Kaen: I can't believe it, Fang! Look at all these reviews!

Fang: There's just five…

Kaen: Well, it's a lot to me! Especially for just the first chapter!

Fang: Yeah, I guess…

Kaen: You could be a LITTLE enthusiastic, you know! This is great!

Fang: Okay then…*puts on fake-cheery voice* Woo-hoo! Go reviews and stuff!

Kaen: …Well, at least you tried. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! You have no idea how exciting it is to know that you guys like my story!

Fang: Yeah, arigatō and stuff.

Kaen: I'm teaching Fang Japanese!

Fang: Joy, joy. I'm becoming cultured!

Kaen: Well, you're already an avian ninja.

Fang: Yeah, I guess I am. Hey, Kaen, don't you need to add something?

Kaen: Oh, yeah, I do: I do not own Maximum Ride or any of the characters. Except my Eraser pack. Now, without further disclaimers, let's get on with this chapter!

~0~

Max's POV

It's a normal day. Sun shining, breezes blowing everything gently around, skies bright and clear, clouds fluffy and white. I don't know how the others are spending this average-perfect day, but I have decided to spend it online.

Today quizzes dominate my attention. Love quizzes, personality quizzes, friends quizzes, fun quizzes, a lot of random quizzes, and even (I'm so ashamed…) Twilight quizzes.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Through countless online quizzes, I've discovered that I am a pair of sneakers, a volcanic eruption, a carrot-cake cupcake, a forest, a Jojo Who from Dr. Seuss, a fiction book, Marge Simpson, a forest deer, a blueberry popsicle, Cerberus, a pencil sharpener, and a trumpet.

I've also discovered that my boy name is Max (Stop laughing!), my soulmate will be a vampire (Fang could be…You never know), my sense of humor makes me unique (Yeah…Of course), I should live in the 1960's (I'm not a freaking hippie, whatever Gazzy and Iggy say!), I would never make it as a spy (That one earned a lovely 'Charging off' joke from Total), my mind is yellow (How does that happen?), I would die in an alien invasion and a zombie infestation (If that's what I'm supposed to save the world from, then I guess the world is screwed), and I should be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for Halloween (Me in a blue and white checkered dress, complete with Total riding along in a little basket and demanding Bacon. Yeah right…).

Right now I was trying to find out what Nintendo girl I am. Maybe Princess Zelda or Samus Aran. I never did find out because just then I was interrupted by a certain someone in my head.

Hello, Maximum, the Voice said. I groaned. Long time, no hear, Voice. What do you want from my life?

Nothing really, was the Voice's surprising answer. I just wanted to let you know that I think there's a landscaping company named after you.

"There's what?" I said, sitting bolt upright in my chair. "What are you talking about?"

Yep. Maximum Landscaping and Tree Service. Google it, why don't you?

I was surprised, but still curious, so I Googled the name. Sure enough, there were the links to the company's website and Stalkerbook page. Oh, wait, did I say Stalkerbook? I meant Facebook. Yeah. That's what I meant.

[A/N Yes, it is a real company. My friend and I see their trucks passing from time to time and joke that someone named a landscaping company after Max, so I decided to include the joke here.]

"Why does a landscaping company have to have a Facebook or anything, anyway?" I asked no one in particular.

Because Facebook is taking over the world. Just like Starbucks.

"I mean, I saw an ad in Kohl's saying to follow them on Twitter. What would a department store chain tweet?"

No idea, Max. Maybe they'd tweet about –

"No, that would just be stupid," said a rough, familiar voice behind me. I recognized that voice…But it couldn't be! I whipped around so fast the chair spun off its legs and I crashed onto the thankfully carpeted floor. The same voice laughed for a second, then spoke again. "Hey, Max. You happy to see me?"

"Ari!" I cried in a high-pitched voice, leaping to my feet. I couldn't believe it, but there was my dead half-brother, leaning casually against the door frame. "How are you here? You're dead! I saw you expire! We buried you!"

Ari laughed again. "I see you're just as impolite as ever. You don't even bother to say hello to me after I came all this way just to see you," he said in a mock-hurt voice.

"I'm glad to see you again, Ari, but how did you get here?" I shouted.

"Well, as you so bluntly pointed out, I'm dead," Ari explained. "So I can move between the afterlife and the world of the living. Except here, I'm a ghost. WOOOOOOOOOO! And it's good you're glad to see me because you're – "

But I wasn't listening. A ghost? No way. I'm hallucinating.

"Oh, for Fnick's sake…Gazzy! Nudge! Iggy!" I said, spotting them through Ari's transparent form outside the door.

"What?" they all asked at the same time. They sounded...suspicious for some reason. I wondered about it, then saw the wrapped packages in their hands, which they were trying to conceal as best they could. I couldn't see what they were (and they clearly didn't want me to) but I was too busy with either my having hallucinations of Ari or him actually returning from the dead as a ghost to be concerned with whatever they were doing. I did, however, notice the address the packages had come from: Red & Maple Costume Company. Well, at least it's not Itex, I thought dismissively.

