A/N: Second chapter! Thanks to M and MP, my amazing first two reviewers! Also to P of P, my third. (People who like LxLight fluffy goodness, check out MP's fics Minor Annoyances and Minor Dilemmas. L and Light galore.) I apologize in advance for any typos, because I was in a hurry to publish last time since my dad was screaming at me to get off the computer and I hate re-reading my work. On that note, I'm looking for a beta for my other story, War at Wammy's. M already called this one. (And no, I do not have an unreasonable obsession with initials. I'm N, by the way. Mini-explanation at the end of the chapter that actually has nothing to do with the real reason, which is that my name has an "n" sound in it and my two best friends have "l" and "m"s.) So enjoy, read, and review!
Disclaimer: (Door bursts down) "You! There! We are apprehending you for the unlawful use and exploitation of the plot and characters of Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata!" (Pulls out handcuffs) (Others move to surround the building)
Me: "But look, see here! I've put up a disclaimer! That's the magic of fanfic!" (Points erratically, taking in walls and broken down door) (Head policeman looks confused, scratches head in unattractive manner)
Policeman: "Oh, that's right1 We are standing in a disclaimer! I apologize, ma'am. Team, move out. False alarm. I apologize."
Me: "Could you say the disclaimer, then, just to make it official?"
Policeman: (Ahem) "Yes. Well, the characters and original plotline to this story, modified or otherwise, do not belong to this young lady here. Please, uh, enjoy, and don't infringe any copyright laws or I'll have to be catching up with you." (Leaves)
Sorry … that kind of took on a plot of its own … now, onward to the story!
--
"Ryuzaki," Light whispered the next morning, the task force hard at work trying to get a fix on the new elusive Kira. "IM window. I've got something I want to talk to you about."
"Agreed, Light-kun," Ryuzaki answered, surprised. What could Light-kun wish to talk about that he would not say in front of the task force? There was a 95% chance of it being yesterday morning, which they hadn't mentioned again except for one murmured "Thank you" when it was time for bed and Light's dream-hazed murmurings while he was asleep that went something like, "Ryuzaki … you saved me from the killer donuts … thank you … but how are you still so thin? An alternate dimension you store them in? I see … thanks for explaining … come on, have you seen candy mountain yet? … I heard they got in a new shipment of gumdrops … "
Interesting indeed.
Too bad Light-kun hadn't dreamed about Kira yet, or he would have already solved the case.
L logged on to the private chat room he'd set up a few days into the confinement to keep in touch with Mello, Near, and Matt as he had nothing better to do, coding in his private password that no one could ever possibly guess in any time since the beginning of writing to when the world would be rendered an empty, useless husk from the star humans called the sun's supernova explosion, or so he honestly believed. And what was this most magical of passwords?
53ibissymal%)91.
Well, maybe Misa could guess it if she just looked down and banged her head on the keyboard … but he digressed.
Welcome, Call_Me_Ryuzaki. Accept invitation to chat with I'mChainedToAPsychopath?
L grimaced, but typed in yes. Enter chat.
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: Ryuzaki! Finally! Can you see what's on the screens of the other task force members?
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: Why would Light-kun ask such a thing? I have no intention of pointlessly violating their privacy for Light-kun's amusement.
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: Ryuzaki! It's not like that! I'm just asking because when I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago, Matsuda was hunched over his computer screen with a red face and nearly giggling … so I was wondering whether, you know, he was looking at porn or something. I highly doubt our dead-end Kira case is going to inspire such amusement.
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: I see. In that case, Light-kun, I am able to discreetly monitor his activities. Please hold for a moment.
While L was off hacking the command sequence for Matsuda's computer, which was only a few minutes worth of time, the anxiously waiting Light was confronted with the unexpected. Namely …
Golden&Glorious has logged on.
Gamergeek#3 has logged on.
Wammy's_First has logged on.
Light checked the screen again to make sure this wasn't all just an elaborate hallucination, blinked once, and snuck a glance at L, who seemed intent at his work. Was e doing this as a prank? NO, it couldn't be. It just wasn't L's style, and L would never, ever, EVER call himself something like golden and glorious, when he so obviously was not. Not that he wasn't beautiful, in that pale, spidery, I'm-so-fragile-but-I-can-still-fuck-you-into-the-floor kind of way …
No. He couldn't think of L like that. But these being other people didn't make sense either. Why would L give anyone the codes to their private chatroom? Light turned back to his screen to find that the strangers, whoever they were, had started to speak. Maybe this could tell him more of what he wanted to know.
