A/N. So this was supposed to be a one shot scene . . . but then I guess Kate needed her own little one in there too, so now it's twin missing scenes from Knockout. Enjoy.
When he's late to meet her at the funeral home she's wonders whether in her desperation she might have pushed him too far. Then her phone buzzes with a text message from him advising her that he's running late and she exhales shakily around a sigh of relief.
She hasn't slept at all but her body hums despite her utter exhaustion. She'd watched him sleep for an hour after their third time, just studying the planes of his face, half hidden in the pillow next to her, and when it struck her how much she wanted to remain there, next to him, how desperately she wanted to lay claim to that spot always – that was when she got up, dressed, and fled.
At home she'd hit the shower immediately and under the hot relaxing spray she surveyed the damage, bruises on her thighs, her hips, and a hickey on the underside of her right breast. When she exits the shower and spies Josh's toothbrush in the holder next to hers guilt burns in her belly, so much betrayal all around her yet she's inflicted it too. Her eyes fall closed around the sting of tears, hours later and she can still feel Castle within her, still feel the heat. She is grateful beyond measure for the sacrifice he made for her last night, as she flailed, teetering on the edge of the rabbit hole she'd realized only one person could save her, could give her something real enough to hold onto.
It isn't the way she pictured them together, in those rare sweet moments when she allowed herself that particular dream, and she knows she burned his dreams of her to ash in the firestorm that followed his capitulation. Dark, dangerous and hungry the despair controlling her threatened to destroy her from the inside out, ripping all trust, all connection, all hope away. She'd needed to fight darkness with light, with the one thing, the one person who could reach her, be there with her, anchor her through it. So she'd asked, and he'd given, no matter the cost to him, no matter the pain, he'd given her every part of himself and now, despite what she'd said to him about not knowing that it meant anything, there can never be a turning back.
They were changed forever now. No longer just friends, or writer and muse, now . . . now they really were partners . . . lovers, it was done . . . and there were guarantees . . . she suddenly realized, guaranteed she wouldn't survive losing him - not anymore.
He arrives with anxious eyes and nervous demeanour that last until their fingers brush as he hands her coffee, each of them pulling back as if burned by the desire singing down nerve endings from that small innocent touch. He goes to apologize and she can't stand to see him so unsure, not when she's only standing here able to function because she still has him to trust in. She reaches for his hand and wraps her fingers in his, feels the heat rise up and then subside to hum between them as an almost tangible connection. His face breaks into a smile, the lop-sided charming one that always warms her insides and he raises their joined hands to his mouth, brushing her knuckles with the barest hint of a kiss.
"I'm sorry I'm late Kate." He says shyly, emotion swirls heavily in the blue of his eyes, as he searches for some clue in her face, some guide to get them past this initial awkwardness over all they've done and become to each other in the few short hours past.
"Not a problem." She says quickly, adding "Thank you. Rick. For what you did last night . . . it means far more than I can express right now, you were my solid ground."
His eyes bore into hers, seeking out regret and when he finds it shimmering amongst the green and gold his shoulders sag perceptibly and he looks quickly away, hiding his hurt behind the rim of his coffee cup.
She can't take it.
"Don't look at me like that Castle – it's not what you think . . . I swear to you I don't regret anything but the 'why'. I won't run from what we did, from all that's changed between us, and we will get through it . . . just give it some time . . . please Rick." Her voice breaks slightly on his given name and his hurt eases a little.
For a long moment they simply look at each other, then Castle, being Castle has to ask the one thing she was hoping he wouldn't.
"What about Josh?"
What about him indeed. She'll have to admit the truth to Castle . . . she cheated, he's still there between them though its pointless to hide in that relationship anymore . . . Castle must know how she actually feels about him now.
"I'll . . . I will deal with that. With Josh." She says, fighting to look Castle in the eye, forcing herself to watch as he tries and fails to mask his hurt from her again.
"OK." He says mildly. "I guess we should go and deal with these arrangements then." And he turns towards the funeral home taking three quick strides away from her before he senses she's not behind him. She watches as he stops, straightens his shoulders and when he turns back to face her she couldn't fault his poker face if she tried. For a moment she simply wants to cross the distance between them and bury herself in his strong arms and beg him to forgive her for not already being free, for making him 'the other man', for letting anything less than perfect honesty into their relationship.
But she does none of this.
She does not tell him she loves him either . . . but she will. Just not until she's stronger, not until the funeral has been dealt with, and Josh has been dealt with and she's found something other than just him to believe in again.
Someday. Someday soon she thinks. So she smiles at him beseechingly instead and he holds out his hand for her, a simple sign of acceptance that he'll do all of this on her terms.
She doesn't think in these moments that she may never get the chance to tell him that she dreams of, but that regardless his love for her will surround her always in this world.