You could say I've lived an unusual life. I'm the latest in a long, long line of master thieves, stretching back for thousands of years. When I was just a kid, I saw my parents get murdered. Raised in an orphanage with my two best friends, I spent my adult life travelling the world, facing everything from voodoo priestesses to sea monsters to the giant robotic owl who killed not only my parents, but essentially everyone in my family except myself. Hell, thanks to my inventive genius of a friend I've even torn through the space-time continuum faster than an under-funded museum's security system.

But, while we're talking about time, there's one thing I've noticed over the years. No matter how strange your life usually is, you can rely on fate to toss you a particularly weird day every so often. Sometimes, you might even get a weird week.

This is the story of a weird month I once had.

The breeze blew through a quiet, handsome, and geometric land. It was a land that had a heterogeneous geographical beauty; large deserts, steep mountains, snowy tundra, and most commonly, grassy plains. Each one of these features was comprised of neat cubes of natural material, making the region odd but welcoming. Cubic trees grew upon cubic soil, and cubic animals lounged in the square shade lazily grazing on cubic grass. Though rugged, the country was in a state of tranquillity.

It was in one of those grassy plains, near the ocean, that the following event occurred. It was a sudden change, one which seemingly defied the currently understood laws of physics. At one moment, there was absolutely nothing on the plain, and the next, there stood three distinctive, varied, and thoroughly confused figures.

To begin, there was silence. All three individually studied their two counterparts. Because their surprise was evident, the three quickly deduced that their new friends were as utterly lost as they themselves were. When some time had passed and it was clear that no-one was about to punch anyone else in the face, the trio relaxed slightly.

One was a dark grey raccoon standing confidently on two legs. He wore a shirt, cap, gloves and silk shoes in the same shade of blue, the shirt and gloves having golden trims. His brown eyes were adorned with a completely extraneous domino mask, and in one hand he held a peculiar cane: a wooden handle with a gold crescent at the top, giving the item the overall shape of a question mark.

Next to him was a tall, muscular man, shifting on the soles of his feet with erratic energy. He wore a whole-body spandex costume mostly red in colour with black parts scattered throughout, in particular surrounding his white-covered eyes, giving the impression of a blood-soaked panda. His clothing was covered with pouches of dubious use, and his belt was buckled with a cartoonish approximation of his face.

The third person was a short, elderly man with a large grey beard. He was wearing a brown robe under ridged black armour with dark red edges, but seemed to be comfortable in it, as though he had been wearing similar apparel his whole life - that, or he was just thoroughly easy-going. His golden eyes belied the wisdom that comes from living life fully for several decades.

It was the second man who spoke first. "I'm guessing neither of you know what in the sacred name of Bea Arthur is going on here either, huh?"

The raccoon shrugged. "Beats me. Your guess is as good as mine," he said in a smooth voice.

"I'm afraid I have no idea," answered the old man.

"Well ain't that just super." The spandex clad man scratched his head. "Okay, I'm not a big fan of awkward silence - or any silence, now that you mention it - so I say we at least starting talking."

"Man's got a point," smiled the raccoon, pleased to move past the silence. "The name's Sly Cooper. I've made something of a name for myself in the ever-lucrative industry of master thievery." Without any apparent motion on the part of Sly, his two new companions found themselves each holding a blue calling card in the shape of a raccoon's head.

"Ooh, cool party trick," said the red man, tossing the card away with a flick of his wrist. "Me next! Hello, my name is Deadpool. I punch, stab, shoot and explode things and people for fun and profit. Also, I talk a lot."

The third man carefully placed the card he received in one of his large sleeves. "My name is Iroh," he said. "I was once a general of the Fire Nation's army, although thankfully my days are now spent on more pleasant pursuits." He coughed. "Or at least, they normally are."

"Exactly," said Sly. "Now that introductions are over with, we might want to start working out what's going on." With that, he opened a red bag strapped to his leg and checked inside it.

"What are you looking for?" queried Deadpool. "Is it candy? Explosives? Explosive candy? Because that's a terrible idea. You're stupid if that's what's in there."

"I'm checking to see what equipment I have," was the answer. "I don't want to have to rely on something which fell out of my pocket when I was… doing whatever I did to get here."

Deadpool considered this for a moment, and then slapped the sides of his head with a sudden realization. "My weapons!" he yelled fearfully. He brought his hands to his back, hoping to feel the dual katanas usually strapped there, and upon being disappointed, he began to hurriedly open every pouch on his person.

As Iroh watched Deadpool panic, Sly finished his check. "Just my Binucucom and cane," he declared. "Not much, but the basics I need to be effective."