"Do you guys see Ar – I mean, is there something in my doorway?"

"No, I don't see anything in your doorway," Iggy said. "Actually, I don't see anything at all. I'm blind."

"We know," Gazzy, Nudge, Ari, and I said at the same time.

"Wait, Max, I think there is something in your doorway," Gazzy said, looking at it intently.

"What is it? What do you see?" I asked.

"It's this thing called air," Gazzy laughed. "It's all around us, Max!"

"Not funny, Gazzy!" I snapped.

The three of them chuckled together, and then walked off. I was not amused. Ari was laughing too. "If you hadn't interrupted me before, you'd have heard me say that it's good you're glad to see me, because you're the only one who can."

"What?" I asked. "Why didn't you tell – Oh, wait, you did."

"So," Ari said, closing the door and stepping closer to me (How did he close the door? He was a transparent ghost…hallucination…vision…thing). "The rest of the flock will probably think you've gone totally freaking bananas if you say you're seeing my ghost."

"Wait, so I'm not hallucinating?"

No, Max, but judging from what I sense from him, you'll soon wish you were.

"And why might that be, Voice?" I muttered.

Because I believe there are cures for hallucinations. There are, however, no pills or treatments for a bored Eraser who feels like making up for seven years of not being able to play his role of annoying little brother.

"Oh, great," I growled, and then I remembered something. "Hey, Ari, when we were talking before about Kohl's having a Facebook page, you answered the Voice? Can you hear it?"

"Yeah," he answered casually. Before I could ask how, he said, "I'm a ghost, it's what I do."

"Okay then…" I said, a little annoyed at his lack of a halfway decent explanation. "And I suppose it can read your thoughts too?"

"Bingo."

"So exactly what does the Voice mean by that I'll wish I was hallucinating instead of actually seeing you?" I asked.

"Because, Max, you're going to experience what happens when your perverted friend gives you and your probably-gay friend spiked Gatorade."

"But…Iggy never spiked my Gatorade! Or Dylan's!"

Wait, I thought Fang was the gay one –

"Shut up, Voice!"

…Figgy. Just figgy.

"I was talking about my Eraser friends," Ari corrected me. "You know, the ones with personality."

"Oh, that makes more sense. But," I said, growing apprehensive, "I can imagine what would happen if Iggy did spike the Gatorade, or something like that, and it's traumatizing. So what happened with you?"

Ari smiled devilishly. "We found a song. And a dance. And yes, it will be…traumatizing."

He's right about that, Max. It's very, very traumatizing. It's going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life, and I'm a Voice.

"Ari…" I wasn't sure what to say, but Ari was.

He struck a slightly ridiculous pose and yelled, "Music, my disembodied maestro!"

Oh, well. If I must, said the Voice. And then a repetitive hip hop beat started to boom in my head. "Hey!" I yelped, shocked. "You're just a voice! How is there music?"

I play music too. I'm also a living stereo system, you see. Well, kind of living. You get my point, don't you?

"No, I don't get your point!" I snapped. "There's never any point to any of the things you tell me, Voice! And another thi – Ari? Hey, Ari? What…what are you doing?"

Ari had begun to dance, slowly at first, but it quickly got faster. It was a stereotypical hip hop-at-a-night-club kind of dance, but it was the weirdest I'd ever seen. It included hip swivels combined with pelvic thrusts, the scuba-diver move where you raise a hand, hold your nose, and sink to the floor, lots of shaking around, and suggestive movement of the derriere. That's when I noticed his pants.

Skintight, sheer black leather pantalones. On an Eraser. You can imagine the horror, can't you? "Uh, Ari?" I asked. "Why are you wearing leather pants?"

"Because they're the source of Bakura/Florence's power!"

"What the Fnick are you talking about?"

"Never mind, I'll tell you later. Okay, Voice dude, I'm gonna be Fergie. You're gonna sing the rest."

Oh, dear. Do I have to? Well, I suppose I must. Then the Voice began to sing. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

My eyes widened with growing apprehension. Was that the song I thought it was?

Ari sang next, and it was even more uncomfortable – that's the understatement of the millennium – to watch him do it with his masculine voice and Eraser body. "I'mma get, get, get, get you drunk, get you love-drunk off my hump! My hump, my hump; my hump, my hump, my hump…"

My jaw dropped open and I just stared. It was that song. Oh, for the love of Fnick…

"I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily! They treat me really nicely, they buy me all these icies! Dolce and Gabbana, Fendi and Adana! Carin' they be sharin', all their money got me wearing fly, whether I ain't askin'…"

Ari really looked like he was enjoying himself. It was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen in my life, which, if you think about it, is really saying something. "Ari!" I yelped. "Stop it!"

"I say no, but they keep givin', so I keep on takin' … Huh?" He stopped singing, but the music and dance went on. He smirked at me. "Why, what's the matter, Max? Don't you like this song? It's one of my friend Alessandro's favorites!"

"Um…no comment on that," I said. "Hey, wait, you discovered this song through spiked Gatorade with your friends?"

