Part II: Hopes and Fears
5:32 A.M.
"Are you awake?"
His voice…so soft and needy pulled me from the fitful cloud I was in. In remembering our past I had somehow fallen into a semi daze filled sleep. Dreams of our childhood together and what we went through to get this far ahead of the game still fluttered through my mind.
"What's the matter?"
I needn't have asked. I knew he was worried about what would become of us. But I was never quite sure if what I worried about was what he had also focused on as well.
"I don't know…" his voice whispered back in the darkness, "I can't help feeling like we're being sucked down into a deep chasm of self doubt. Did we do the right thing? Do you think we did?"
I pushed my body back against his…forcing his arms around me. With all the will in my body I tried to drive the strength I knew he needed so badly into his. I couldn't answer his questions. To do so would condemn us both to the hell we had been running from for the past five months. I knew if I just held him close he would fall asleep and no longer worry. I had that power over him.
He sighed into my hair, but it wasn't the sigh of contentment that meant he was on his way back into the state of unconsciousness. He was breathing deeply, concentrating on the smell of my hair and my body. He had told me many times that he did this just in case…in case I suddenly disappeared from his life again.
"You didn't answer my questions. You do that a lot you know."
The soft timbre of his voice surprised me. I hadn't expected the acknowledgement of my avoidance. He never noticed it before now…and if he did he just didn't mention it.
"I wasn't aware that I knew all the answers…"
I felt the soft wisps of breath in my hair before I actually heard his laughter.
"Well, most of the time you claim to."
His arms tightened around me for a brief second before relaxing once more.
"I just…I can't…I can't lose you again. I don't think I can go through that all again. It damn near killed me as it was."
"I know…" My voice hitched with the every word I spoke.
I wanted to take his mind away from the bad days. If I could make him face the better days of our lives then maybe we could harbor some hope for the future.
"Tell me a story…one of our past…the cabin maybe?"
"Why don't you tell it? You're so much better at it than me."
I relented. He knew I would. For my piece of mind, I knew it would mean he would fall asleep to the gentle tones of my voice.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to face the questions that I had no answers to.
Summer of 1988
The fathoms of the heart can associate deeply with the mind. I took in everything when it came to Mykel. His pain and grief never quite matched the extent of my own, but I knew without a doubt that he was far more important to me than I cared to admit. Perhaps it was those qualities I saw in him that made me put up with him with things I normally wouldn't have.
In all, I never quite knew what it was that drew me into his world.
His outlook on life was cheerful. I knew that deep below the facade of that cheerfulness something dark and malicious was eating at his soul. Eventually that darkness would overtake his mind and turn him into something he couldn't accept. It was all just a matter of time. It was also inevitable in the future we now possessed.
In the beginning, I knew it was her that attracted him to me. When he appeared at my door, he would make me come outside to visit. His eyes always turning to the house next to mine in hopes of seeing her face. His obsession had run deeper than I had first thought…and I knew I could only help him by not saying anything. I couldn't make him turn away from the one solid thing he had ever had in his life…no more than I could now turn away from him.
Things began to change as summer drifted into fall. Instead of calling and checking to see if he could come over, he got into the habit of just dropping by. He learned to walk right through the front door without knocking. He would drag me into the basement to talk about the things that bothered him, and what was going on in both of our lives. I never had much to put into the conversation. I could tell him about my constant fights with my sister…but my life was boring compared to his.
We were young…bordering on an age that would soon require us to make more important decisions. Our lives were changing faster than we could handle. I kept him as my lifeboat. Whenever anything got to be too much for my mind, I could call him up and I knew he would be there for me. It was comforting to have that closeness with someone once again.
Two weeks before we were to begin high school I asked him to go camping with my family. Each one of my sisters and me were allowed to bring a guest up to the cabin we visited every year. I had never invited anyone…including Sarah. That week away from her had always been a time that I could just be myself, so I relished it to the full extent.
He didn't hesitate for moment before agreeing to go. I knew that his parents would allow him to go…and my parents had suggested it that morning. Still, the words didn't sink in to my brain. It took me a few moments before realizing he had agreed. I was expecting him to say no for the simple fact that he wouldn't get a chance to watch for Sarah every day. I didn't know quite how to react.
He either didn't notice my flustered look or chose to not pay attention to it. He was good at ignoring my frustrations time and again…especially when they dealt with him. He could do it with such impunity.
