Pit's revenge
BOOM.
The doors of the dining room opened noisily and Pit appeared in the threshold. Strangely, he was smiling.
The world existed no more for him. He sat in the children table and ate his breakfast without any trouble, like not noticing the kids that were playing around him nor the smashers that laughed at him. When he was finished, he stood up and went to Peach.
"Is there anything I can do for you, Princecus?"
Zelda, by Peach's side, couldn't help laughing.
"Oh, thank you, Pit! You are so nice! But don't do anything. Go play with the other kids, I'll take care of everything, darling."
"Ok," said Pit with a childish, cute smile. Zelda hadn't stopped laughing when he went out of the room.
*
"Hey, Peach's little baby! Come here!" ordered Meta Knight. He was with Ganandorf, Bowser and other 'baddies'.
Excellent. The fight is on.
"Can I be of any help?" asked Pit in a soft voice.
"We're thirsty. Get us some drinks."
"Ok. Be right back!"
Pit returned with a lot of sodas.
"Guys, you're mean. I mean, you're really mean. Everybody must respect you!"
"They do."
"Really? So they'll stop calling you 'losers' or 'unpopular' or…?"
Meta Knight flew toward Pit and grabbed him by the scarf.
"What did you say?"
"I asked if Kirby and the others will stop calling you…"
"Shut up!" Meta Knight shouted and freed Pit. "Did you hear that?" he asked his mates, "they're doing it again!"
All of them frowned and grumbled and walked out, looking for the 'heroes'.
Stage one: done.
*
Pit walked around the house until he found Marth. He was in the den.
"Oh, hi, Prince Martheus! How cool you're here!"
The Prince looked at him.
"Irasshaimase," he said without conviction.
"I was wondering if— You have a dictionary, don't you? Somebody told me that you were learning English. Is that true?" asked Pit in a low voice.
"It is."
"I want to improve my English too. So… can I borrow your dictionary? They—I mean, the other Smashers—laugh at me because of my vocabulary and they tell me words that confuse me!"
"Here. Take it."
"Thanks! You're so homo!"
"Gomen nasai? Excuse me?" Marth stared at him really surprised.
"Homo? Oh, Link and Ike told me it means 'polite' or 'kind', if I'm not mistaken. They always say 'Marth's homo when he's with Roy, Marth's homo because he likes to share room with Roy' and things like that. They really admire you! And we still have a lot to learn, don't we?" Pit said, smiling.
Marth stood up, clearly upset.
"You're still too young," he said, slapping slightly Pit's head. "And don't use 'homo' ever again, onegai shimasu," he walked out the door grabbing the sword hilt of his Falchion.
I won't, I promise. Stage two: done.
*
The next day Pit woke up before Peach and patiently waited for her. As soon as she opened his door (she was about to pick her attire for that day), he jumped over her.
"PEAAAAACH!" he shouted, and his face turned like this: X3 "YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY!"
"Eh… thanks, dear…" Peach said, confused and scared.
"And guess what: you'll look even more beautiful. If — if you want to," Pit blushed. "Do you remember? Today's my first training battle and… I'd really like you to cheer me at the brawl."
"That… would be possible, yes…"
"But what's a cheerleader without her outfit?"
"Er…"
Pit ran to his dresser and took out what looked like an awful light green blanket.
"I made it for you," he said in a soft voice and gave her the thing. It was a two-pieces outfit: a blouse and a skirt. The blouse itself was horrible: in the front, it said in purple "Go Pit!" and in the back, it said "Beach".
"Darling… there is a little mistake…"
Pit looked at her with puppy eyes.
"Is there something wrong? I wanted to do it by myself! Oh, why do I always make mistakes? I can't do anything right…"
"Oh, Pit! Don't cry, my child! Everything's alright! I mean, it's perfect! I'll wear it for your brawl, I promise."
"Reeeeeeaaaaally? Try it on! My brawl's right after breakfast… I can help you to make up! Hurry up! We don't want to be late, right?"
She sighed.
"Ok, Pit. I'll be right back," she said and entered the bathroom.
*
Pit was smiling when he entered the dining room followed by Peach—or Beach, as her blouse said. Most of the Smashers laughed… the ones that could do it, because some, like Link, Ike and Kirby, were so wounded that even a simple smile caused them pain.
