"I want to press 'wipe' this time," Raj Koothrappali argued.
"It's my turn," Howard Wolowitz insisted.
In the passenger section of the timemobile, the two scientists-turned-time-travelers hit each other like girls.
As hands flapped wildly, a passenger in a military uniform shouted, "Hey!" The two sat sharply at attention, shoulders up.
"Will you two stop it?" the military man snapped. "Neither one of you is doing it. No, Sheldon, not you either."
"I don't care," Sheldon Cooper muttered.
Meekly, Leonard Hofstadter raised his hand. "Can I?"
"No, Leonard. Not you either."
"A-a-aw!" a dejected Leonard "aaw"-ed as he visibly deflated.
As all four guys watched, Colonel Jack O'Neill held up the time travel gizmo known as the Restart Device.
"I've got the remote," he said.
Aboard the timemobile, Daniel Jackson reflected on their so-called lives as "time travel fixer-uppers" (as Jack called them). Their official title was Protectors of the Prime Universe. Which sounded kind of like Guardians of the Galaxy.
Were they anything like the Guardians? Well, they didn't have an armed racoon on their team or a talking tree. Though they had met such unusual beings. (Some in Middle-Earth, where the Joker had once sent Batman to join Sam and Frodo on their quest.) The team had even met the Guardians of the Galaxy themselves. Which wasn't fun for Jack. He was especially annoyed at the way Groot kept repeating himself.
Plus Jack and Peter Quill had a tendency to butt heads. Literally, when the Joker took mental control of them.
But getting back to the main point. .
Daniel thought how being a Protector wasn't all bad.
Occasionally they worked with people from other worlds. Like a Bruce Wayne who lived on the Kent farm. (Rather ironic considering one of their major missions was fixing a timeline that involved Bruce Wayne.) Or a Sheldon Cooper who invented gadgets while sporting a Van Dyke. (That's a goatee without a mustache, as Sheldon himself would happily explain.) Appropriately, Jack called this Sheldon-with-a-Van-Dyke "Bearded Sheldon."
They had also worked with a Sam and Dean Winchester who had their own time travel team that included Michael Westen and Hawkman. They were kind of a backup Protectors of the Prime Universe. Relief pitchers, Jack called them. Which Dean really didn't like. As Daniel saw more than once, Jack and Dean didn't always get along so great.
It was especially bad that time Jack and Dean had a big argument while in the background Groot repeated himself loudly and frequently. The only thing that could have made that worse was if Sheldon was nearby constantly knocking on a door.
There were other missions where they met other people. Once Clark worked with Jack Bauer while the rest of the team worked with the Sliders, a group of people who traveled from world to world in a kind of make-it-up-as-you-go manner. They happily shared their expertise in dimension-hopping.
You should take time off whenever you could, they advised.
Thus, the team often employed the holodeck provided by the Q.
Then it was back to work. With the help and guidance of the Guardian of Forever, of course.
Daniel looked over at Jack. What was going through his mind at this time?
With his cap lowered over his eyes, O'Neill sat back in a passenger chair. Everyone was accounted for. Clark. Spock. Beckett. Teal'c. Carter. Daniel. The guys. Mac was off operating the timemobile.
And of course there was the good old Guardian himself.
One of the things the Guardian could do was help people experience events they had not directly witnessed.
Which O'Neill had to admit he found really annoying. It was like a TV set in your mind that you just could not turn off.
For now, it helped O'Neill see things from the perspective of a Vulcan named "Fred."
As Daniel constantly pointed out, the guy's real name was Surnak.
This was "The Case of the Bumbling Vulcan Time Traveler," as Beckett called it. Because Beckett sometimes had a weird sense of humor..
In contrast with Beckett, O'Neill called the incident "The Story of Fred."
Ah, yes. Good old Fred.
"All the dictators ruling Earth for hundreds of years? Your fault."
The one called Garth had a light red scar running along his left eye which was swollen shut in a large mass of dark purple skin. This under his wild shock of red hair.
"And Garth flunked history," Rokk said. He wore an eye patch with a stitch on his left cheek. "A guy named Sam Beckett told us all about it."
"Yeah, he took over the body of Bouncing Boy," Garth said with a chuckle.
Thanks to a telepathic link with the one called "Imra," with her puffy red cheeks and stringy blond hair, the Vulcan was able to understand the words spoken by these members of the "Legion."