"Speak for yourself," said Deadpool sullenly. "No swords, no guns - not even a measly little grenade! Looks like for this caper Deadpool's going to have to rely on the good old fashioned way," he announced, cracking his knuckles. "What about you, Iroh? They rob you too?"

Iroh checked his pockets and sleeves. "Actually, it seems I've gained something instead."

"What? How is that fair?!" demanded Deadpool.

"It is unwise to expect justice in all places," answered Iroh. "Sometimes you must use the Pai-sho tiles you have been dealt."

"…What?"

"I'm guessing he's telling you 'life's not fair'," translated Sly. "So, what is it?"

Iroh took out a sheet of paper and squinted at it. "It's a letter addressed to the three of us."

"Does it have a return address?" asked Deadpool, hopeful for vengeance.

Iroh shook his head. "It merely states that we have to defeat someone named Maleficent."

"Sounds interesting," said Sly slowly.

"Sounds suspicious," countered Deadpool. "Still, it's nice to have something to do. It's like a hit, only without being paid. And some moron took my swords. And there's an old guy and a raccoon here too." He paused. "It isn't that much like a hit now I think about it."

"The question is how we find this person." Iroh gestured to the surrounding countryside, and Sly and Deadpool began to realize the vast size of the area they were in. The three stood in contemplation for a moment.

"I'm just thinking aloud here, but… I can climb that mountain range pretty easily," said Sly, pointing to the mountainous area behind him with his cane. "That covers north. From the looks of things, there's only sea to the south, so if you two each take west and east, we should be able to find this 'Maleficent'."

Iroh gave the raccoon a sceptical look. "Are you sure it's wise to split our forces like that?"

"Ah, that's the beauty of it," explained Sly. "With my Binucucom, and the higher altitude, I can keep tabs on you two pretty easily. The view is always better from the rooftops – or mountaintop, as the case may be. If either of you run into trouble, I can get us to regroup."

"You might have something there!" said Deadpool. "Of course, if I run into trouble, I'll be fine, but still, good principle. Alright General, which direction do you want?"

Iroh looked past Deadpool to see a sandy beach leading in to further plains, and then turned to look behind him at a quiet, lush forest. "I think I'd prefer east," he answered, indicating the forest.

"I got west then."

"Alright gentlemen," said Sly, "good hunting." With that the three men turned and walked their separate ways.

Not far from the plain where this took place, within a deep and lightless cave, someone was waiting. The purple trim of her black dress was barely distinguishable in the darkness, as was her green skin. The sorceress planted her thin, short staff firmly on the ground as she brought her hand to her pointed chin, considering her options.

Deciding to test the fools she had been pitted against, she commanded the dark creatures huddled on the other side of the cave to go out and destroy them. The closest to the entrance, a blue-shirted zombie, obediently walked out into the sunlight, burst into flames, and died.

Maleficent was taken aback by this unforeseen setback, but recovered quickly. She enchanted the monsters against sunlight, wreathing them in green flame. The next creature, a skeleton with a bow, tentatively stepped outside, and remained alive, if indeed that is the accurate term. The rest of the creatures promptly followed suit, spilling from the cave and into the land.

Maleficent walked slowly to the mouth of the cave and observed the ruggedly beautiful world. She found it sickeningly pristine. Experimentally, she pointed a finger at a nearby block of stone and wrenched it out of the ground with a flick of her wrist.

As she floated it from side to side, her smile returned.

Sly hooked his cane into the dirt above him, pulled back on it, and jumped upwards, reaching the peak of the mountain. He spun in the air and landed lightly on a flower, balancing on it.

"Little pointless showing off when no-one's around," he remarked to himself, "but I wouldn't want to make things too easy."

He hopped off the flower and took out his Binucucom. It was a small blue device; computerized binoculars, as the name suggested. He zoomed in on the forest Iroh had entered. For a while, he could see only trees, but eventually noticed motion. He realized it wasn't Iroh; it was a horde of some sort moving towards the general's position.

Sly frowned and swerved his Binucucom to check the direction Deadpool had gone in, and sure enough he could make out a group of skeletons heading that way as well.

"Looks like we've got company," Sly mused. "But, wait… If they're after Iroh and Deadpool, then shouldn't there should be some after me as w-"

Before he could finish this thought, Sly heard a hissing noise just behind him. He whirled around to see a horrific monster with green skin and sunken, soulless black eyes. The creature's appearance would have been startling enough, but it was also bulging unnaturally and flashing white.

Reflexively, Sly leaped away from the beast. As he did so, it erupted into an explosion which threw Sly back and ripped an unseemly crater out of the pristine ground.