So for the moment it seemed as though my world was becoming much more stable. I began thinking less and less of death and more of what the future would hold. It was so uncertain…as most things are.
The trip to the cabin that year was a new experience for me. From the moment we arrived it felt different. It was with total trepidation when I realized why everything had suddenly changed. His eyes were no longer drawn towards an uncaring void. For once I knew he was only there in friendship. Mykel was no longer using me to see her. Our friendship had become a two way street.
I foolishly believed that this meant the end of my problems. I finally had a person that was beginning to fill the void that possessed so much of my soul. I knew I would never lose him now that he had entered my life.
In the mountains, everything feels different. You're so far away from civilization that the world can appear to be your friend. You can wander throughout the wilderness and not worry about what's harming you most. It's suddenly just you against nature.
From the moment we arrived at the cabin that year, I knew that I was to be in a whole new world. For the past three years I would stick close to the cabin…afraid of what the wilderness held. Mykel changed that within the first hour of being there. Before I could even utter that I didn't want to wander, he had me a half a mile away from the cabin.
That was to be our presence for almost the entire week. From the moment we awoke we would be off and running.
The nights terrified me. Mykel had insisted that we would sleep outside so that there would be enough room in the cabin for the fourteen other people that had come along. With great reluctance I had helped him set up the pup tent that we would be sleeping in for an entire week.
I was never quite sure if he truly accepted my fears of deep darkness. All I knew was that I was to be alone and terrified of everything around me. It didn't matter that he would be lying in a sleeping bag next to mine. It would feel like I was alone.
I ate dinner slowly that night. I was dreading having to go to sleep. I didn't want to even face the walk outside the cabin towards the little tent that was to be our only shelter.
Eventually I had no choice. It was well past ten o'clock and I had to face the darkness. I stood at the door to the cabin and stared outside with dread. I knew that everyone inside was staring at me. But that didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I was terrified to even take one single step.
In the end it was Mykel that helped me once more. He walked around me and held out his hand without hesitation. I didn't think twice about the gesture. I took his hand and he led me carefully outside into the darkness. He didn't make a sound the entire way to the tent…even when I gripped his hand so hard it must have hurt.
As soon as we were safely inside the tent our hands parted. I couldn't see his eyes…but I knew instinctively that he was waiting for me to climb into my sleeping bag. He was protecting me in ways that no one else ever had before.
I was lying in my bag for quite a while before I heard his voice softly speaking to me. His words were so soft that I had to strain to hear him.
"Dani...do you ever wonder if maybe this isn't the only life we've lived? I mean maybe we knew each other in a past life and that's why we're the way we are with each other."
I knew he couldn't see me…but he had to have heard my gasp of surprise. It took a few moments for me to actually respond.
"Mykel…I don't know what to believe right now. All I know is that you're the only person I trust right now. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I do you."
"Then why do you hide parts of yourself from me?" The question was valid. I knew it as did he…but it wasn't something I was willing to acknowledge yet.
"I can't let myself care about anyone right now. After everything that happened with Sarah, I just don't know how much I can take." My words hung in the air, despite that I had merely whispered them.
"Goodnight Danielle." Our talk was over…just like that. I knew I had angered him with my words; it was etched in his voice. But I also knew that there was nothing I could do about it now.
"Night Ely." I couldn't help the sarcasm from tainting my words.
If he could be mad then I could be as well. Even though I was certain his reasons were more valid than my own.
Sometime after 3 a.m.
Someone was shaking me. A scream rose in my throat and a hand clenched over my mouth before it could escape.
"Danielle, calm down. It's just me. You were crying and screaming out for…for someone." His body shuddered at his own words. He was scared…I felt it in the way he was holding me.
Reaching up with both hands I pulled his from my mouth.
"Mykel, get the hell off of me!"
I couldn't hide my anger. I should've known that the anger wasn't at him. I was angry with myself. I didn't want him to know of my dreams. I would never be able to explain the true extent of the pain they enveloped into my being.
Instead of pulling away, he did the opposite. His arms crawled around my back and he pulled me into a fierce hug. I sat there with my arms at my side…unsure of what to do.
"Danielle, why didn't you tell me? I mean…I knew you had nightmares, but this…this is…" His voice cracked. It sounded as if he was crying.
"It's what? Are you trying to say I'm crazy Ely Mykel? Because if you are, I swear to god, I will not hesitate to kick you out of this tent and call every bear that's in the neighborhood to come and tear…" He interrupted me with a hand across my mouth once more.