The Legion was a group of underground warriors battling the Emperor and his Imperial Guard.
At the moment, Imra was less rebel-warrior and more translator.
Logically, Surnak found being able to understand the language made the situation far easier to comprehend.
Just minutes ago, the Vulcan was in his lab when he was sucked into a portal. When he emerged, he crashed into a man holding a gun. When he looked up, dazed and disoriented, he took note of a young couple and a boy. Immediately, he was sucked into another portal.
Now here he was in the 31st century. In his mind, he quickly rattled off the exact time, day and year.
He knew the exact time because of the telepathic link. And he was able to think about that time in the measurements used on this planet called "Earth."
As he crouched alongside the three Legion members, Surnak struggled to concentrate as Imra's voice explained the visions that unfolded in his mind. While laser fire flew above his head and the heads of his three new friends, Surnak got the basic story of this place called "Earth."
Or at least this version of Earth.
In the early 21st century, a "Lex Luthor" became the first Emperor of Earth. In response, Charles Xavier and Magneto organized an army that combined mutants and people known as "meteor freaks." Unfortunately, even with this army of powerful people, Professor X and Magneto were not successful in deposing Emperor Luthor.
From the reign of this "Lex Luthor" followed a long line of Emperors, some by succession or appointment, others by individual overthrow or general uprisings. In his mind, Surnak saw a series of Emperors, each one more cruel-in-face then the last. One was a female Asian Empress. (Niya? Surnak didn't quite catch the name.) There was a series of Emperor Luthors, on and off.
Of all the Emperors, Tiberius had the most fierce and cruel face. Emperor Spock simply looked sterm.
Surnak wondered. Was Earth's current Emperor a Vulcan?
As the visions vanished, Surnak thought of the greatest of all Vulcans. No doubt Surak would be ashamed of Surnak's emotional response to all this. But under the circumstances it was understandable.
And then Surnak was back in the present situation. Or future situation, as it were.
The situation had changed.
At the center of the room, a "Stargate" activated. (That was a very odd thing, a Stargate in a Time Museum. But it was a relic, this "Stargate.") Out stepped five men and one woman. At the center of the group was a tall man in black. What was that unusual red S-shaped symbol on his chest?
Whatever it was, the tall one let lasers bounce off his chest. As he did, he marched forcefully toward the Imperial Guard. Once he was upon them, he began throwing them around the room.
"Whoa," Garth said.
"Yeah," from Rokk.
Imra silently relayed her astonishment and admiration.
Once the room was still, a charcoal-haired man in sunglasses and a green cap pointed to the Vulcan.
"You. With us. Now," he said. To emphasize his point, he helped the Vulcan up.
With the apparently invincible man deflecting laser fire from a new wave of Imperial Guard, they all went through the Stargate.
Sitting next to Daniel, O'Neill continued to recall "The Story of Fred."
With their new Vulcan friend in tow, they all arrived safely at Home Base, their home away from home. Created for the team by the Q and the Ancients, Home Base had rooms that looked like parts of the Kent farm, parts of the Stargate Command base at Cheyenne Mountain, and parts of the "Enterprise."
Sometimes parts of all three in the same room.
In that crazy place, Daniel explained things to Fred, .
While Daniel spoke to Fred in Vulcanese, O'Neill talked to the others.
The colonel used his thumb to gesture to his large Jaffa friend. (Actually, ex-Jaffa friend.) As usual, O'Neill was telling Clark about some of the experiences SG-1 had been through.
"Teal'c saw some of our Earth television. Wanted to leave the base with his staff weapon. General Hammond put the kibosh on that idea."
"Your world appeared most violent, O-Neill. And what is meant by a 'kibosh?'"
"Yeah, I never heard that one either," Clark said with a slight quizzical squint. "And my dad uses some pretty weird expressions. Like 'honky dory.'"
"Explain to us a 'kibosh,' O-Neill."
Sam Beckett crossed his arms. "I'd like to know, too."
O'Neill held out his hands. "Don't you guys watch 'Seinfeld?'"
"Sorry," Clark said with a grin. "We've been busy fixing timelines."
"Should be a few minutes, sir," Carter said.
O'Neill briefly noted that Carter was working on the manual override for the special Stargate they used for time travel. Another gift from the Q and the Ancients. Funny that the technology they provided could still act up.