Golden&Glorious: L? We saw you on. Who's the other guy?
Gamergeek#3: since when did u use such perfect grammar, mells? L's probably busy. y'know, world's greatest detc. & all that.
Wammy's_First: Indeed. And to answer your question, I am afraid that Mello has chosen to believe he can keep up with me in grammar and typing ability, at which he shall surely fail.
Golden&Glorious: Near … if you hear knocking at your door, feel free to ignore it … because it'll probably be me with my new gun …
Wammy's_First: Indeed, seeing as you could not possibly be here while you are typing into your computer on the other side of the building. I shall remember to mention your "new gun" to Roger, though. I'm sure he will be quite interested, not to mention the fact that this is L's chatroom we're using currently.
Gamergeek#3: shouldve figured it was some crap like tht. Mells, when will u learn to chill? and what new gun ru talkin about?
Golden&Glorious: Shut up, Matt! I didn't tell you because you always react like this1 And no, I will not "turn around and answer you properly"! I'm waiting for L!
Light decided that this was a good time to make his entrance, to see if he could get anything more out of them before L came back, as he looked just about up to finishing. But just as he was about to type a first greeting and set them off-guard, another message infiltrated his screen.
Wammy's_First: I believe it's time for you to introduce yourself, whoever you are You've obviously been reading long enough to realize that we know L as well. And once again, Mello, you seem to have gotten distracted and lost sight of the important facts. More reason why you'll never be number one.
Golden&Glorious: That was a sentence fragment, Near. How's your perfect grammar now? But I suppose you're right about whoever else L gave the codes. Hello? Cat got your tongue, newbie?
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: Hello. I suppose I could be asking you the same question, seeing as L led me to believe this chatroom was a restricted one. Who are you three, exactly?
Gamergeek#3: o great. anothr 1. do u think that ther's a rule geniuses hav to be total pricks, mells?
Golden&Glorious: Hey!!!!! I'm not a prick, lazy asshole!!!!
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: Those who resort to chatspeak for the mere efficiency make things less professional and give the appearance of a significantly lower IQ. And, of course, the plural for "genius" is genii, not "geniuses." Do you work for L?
Wammy's_First: Curse words are the lowest form of a retort, Mello, something you seem not yet to have learned. If I may ask, who are you, Mr. "Chained"? Such an interesting screenname, especially for talking to L, must have a story behind it.
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: It's just a joke, really. You can call me Light. And as to exactly what my relation is to L, I'm afraid I most likely shouldn't disclose that. Just as you are, obviously, avoiding my questions with grammatical distractions and a petty rivalry.
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: What is the meaning of this, Mello, as I'm sure you instigated it, Near, Matt? I do not recall requesting a conversation.
Golden&Glorious: It's not like that, L! Matt just keeps a window up so that if you happen to be on and looking for us, we have easy access. We saw you were online and, since this is a closed chatroom, we assumed you'd want to speak. Who is this guy, anyway? And what is his stupid screenname supposed to mean?
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: Funny, I was about to ask you the same question, Ryuzaki. Why are they allowed to call you L? And for your information, my name is merely a statement of fact seeing as I am currently chained to a psychopath who currently calls himself Ryuzaki. Sound familiar, mells?
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: Light-kun, I would advise you refrain from typing any more immediately, or I shall have to chastise you in front of your father. Now, please resume work on the case, and I will show you my information in a few moments.
I'mChainedToAPsychopath: You'll be hearing about this later.
I'mChainedToAPsychopath has logged off.
Gamergeek#3: chained 2 him, hu? y? ru … ukno …
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: I must as that while I am online, you refrain from chatspeaking, Matt. I am currently chained to the primary Kira suspect to ensure that he has no opportunities to resume his earlier bad habits, at least until I can catch the current Kira and gain evidence that may lead back to him. Was there anything else you three wished to speak to me about? I have business to attend to.
Golden&Glorious: Japanese, too, from your use of –kun. Exotic.
Wammy's_First: What we were intending to ask, L, is when you were going to make a visit to name your next successor, especially with the high risk probability of the Kira case. Have you come to a decision?