"Danielle Leigh Torris…you wouldn't dare. Besides, that would leave you out here in the dark. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" There was something evil in his voice that made my body tense. I couldn't understand how he could make fun of me that way. His words were like tiny knifes in my spine…each one digging deeper and causing more pain.
He realized his mistake only seconds later. Without saying another word I pushed my body weight against him and sent him flying back to his sleeping bag. I couldn't resist smiling when I heard his voice muttering obscenities about being tossed around like a sack of potatoes. And much less that a girl had done it.
Eventually I couldn't take anymore. His muttering was so humorous that I started to relax. The laughter bubbled up from my lips before I could stop it. Before long I was laughing so hard that tears streamed down my cheeks. That's when the attack came. It was something I had expected so he didn't take me too much by surprise.
Our play fighting was mostly one sided. I was locked in the tight grip of one of his hands while the other one mercilessly dug into my sides to find ticklish spots. My laughter was even more pronounced as I asked, begged, and eventually pleaded for him to stop.
He didn't stop…or even back off a little bit. Instead he just kept asking ridiculous questions about how funny I thought it was that a girl could throw him that far.
"Would you guys knock it off and go to sleep!" My sister's voice echoed from the cabin and Mykel immediately stopped tickling me. I felt him pull away and knew that we were once again backing into our play it safe facade.
Eventually, we settled down. I ached to reach over to him and hold him close. But my body was unwilling. I was only fourteen and unprepared for what I was certain would follow. Instead, I settled in and prepared myself to drift back into a sleep that would hopefully be peaceful.
The minutes passed by slowly. I was nearly asleep when I felt him reach for me. It seemed perfectly natural for his arms to pull me close. I was thankful for the sleeping bags that separated our bodies. It would have been too much to feel his warmth through only our night clothes…it would have been too risky.
For now, I knew his arms would have to do. In the soft haze of sleep I felt his lips press lightly against my forehead and knew that this was where I belonged.
I would never let him go.
The week passed by quickly for us. Our nights were long, filled with chatter of people and places we loved. I was thankful that my nightmare didn't appear again. The only downfall would be that he didn't hold me the way he had that first night. We slept in our own sleeping bags. At times we seemed miles away from one another.
It was our last day at the cabin before we even approached what was to become of our friendship. We both knew that when school started the next week, our visits would be cut down to weekends and an occasional evening. It would be worse for me. I still had no other friends whom I trusted.
We were walking down the road that led to the cabin when he spoke. It took me by surprise at first. Our silence on our ventures was something I enjoyed. I never had to pretend…I could just wander beside him and absorb in the nature that lay before my eyes.
"Here…"
I turned towards him. His eyes glanced over mine then slipped away slowly. His arms were stretched out towards me. In his hands he held a single flower.
"For you…"
I could tell that he was unsure of what I would think. He was nervous…his eyes darting between mine and the trees behind me.
I smiled. It was a completely different situation that I was used to, but I knew he would relax once I did so. I took the flower gently and placed under my nose to smell the sweet perfume of it.
"Put it in your hair Dani." He reached his hands out almost as if he was going to run them through my wavy red hair, and then pulled back.
"I think it will bring out the color of your eyes."
"Thank you Mykel." I turned away before he could see the expression I knew was on my face. I couldn't divulge myself to him yet. I couldn't scare him with my depths of feeling that I knew were becoming too prominent to hide.
We began walking again. I began talking to him. It was everything and nothing that led to our conversation. I knew that it couldn't wait for much longer. I had to tell him how I felt.
"Mykel…I don't know how to ask you this…" He stopped next to me and I turned towards him.
"When you start school…are you going still come over for visits?"
"Paranoid Danielle?"
His eyebrows arched upwards. The expression seemed comical from him. I couldn't understand it but the very thought of him calling me paranoid made me want to laugh.
"Not quite Mykel. I just don't want a good friendship to go to waste. I care…" I took a deep breath, knowing this would help me find out what he really thought of our friendship.
"I care about you Mykel. I just don't know how you…" my voice trailed away despite my earlier courage.
"How I feel?"
I could only nod my head towards him. My eyes were glued to the ground that seemed covered with versions of the purple flower he had just presented to me. I felt his hand on my chin. I let him turn my head towards his. When our eyes locked I felt myself fall once more.