Also funny: if they went to a place with no Stargate, their special Stargate would appear behind them temporarily. A lot like when the gang got sent back to 1969.
Okay, enough musing. Back to the conversation.
"I hope we are successful in restoring the timeline," Teal'c said.
"We have been before," O'Neill said. He spread his hands, palms out in a kind of Alfred E. Neumann "what, me worry?" kind of way.. "Why not now?"
"With all the stuff the Joker throws at us, it gets harder," Clark said.
Carter grinned. "You know, Clark, when we were in the thirty-first century you could have just knocked out all the guards at super-speed."
Clark also grinned. "I know. But sometimes it helps to shock the enemy. A friend taught me that."
"Ah, your old buddy Lex Luthor."
"Yeah, I'd like to get back to Lex. And my parents." Clark now had a squinting sad look.
With his usual slight grin, Teal'c bowed at the waist. "You have spoken of your parents many times, Clark Kent. They seem like fine people."
"They are. Real salt of the earth," O'Neill said..
After a nod of his head toward O'Neill, Teal'c turned back to Clark. "Unlike your own idyllic existence in Smallville, my life has been far less peaceful. As you know, my own people have been enslaved by false gods."
"I know," Clark said quietly.
"I would not wish to see your parents or the people of Earth, the Tauri, enslaved by anyone."
"We're ready," Carter announced.
Sitting between Daniel and Clark, Sam Beckett also reflected on the events involving Surnak. He thought how it might help them in their current mission. It could be a confidence-builder, for one thing.
Beckett recalled that it took them several tries to stop Surnak from being sucked into that portal again..
Actually, once or twice, they were all sucked into that portal. They ended up colliding with Joe Chill and Bruce Wayne's parents.
What did they do then? They just started all over again.
Thanks to a bit of Q-technology called "the Restart Device," SG-1 had more than one chance to correct a timeline.
And it was vital that they put this timeline back to normal.
When Surnak crashed into Joe Chill, it was a crash that changed Earth's history.
Ironically, it meant the first contact between Vulcans and the people of Earth was much earlier.
But more importantly, there was no Batman. Which the Joker must have loved. Especially since it resulted in dictators ruling over Earth for hundreds of years.
Beckett noted that because of the mental link they all shared through the Guardian someone else was thinking about this same subject.
Nearby, Daniel reflected on cause and effect.
Like how Batman's absence resulted in dictators ruling Earth.
As Daniel thought about this, the Guardian helped give him understanding..
Apparently when the people of Earth had no self-made human hero to aspire to, they became more susceptible to the influence of dictators.
Funny, Daniel thought. You'd think even without Batman people would still look to Superman as an example.
But maybe there were problems there. Either people couldn't really relate to an alien or something about Batman's absence diminished Superman's influence.
Maybe Superman simply wasn't as easy to relate to without a visible human friend. Or maybe he needed Batman's influence in some way.
Of course the time when Superman was controlled by Darkseid probably didn't help matters.
Was it hard to believe that millions would submit to dictators just because Batman didn't exist? Consider that millions were willing to surrender to the will of Darkseid just before he arrived on Clark's world. There was no Batman then either. Only Clark just before he put on the Superman costume.
Even Oliver Queen as the Green Arrow fell under Darkseid's influence. And the Green Arrow was a hero very similar to Batman.
But Batman possessed a spirit so strong that once he stopped two powerful beings from destroying two universes: one universe with Superman, Batman and the DC Heroes and another with Spider-Man, the Avengers and the other Marvel Heroes.
Wow, Daniel thought. Who would have thought knowing stuff from comic books would help in being a time travel fixer-upper?
It also made sense if people couldn't fully relate to Superman or other really powerful heroes, Daniel thought. I mean, look at Spider-Man, the Hulk or the Fantastic Four. (All of whom Daniel had worked beside, along with the rest of the team. SG-1 had even worked with Captain Picard and the X-Men.) They were all heroes through strange circumstances.
Most of us weren't going to become heroes by being exposed to radiation or being from another planet.
Hopefully, scientists were working on ways to deliberately give people super-powers. Tony Stark did it with his Iron Man armor.
Daniel looked over at Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard. The guys often discussed matters involving superheroes. Raj once asked Daniel why Batman simply didn't become Iron Man.
Whatever the answer to that question, it made sense Batman would be such a big influence. Again, he was the only self-made hero, the only hero people really had a chance of becoming. Though aren't we all heroes in our own way?