"What the hell are you looking at?!" Peach's face turned red but no one noticed because it was entirely covered with white powder. The fake blush on her cheeks made her look like a clown and the blue eyeshadow that Pit chose for her made her eyes seem like an alien's.
"You look… nice… today…" said Mario, insecure.
She rolled her eyes and then gave everyone a threatening look. They all shut up immediately.
"I don't like clowns," whispered Lucas, scared. "When will she leave?"
*
Pit was waiting for Fox—Mr. Game and Watch's brawl to conclude sitting on a chair outside the stage. Zero Suit Samus was with him, still training.
"You're very agile!" he said and she ignored him. "You move really fast when you don't have your Power Suit on. And you're still very strong! You defeat everyone that gets in you way. You're so brave… and beautiful," he sighed, "that's why everyone likes you, because you're beautiful, strong, but, however, gentle. You have such a big heart! You help people with their tasks and you take care about Pikachu and other Pokémons and— and you forgive, you forgive Snake, for example! He always spies you when you're at the shower and you still go out with him. When I grow up, I want to be like you."
Samus seemed in shock for a second.
"What?"
"Yes, it might sound crazy, but I like you so much that…"
"Snake what?"
"He…" Pit stepped back. " I — I didn't say anything about Snake…"
"God, he will see!" she said to herself. "I hope my next battle's vs. him."
"It is," informed Pit, smiling and entering the stage, because his brawl was next. Stage three: done.
*
As soon as the brawl begun, Pit flew to avoid Luigi's hits. Pit threw arrows form the sky which hurt more than one would've thought—because they were more than simple light arrows. Pit also used his bow as blades to hit Luigi, but most of the help came from the sky… actually, form the Party Balls. The items he got finally made his opponent flew out of the stage, giving him his first victory. However, that wasn't the coolest part, but having Beach in an awful outfit spelling his name as she jumped and danced. And he was sure that she'd be on the Internet before she could say "Toad".
"That was really good, sweetie!" she said when Pit came out of the stage. "And here you go!" she gave him a lollypop, "A lil' snack for the winner before yummi-time! And talking about that, I have to rush to the kitchen! Someone has to make lunch, right?"
"Oh, Princecus!" he called, "May I go with you? I haven't done anything for you since I arrived…"
Peach's eyes went wide as her smile did.
"Oh, you're the cutest child ever! Let's go! The Brawl needs us!"
You can't imagine how much.
*
The kitchen was bigger than what he had imagined, but that was just even better. Captain Falcon, Wolf and Sonic were helping Peach—because it was their turn, otherwise, they would've died first—and with Pit just wandering around, his wings getting in the way and feathers floating all over the place, their nerves seemed to burst out. They glared at Peach anytime they could and she put on all of her efforts not to feel fear.
"Er — Pit, darling — could you — I mean, what a great job you've done! Why don't you go to the dining room and wait for me there, with your friends? Jigglypuff must be missing you by now, uh?"
Pit ignored her as he took something out of an oven.
"Ta dah! This is my gift for you, Princecus."
Peach looked at the thing with… well… with disbelief.
"You — you didn't have to…"
"I'm just doing my duty. Take it! I made it with your favorite ingredients: mushroom, mushroom and… er… mushroom. Good for the… hair?"
"…Yeah, right. Thanks for this delicious… uhm… pizza!"
"No… pie."
"Right, pie. Thank you! Now, go!"
She pushed him out of the kitchen and sighed.
"But don't eat it now! It's a dessert. After the meal" Pit said from outside. Peach sighed again hearing his mates laughing their lungs out.
*
There was a bright light in the night that came from outside in the yard.
"Pit… what are you doing?" Peach asked as she went to the source of the light. The angel was just there, sitting in front of a bonfire.
"I'm burning… cardboard."
"Cardboard? Where'd you get that cardboard, honey?" she asked, afraid of the answer.
"From boxes, duh."
BOOM, the sound came from inside the house.
"Thus I burned all these cardboard boxes just as you told me, Princecus" Pit suddenly yelled.