"Uh-huh. I don't think I ever really recovered, though," he said, and the shadow of frightening events crossed his face for a second. "But! I have officially learned the art of torturing people with various musical groups! Silver lining, huh?"

"Er…yeah, sure."

"Hey, Max, you seemed a little scared when you realized what we were singing."

We? Oh, please, young Batchelder, leave me out of this! I'm just a poor Voice!

"Oh, shut up, Voice!"

"Yeah, you only sing on your part! Stop hogging the spotlight!"

"That's not what I meant, Ari!"

"Well, never mind," he said. "But getting back to my point. You were a little scared. Did…you, perhaps, have a traumatic experience with 'Humps' too?"

"…Okay, never use that context or whatever it's called like that again. It's bringing on disturbing images."

Oh, sweet maple syrup, my eyes! Or whatever passes for eyes on me…Does anyone know what a Voice's eyes are?

"Well, did you?" Ari pressed.

"All right, yes!" I admitted. "It was a few months ago and it involved Iggy and Ella on cold meds, and carrot salad, space shuttles, explosives, turkeys, the Internet, and this song! Please don't make me say anything more about it, Ari."

Yes, please, Ari, neither of us needs to relive that.

"No need to, I can let my imagination fill in the rest," Ari said. Then he grinned evilly again. "But now I know it gets to you, so I'll do my best to traumatize you even more than that!"

"ARI! Don't you – "

But he cut me off and sang anyway. "And no, I ain't Satan! We can keep on datin'! Now keep on demonstratin' my love, my love, my love, my love, you love my lady lumps! My hump, my hump, my hump…" I really don't want to describe the dance moves he went into next. Way too much movement involving the leather-clad posterior.

"Okay, I can't take it anymore!" I clapped my hands to the sides of my head in an attempt to block out the music and Ari. But it didn't work.

"Hey, Voice, turn up the music! And sing! It's your part!"

Oh, fine…She's got me spending… The Voice paused for a moment. Hey, wait, do I say she or he?

"Just stick to the original lyrics, Voice!" Ari said, then continued to sing. "Oh, spending all your money on me, and spending time on me…"

The music blasted louder, and I couldn't ignore or block out either of their voices.

She's got me spending…

"Oh, spending all your money on me…up on me, on me…"

This was torture. I couldn't stand it for another minute! "I'm out of here!" I shouted, bolting out of the room so fast I blew right through the door.

Hm, the Voice mused. So a hole in the shape of the person running through the door is actually left. I didn't believe it.

"Shut up and sing, Voice dude!" Ari barked, jogging after me and keeping on my heels as I ran aimlessly around the top floor of the house.

That's an oxymoron, but all right. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? the Voice sang again.

"I'mma get, get, get, get you drunk, get you love-drunk off my hump!" He was still dancing flawlessly even while he was running backwards at my side. How does that happen?

I was frantically thinking of how to get myself out of this when I suddenly remembered something. Fang, being the Dark Prince of Emoness and Such, had once fished a Ouija board out of a Dumpster. He had been fascinated by it, and had gone on a supernatural kick, tirelessly searching for anything and everything having to do with ghosts, spirits, magic, the otherworld, apparitions, demons, death, et cetera. He'd grown bored and stopped after a while, but I knew he still had all of the old things shoved somewhere in his room. If anyone could try and get this ghost out of here, or at least shut him up, Fang might just be the one to do it.

"Fang!" I shouted, spinning around and dashing toward his room at the end of the hall. I flung the door open and slipped quickly inside. "Fang!"

I blinked, letting my eyes adjust to the sudden, complete darkness. The room was pitch-black, with the curtains drawn, and not a speck of light shone anywhere, save for the light streaming in from the hall. No, scratch that. There was a square of bluish-white light that glowed from the far right of the room. A computer. Fang's laptop.

"Whoa," said Ari, stepping in after me and looking around. "Eeeee-mo."

I ignored him and walked over to the laptop. "Fang?" I said. He didn't seem to be there, but then again, he could be pulling his disappearing act and be lying in wait to pounce from the shadows and scare the crap out of me. But that concern flew out of my mind when I reached the laptop and saw the document currently up on the screen, apparently written by Fang. My jaw dropped and my eyes widened.

"What the heck is this?" I exclaimed.

~0~

Kaen: Ooh, cliffhanger!

Fang: I'm not emo, damn it!

Kaen: Touchy…Anyway, the song, as you've probably guessed if you've heard it before, is 'My Humps' by the Black Eyed Peas.

Fang: Worst. Song. Ever.

Kaen: I don't know about worst, but yeah, it's pretty bad. But just wait, my dear readers, because infinitely better music is soon to come in Fang's chapter!

Fang: But what did you make me write? Max's reaction makes me nervous…

Kaen: Let's just say you're going to regret your reply to a certain blog comment involving a certain irritating yellow sea creature.

Fang: Oh my God…What did you do?

Kaen: You'll just have to wait, like everyone else! And don't worry, Dez, I'll give you full credit for your ideas!

Fang: Like Kaen said before, no need for capital letters...

Kaen: Sayonara, everybody!