I need to explore, I introduced her in Angel and she had a mention in Truth and she has a part to play in the future, so I'm playing with her a bit. Indulge me.....
I only wanted a blessing made
Now I've been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You're no immortal
I won't let them
Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man
Katie sighs and takes another swipe at the already clean counter. Ellen's new bar may be dark and dingy, the type of place that hunters like, but she keeps it clean, she keeps the fights off the premises and even in this little town by the sea that is off the beaten track, she gets her share of custom, a cash only policy because so many hunters skip out on tabs and use fake credit cards. Katie has learnt a lot in her month here about the lives of these shady people. Lives of tragedy or breeding, usually both and in a way it is heartbreaking. It is also terrifying because hunters are ruthless, they see in black and white, good and evil, us and them.
She does not know where she fits into their world, so she keeps quiet, keeps her eyes averted when she does not need to look at them, keeps her mouth shut and her ears open. Ellen asks, sometimes, what she remembers from her time as a vessel, but Katie does not like to talk about it, talk about what little she does remember, not with Ellen, who cannot possibly understand. She does talk about it with Sam though, on occasion, he still calls most days, to check up on her, to make sure that she is safe and Ellen is safe and some nights the calls only last for a moment and others the calls can last for hours. She has not spoken about her life before all of this happened to her, the life that she should be desperate to get back to, has worked hard to make sure that they think that, but does not want to, will not talk about her reasons, even though she has them.
In fact, she is closed lipped about a great many things, which is something else that upsets Ellen, because how can Katie expect the hunters to trust her at all if she never opens her mouth and never looks at them, if she shies away from everyone and everything. What Ellen does not understand is that Katie does not want them to trust her, she just wants to be left alone.
Still, Sam calls, and Ellen pushes and Katie is beginning to realise that this is her life now. A dingy bar, coarse men and hard women, holy water in beer and rock salt in shot guns under the counter, Latin exorcisms that are learnt in the dead of night and more awareness of the evil in the world than she had ever wanted to know, despite the fact that she was already aware of the evils that could be inflicted by the hand of man, evils done by the will of angels. She has to learn, because she has been told that sooner or later she will have to make her own way in the world once more, will have to protect herself, cannot be coddled forever.
She takes another swipe at the bar, looks up as she feels the air move and hears the rush of wings. A man is stood before her, a man who is not a man, his brown eyes cold, there is no soul there and she freezes. This is an angel, though why he is here and what he wants she cannot fathom.
"Be not afraid, Katherine," he tells her and she shudders, "I ask only that you give this to Castiel when he comes." A long, heavy package is placed before her and as quickly as he came, the stranger is gone and she is left to regard the package and his words with the suspicion of one deceived too many times. She cannot throw it out, does not throw it out, places it in the back of her wardrobe in her room and does not speak of it, not even to Sam when he calls an hour later.
SPN
Dean has gone into the gas station to pay for refuelling his car and Sam is sat in the front, busy talking quietly on his cell phone, talking to Katie. Katie who lives while his sister had to die so that Castiel could be saved and he spares a moment to dwell on the unfairness of that. Something else that he has lost while Sam, at least, seems to have gained something. As much as he wants to, however, he cannot lift the blame for it from himself and place it squarely on that girls shoulders because he is at least partly responsible for everything that has happened, so he cannot blame her, does not blame her, but does resent the fact that she survived while Seraphiel had to die and Castiel hates himself for wanting to blame her.
He has plenty of time to dwell on that sort of thought during the long car rides and even longer nights. Even though he has told Dean about the torture, he still has not dealt with the emotions involved in it. Castiel hates this, what he is becoming now, this creature that is neither human nor angel. Human emotions, but none of their needs, an angel's grace, but no ability to use it, to draw on it as he wants to, as he needs to and he feels like a lead weight around the necks of the Winchesters.