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: Yes. As I am unable to travel with my dangerous suspect, much less show him Wammy's, you will be arriving here for a weekly stay in three days. You will be referred to here as "other Ls," so I am sure you can act the part. It is a minor falsehood I have told to confuse Kira.
Gamergeek#3: Will we get to see this Light guy?
Call_Me_Ryuzaki: Yes. He is currently assisting me. Good-bye, Near, Matt, Mello. I have pressing matters of business to attend to.
Call_Me_Ryuzaki has logged off.
Golden&Glorious: Well, that just figures. L's probably just ditched us to make up his chances of getting some. C'mon, Matt, race you in Mariokart.
Golden&Glorious has logged off.
Gamergeek#3: i'm gonna pone your sexy ass, mells.
Gamergeek#3 has logged off.
Wammy's_First: I declare that I am now filled with forboding for the week ahead, if it means spending extended time in Matt and Mello's company.
Wammy's_First has logged off.
L, business finished, logged off and turned to Light, who he could feel glaring all the while. "Yes, Light-kun?" he asked blankly, turning his disconcertingly blank stare on his companion. "Did you want to see the file I had compiled?"
"Yes," Light snapped stiffly, unable to bring up the subject with L without yelling and, he feared, making a scene in front of the task force. "Please send the file over so I may examine it."
"Certainly."
Light turned back to his computer, fming. A few seconds later his mail box pinged. He opened it, expecting to find—well, not …
Not this.
The screen seemed nearly splatter-painted with virtual graffiti in varying shades of pink (bright, brighter, brightest, hot, and burn-your-eyes-out-flammable) of what seemed to be a profile for a trashy online dating sight. Matsuda was looking at this? Actually … knowing Matsuda …
He scanned the profile idly. It read something like:
Hi, I'm Taro Matsui, Misa Misa's manager. (Picture of Matsuda smiling awkwardly, cheeks red and suit's tie askew)
I'm friendly, energetic, and a good person to talk to or shoulder to cry on if you need one. I like strawberry ice cream, donuts, coffee, sunny days and helping Misa Misa choose her outfits! (click on link here)
I like women who are:
*small-waisted
*big-chested
*pretty
*like romantic comedies
*don't mind a shy guy
*forgive forgetfulness
I like men who are:
*well-toned
*easygoing
*cute
*tolerant of shyness and forgetfulness
Give me a chat if you're interested1 I'm always available !
Light sweatdropped, unable to fully comprehend the stupidity that was Matsuda's online dating profile. He supposed that if L had had the same reaction, he must have concealed it better.
Light turned to look at Ryuzaki. "So, what are we going to do about this?"
L nearly lost his breath for a second at the sight of Light's tan-and-bronze gorgeousness and those well of caramel eyes turning to him in questioning, hiding the reaction as he had been having to do more and more lately. "I have a plan, Raito-kun. We will have to acquire compatible profiles, and your name is to be as foolish as you please. I have a plan to catch him out." He leaned closer, lips nearly an inch from Light's face. Anyone would have thought they were merely talking about Kira, if they had heard. "You can do most of the flirting, as I am inexperienced in that area, but follow my lead when I suggest a meeting-place. You shall be Holly and I will be … Ivy. I will contact you once I am set up."
Light nodded once and turned back to his screen, clicking on, surprise—highlighted pink link to CREATE YOUR OWN PROFILE! and beginning to work on his specifications.
Name: Holly Collins
Screen Name: Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1
(Light downloaded a picture of someone who could have been a really cute girl or a really cute guy and stuck it here, someone with bleach-blonde hair and a top bikini with red-and-green stripes)
Preference: Guys?
Hobbies and Interests: Kissing, drinking, shopping, makeup application, more kissing … (Light worried that he'd be forever tainted if he actually posted this)
Criteria for Dating Interest: Cute, available, and able to give a girl what she wants! (Light left anyone reading to guess exactly what this was)
CREATE PROFILE!
Welcome to HeartmyCupid, Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1! Log in here!
Yes. Light was most definitely worried now. But how was L faring at a sight of such mind-boggling stupidity?
L, as he was the famous detective L who would ever do something so exhaustingly menial and idiotic himself, had contacted Aiber and asked him to take a few seconds off being Eraldo Coil to set one up, as he said, "for the purposes of an alternate investigation." Given only the name Ivy Hollins, he was sure Aiber would make an absolute masterpiece of imbecilic commercialism. What he wasn't prepared for, however, when Aiber sent it to him fifteen minutes later, was … well … this.