"So that's where my boxes are," a deep, strange voice said to Peach's ears, freezing her. "Thanks, Princess. Thanks a lot."
Snake continued his way as he glared at Peach. When he disappeared, Power Suit Samus passed by with her cannon ready to blast.
"Well… Now he's mad at me. I feel sick," Peach said, wondering if it was because of the fear that Snake's rage caused her or because of Pit's pizza-pie.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Pit begged, "I didn't mean to do it! Your Highnecus Zelda threatened me and I didn't know what to do…!"
"Pit, honey! Calm down! Ok, breathe slowly! Don't worry anymore, Pit, everything's ok, my child. Don't worry. We will be fine. Just… stay away from Zelda," Peach scowled. "Now, Pit, I know it's Friday but you better go to bed, my child. So hurry up! I'll catch you up later."
"Okay," Pit singed and skipped away.
*
Pit didn't care about being the last to arrive at the meals. He actually cared about it. He didn't want to be part of that wild battle for food, he just wanted to get to the table unharmed. The weird thing was that almost nobody shared his mind. So there he was, the angel, walking toward the dining room beside the pig.
Wait! Pig?! Where did this pig come from?
"Oh, Aw! There you are! Come here, you naughty piggy!" Toon Link said, appearing from the end of the corridor.
"Hello."
"Hi!" the child smiled. "Seems like he likes you."
"Really? How cool."
"I know. Pigs don't usually like people. But I like them, and they like me."
Pit smiled. "Yes, pigs are great. I wish I had one."
Toon Link smirked. "I have dozens of them. But not here. I just brought Aw. He's my best friend."
"I can see that. Oh! You're just like the Pokémon Trainer. He has this pig-Pokémon, you know which one—"
"He has a pig Pokémon?!"
"Well, that's what people say, but I haven't seen him. They say he loves him more than he loves Pikachu."
"Wow… Pig Pokémon… must be great…"
As Toon Link was daydreaming, Pit smiled. "See you later. I'm having breakfast now."
"No, wait! Do you know where that Pokémon is?"
"Hum. I don't know. Maybe in a Pokéball, I guess…"
"Right. Thanks! See you!" Toon Link shouted and ran away after Aw.
*
"And then—you won't believe this!—as if that hadn't been ridiculous enough, she started to sing and dance and— " Zelda didn't finish what she was saying because she burst out laughing. Peach rolled her eyes.
"So… did you say you saw it on YouTube?" she asked.
"Not actually," Zelda calmed down, "Link told me about it. Oh, he sent me the link! Come, we'll see the video on my PC…"
"I don't really have the time—"
"Don't be killjoy. You need to have fun sometimes! And, isn't it great when you laugh at others? I mean, you don't even know this girl. She might be someone from Sega or Konami, so who cares?!" Zelda take Peach with her in her way to her room. When they got there, she turned on the PC and search for the online video. "Here, come."
Peach got close reluctantly, and she frowned as soon as she saw the image and the nickname of the person who had submitted the video ("SpeedIsMyGame007").
Zelda too recognized Peach as the cheerleader-clown.
"Er…"
Peach said nothing and walked out of the room.
*
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! STOP IT!"
Everyone in the house—even those ones that were in the gardens looking for some rest—heard that yell. And the ones that came after it.
"NO, YOU STOP IT, YOU MEAN — EGOIST — TREACHEROUS … POKÉBOY!"
Pit, as many other curious smashers, came to the crime scene (one of the bedrooms) just to find the Pokémon Trainer and Toon Link yelling at each other. It was a huge disaster—Pokémons everywhere, eating and destroying everything in their way. Toon Link held a bunch of Pokéballs on his arms and was on the top of a chest, pointing at the miserable Pokéboy, who seemed to be the owner of the room.
"You tell me where that Pig-Pokémon is right now or I'll find it out myself!" the child threatened.
"I tell you I've got no Pig-Pokémon! I don't even have all of my Pokémons here! I don't know where you got that idea!"
"Don't lie to me or I'll tell Peach! I know you have a Pig-Pokémon! You cannot have a Pig-Pokémon! Nobody can have a pig but me!" he shouted and started to launch more Pokéballs, freeing their contents.