"Danielle…I care about you. I really do. In the past two years…well four months, you have come to mean a lot to me. You are my best friend. The only person I can trust enough to know that you will never hurt me. So, you want to know if we'll still be friends? I don't see any way to say no to that."
I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs. He loved me…he truly loved me!
It took a moment before I actually analyzed his words enough to think them through. Not once had he said he loved me. He thought of me as a friend. Nothing more…nothing less.
I smiled at him. If that was the only way I could have him in my life…then saints be damned, that is the way he would remain.
High school started the same way middle school had started for me. I still had a few friends from the past that I could hang around with, but all of it seemed empty. I wanted Mykel there. If he was beside me I could face anything that they threw my way.
But I didn't have that option. Our high schools were miles apart from one another. I was as alone as I could ever be. It just felt worse because I knew what true friendship felt like now.
Eventually I made more friends. I grew to trust a few of them enough to let them into my dark mind. But they accepted me for who I was. They never turned away when I discussed my visions. They would listen with complete consideration and even suggest ways of getting through those sleepless nights.
I had one friend in particular that knew me better than even I thought. But she was extremely perceptive to my life. She guessed my secrets before I even had a chance to say them aloud as it was.
To some degree, I knew that she understood the pain I went through. Her father was in the military and I knew that she could understand why I was so withdrawn from other people. She stood beside me for everything…including confrontations with Sarah.
Eventually, I grew to trust her. She had been in middle school with me and seemed to be a link to Mykel when he wasn't around. But she was also more to me.
Mykel had all but disappeared from my life in a way. He ran his life miles away from where I led mine. I talked to him a few times on the phone…but we seemed to lose some of the closeness we had shared over the summer. I didn't know quite how to get that back, and the thought of losing him completely shook me to the core to even think about it.
His calls decreased more and more over time until it was just me calling him. Once every other week I would pick up the phone and dial the number I now knew by heart. Occasionally he would answer it and we would talk for a brief amount of time. More often than not, his mother or brother would answer and say he was out. I called several times and just let the phone ring for hours when nobody answered. It was my way of hanging on to something I knew was gradually slipping away.
I couldn't help remembering our time at the cabin. I felt betrayed at his words of friendship and always remaining so. I couldn't understand how he could say everything he had and still drift away as he was doing.
The answers came with a call from him one night. I was hopeful at the first sound of his voice…but that quickly turned to dread when I heard what he was saying.
I listened to him talk about a girl he met. She was the love of his life according to him. But they were fighting about something. This was his reason for calling. I was soon to realize that this would be the basis of our relationship for the next four years. He would only call when a girl had done something to make him mad…or hurt him.
To hear his voice I would have to listen to his dreams of other girls. It was too late to let him go. I was in too deep. I would have to suffer and be patient through it all.
I began to date boys from school to ease the pain. I was never fair to them…always searching for parts of Mykel in them. As soon as I realized they were nothing like him I would break away from them. They weren't worth the time to me.
My friend Michele just sat back and watched as I did all of this. She understood my pain…but she thought it was for different reasons. She thought it was from the years I spent moving around as a child. The difficulty in letting people get too close was an after effect to her.
Our first year passed in much that same way. I would occasionally date a boy, and then dump him a week later. It was in this way that I got bitten. I was so wrapped up in my own little world of pain that I never saw what I was putting other people through until it was too late. It was to be one of those boys that I so carelessly tossed aside that would make me see this.
He was two years older than I was. His eyes and hair were dark in the same way Mykel's were. For that, and only that, I asked him out. He seemed flustered at first, but accepted almost immediately. We were a couple before anyone knew the difference. In high school that means much more than most people realize.
I stayed with him longer than most. For almost two months I wouldn't let him leave my side. He was allowed to hold my hand in public but nothing more. I didn't want the world to see what I considered to be private.
In the darkness of night I would allow him to kiss me. It never went further than that though. In a way I knew I was keeping my distance. I wanted to make love to only one man…and it would be Mykel in the end. I would save myself for him and only him.
It was during our last date that I knew I had to let go. I was beginning to care for this boy more than I wanted to. It would be better to just cut my ties and run.
I told him in darkness…not looking into those eyes that reminded me so much of Mykel's. I explained that I couldn't be around him any longer, that I didn't care for him the way that he cared for me and that it would be better to end it before we both got hurt. But John said something that made me realize what I was doing to others and myself. His reply cut me like a knife in my heart.
