.
The triplets looked at each other and grinned wider.
"We can help," Tyler said.
They slowly looked up at the box and then back down at the base of the shelf. Helga's stomach dropped.
"No. Uh-uh. You three…"
"Earthquake!" Tyler said.
All three kids rushed forward, ramming into Arnold's legs at full speed. He yelped and shot both his hands out to try to steady himself but he only grabbed air. Helga scrambled to grab the edge of the LEGO box but it was too late. Arnold tripped backward and fell down on the floor, Helga right behind him. Flat on her back, she looked back up and saw, almost in slow motion, the box rotate on the edge of the shelf and tumble down to the carpet below. It landed on its side, the top ripping open letting loose a biblical flood of LEGOs. Plastic bricks gushed around them, covering both Arnold and Helga up to their waists. The triplets yelled and ran out to the living room.
"I know they're only five, but I hate your nephews," Arnold said.
"Welcome to the club," Helga said.
She stood up, pushing an avalanche of bricks off her lap. She walked over to the edge of the room.
"Watch this," she said.
Helga stuck her head out the door and yelled down the hallway. "Oh boys! If you help us clean this room up, I'll order pizza and ice cream for dinner!"
There was a pause.
"With non-vegan cheese and real dairy," She added.
There was an instant stampede of tiny fluttering feet running down the hallway. The three kids shot into the room and started throwing LEGOs back in the bins. Arnold and Helga put them back on the shelves as soon as they were full, and in an alarmingly short time the room was spotless. The triplets ran back out towards the kitchen, high fiving each other over excited whispers about pizza. Real pizza.
Arnold looked around a moment, stunned by the LEGO free floor.
"That…that was amazing. That took them like, ten minutes!"
"It's the tiny hands and youthful energy. I think maybe Nike has the right idea," Helga said dryly.
Arnold rolled his eyes. "That's horrible,"
"Come on," Helga said, walking in the hallway. "We won the battle but there's a war on, remember?"
They reached the dining room and found all three boys at the table, forks in hand. Arnold plopped down on the other side of the table and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. Helga smirked and went into the kitchen. He was already wearing down and dinner was getting started. This was going to be a long night.
She pulled out three plates of organic chicken nuggets and skim mozzarella flatbread from the oven. Walking slowly back into the dining room, she sat down at the head of the table and slid the three plates over to the triplets.
"Hey! This isn't real pizza!" Hunter yelled.
"No. No it's not," Helga said.
"But you said if we helped you clean we'd get real pizza!" Blake whined.
"Let me tell you something about Aunt Helga,"
She leaned over the table, looking at each of the triplets.
"Aunt Helga lies."
They locked eyes, each daring the other to make a move. Tyler crossed his arms.
"Well I'm not eating this,"
Helga shook her head. "Oh yes you are,"
"No. I'm not," Tyler said.
Helga twitched her mouth to the side. "Look, you little sh…"
"Hey I've got an idea!" Arnold said, glancing at Helga harshly. "You guys like movies right?"
The triplets all nodded slowly, cautious, calculating. They were intrigued, but also now on high alert for more teenage trickery.
"Okay, well, after you get done eating we'll go put one on. But, only one of you gets to choose what we watch. First person to guess who I am wins. Okay?"
They all nodded. Helga sat back down next to Arnold. She had no idea where he was going with this, but giving the triplets free reign of movie choice was pure madness. She hoped he hadn't cracked yet, they weren't even three hours in. Arnold popped the collar on his shirt and curled a finger under his chin. He hunched over and leaned toward Helga.
"Princess! I cannot allow you to continue fraternizing with that…street rat!" Arnold said.
Helga just stared at him, mouth open—he really had cracked. He leaned in closer to the table.
"I said, how can you love that street rat?!"
He dropped his voice. "Come on Helga, play along,"
Then it dawned on her what he was getting at. She raised her hand to her forehead.
"Oh you evil wizard! When my father the sultan finds out about this…"
"Ooh! Ooh! It's The Lion King!" Blake shouted.