"STOP IT! STOOOOOP IT!" the boy begged.
The audience seemed to enjoy the scene.
Whoa, this turned out better than I could've imagined! So I might say: Stage… uh… insert next number here: done!
*
Pit didn't like people shouting, therefore he just went to the living room. Nobody was there but Zelda.
"They're quite annoying, aren't they?" Pit said.
"Sort of. As it becomes a habit, you learn to ignore them," she said not giving him a single look. "Have you seen Link, Peach's baby?"
"Oh, is that my nickname?" Pit asked, with fake surprise. "How cute. I always wanted a mommy".
"Psh… have you seen Link?"
"Of course. He's with Peach." Pit made a pause. "They make a nice couple, don't you think? She, so pretty; he, so manly…"
"No waaaay!" She immediately added, "Pretty? She? Ha, ha."
"She is! Everybody says that! Links says that! I bet he has a crush on her. He's always looking at her, asking if he can help her with something and so on. Haven't you noticed? His eyes sparkle when she passes by."
"Sure," Zelda was a total skeptic.
"Then, don't believe me. But she is beautiful. And that's because she takes care of his body, mind and soul. Mainly of his body."
"Really? As if she had the time…"
"She has it. At night. She makes this — this kind of ritual or something, when she covers her face with this special eggplant cream and then when she takes a shower she uses some honey, I guess it's for her hair… Hum. It's really complicated… Only she can do it. And therefore only she can look so great."
Zelda blinked.
"Ok, you got me. I'll stop calling you 'Peach's baby' if you give me some of those products or… substances… she uses. But tonight."
"If you really want them, I'll get them for you. I don't ask anything in reward."
The princess smiled.
"Okay. See you, kid."
*
Squash. Splagh. Dagh.
The Ice Climbers appeared in the kitchen while Pit was mashing some boiled eggplants. He had gathered all of his energy to overcome what he was doing and yet he was about to faint (again). But as soon as he saw the kids, he smiled and said hi.
"Hi," they answered, with a curious look.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine. Are those eggplants?"
"Yes."
"For supper?"
Pit hesitated.
"Not really. They're for Zelda. But, you know? Some of them are left. I don't need them. Why don't you get them if you want to? They're on the cupboard."
Nana and Popo looked at each other with an evil smile.
"Are you sure?" they sang with a scary tone.
"Go ahead," the angel asked and walked out of the kitchen with the mashed eggplants in a bowl. He could listen to the kids climbing to the cupboard before he passed out (again).
*
"No, no! Don't move! We're almost there!" Pit whispered. Zelda sighed, regretting that she had asked him to do it. "Yep, we're done. Ta-dah!"
"Don't sing anything 'till I…" Zelda froze. Yes, she had just looked at herself in the mirror. Though, that wasn't necessary. Soon the substances on her hair began to fall over her clothes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!DAMNYOUYOULITTLEPIECEOF…!"
A flash, followed by the doubtless sound of an angel flying away.
*
The morning came along with what looked like a new corridor wallpaper, but that was actually a covering of Zelda's embarrassing pictures. The princess knew that nobody woke up early on Saturdays, and for her luck, that day was the exception. Since the war between Snake and Samus was not over yet, the explosions had awakened everybody on the house. Plus, the Ice Climbers had gone wild because of the eggplants (it was too much, even for them), and they were destroying the entire house. The Pokémons hadn't got back to their Pokéballs and the Pokéboy seemed to have disappeared. Toon Link wandered around with an evil look, holding his pig Aw and attacking any suspicious individual that might have had a pig hidden under his garment (specially capes). Sonic ran around the house trying to escape from Peach's rage and in his rush he had left open Crazy Hand's room door.
At the beginning, Zelda thought that with all that mess nobody would have noticed her pictures, but she knew she was wrong as soon as she heard Ness' giggles on her back.
"YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT YOUR PLACES AT OUR TABLE, PAIR OF NAUGHTY KIDS! YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR THREE WEEKS! AND YOU, MISTER LINK, BETTER CONTROL YOUR TOON SELF! NO EXCUSES! A BROKEN ARM HAS NEVER STOPPED YOU WHEN IT IS ABOUT FIGHTING! AND YOU, SONIC, YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! I'LL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL LEARN TO RESPECT PEOPLE'S PRIVACY! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEBODY CATCH CRAZY HAND!"
