Dramatic Dan (Announcer): (deepest voice imaginable) Previously on "Lost"…
Plane: CRASH!
Survivors: CLASH!
Backstory: FLASH!
Charlie: HASH!
Boone: SMASH!
Actors: CASH!
Dramatic Dan: And now, an eerie revolving title card. I mean, the show.
Locke: There was supposed to be a "HATCH!" in there somewhere too, wasn't there?
Da Phoenix: Eh. That doesn't rhyme as well.
Jack: Wow, what a neato hatch that's open now. Too bad you all had to wait three months to watch us agonize about going into it.
Locke: What do you mean, not go inside it?!?!?
Hurley: What part of "cursed numbers will kill us all" did you not understand, Baldy????
Kate: Hm, I wonder how my cowboy other-boyfriend is doing…
---
Sawyer: (still shot) Oh God, my arm! (to Jin) KILL ME NOW!!!!!
Jin: (in Korean) Um, hello, no speakie!
Michael: Walt! Waaalt!!!!
Sawyer: I see Mike knows his line for the season…
---
Locke: Listen up, fools: we're going in the freakin' hatch, okay?!?!?
Hurley: No we're not! (pouts)
Locke: Are too!
Hurley: Are not!
Locke: Are too!
Hurley: Are not!
Locke: Are too!
Hurley: Are not!
Kate: Aw, screw it. (goes into hatch)
Jack: Oh noes! (follows and finds her being held hostage) OMG, it's you!!!
Hatch guy: Yes, it's me! (awkward pause) Are you physically able to push a button for no apparent reason??
Jack: Um…………………………. Sure?
Hatch guy: Okay, cya! (leaves to make out with Danielle)
Locke: Aw, sweet, a button! Let's push it!
Jack: But why? It's stupid. And dirty. And it smells kind of funny. Reminds me of Sawyer a little bit…
Hurley: Plus it's cursed!!!!!!!!!
Locke: Whatever. (pushes button)
Hurley: (is surrounded by morons)
---
Jin: (somehow not in the middle of the ocean anymore) The others are coming! The others are coming!!
(Jin, Michael, and Sawyer get captured by crazy Ana Lucia and the crazy coach people)
Ana Lucia: You're the OTHERS!!!!!!
Sawyer: Um, no, hottie, I think YOU'RE the Others!!!
Jin: (in the pit thing) Let me out, or I'll have to use my Asian martial arts butt-whoopin' sk1llz on you all!!
Ana Lucia: Whatever, you guys are pretty boring for kid-snatching psychopathic scientists. Guess you're not really the Others after all, so I'll take you back to camp.
Sawyer: So… got any issues you'd like to share with us in an extended flashback?
Ana Lucia: Welllllll, just baby issues. And Others issues.
Sawyer: Aw maaaan, no daddy issues??? …Don't worry, you're still hot.
---
Shannon: (giggle) Oh Sayid, I love you.
Sayid: I love you too, since we're like the only important main characters without daddy issues. Let me go and find you some. (leaves)
Walt: (to Shannon, backwards and scarily) Don't get daddy issues, you'll end up like me…
Shannon: Aah!!!! (pulling a Michael) Walt! Waaalt!!!!
Sayid: Shannon! What did I tell you about listening to creepy ten-year-old's voices in the jungle and running after them?!? You haven't been getting into Charlie's "funtime powder" again, have you?
Ana Lucia: OMG I see people! They must be the Others!!! (shoots)
Shannon: (gets shot)
Sayid: Noooo!!!! (gets tied to a tree and tortured in a load of cosmic payback)
---
Eko: Since I'm apparently the only one in this group with any brains, I will take this babbling cowboy to get his arm fixed.
Sawyer: (babble, groan) Kate, I love you Kate, Kate, I will not be ignored, Kate…
Jack: Aw maaaan, now I have to heal this guy?? Stupid hero complex!
Kate: (tears) Oh Jack, please help Sawyer! (sob)
Jack: Well, ok. But only because I love you. …I mean, you're hot? (gets out the duct tape to put Sawyer back together)
---
Sayid: Oh, I'm so grief-stricken that I forgot Charlie has a drug problem. Hey Charlie, wanna see the heroin plane?
Fans: That's not even CLOSE to what really happened!!
Da Phoenix: Sh, we're getting to the good part!!
---
Eko: Hey Locke, I found this movie about the Hatch.