"Dani, you have a real problem with intimacy. Something has your heart and now that it's in that cage you refuse to open it up again. I can't compete against that. Your walls are too thick and too tall for anyone to cut through. I have to agree that we should end this now. But there's only one problem…you've already hurt me. You hurt me the day you refused to open your heart to me." He was quiet for a moment before turning back towards me.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to help you."
Without speaking another word I got out of his car and walked into my house. Every sentence, every word, cut deeply into what I once considered to be a solid foundation.
I cried that night…muffling the sobs into my pillow so that no one would know. I knew I was trapped in this deep pit of darkness, with Mykel as my only life raft. But he was becoming more and more someone I should hate instead of love.
I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn away from him…no matter what the cost.
Towards the end of my ninth grade year, my friend Michele found out her dad was getting transferred. She would be moving to Germany. We vowed to stay in touch forever…both of us knowing that the results could or could not happen.
I threw her a small going away party…inviting everyone we knew. We had very few people there. For reasons still unknown to me, Sarah even showed up. We let her stay…despite the fact that I didn't get along with her, a few of our friends still did.
Mykel was invited, but never showed up. He ended up going out to a movie with the girl I was to hate. He claimed to love her. I just didn't know what to believe anymore.
But the party was fun. We laughed and played music well into the night. When it came time for everyone to leave, everyone wished Michele a safe trip and asked her to keep in touch.
On the day she left I let her in on my secret. I told her of my past with Mykel and everything I now felt for him. She just hugged me and told me to do what I knew in my heart. In the end that would lead me to where I was supposed to be.
She left me standing in my doorway. I was confused…but at least I could finally have someone who knew the truth about my heart. It was no longer a prisoner to only myself.
We went back to the cabin the next summer. Mykel went with us again…but this time the talk was mostly of Cathy and how much he loved her. In that one week everything went back almost to what we had before.
We had been there for three days when I woke up from my nightmare that still persisted to haunt my nights. Mykel once again woke up with me but this time he had a different reaction. He no longer claimed that what I said in my sleep didn't affect him. This time he actually asked me what the dream entailed.
"I don't really know all of it." I said to the darkness in the direction I knew him to be, "I only know how it makes me feel."
"What is it that makes you so afraid? Do you know that at least?" He was whispering to me despite the fact that no one could've heard us.
"I'm alone in the dark. Someone I care about deeply was ripped from me…taken in a way that only darkness can. I think it's knowing that I can't have that person back. There's a voice that tells me I am going to be alone for a very long time…" I paused, trying to find the right words, "It's almost like I have no control. That is what scares me the most."
"Danielle…do you believe in fate? That humans have no free will and everything is predestined?"
The question made me think for a moment.
"Mykel, I think that everyone has a choice in what they do…but no matter what, it is already in motion. Everything we do is going to bring the same results. This is what my dream tells me every time I have it. I can't believe otherwise."
"Do you know who you call out to when you have these nightmares? Are you at all familiar with the name?" I heard the catch in his voice but chose to ignore it.
"No. All I know is that whoever it is, he was very important to me. I don't want to live without him. He is the very essence of my being."
Mykel remained quiet for a long time after that. I began to grow tired waiting for his response. My eyes drifted more and more until I could no longer keep them open. He stayed where he was…his breathing never once altering.
I knew why moments later. He crawled into my sleeping bag with me and curled his body around mine with absolutely no hesitation.
"I'm cold…"
I didn't question it. I just relaxed next to his warmth and slowly drifted into the peaceful sleep that only he could bring to me.
Tenth grade came and went much the same as ninth. I no longer had Michele around to talk to, and Mykel had gone back to his world that remained hidden beyond my eyes.
I kept in touch with Michele…sending her letters and pictures of everything I was doing. I wrote to her and constantly told her about what Mykel was doing and how much I hated but loved him. I was in stasis…never quite sure of which way to turn.
I still dated the same way as well. For some reason, I kept hoping that Mykel would try to stop me. It was a foolish way of thinking, but yet another habit I couldn't break free of. I could only wonder now and then if he ever thought about me. We were down to talking once every few months…and that was only because I still made the effort to call him.
It's amazing how fast time can go when you're not paying attention. Eleventh grade was halfway done when I finally paused to glance around. Before I could even think about it I had my driver's license and a car to back it up. This thought made me happy. It meant that I could see Mykel more often.