"Oh, there you are!" Zelda shouted as she saw Peach approaching, yelling at everyone. "Now, tell me where that fallen angel is…!"
"WHICH FALLEN ANGEL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM? I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY BUSY WATCHING YOUTUBE AND PLAYING WITH FOOD!"
"Don't talk to me like that! You were the one in first place that told me not to do anything here!"
"YEAH, WHEN THERE WERE JUST 15 OF US! NOW I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING HERE, AND YOU JUST CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AND THE WAY YOU CAN BOTHER PEOPLE AROUND!"
"WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AS FAKE AS YOU, PRETENDING TO BE EVERYBODY'S MOM WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE NOT SLEPT WITH IS MARIO!"
"EXCUSE ME?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS, YOU THE OLD LADY THAT BEHAVES LIKE A TEENAGER? C'MON! THAT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED YET DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR TWENTIES!"
At one inch of scratching each other, the ladies were stopped by the few sane men remaining. Marth took Zelda to her room and Luigi tried to calm Peach down (since Mario didn't seemed to be caring about her… anymore).
The Mushroom Princess sat on a chair and sighed. Pit entered the room, smiling.
"What's going on, Princecus? You seem tired and… kinda sad".
"Oh, Pit… Don't worry. I'm a bit tired, yes. It's hard to take care of so many brawlers. It wasn't that difficult in Melee…"
"Aw, Princecus… Can I help you in some way?"
Peach smiled at the winged boy. She took a deep breath and stood up.
"I guess it would be better for you to go and play outside with the kids while I fix this mess," she said, petting him.
"No, Princeus! Let me help you… Oh! I know how to fix this faster!" and he flied away before Peach could stop him. She didn't have to wait too much to see what the angel had in mind.
"Pit? Why are you carrying that Smash Ball?"
"I'm going to show you, Your Highnecus!"
"But it is about fixing the mess, not making it worse!"
"No, I'll show you!"
Pit broke the Smash Ball with his blades. He started to shine and every person watching the scene suddenly trembled slightly at the sight of an imposing woman, like a terrific—or horrible—hallucination.
"ALL TROOPS, MOVE OUT!"
The voice sounded all around the Mansion as a hundred tiny Centurions rushed to follow their Captain's orders. If only his orders were more specific…
"See? They're going to help us clean up this mess!" Pit said with a huge smile.
The centurions made sure that they didn't leave before breaking something each one of them.
Silence in the room. The present smashers stealthily disappeared as they saw the sign of doom: a vein in Peach's Face.
"That's it," the princess whispered. "That's it."
Pit grinned in the inside, but raised his eyebrows naïvely in the outside.
"What?"
"THAT'S IT!" Peach finally exploded. "YOU SHOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DESTRUCTION AND HELP! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO START TO BEHAVE LIKE A GROWN-UP BOY! YOU'RE ALMOST FIFTEEN!"
"But that means I'm only fourteen!"
"THE POINT IS THAT YOU'RE NOT A CHILD ANYMORE! YOU'RE GONNA SIT IN THE ADULTS TABLE, YOU'RE GONNA SHARE MARTH'S ROOM AND YOUR GONNA HAVE TASKS ASSIGNED AS ANY OTHER SMASHER, DID YOU LISTEN, YOUNG MAN?"
Pit frowned, mentally rejoicing.
"Well, that's okay! Whatever!" He walked away and slammed the door as he exited to the porch.
*
Everything turned out as expected. Or almost everything. Pit sighed in relief, looking to the sky, admiring the smooth clouds.
"So, she finally blew up, right?" A soft voice asked from behind a bush. The Pokémon Trainer jumped out and sat beside Pit.
"Yeah…"
"It was a matter of time."
"I guess. Otherwise… it would've been me the one exploding."
The kids smiled.
"It was a wise plan, though," the Pokéboy said. "I couldn't have done something like that! I just used my Pokémons to bully my bullies till they stopped bullying me. This was dangerous… and kinda destructive too."
Pit tilted his head to one side. "It was worth it."