Locke: Sweet! I'll grab the popcorn!!!!
Movie man: …So don't use this computer for IMing people. You could end up meeting a perv like on "To Catch a Predator"!
Computer: (IMing Michael) yt?
Michael: zzzzzzz… hmm, walt? (typing) Walt?
Computer: Dad, I have more issues than EVER now!!!
Michael: (screams) WALT!!!!!!! (pause, types "WALT!!!!!!!")
---
Claire: (to Eko) Oh, isn't Charlie the funniest guy ever? He keeps a Virgin Mary statue by his bed! (laughs) Oh, you Catholics!
Eko: Uh, he's not devout, he's addicted to the heroin INSIDE the statue.
Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (over)
Fans: How the hell did Eko even know about the heroin statues already???
Da Phoenix: Do not question the almighty Omnipotent Parody Author!!!
Eko: Well, Charlie, since I already ruined your life, you might as well take me to the heroin plane already!
Charlie: (grumble grumble) OMG, LOOK OUT FOR THAT… shadow.
Shadow: (menacing)
Da Phoenix: Wait… the monsters aren't homicidal robots?!? (world shatters)
Eko: I needed to see and burn this heroin plane because of my brother issues. But first, have some more heroin.
Charlie: Gee thanks, but I already stashed like a gazillion of these already.
---
Jack: (entering hatch) La de da de da… OMG LOCKE?!?!?
Locke: (mild concussion from being knocked out by Michael)
Michael: (nearby, crazy) Waaalt…
Jack: What's that, boy? Ok, you can go look for him… take a gun, por favor!
Locke: You can't do that, we need to follow him! With more guns!
Sawyer: I'll come just to make it hard on you, doc!
Jack: (grumbling) cowboy steals my women, wtf…
Others: (surround them)
Lead Other: (pirate voice) Arr, get yer feet off our coffee table.
Jack: …huh?
Lead Other: It be a metaphor, ye landlubber.
Jack: Riiiiiight…
Lead Other: We have one of yer women!
Kate: (kidnapped)
Jack: Well, I can't argue with that logic! (drops guns)
Kate: (let go) Oh Sawyer, I was so scared… (runs to him)
Jack: (grumbling) cowboy steals my woman, wtf…
Ana Lucia: Are you ok, Jack baby?
Jack: Oh yeah, awesome. I just lost my other girlfriend, that's all.
Ana Lucia: (suggestively) Anything I can do to make it all better?
Jack: (oblivious) Let's create an army to kill the Others! And an island jail we can throw Sawyer into!!
Claire: (in background) Um, hello, still waiting on a public school system here!
---
Charlie: So… none of us really knows what's going on in the show anymore, so we're all going to have a group flashback!!
Kate: yay?
Sayid: These flashbacks happen often to the rest of you too?
Jack: Increasingly… since the plane crashed…
Henry: Hey, what about my plotline?
Locke: Oh yeah! ("tough-guy" voice) Alright you sicko. Time to tell us who da heck you are.
Henry: I already TOLD you my fake name! …I mean my real name. That's really mine. And real.
---
Claire: Time for my annual appearance. I mean, oh no! The baby's sick with a plot device!
Kate: This calls for some much-needed girl power. C'mon Claire and other important female character, let's go to the Fortress of Estrogen to get away from all these stupid men!
Danielle: Hooray! We can stay up late and paint each other's toenails and eat Ben and Jerry's and watch The Notebook!!!
Claire: Awww, this was fun, girls! Why don't we do this more often?
Sun: We do. We're always hanging out in here, that's why we get like no screentime.
Ana Lucia: And meanwhile, I'm just everywhere at the moment!
Danielle: Well, you and Kate are in that convoluted love "quadrangle" thing, so neither of you counts.
---
Eko: I'm pretty sure that this isn't my line, but hey! That prisoner's not who he says he is!
Jack: (turns to Benry, shocked) You LIED?!?!?
Benry: Aw SNAP! (hangs head)
Charlie: (enters) Um, hey guys, is it time for me to have my annual struggle with heroin yet?
Jack: (irritated) Not NOW, Charlie!
Charlie: By the way, through some drug-induced dreams- I mean, deep personal introspection, I think I found some daddy iss-
Sawyer: (screams) GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!! (pushes Charlie out and slams hatch)
Charlie: 'Kay guys, that's cool, I guess. But you'll all regret that at the season finale!!!!!! …I hope.