Castiel is fingering the scars, fresh, red, angry, that crisscross his abdomen as he thinks and he has a great deal to think about. His shattered grace, his torture, which he tries so hard not to think about, but it always comes to the fore. Other things too, like Katie, Seraphiel, Lucifer's sword, his position with the men he is travelling with, because he is not one of them, not a Winchester, and then there is Sandalphon.
Sandalphon, an archangel, one of a pair of archangels, usually the one to take messages too God, not deliver them. He has to wonder at the former prophet's reasoning in all of this, in telling them that Zachariah is on his way. Wonders which side of the fence that the archangel falls on, whether he wants both Heaven and Hell to lose, because Dean wants things back the way that they were, no Hell, no Paradise, just Humanity and Castiel does not know what he wants is clear that the archangel is playing a game, however, and Castiel does not like it, does not know the rules that he is expected to play by.
Somehow he knows that it is his fault that Sandalphon found them, and thus that the garrison found them. He suspects that while he was talking to Dean, was shouting and raging and crying at Dean, he may have let some of his thoughts and words travel a little further, may have broadcast some of his anguish inadvertently. Revealed their location because he cannot control that which was once his to command.
Perhaps the worst part of all of this, though, worse even than being the reason they were discovered, is the fact that Dean knows. He knows how broken the angel is because in a moment of weakness he told him. Told him while he was busy pouring his soul out, taking all of his worries and fear and placing them quite firmly on Dean's shoulders, Dean who already has far too many cares anyway and he feels guilty for adding to them. Even though Castiel knows that Dean has enough to worry about without taking him into account on top of that, he is also aware, painfully so, that he does. Does not say anything, but Castiel knows by the way that his eyes will flicker up to the rearview mirror a little more frequently than they used to, so that he can check on him, the concerned glances when they stop. He does not need to say anything, because Castiel knows that is not his way, knows that he shows his concern in worried green eyes and thinly veiled jokes, never words, but always silent questions and reassurances.
That it is concern, not pity, warms Castiel because pity is still apparent in the way that Sam looks at him, the way that Sam treats him even though the younger Winchester knows that something has changed, changed the day that they decided to run, just from the way that Dean behaves. The way that he shrugs off Sam's insistent questions about why Castiel cannot do more, why he cannot simply pop in and out anymore, why he cannot take care of himself. Why he cannot take himself on the run, leave them, so that the Winchesters can head to the more angel and demon populated areas and get after Lucifer, kill him before humanity is all but wiped out and does not seem to completely understand that such an act will bring the Paradise that Dean fought so hard to try and prevent.
Paradise would be just as bad, if not worse, for Sam and Dean anyway. In Paradise there is no pain, no fear, no suffering or sorrow or heartache, but then, there is no joy either, no love, no lust, no happiness or excitement or hope, just bliss. Over the last month Castiel has come to realise that it is not just the good things that makes humans what they are, but the bad as well, that to force them to live in perpetual bliss would be to take from them their free will, that is what had set them apart from the angels in his Father's eyes, and he knows, now, that this is simply a more subtle way of finishing what Lucifer started.
What terrifies him, though, is that the higher angels, the Seraphim and Cherubim, Thrones and Dominions, Virtues and Powers, all seem to be stood by watching, while Zachariah and those under him allow Lucifer to walk free and bring fire and destruction to the world. There has been no sign of them, no sign of his Father and Zachariah's callous dismissal of Him rings as a constant in Castiel's ears. If his Father is gone, or just seemingly content to let the end of the world come, then to his mind this means that they are going up against is His will, because if He has chosen not to intervene, then who are they to try? Such thoughts will not translate well to Sam and Dean, so Castiel keeps them to himself, fears that he truly has lost his faith and cannot tell Sam and Dean that either, because angels cannot lose their faith, should not, it is what makes them what they are.
You want to know why it seems the passion's died?
We've all been living this lie
You want to know why my will's been fortified?
You've made me hunger again
Good luck sleeping tonight
Reviews are little Castiels that fly above our heads and mini Deans under the bed. A small Sam in hand and a tiny John by the chair, a review that can show how much you care.
Artemis