Sly landed awkwardly, sliding on the dirt. He hadn't moved quickly enough to escape the full blast radius, but he didn't seem to be grievously harmed.

He looked up to see even more Creepers standing behind the crater their sibling had created, staring at him. Sly stood up straight and balanced his cane on his shoulder. "Well, that's what I get for talking to myself out loud. So you freaks want to take me on?" Sly smirked. "You're going to have to catch me first." With that Sly gracefully jumped off of the mountain.

To Deadpool's great excitement, he had found a quaint wooden cottage on the sea front. He had promptly thrown himself through a window of it in order to pillage the treasure presumably therein. There indeed was a chest inside, but to Deadpool's disappointment, there had been no diamonds or gold bars – merely dirt, stone, and a book.

Opening the latter, he read "Today I will venture out to gather materials for my portal. I already have means to ignite it, so all I need is the obsidian. In order to obtain the sufficiently large hole-shape, eight blocks will - pfft, yawn." He casually threw the book into the nearby stove.

"Hey, I was reading that!"objected the white box Deadpool thought in.

"Let's get out of here before my punching gland withers and falls off," retorted Deadpool. Almost directly after saying this, an arrow embedded itself into his back, the shaft vibrating upon impact.

"Huh," said Deadpool. "Ow."

The mercenary turned to see a skeleton holding a bow, having just fired at him through the broken window.

"Looks like we can stop reading," said the yellow box Deadpool also thought in, "and go play outside instead!"

"Hey Jack!" yelled Deadpool. "Eat damn hamburger once in while. Actually, no. Eat this." With that Deadpool ripped the arrow out of his back and flicked it at the skeleton. It embedded in its head and killed it.

Deadpool kicked open the cottage door and saw three more bow-wielding skeletons in a triangle formation. "While you may outnumber me," quipped Deadpool, "I can tell you right now; you guys are boned!"

The skeleton to his left fired at him. Deadpool caught the arrow, spun on his heel, and sent the arrow hurtling into the skeleton on his right, killing it.

"Woah, did you see that?! We caught it!" exclaimed the yellow box.

"Feh. Come back to me when you catch a bullet," replied the white box.

Deadpool sprinted towards the skeleton on the left, dodging arrows. Upon reaching the skeleton he yelled "Shoryuken!" and knocked the creature's skull off with a twisting uppercut.

Deadpool turned his attention to the final skeleton, ready for anything. He was so prepared for anything that when Sly Cooper suddenly jumped over the monster just as the Creeper who was following him exploded, destroying both skeleton and Creeper, Deadpool didn't bat an eyelid.

"Well, that's the last of them," said Sly stoically upon landing. "Those guys should really rethink their strategy."

"Hey!" yelled Deadpool. "You just stole my kill!"

Sly turned around to face the merc. "This isn't a video game."

"Damn skippy!" answered Deadpool. "This &#%€'s written down!

"Uh, sure," said Sly uncertainly. "Listen, we better find Iroh. These things are after him too, and I'm worried for the old guy."

Deadpool shrugged. "Alright. This place just got pretty dead anyway."

Sly ran back towards the forest, past the various craters left by the Creepers who had tried and failed to take the nimble thief out with them. Deadpool quickly caught up to him.

"Hey, hey Sly," said Deadpool. "The place is dead. Get it? Cause we killed the skeletons?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"… well # +$ you then. You just don't appreciate my genius."

Sly and Deadpool tore through the forest. It wasn't long before they saw signs of the monsters set after Iroh. Sly increased his pace, concerned for the safety of the genial old man, and Deadpool copied him.

They turned a corner and were met with an interesting sight. There were a few zombies lying on the ground, charred and unmoving. In the centre of them, Iroh was sitting peacefully on the ground, examining a flower.

"Are you alright?" asked Sly.

Iroh looked up and grinned. "Ah, hello. I was just admiring the plantlife."

Both Sly and Deadpool raised an eyebrow. Deadpool leaned over and said in a stage whisper, "Psst. Sly. I think this guy is crazy."

Iroh put his hands on his knees and slowly entered a standing position. "Or at least I was until I was interrupted," he continued. "Can we assume this Maleficent sent them?"

"It was definitely co-ordinated, so yeah, I think so," replied Sly.

"Well, they all came from thataway," said Deadpool, pointing towards the other end of the forest, "so let's stop talking and get fighting!" He skipped away merrily, and Sly and Iroh followed him after sharing a glance.

It wasn't long before they left the forest and burst out into another meadow. In the centre, on a rough stone throne, sat a green-skinned woman wearing a black and purple flowing dress, a black horned helmet, and a sadistic smirk.

"Maleficent, I presume?" queried Sly.