In any case, they restored the timeline so once again Bruce Wayne's parents died and there was a Batman and there were no "big bad dictators ruling Earth," as Jack said.
Unfortunately, Clark learned what they had done.
And he wasn't very happy about it.
"I won't let this happen!" Clark shouted.
"Clark, it's done," O'Neill said firmly.
"Then I'll undo it!"
"No, Clark, you won't." The colonel stepped toward him. "No matter how many powers you have, there are some things you just cannot change."
"I won't be responsible for someone losing his parents!"
"Clark, you cannot undo this! You know that!"
"Easy, Jack," Daniel said. "That's probably something Clark has struggled with all his life. Having all these powers, seeing all the tragedy in the world. Not being able to stop it all."
"This has probably hit pretty close to home for him," Beckett said.
Clark simply looked sullen.
"I get that," O'Neill said. "But listen, Clark, our job is to change things back to the way they were. I don't like it any better than you do. But that's how it is."
Looking slightly stern, Daniel crossed his arms. "If we're deciding the fate of other people, are we any better than the Goa'uld?"
"Stop that, Daniel!" O'Neill snapped.
"Come on, Daniel, you know better than that," Beckett said quietly.
"We are not like the System Lords," Teal'c said.
Clark moved toward the Stargate. "I'm going back."
"Clark, don't make me get out the kryptonite," O'Neill said
"The Guardian won't allow it, Clark," Daniel said. "And you know we can't go anywhere without him."
"I'm going to do it anyway!"
As Clark moved toward the dialing device, O'Neill simply sighed and gave a slight his eyes.
Once Clark dialed the address, the Stargate did not activate.
"Clark, it really is for the better overall," Carter said softly.
"Carter's right. You've got to look at the big picture, Clark." O'Neill nodded to his archaeologist friend. "Daniel, explain it to him."
As he crossed his arms over his Stargate Command jacket, Daniel spoke quietly. "This is our mission, Clark. We are the Protectors of the Prime Universe. When the Joker changes a timeline in the Prime Universe, we have to change it back."
Even though he was reciting from the Background, Daniel could choose the rate of speed at which he spoke. Quickly, he explained that the Prime Universe was the universe where you had Prime Earth.
Prime Earth was where you had Clark and Smallville and the beginning of the Age of Heroes. Centuries later there was Captain Kirk and Spock and later Captain Picard and his crew. And centuries after them was the Legion.
"And then there's the Joker," O'Neill said.
"Ah, yes, the Joker." Here, Daniel sounded slightly irritated. "As you very well know, Jack, as the one carrying the Background, I act much like a human search engine. Once someone enters key words or phrases, I have to explain everything about the subject. Everything that's in the Background, that is. Even though I essentially remain myself, I still find that annoying at times. So thanks very much, Jack..
"Here's what we know about the Joker.. Given power by the rogue Q, the Joker now has the power to invade and influence minds, to alter reality and move objects and people from one dimension to another. He can take a Vulcan, a Terminator, a Replicator, or just about anyone or anything and move it around to another time on another world. That's how he creates an altered timeline in the Prime Universe."
Briefly, Daniel stopped to catch his breath. "The Prime Universe is the center of all other universes. When a timeline is changed in the Prime Universe, it sends ripples throughout the multiple universes, causing the Joker to grow in power."
"And last time we saw the guy he was roughly the size of a galaxy," O'Neill said.
"Let me get through this, Jack. When the Joker creates an altered timeline, it has to be changed back. Whether it's good or bad. Even if the Joker turned the Prime Universe into a place filled with rainbows, puppy dogs and unicorns-"
"Which that wasn't," O'Neill said pointedly.
"-we'd still have to change it back to stop the Joker from growing in power."
Daniel looked directly at Clark. "You have to be careful, Clark. If you get in a bad enough emotional state, the Joker can alter you physically, change you."
"Like that time he gave me the head of Homer Simpson," O'Neill said.
As Clark visibly sulked, Daniel went on. "If you stay in this kind of emotional state, the Joker can influence your mind, cause you to-"
Daniel stopped. Briefly, he closed his eyes.
"The Guardian says we're on another mission."
The Stargate was already activated. Quickly, the group moved toward it..
Clark lagged behind. He had an angry look on his face.
Just before he went through the Stargate, he muttered something.
"I still don't like it."
Somewhere the Joker laughed.