How could even L's magnificent vocabulary find words to describe it?
The first thing that caught his eye were the sparkles. Bright, pink, heart-shaped incandescent sparkles, radiating out from the pale pink-and-mint-green background of the page like something out of Light Yagami's worst nightmares. (He'd had one involving a cupcake ballet on sprinkle skates on the fourteenth—apparently they had called off the play to argue whether rainbow sprinkles should be referred to as "jimmies" or not, L wasn't sure whether to be impressed with the complexity of Light's unconsciousness, revolted, or perversely fascinated like he was now. And Light wondered why he liked to watch him sleep.)
Next were the words, in pretty purple bubble-cursive, all of them, overshadowed by the giant strip of image that was what Aiber had apparently determined an "appropriate image." It was a tanned girl with short black hair wearing a Gothic lolita schoolgirl outfit, looking like Misa post-rehab and drugs. L's stomach churned at the very thought of the image of it. The gist of his profile, to sum it up in something of Light's terms, went:
Name: Ivy Hollins
Screen Name: ttlyiviliciusvixn
(L scanned past down the link offering a slideshow of further pictures hurriedly, deciding he really didn't want to know)
Preference: Guys. Definitely. Mraow.
Hobbies and Interests: shopping, hugging, kissing, makeup, clothes, shoes, shopping, talking, guys. Yum. ;)
L now wished that he had told Light that he was having Aiber make his profile in advance, rather than face the embarrassing scrutiny and disbelief that was soon to follow.
Criteria for Dating Interest: cute, good listener, yummy and willing to buy gifts …
L, even as he sent Light the link, would have been blushing if he didn't have such impeccable control.
Light blinked. He blinked again. Reclicked, rechecked, and recanvassed the link. Because, really, wasn't this too thoroughly done for anyone's sanity? Even for L's?
Light glanced over at him as he typed, starting a new chat window in the site:
Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: isn't this going a bit overboard, um … Ivy?
ttlyivilicusvixn lik noos. lets go catch some smexy manmeat, holls! ttly.
Light sweatdropped and L permited himself an internal grin of satisfaction.
Five minutes later, Holly and Ivy had initiated a conversation with ManlyMachoMatsu25. L and Light watched in interest as Matsuda, looking nervous as he frowned over his computer on the other side of the room, made the first shaky online move.
ManlyMachoMatsu25: u-um, hey, ladeez. howz it goin? havin fun?
Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: how could I b? I'm not with u, MMM.
ttlyivilicusvixn: ooo. i ttly like it. what're u gonna call us, mmm ?
L seemed to have developed a minor fetish for using smily faces, as on here when he smiled no one was horribly repulsed. Though it was rather awkward, having to pretend to be an idiot so he could have to flirt with Matsuda. But he had a very good, very humiliating plan. He might even tell light about it, sometime after the taskforce went home.
ManlyMachoMatsu25: soooooooooooooooooooooo … u 2 ladeez wanna meet? where do u liv?
Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: r u asking us both out? on such shrt notic? we barly evn met.
ManlyMachoMatsu25: uhhhhh
ttlyivilicusvixn: chills, hol. matsu'll be fun. we live 'round kanto region, can get just 'bout anywere. u up 4 it ?
Perhaps, L worried, he was using a bit too many smily faces. Light, who kept shooting him odd looks, certainly seemed to think so. Maybe he was overplaying it a bit? This was how Misa's chat transcripts looked …
ManlyMachoMatsu25: yeah baby!!!!!!!!! hmm … larg place. were r u guys? sory, girls …
L thought it was time to step in for the completion of his plan.
ttlyivilicusvixn: I save that for latr d8s, sweety . how bout kosimaru bar? tomorrow a/1? well b ther. see u.
ManlyMachoMatsu25: Great. I'll see you tomorrow, Ivy and Holly! Bye!
"Matsuda," Soichiro thundered, having glanced over at him and found the red-in-the-face ex-officer drooling over the screen of his computer, "What are you doing?! This is work. Now, go make us some coffee!"
"Yes, chief," Matsuda said sheepishly, getting up and heading into the kitchen. His back turned as such, he did not see the glance exchanged by L and Light behind his back.