---
Michael: Guess who just showed up to ruin everyone's lives?
Jack: (happy) Mike! You can form cohesive sentences again!
Sayid: (to Benry) Yeah, sorry about this whole torturing-you thing I've got to do, but it IS post-9/11 America, and I AM an Iraqi, soooo… (graphic torture we all get to see)
Da Phoenix: Ewww!
Sun: Jin… I'm PREGNANT!! (dramatic soap opera music)
Jin: Ewww! I mean wow, honey, that's great. I just hope no one tries to kidnap you!
Hooded figure: (kidnaps Sun)
Fans: (to Da Phoenix) You have serious chronology issues, don't you?
Da Phoenix: Oh come on, the order's not THAT important!
Plane: CRASH!
Da Phoenix: Just kidding!
Charlie: (takes off hood) I'm sorry I pretended I kidnapped Sun. But no one's going to notice me otherwise!!
Locke: (not listening) What? Oh yeah, that's great, Scott. Now if you'll excuse me, I gots me a question mark to find!
Eko: I'll come with you, white version of me! And we can even stop by the heroin plane for some hash- I mean, honor my dead brother! (trips)
Question Mark: (puzzling)
Locke: (whoa omg this hatch is SO much easier to open than the last one)
Eko: Whoa, what's up with all these notebooks, surveillance monitors, and motivational posters saying "The Button's A Fake, Locke Won't Take A Break"?
Locke: Well, either the girls have been hanging out in here watching The Notebook and doodling on giant pieces of posterboard, or EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eko: I don't think the movie's about THAT kind of notebook…
Rose: Time for my biannual appearance… Hey Locke, I still think this island is magical awesome!
Locke: (is too distracted by Hurley's romance to listen)
---
Hurley: I've gone from the eccentric fat guy to the certifiably crazy fat guy… who's in LOVE:)
Libby: (monotone) My name is Libby. I love Hurley.
Hurley: Ok baby, let's have a romantic picnic on the beach! (stage whisper to camera) I got that girl tip from Sayid.
Sayid: Shannon. Torture. Shannon. Torture. (continues his plot line)
Hurley: So, we need a picnic blanket. Go get one from Benry!
Libby: Libby loves Hurley. (leaves)
Sayid: Oh, didn't I mention how our last picnic went? (flashback to Boone dying) …We forgot the grey poupon…
Michael: (shoots two of the five girls in the cast)
Ana and Libby: We never should have driven drunk!!!! (dead)
Benry: Great job, Michael! Remember our shady deal now! (runs away)
Michael: (pause, then back to old crazy self) Walt…
Jack, Sawyer, Kate: (enter) OMG WTF HAPPENED?!?!?!?
Michael: (still holding smoking gun) …it was Benry.
Jack: CURSE YOU, BENRY!!!!!!!! (chase through jungle)
Hurley: Wait for me you guys! I don't have anything else to keep me on screen now that my love story's over!
Michael: Aw crap. My perfect shady plan just got complicated by the certifiably crazy fat guy with a broken heart.
---
Desmond: I'm back everybody! And I found my name!
Eko: Hooray! (pushes button)
Locke: Yeah, whatever. (grumble grumble) you and your stupid button, wtf…
---
Charlie: Holy heroin, Fatman!
Hurley: (far away in the jungle, looks up) Wha?
Charlie: I'm finally ready to get clean! (throws heroin off cliff)
Claire: Gee thanks, that's supposed to be our drinking water. I mean, I'm so proud of you, baby! (kiss)
Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (resurrected)
---
(Jack, Sawyer, Kate, and Hurley get kidnapped)
Benry: Eh, send the fat guy back. He won't fit in the monkey cage.
Jack: OMG I never saw this coming!!!!
Michael: (trading them for Walt and escaping island) Really?
---
Sayid: C'mon Jin and Sun, we furriners have to do something to give us airtime in this finale. (wander to gaze intently at giant foot)
Sun: …Yup. That's one giant foot.
---
Locke: Hey Eko, let's not push the button and see what happens. Just for giggles.
Eko: (somehow stabbed by a million knives, sarcastically) Oh, I'm giggling. (pass out)
Hatch: (implodes)
Locke: Ok… that DEFINITELY didn't happen the last time the numbers went to zero…
Fans: Who's dead? WHO'S DEAD?!?!? And… the foot! (pause significantly)
Da Phoenix: ………..What the hell is going on in this show?!?!?