The fairy leaned forward, her smile widening. "Charmed."

"On a scale on one to ten, lady," said Deadpool, waving his index finger at her, "you're screwed. Without my swords or guns, I'm going to have to beat you to death."

Maleficent laughed lightly. "Such confidence. But your misguided bravery will not protect you."

She flicked a finger at Deadpool and a rock shot at him, hitting him in the face and twisting his neck back ninety degrees.

"Argh!" yelled Sly. "That's… oh. Oh no."

As shocked as Sly and Iroh were, they only became more shocked when Deadpool's arms reached up, grabbed his head, and pulled it back into place. There was a popping sound as the spine reconnected. "Oho, bad move, Wicked Witch of the West," said Deadpool. He leaped towards Maleficent, jumping over another thrown block.

Sly went to follow him, but Iroh tapped his shoulder and whispered something to him. Sly nodded and quietly walked in another direction, leaving Iroh to ponder just what style of Earthbending he was watching.

Deadpool nearly reached Maleficent, but when he got too close she changed tactics, shooting a spike of dirt and stone out of the ground which sent Deadpool into the sky. Maleficent smirked when she saw the mercenary land in a pile of broken bones.

Someone tapped her shoulder from behind. She whirled around to see Sly smiling at her. "Hi," he said.

She cast a rock at him. "You sneak up on me, only to immediately reveal yourself?"

"Well," explained Sly, ducking smoothly under her projectiles, "it was mostly for his benefit."

Maleficent's eyes widened. She turned around to see Deadpool approaching her at speed. "This is for Toto!" he screamed, and punched her full force in the face. There was a slight green glow where Deadpool's fist connected. There was also a quiet cracking noise as his hand shattered.

"Huh," he said. "Ow."

"Anyone else getting déjà vu?"

"Magical shields," explained Maleficent. "Just a little precaution."

She blasted Deadpool and Sly away with a burst of magic. "I grow weary of this fight…" she murmured disinterestedly. She curled one hand into a fist, which glowed intensely. A black rock rose out from underground, followed by another, and another, gradually accumulating.

"Obsidian," she said, "to quicken this battle."

Iroh cleared his throat softly. "Perhaps the three of us should discuss things." Sly nodded and Deadpool, standing up from where he had landed, flexed his now healed hand silently.

"Very well," said Maleficent. "I will allow you to convene. But your choices are limited to death or surrender. And be warned; I am not terribly hospitable to prisoners." The three walked out of her earshot, her laughter echoing behind them.

"This isn't working, guys," said Sly gravely when they were satisfied she couldn't hear them. "With those shields, we're not going to win in a physical fight."

"Perhaps not through force," conceded Iroh. "But force is but one facet of combat. There is always a more tactical approach."

A block of obsidian embedded itself in the ground nearby. "I'm waiting for your answer," called Maleficent. "If you take too long, I'll just assume you choose death."

Deadpool examined the black rock, and then suddenly shouted "Ding!" as though to imply a lightbulb. "Guys, guys!" he said, waving his arms, "Pick me! Deadpool has an idea!"

"What is it?" asked Iroh.

"Are you sure you want to find out?" asked Sly worriedly.

"I read this boring diary that said something about using obsidian to make portals!" Deadpool explained. "Maybe if we can force her through one, it'll count as a Ring Out victory!"

"That's… actually a pretty solid idea," said Sly.

Deadpool gave a modest shrug. "What can I say? I'm crazy, not stupid."

"What else do you know about these portals?" asked Iroh.

"Well, they're circular - or as circular as anything gets in this Lego countryside - and they need to be ignited."

"That last part might be a problem," Sly said. "You want me to slip away and find something to start a fire?"

Iroh held up a hand. "That won't be necessary. Let's just focus on building the portal first."

The three looked at each other and nodded. Then, they collectively turned and strode back into Maleficent's view.

"So, have you come to a decision?" she mocked. During their conversation she had been gathering more obsidian. Had the trio any other plan, this would be bad news - but currently, it was a fortunate development.

"Yeah, we have," replied Sly, "but if you want to know what it is, you'll have to beat it out of us."

Maleficent smiled. "Very well." And with that, she flicked a wrist and dozens of black blocks flew towards the thief, mercenary, and former general.

Instinctively, they fanned out to better avoid the projectiles. Sly stood in the middle, dodging the rocks. Deadpool stood to the left, redirecting the blocks towards Sly where possible. Iroh did the same, and doubtlessly someone would have commented on his surprising strength for his age had anyone been paying sufficient attention to him. When some obsidian had formed a U shape, Sly jumped atop it in order to finish the ceiling. Maleficent noticed what they were doing - it would be hard not to - but she neither understood nor cared about its significance.