He got his that same year which meant that we were now able to run as wild as we could. There would be many times that he would just stop by my house for no reason. It was during one of these occasional visits I was to learn the true extent of how he felt about me.
I was getting ready for bed. Since I had a bedroom downstairs and all of my sisters had moved at this point I felt no need to be modest. I would run around in short little nightgowns. They tended to cover just enough that I wouldn't get in trouble by my parents. It didn't matter that I was the only one living in the basement. All that mattered to them was that I was covered when company came over.
That was the problem with Mykel. Because he never announced his visits he often caught me in these nightgowns. It was never anything big though. There was nothing in his eyes when he looked at me. I was never sure if it was because it was me or because he really didn't find me appealing enough.
It was during one of these visits that I found out for sure. I was wearing one of my particularly revealing nightgowns when I heard footsteps pounding down the stairs. I wasn't sure if it was him or my mother so I didn't even think to change. I just walked out of my room and ran smack dab into his chest.
It took a moment to catch my breath…but when I did I glanced up at his face. The expression that met me was full of fierce wanting and desire that I had never expected to see directed at me.
My breathing that I had fought to get back after running into him was altered again. This time I knew that I was not alone in wanting him. I knew he wanted me just as much.
His arms that had gone around me when I ran into him tightened their grip. My hands snaked around him to pull him closer as well.
It was at that moment I knew he was going to kiss me. I could see the flicker of emotions running through his eyes…the pupils dilated, the color changing to a dusky green. His head tilted forward towards mine and I closed my eyes.
This was the moment that I knew everything would change. From the moment he kissed me we would not be able to turn away from each other. I felt his breath on my lips…a mere millimeter away from mine.
The soft touch of his lips never came. Instead he pulled away suddenly. I will never know what made him realize what we were about to do at that moment. Never know why he pulled away when we were that close. I could only stand there in front of him…felling dejected but trying not to show it.
"Go get dressed. I want you to come over for a while. I'm having some friends over and I knew you would have fun."
It wasn't a question of whether or not I wanted to go. It was a statement through and through. After what had just happened I wasn't about to take orders from him.
"Mykel…did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to go?"
He smiled and I knew there was an apology in there somewhere. "Just get dressed. Please…I need a friend that I know will make sure everything is safe."
So reluctantly I went to put some clothes on. I knew that I could fight tooth and nail and still he would stand there until I was ready to walk out the door. I never did have a choice where he was concerned.
A few friends were exactly what there were. What Mykel had failed to tell me was that they were all guys. I was the only girl and I wasn't quite sure why I was even there. I sat in a chair watching as these seven boys got high and tried to impress me. It was defiantly not a situation I was used to.
Eventually, hours later, we were all sitting around when one of the guys asked if Mykel had ever kissed me. It was an odd question on the night that I had come so very close to doing just that. But reluctantly I had to tell them no…as Mykel had been insisting since the question was asked.
One of the boys was a friend that I had known along with Mykel in middle school. The entire turn of events that followed was his doing. I know that. It was now a challenge to be met. Mykel had to kiss me by the end of the night.
I laughed at the thought. It was with total judiciousness that I said I could kiss every guy in that room and Mykel still would not kiss me. I knew it as well as him.
What I never expected was the challenge. I was to play spin the bottle with all of them. Bill brought down the bottle from upstairs and handed it to me. If the bottle landed on Mykel then I could kiss him. But it was also the same for any other boy in the room.
I couldn't figure out if I was up for this challenge. I knew that Mykel would protect me if anyone thought they were going to get more…but I was still leery. I had never been in a situation with so many boys vying for my attention. In part I really liked it.
So because of that last thought…because I knew I liked the attention, I twirled the bottle. It landed on a guy named Mark. I walked over and lightly pecked him on the lips before going back to the bottle.
I had spun the bottle four times when it landed on Bill. There was something about him that made me laugh. In middle school I had always thought of him as funny, but now I just knew that if something were going to get to Mykel, it would be me kissing his best friend.
I didn't want to do it. I was against the thought of getting him jealous just to serve my intentions. But because of the way this game was started I figured I would finish it then and there.
I walked over to Bill and placed my lips softly against his. Before I knew what was happening I was in his lap and he wouldn't let me back up. I pulled away slightly but there was nothing I could do. I was trapped.
There were no words for what happened next. Mykel was next me in a heartbeat…pulling me away from Bill and demanding he leave. I could see the jealous rage and anger that was enveloping his features until they were nearly indistinguishable from the soft features he normally kept.
