I don't know what life's supposed to be, but it's not supposed to be like this. - Huey Freeman, The Boondocks
Would you choose water over wine, to hold the wheel and drive? - Incubus, Drive
- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
It feels so good to just give up real life once in a while.
Quite frankly, he doesn't know how he'd manage without it. His life isn't exactly going great at the moment. Every waking second is spent trying to bounce between being Tony Stark and Ironman. If he had his own way, he'd just be Ironman. It's easier that way. People respect him as a hero, and nerds all over the internet admire his technological savvy. Being Tony doesn't do very much other than remind him that his dad isn't there anymore. Tony misses the days spent laying in bed after working on his inventions all night long. He wants to go back to those days where everything seemed so easy and carefree that he thought he could give this up for good.
Nowadays he's been carefully self medicating. He can get whatever he wants from a few choice kids at school, and no one will question him because he's Tony Stark. No teacher would believe them if they reported him, no one denies him drinks given what's he's been through, so no one really knows just how hard he's been hitting the bottle. He's alright most of the time, he really is. All he needs is a little something to perk him up. He's never been drunk in his life. All he wants is a little exit from this constant work and constant motion. Sometimes all he wants is a break from real life, where everything can melt away into pure warmth and sensation. Even if it's not legal and it's not really right, it helps him through his life. It's not like he's getting plastered all the time. All Tony wants is to keep himself okay so he can set things right.
He knows its wrong, though, and that's way Rhodey can't know. Pepper can't know. No one can. Everyone has to see him as perfect. He's a funny guy and/or he's Ironman. He's the son of the greatest mind of the previous generation. He can't slip up. Everything is on him. He's alone in this, when it gets down to it. School doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything. Deep inside there's a void, a numb vortex that is composed entirely of self hatred. If he were a better person, more like his father, everything would be okay. If he were smarter this wouldn't have happened. If only he wasn't Tony freaking Stark, naieve and sheltered and worthless, everything would be okay. But it isn't, and it never will be. The whole wrong is so broken. This is so wrong.
And he can't escape. That's what scares him most: the future. He can't stop drinking, he can't stop himself from all these thoughts and feelings that race down beneath the surface, and he can't stop the front he puts up that he's okay. Tony isn't sure what the future holds. He lives slowly, painfully, from moment to moment. Each decision is a mistake, every day is another day where Tony Stark, failure at all he attempts, will hurt his friends and break. He's breaking, he's crumbling under pressure and he can't escape. His entire life will be like this, over and over again until no one cares about him any more and he dies alone, a victim of overwork and perfectionism.
Vodka isn't strong enough. His friends smell the hard liquor on him, but they don't identify it. They have no idea what happened last night. They didn't see him cry and drink until he was too dizzy to drink any more. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Things aren't supposed to be so hard. Things were never this hard before. His father used to make him feel like nothing was wrong. There was no pressure. As he lay sprawled out on the floor last night, he realized that he could feel his heart beating, his pulse, all over his body. It was faint and inconsistant, and it slowed with time. Tony wondered if he was dying. He felt alone, and, he admitted to himself, hurting. That wasn't going to get any better by sitting here killing himself slowly. He had to try to make things right. He had to make things up to Pepper and Rhodey, or it would end up being too late. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want this.
It's time to stop giving up real life, and star living it.