"It's not The Lion King you moron, it's Aladdin. It is Aladdin right?" Tyler said.
Arnold nodded. "Yep, looks like you win Tyler,"
The other two boys groaned.
"You always win!" Hunter said.
"No fair!" Blake chimed in.
"Too bad, I won. And that means I get to choose. And I pick…Aladdin!"
The plates were cleared in a matter of seconds and all three boys rushed over to the seventy inch flat screen in the corner of the living room. Within seconds, Arnold and Helga both heard the wonderfully occupying sound of Arabian Nights blasting through the Bose 7.1 surround sound system.
"Oh thank God for the Disney cooperation. That was a pretty slick move Football Head, I'm impressed," Helga said.
"Thanks. I saw Suzy do it once with Oscar Jr, and it worked great then too. Can't beat the power of suggestion," Arnold said, leaning back in his chair.
"Truth. Well come on, let's get the kitchen cleaned while Robin Williams takes the night shift for us," Hegla said.
"Oh man. Let me sit here just a bit longer…" Arnold said, throwing his arm over his face.
"Nope, come on. You can sit when you're dead. We've only got about thirty-five minutes of sweet Disney manufactured distraction before they start going ape shit again,"
Arnold looked up at Helga. "That's not even half the movie!"
He put his head down on the table. "Ugh! How can they have this much energy. This isn't possible!"
"We were like that once too you know,"
Arnold stood up slowly, rubbing his back. "I was never like that,"
Arnold followed Helga into the kitchen and the two started cleaning up the politically correct organic and fair trade dinner. As per Helga's prediction, just about the time Aladdin was bargaining with Genie for the creation of Prince Ali (fabulous he, Ali Abagwah), trouble started brewing in the living room. Helga sighed and walked toward the living room. She grabbed Arnold's shirt sleeve dragging him away from the sink.
"But I'm still…"
"Don't care. Come on,"
"But…the dishes,"
"Nope,"
"Please?"
She shook her head. They both walked into the living room to find Tyler bashing Hunter and Blake over the head with the dual link controlled, HD wireless omni-remote.
"He started it!" Blake shouted.
"Nuh-uh!" Tyler shouted back.
"Ow! Stop it!" Hunter yelled, adding to the fray.
"Hey! Shut it! I don't care who started it. Movie time's over anyway—time to get you guys into a bath and off to bed," Helga said.
The three groaned in unison.
"Don't…start with me!" she snapped back.
She turned to Arnold. "Alright, what are you waiting for. Get them into the tub,"
Arnold's mouth dropped open. "Wha…wait, you're not helping?"
"All you,"
"Why?!"
She walked slowly back to the kitchen and popped open the fridge, grabbing another can of Coke.
"Well you know, they're all boys, you're a boy. You seem more suited to the job I guess, I don't know. Go do…manly bonding or something," she said, twirling her hand.
Hegla plopped down on a barstool and put her feet up on the kitchen counter. Arnold followed her out of the living room, leaning into the kitchen.
"Oh that's bullshit. You just don't want to deal with this…mess. Cause that's what it's going to be! A watery mess," Arnold whined.
She shrugged. "Guilty,"
Arnold sighed. "Fine. But this means you have to put them to bed,"
"Deal," Helga said
Arnold turned back to the living room and sighed. "Okay guys…let's go,"
Helga couldn't help but laugh—he sounded like he was being ordered to six years hard labor. She watched him disappear down the hall with the triplets leading the way.
It had been a hell of a night so far, and it was only getting longer. Arnold was holding up a lot better than she expected him to—the Sneeve kids definitely knew how to weed out the weak and feeble minded. She would have put money on him loosing it after the LEGO incident, but he just kept on rolling with the punches. Sure, he was getting visibly more annoyed at this point, but she still had to give him mad props for sticking it out. It was just like the Arnold she knew and loved, and she was damn happy she had him here tonight. The added bonus, was that he was a hell of a backup sitter. All she had to do now was deal with the kitchen and then dive into the heavenly soft imported leather couch for some much needed rest.
Chapter 3: 7/2/13