Bill left without much of a fight. It wasn't long before everyone else started drifting home as well. Everyone said good-bye to me…each one apologizing for Bill's behavior.
When we were alone his anger came out full force.
"What the hell did you think you were doing Danielle?"
I turned towards him, my face contorted with the rage he never expected.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to kiss them? Maybe I'm a slut Mykel…Maybe you just don't know me at all!"
His face fell and I knew there was something I said that finally affected him the way I wanted it to…despite the fact that it was a complete lie.
"Who the hell do you think you are anyway? If you're fucking jealousy hadn't have gotten in the way maybe I could've taken him home with me. At least I know for sure how he feels about me!"
I walked out of his house before realizing that he had driven me there. I didn't care at that point. I would walk home before facing him again. Even though I knew he was right.
I got halfway down the street before I realized the true extent of my words. I sat down on the ground hard…feeling the burning sensation in the back of my eyes that indicated tears. I fought against them. There was no way I was going to allow him to put me into that place. He didn't deserve my tears…much less my heart.
I heard the truck before I saw it. His eyes searched through the darkness to lock onto me and hold me close until he reached me. The truck was still running when he hopped out and came running over to me.
The look on his face was all I needed to see. He regretted his words…I could tell by the way he held his chin that he was going to apologize. I spoke before he could though.
"Mykel…look I'm sorry. You're right. It was a dangerous game to play…but the thing is I knew you would protect me if anything got out of hand. After all…what are friends for?"
"No Danielle…" I glanced at him in surprise. It took me a moment before realizing there was something he wasn't telling me. But instead of continuing his voice trailed off.
"What is it Mykel? What are you not telling me?" My words were etched with the worry that I now felt.
"I…I wanted you to come over tonight so that we could talk. I never knew that would happen. I…" His voice trailed away once more.
"What the hell are you trying to tell me?"
"Dani…Cathy broke up with me today. I just didn't want to be alone tonight." Mykel's breathing hitched with each word.
"I…I wanted to go back to when we were the cabin and be happy. I didn't know how to do that without you. So I picked you up."
Even now don't know why I laughed. Maybe it was the fact that she was gone from his life. I wouldn't have to listen to his dreams about her. Maybe it was that I wanted him to suffer through what I did daily without him. Or maybe it was just the irony of the situation. The very fact that he was now fighting for a time that I fought to get back every day.
All I know is that when I heard those words, I began to laugh. There was no way that I would know he would cry. How could he not? I was supposed to be his best friend and I was sitting on the ground laughing at his pain.
He turned away from me…sitting on the ground next to me hard. I heard his sobs, but it took a moment before I could compose myself.
I grew silent. It was a long time before he spoke to me again. We sat there on the ground for quite awhile. I didn't touch him or console him and he never once reached for me the way he had always done before. I could only reflect on these things that seemed to be changing around us. I felt like I was losing him in the haze of growing up. I felt like I was losing what I had of myself as well.
When he finally did speak to me, I knew that he wasn't angry at my laughter. His words were laced with an entirely different emotion than I was used to. He sounded like a four year old that was afraid to be denied.
"Danielle, can you spend the night tonight?"
"I don't know Mykel…can you behave yourself?" My words drew a small smile from his face.
"I can if you can. I know I'm awfully hard to resist." I laughed again but this time I knew he was better.
"Mykel, how did you ever get so full of yourself? You are not all that you seem to think you are." His laughter filled the air around us and I knew that it was going to be all right.
He stood up then. His hand reached down and pulled me up next to him. I felt his arms go around me for the second time that night. But this time it was different.
This was the hug you give a friend.
I accepted it with no qualms. I never asked for forgiveness of my actions. He never told me he needed it. But I knew that was what he needed more than anything.
I stayed the night. Nothing happened…but when I woke up he was there. He was curled around me like he had been at the cabin. I turned in his arms and studied his face with all the underlying curiosity I had for him.
I was still watching him when his eyes opened and focused on mine.
"See anything you like Danielle?"
I didn't answer him. He didn't need an answer.
I snuggled my body closer to his and sighed.
"Mykel…?" My voice was hesitant. I wasn't sure if he had gone back to sleep or not.
"What Dani?"
"Do you think we'll make it? That we can stay friends forever?" My words hitched back and forth between emotions.
"Forever is a long time Dani. I just don't know."
End part II