Soon, the portal was completed. Sly realized they hadn't planned this part, and yelled "Now what?"

"Charge at her!" Iroh said, as he moved towards the portal.

"Yay!" chirped Deadpool. "Back to fighting!"

He ran at Maleficent, taking a direct blow from an obsidian block and barely slowing down. Once within punching range, Maleficent blasted him to the side. The merc hit a stray block of obsidian spine-first, a deadly blow which would keep him down for an entire minute. Sly followed suit, and was similarly thrown by a burst of green flame. He landed awkwardly on his left arm. He checked it quickly, relieved to see it wasn't broken.

Maleficent smirked at her two downed opponents, and turned her attention to the third. Iroh stood in the obsidian frame, eyes closed, focusing on his breathing.

"You all are pathetic," said Maleficent, "but you are the worst."

Iroh continued to breathe, showing no reaction.

"You're a decrepit old fool clearly unable to fight his own battles, so you rely on others to defend you," she continued.

Iroh breathed ever deeper.

"And now you're either being impolite to your opponent, or you've gone deaf," said Maleficent. "I wouldn't be surprised in either case."

Iroh inhaled one last time.

"Can you even -" began Maleficent, before she disappeared into a seething mass of fire.

Sly looked on, amazed, as the geriatric general produced a massive gout of flame from his two hands and open mouth. The fireball was huge, powerful, and aimed squarely at Maleficent. Iroh relented after a few seconds, and Maleficent once again came into view. She stood in the middle of a barren patch of burnt grass. Her shields had apparently left her unscathed, but she seemed off-balance.

She glowered at Iroh furiously. "You want fire?" she said, her voice crackling with fury. "Very well. I shall give you fire."

Green flames surrounded Maleficent, and with a noise like thunder, her silhouette grew, turning into a long shadow. She kept rising, and her shadow reformed into a jet-black, serpentine dragon with glowing green eyes and a scaled purple stomach.

"This day just gets weirder and weirder," said Sly, backing up slightly.

"Two dragons in battle?" smiled Iroh. "So be it."

Maleficent breathed green flames at Iroh. With a fluid martial arts motion, he gestured to the left with both his arms, and the flames bent away from him. Maleficent tried again and again Iroh deflected, this time to the right.

Maleficent roared in frustration and swooped down, snapping at Iroh. She bit down on Iroh's arm, drawing blood and a pained yell from the general. He countered by using his other arm to shoot flames at her eyes, forcing her to let go.

Iroh jumped backwards, so that Maleficent would have to stick her neck through the portal, which she did. She loosed another breath of flame, which he held off with his uninjured arm. Grimacing from the effort, Iroh raised one leg slightly, and with an understated kick, shot a small spurt of flame at the obsidian.

The space within the circle was suddenly full with a liquid purple essence, floating in midair. Maleficent realized too late what was about to occur, and tried to escape the portal, but her size caused her to lose vital seconds. She roared one final time, shaking the trees, before suddenly vanishing completely.

Sly hurried over to Iroh. "You alright?"

Iroh smiled. "Thank you for your concern. I should be just fine."

"That was some mighty impressive… stuff you just did," said Sly, nonplussed. "Nice going!"

"Now, the one we really should be thankful to is Deadpool."

Deadpool stood up, giggling as his spine finished knitting back into place. "Let's just agree that we're all awesome," he said.

"Good plan," grinned Sly. "So… I guess we won. I wonder what happens -"

For the second time that day, the three abruptly found themselves in a different location.

"…now," Sly finished.

They examined their surroundings. They were on the bridge of a ship. The floor, ceiling and walls were made of polished mahogany with metallic purple framework, and an old-fashioned ship's wheel stood pride of place in the middle of the room. Jarringly, however, there were also several consoles with hi-tech instrument embedded within them. The whole room was tilted at an angle, but it was almost unnoticeable - the trio only realized this fact by looking out of the large window which formed the front wall, and seeing the sandy expanse outside.

The silence was broken by Deadpool exclaiming "Cool! I'm going to go touch the doorknob of every room for good luck!" And with those words he merrily bounded out the door.

Iroh gingerly moved his bleeding arm. "There are only two rooms I'm interested in," he told Sly. "The infirmary, and anywhere an old man can take a peaceful nap."

"Good luck with that with Deadpool around," said Sly. "Need a hand tending to that arm?"

Iroh smiled gently. "No, thank you. I should be able to manage by myself."

Sly nodded. "In that case… I'm going to go find a pen and some paper."

I hope you enjoyed the overly long first chapter. Do you have thoughts? Predictions? A favourite colour? Let me know via review!