And they, as such, did not see Aizawa's grin as he stared at his computer screen, coming across the online version of an article this morning that had been in the local paper. Apparently a woman yesterday, a journalist, had spotted two gay handcuffed men! entering the bakery yesterday, and then exiting to get in a Rolls-Royce limousine. She had also happened to have her camera on her. Oh boy, Aizawa thoguth, as he typed out the e-mail to the chief, precious Ryuzaki and guilty Light were finally gonna get it from the chief …
And, of course, the trouble couldn't stop there, could it? No, it could not. Because Matt, who had used the opportunity of L leaving to hack Light's much less well guarded computer, had discovered what they were doing. Exactly. Or so he thought.
And worse, he'd told Mello …
--
Yay! Finally finished … do NOT expect a chapter every day or so, I won't be able to keep this pace up. Reviewers are the gods, and their reviews the nectar and ambrosia of life! Next time the meeting, and some Misa worked in too … not to mention angry!Soichiro! (Everyone cringes as speakers and television screens are yanked out of the wall and sent flying) Near's revenge for my other fic, War at Wammy's coming up next!
And I came up with a slightly humorous idea for an AU fic … want to see if anyone'll read it. So, A has always been L and B is Kira, and L and Raito are Wammy's boys! Won't mess around with A too long … I figure that B would've killed him, seeing as he had the eyes of the shinigami and all, when A issued L's challenge from books 1&2. Then the Wammy boys split apart to try and catch Kira on their own … and meet back up in the oddest of places. Sound fun? Please tell!
Now, to the CRACK MINI-CHAPTERS, of which the first two are written for the fair M because I told her the ideas and she thought they sounded funny enough to write out. all hail her! (And convince her to get a fanfic account. No ideas, schmimeas. Just write a fluffy oneshot or something.)
CHAPTER ONE:
"Ryuzaki!" Light snapped finally, stopping to rest for a moment as he balanced the heavy, unwisely proportioned donut box on his hip and turned to glare at the eemingly unfazed detective. "Could you call Watari to pick us up or something? This donut box is really heavy, and the task force will be there soon!"
L stared at him unblinkingly. "Watari is already on his way, Yagami-kun. He has agreed to meet us at the intersection of kochibarchi and amaru, though, so we still have approximately fifteen minutes to go. Do you think you will be able to withstand the pressure for that long?"
Light sighed, readjusting the cumbersome box. "Fine. But you owe me big for this, Ryuzaki."
"No more than Yagami-kun owes me for allowing him outside," L answered snappishly back, irritated by the increase of both sunlight and people, things he was not comfortable with. "Now, we shall walk. I am requiring sugar."
"Fine."
Five minutes later …
"Light-kun?"
Light looked at him suspiciously. "What do you want, Ryuzaki?"
"Can Light-kun carry his bag as well?" L proffered the tiny brown bag that contained Light's bagel. "My arm is getting tired."
Light growled, throwing the donut box aside so that they splattered behind him as he leapt onto Ryuzaki, knocking him back onto the street, where curious pedestrians gathered to gawk. Raising his head to glare at Light indignantly, L croaked out, through the hands on his throat:
"Possiblity … of … being Kira … up by fifteen percent."
--
That's what M gets for saying Watari picked them up too quickly!
CHAPTER TWO: (This one's for my name, I stole it off a screenname I had for an OC of mine, and this was the rackish scene between her and Mello on the first morning of her stay at Wammy's. Note, her other screenname was JustGrowUpAlready. You'll get it by the end, and if not, I'll explain it for you.)
Mello tapped the new girl on the shoulder. "Hey, newbie," he snarled in his usual manner, not pausing in his chocolate consumption to talk to her, "What's your name? Wammy's doesn't normally take girls, so I bet you picked something stupid."
"That's rather illogical. A more reasonable deduction, though no less prejudiced, would be 'smart girl are better at keeping their families.' And it's Nevermind."
Mello's eyes narrowed dangerously as he stalked a step or two closer. "What did you just say?"
Nevermind sighed. "The name I picked is Nevermind, blondie. Do you have a problem with that too?"
(Continued next chap for no particular reason. So Edgar Allen Poe's raven goes 'Nevermore,' quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.' and Nevermind hates that. And then JustGrowUpAlready is a testament to to Peter Pan's neverland. I picked the name because I thought it would be fun to piss people like Mello off with.)
If you have ideas of fun random!fluff you'd like to have doen for this chapter, I'd love suggestions. Though they'd require reviewing. So review!
-N